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choices choices choices
OK here goes, I know some of you are going to scold me but I still wanted to share....
Last night I logged on here, I had a crappy day to say the least. I just get interested in any thing. My mind all day yesterday had been on getting high. At several points I had decided to just do it, then no no, I had made up my mind some time back that this time I was going to give it a REAL try. Every time I've tried to quit has been real but it was always been so easy to just say $%^ it I'll just do it one more time. I would get high not because I had to but just because "I wouldn't tell my self NO and stick to it" I can honestly say I never really tried...... So any way last night I go see AH knowing he'd jump at the chance of getting high. I wanted to see him any way even with out the thought of getting high, (I mean I had a bad day, I was hurting sad and just wanted to have his arms around me) on the way over there I'm going back and forth get high- don't get high. I walk into his motel room and it smells good, it has been so stinky smelled like raw sewer. I'd given him some air fresh last time and he'd used it
I don't know why but at that moment I decided I don't want to get high, but I still wanted to visit with him. I had taken him some home made chicken-n-dumplings. He took them and sat them on the table, OK a little history, my husband, when he's CLEAN loves to eat! But when he's planning to get high even before he gets high he don't/won't or can't eat. Well......IMO He should have been hungry. We sit on the bed and talk a few minutes, he does this thing with his feet that he always does when he's thinking "he's about to get high" I notice and think to myself "I guess I have to leave or I'll screw up" We talk a little more I never brought up getting high and he finally says "Baby I'm sorry if I seem a little distant, I'm just having a hard time right now" My guard is up, I know how he can be when it comes to breaking my wall. My mind was racing asking my self why am I still here? I had already decided to try not to get high but I was still doing what would surely lead to the opposite. Any way he said sorry.... and I told him I understand, I was having a hard time to and hadn't notice his distance because of it but had noticed his body language. We talked about how maybe we were picking up on the others vibes without realizing it, he said he had noticed I was acting different and thought it was because he was acting different!!! I'm always shocked to hear him talk as if I don't struggle with it. I guess seeing me actually quit for months at a time make it look easy for me.
OK I stay for over 4 hours every minute of it was a struggle but gosh I love this man and if I have to fight the feeling to be close to him then last night was a good sign. It was really hard to leave for two reasons 1. I still felt the urge to get high 2. It's hard to leave someone you love in he!!. (I don't think he's ready to clean up, if he were I don't think it 'd be so easy to go to him to get high) who knows, I can't control his choices. It's 30 miles from his hotel to home and about 25 of those miles I still felt like getting high but got like before, it was more like grieving to get high but accepting that I wouldn't strange feeling. I fell straight to sleep. Woke without that doomed might as well get high feeling......... "tomorrow tomorrow it's only a day away"
Don't get me wrong with this post. I do not plan on testing myself like that every day or every time I feel the desire. I've made it a point to stay far away from him when I felt like that because it's never ended well. Common sense tells me if you play with fire long enough your going to get burned.
So what did I learn? I learned staying clean for me is as simple as choosing to stay clean and sticking to it no matter what.
I don't know what will happen with Lee and I, most of the time I'm firm in believing it's over, we can never be together again. Other times I feel like if we both really decided to stay clean at all cost we could do it. I'll never know if he ever really means it, I can't read his mind. But his actions will speak volume. So far they speak real loud, they say "I'm ready to get high when you are" and "I try a little bit"
OK............ that's all for now folks
Last night I logged on here, I had a crappy day to say the least. I just get interested in any thing. My mind all day yesterday had been on getting high. At several points I had decided to just do it, then no no, I had made up my mind some time back that this time I was going to give it a REAL try. Every time I've tried to quit has been real but it was always been so easy to just say $%^ it I'll just do it one more time. I would get high not because I had to but just because "I wouldn't tell my self NO and stick to it" I can honestly say I never really tried...... So any way last night I go see AH knowing he'd jump at the chance of getting high. I wanted to see him any way even with out the thought of getting high, (I mean I had a bad day, I was hurting sad and just wanted to have his arms around me) on the way over there I'm going back and forth get high- don't get high. I walk into his motel room and it smells good, it has been so stinky smelled like raw sewer. I'd given him some air fresh last time and he'd used it
I don't know why but at that moment I decided I don't want to get high, but I still wanted to visit with him. I had taken him some home made chicken-n-dumplings. He took them and sat them on the table, OK a little history, my husband, when he's CLEAN loves to eat! But when he's planning to get high even before he gets high he don't/won't or can't eat. Well......IMO He should have been hungry. We sit on the bed and talk a few minutes, he does this thing with his feet that he always does when he's thinking "he's about to get high" I notice and think to myself "I guess I have to leave or I'll screw up" We talk a little more I never brought up getting high and he finally says "Baby I'm sorry if I seem a little distant, I'm just having a hard time right now" My guard is up, I know how he can be when it comes to breaking my wall. My mind was racing asking my self why am I still here? I had already decided to try not to get high but I was still doing what would surely lead to the opposite. Any way he said sorry.... and I told him I understand, I was having a hard time to and hadn't notice his distance because of it but had noticed his body language. We talked about how maybe we were picking up on the others vibes without realizing it, he said he had noticed I was acting different and thought it was because he was acting different!!! I'm always shocked to hear him talk as if I don't struggle with it. I guess seeing me actually quit for months at a time make it look easy for me. OK I stay for over 4 hours every minute of it was a struggle but gosh I love this man and if I have to fight the feeling to be close to him then last night was a good sign. It was really hard to leave for two reasons 1. I still felt the urge to get high 2. It's hard to leave someone you love in he!!. (I don't think he's ready to clean up, if he were I don't think it 'd be so easy to go to him to get high) who knows, I can't control his choices. It's 30 miles from his hotel to home and about 25 of those miles I still felt like getting high but got like before, it was more like grieving to get high but accepting that I wouldn't strange feeling. I fell straight to sleep. Woke without that doomed might as well get high feeling......... "tomorrow tomorrow it's only a day away"
Don't get me wrong with this post. I do not plan on testing myself like that every day or every time I feel the desire. I've made it a point to stay far away from him when I felt like that because it's never ended well. Common sense tells me if you play with fire long enough your going to get burned.
So what did I learn? I learned staying clean for me is as simple as choosing to stay clean and sticking to it no matter what.
I don't know what will happen with Lee and I, most of the time I'm firm in believing it's over, we can never be together again. Other times I feel like if we both really decided to stay clean at all cost we could do it. I'll never know if he ever really means it, I can't read his mind. But his actions will speak volume. So far they speak real loud, they say "I'm ready to get high when you are" and "I try a little bit"
OK............ that's all for now folks
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: texas
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Originally Posted by Sugah 
If he'd pulled out a rig, would this have turned out any differently?
I really don't know, to tell you the truth I think it would have turned out VERY differently, not like you think though. I think I'd view it as a direct assault on me and be very mad. I'd have left right there. He's blind sided me before, not really on purpose but it happen all the same. He not really that stupid, he knows I'd view it as out an out disrespect and it wouldn't have the desired effect.
I guess my thinking on that is really that I know he has a rig, or I'm pretty sure he does. I wouldn't ask him unless I wanted to use it. ~Seeing it is not really that big of an issue any more. I do orders for the company I work for and part of my order are for the pharmacy, I touch them every other day. At first it was hard. Learned really early that in order to desensitize you have to get used to it. If I didn't ever time I touched a soda can I'd remember it upside down
or a simple glass of water on the end table, or I'm struggling to remember all my triggers right now but I try to address them when they arise. But I do understand where you are coming from, it could have gone very different, but it didn't. I don't plan on tempting fate as a rule but it does NOT help to believe that I can shelter myself from it. That's just as insane as thinking I could live with him and keep from using.
The bottom line is I was going there to get high and didn't, mind you I decided 1/2 way there not to but I decided that may times over yesterday. I kept going so my mind wasn't made up yet!
Sugah you should know that it's not thinking about getting high that takes your clean time away, GZZZZZZZ I was right there, I touched him and still walked away. I'm proud of my self. YES I should have turned around when I decided not to, but heck as far as that goes I should not have gotten in the car in the first place.
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Ok, no scolding...yet!....I actually think this was an awesome post and you were very strong. You had the desire to get high, and to see your man....to get high...and b/c you love him...and to get high....but b/c you love him. It's funny- reading this post, I really felt like I was experiencing your entire night right along with you...like, I could just feel the internal conflict you were having...self-sabotage, that harsh mistress!
I think so many of us have been put (put ourselves) in the position that you were in. You needed support, you needed the man you love and someone to hold you, you needed someone to validate, co-sign and endorse your bad behavior...and you also wanted to run to your guy and care for him, though you knew you could not control his actions, only your own....but let's get real-- you wanted your dope buddy.
Let's be honest - you know you put yourself in a 5hit position - and as Sugah pointed out - what if he had the dope in front of you - what then? You made a decision you know you shouldn't have, but you turned the negative into a positive....YOU DIDN'T USE. I've put myself in that place so many times before...having a crappy day...just gonna use that once....but for me, I usually get a case of the eff its and give in....but you didn't. You made your own choice, and you get that you can't control his actions. But you put yourself into a dangerous place - not good. And to be honest, it scares me a little to think you'd put yourself into this situation again...would you make the right chice, or take the left turn? I have to think for a second...you haven't used yet...but are you setting yourself up for relapse? All in all though, I'm proud of you! I know we've never talked before...but I came on here to read your story and the whole time I'm thinking, oh man...this will not end up well....but it did...and I think you should be proud too
I think so many of us have been put (put ourselves) in the position that you were in. You needed support, you needed the man you love and someone to hold you, you needed someone to validate, co-sign and endorse your bad behavior...and you also wanted to run to your guy and care for him, though you knew you could not control his actions, only your own....but let's get real-- you wanted your dope buddy.
Let's be honest - you know you put yourself in a 5hit position - and as Sugah pointed out - what if he had the dope in front of you - what then? You made a decision you know you shouldn't have, but you turned the negative into a positive....YOU DIDN'T USE. I've put myself in that place so many times before...having a crappy day...just gonna use that once....but for me, I usually get a case of the eff its and give in....but you didn't. You made your own choice, and you get that you can't control his actions. But you put yourself into a dangerous place - not good. And to be honest, it scares me a little to think you'd put yourself into this situation again...would you make the right chice, or take the left turn? I have to think for a second...you haven't used yet...but are you setting yourself up for relapse? All in all though, I'm proud of you! I know we've never talked before...but I came on here to read your story and the whole time I'm thinking, oh man...this will not end up well....but it did...and I think you should be proud too
Last edited by Shellslove; 03-15-2009 at 02:01 PM.
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Sweetie - I think you did good and I"m so glad the story had a happy ending but boy were you playing with fire.
I understand that all consuming love you have for your husband but I think Lee might be to you a like my husband is to me - an addiction of sorts too so personally, I think you traded one high for another. I understand that so much even though I'm not chemically addicted to something - more like someONE.
I understand that all consuming love you have for your husband but I think Lee might be to you a like my husband is to me - an addiction of sorts too so personally, I think you traded one high for another. I understand that so much even though I'm not chemically addicted to something - more like someONE.
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Originally Posted by canuhearme1
to Common sense tells me if you play with fire long enough your going to get burned.
Maybe it's me, but this visit didn't sound like it was that fun, really. It sounded sad and depressing and achingly tempting.
Nobody is strong enough to do keep doing this type of stuff without an eventual relapse. Nobody.
I usually think that when you post you come across as a person with a lot of intelligence and good sense. I guess I am just disappointed in your behavior and sad for you. Recovery isn't about having an iron willpower, you know that. Recovery is all about not subjecting yourself to these types of situations. Of making better choices. Of living a happier life. If you lose respect for this disease, it'll put you in your place quick-like!
Love,
KJ
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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Hey thanks for sharing that with us. Im sure it helped. Congrats on resisting!
The problem is you want to be clean but you love your husband. He doesnt want to be clean. Big problem.
What is more important, your husband or your sobriety. You have to make a choice. Cant have both.
The problem is you want to be clean but you love your husband. He doesnt want to be clean. Big problem.
What is more important, your husband or your sobriety. You have to make a choice. Cant have both.
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ouch ouch ouch...... The worst part is every one of you are right 
I'm OK without him most of the time. That's the first time this go-around I've gone anywhere near him when I felt like that, because I know he's my poison. Every time I relapse it's with him. I connect it to him and that's the key to my recovery as well as the key to my relapse.
And he most certainly is an addiction for me, in some way he's harder to get over than the drug. The drug doesn't make me feel good, it always takes until there is nothing left to take. When we fight addiction I feel his struggle but it's never been enough, because he's never tried for him self, he does it for me or because of $$ but never for him self. And that doesn't work, I always started getting on his nerves and suddenly "I wasn't worth being clean for" or money always got much better really quick.........
He's been in and out of recovery for so many years now, and never really hit bottom. I always soften the blow until now (unless you count taking him dinner/food from time to time). I hate the thought of him being hungry, I don't know how I'm going to deal with him being homeless.... Makes me feel so sick!
However I'm still really happy that I stayed clean, I really did learn something from it.
I mean I didn't do it and it and the need/desire went away. I've never made it past that point before.
I promise next time I choose better ways to find comfort.
I'm OK without him most of the time. That's the first time this go-around I've gone anywhere near him when I felt like that, because I know he's my poison. Every time I relapse it's with him. I connect it to him and that's the key to my recovery as well as the key to my relapse.
And he most certainly is an addiction for me, in some way he's harder to get over than the drug. The drug doesn't make me feel good, it always takes until there is nothing left to take. When we fight addiction I feel his struggle but it's never been enough, because he's never tried for him self, he does it for me or because of $$ but never for him self. And that doesn't work, I always started getting on his nerves and suddenly "I wasn't worth being clean for" or money always got much better really quick.........
He's been in and out of recovery for so many years now, and never really hit bottom. I always soften the blow until now (unless you count taking him dinner/food from time to time). I hate the thought of him being hungry, I don't know how I'm going to deal with him being homeless.... Makes me feel so sick!
However I'm still really happy that I stayed clean, I really did learn something from it.
I mean I didn't do it and it and the need/desire went away. I've never made it past that point before.
I promise next time I choose better ways to find comfort.
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But... but... but.... I did say.........
I know when I said it, it wasn't very convincing, and that's because I wasn't convinced myself. I've been pretty good at learning things the hard way all my life. You'd think it'd be enough that I've already learned that lesson 4x over.
Originally Posted by canuhearme1
Don't get me wrong with this post. I do not plan on testing myself like that every day or every time I feel the desire. I've made it a point to stay far away from him when I felt like that because it's never ended well. Common sense tells me if you play with fire long enough your going to get burned.
I know when I said it, it wasn't very convincing, and that's because I wasn't convinced myself. I've been pretty good at learning things the hard way all my life. You'd think it'd be enough that I've already learned that lesson 4x over.
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Good morning Nalla,
Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner, pulled a ten hr day yesterday and it's amazing what 2 extra hours takes out of you. Got off at 9pm and I have to be back in 45 mins (7am) I'm still tired
Sure you can, IV coke/crack and Lee
BTW I called him yesterday (I call daily to see if he still has his hotel room, not sure how he's doing it but daily he makes enough money for another night) He answered and I could tell he was VERY HIGH!! No big shock at all, but then last night he calls me and says "I met this guy remodeling a house, he said I can work the rest of the job with him but I need to be paid weekly", then he says "I have to find away to get a head on my room."
I was tired from WORKING TEN HOURS and told him "I told you today when I called, I'd talk to you tomorrow that I'd be to tired tonight" and hung up. Was he to high to remember that I said that or did he just not care? I was so mad. What a %^&*. How dare he spend his extra money on dope and then call me and try that crap. I work hard at keeping my money, I don't spend it on dope and he dang sure isn't going to. grrrrrrr.
anywaz.... hi ho hi ho it's off to work I go...........
Have a great day guys!
~Lynn
Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner, pulled a ten hr day yesterday and it's amazing what 2 extra hours takes out of you. Got off at 9pm and I have to be back in 45 mins (7am) I'm still tired
Can I ask what your DOC was?
BTW I called him yesterday (I call daily to see if he still has his hotel room, not sure how he's doing it but daily he makes enough money for another night) He answered and I could tell he was VERY HIGH!! No big shock at all, but then last night he calls me and says "I met this guy remodeling a house, he said I can work the rest of the job with him but I need to be paid weekly", then he says "I have to find away to get a head on my room."
I was tired from WORKING TEN HOURS and told him "I told you today when I called, I'd talk to you tomorrow that I'd be to tired tonight" and hung up. Was he to high to remember that I said that or did he just not care? I was so mad. What a %^&*. How dare he spend his extra money on dope and then call me and try that crap. I work hard at keeping my money, I don't spend it on dope and he dang sure isn't going to. grrrrrrr.
anywaz.... hi ho hi ho it's off to work I go...........
Have a great day guys!
~Lynn
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Midland, NC
Posts: 1,266
Hi Lynn
I'm a recovering opiate/coke/crack addict, 172 days clean. I relate to what you're going through. This past Sunday, out of the blue, I had this overwhelming craving to use. (crack)
I came to this site right away and posted about it.
You did well in your resisting to use with your husband/BF? I know everytime I resist the urge to use, it makes me stronger. But I agree with a previous post...you have to change your people, places and things. You can't put your sobriety to a foolish test by going around the drug or the person(s) that you used with, especially if they are still using.
I used to listen to a certain kind of music when I was on my way to score and use. Nowadays, if I hear anything on the radio that reminds me of using, I change the channel. I don't go around or talk to anybody that uses, including my best friend.
In order for me to stay clean, I've had to change EVERYTHING!
You can't have it both ways. You have to choose...Using=death or sobriety=LIFE.
CHOOSE...LIFE!
Peace
C4P
I'm a recovering opiate/coke/crack addict, 172 days clean. I relate to what you're going through. This past Sunday, out of the blue, I had this overwhelming craving to use. (crack)
I came to this site right away and posted about it.
You did well in your resisting to use with your husband/BF? I know everytime I resist the urge to use, it makes me stronger. But I agree with a previous post...you have to change your people, places and things. You can't put your sobriety to a foolish test by going around the drug or the person(s) that you used with, especially if they are still using.
I used to listen to a certain kind of music when I was on my way to score and use. Nowadays, if I hear anything on the radio that reminds me of using, I change the channel. I don't go around or talk to anybody that uses, including my best friend.
In order for me to stay clean, I've had to change EVERYTHING!
You can't have it both ways. You have to choose...Using=death or sobriety=LIFE.
CHOOSE...LIFE!
Peace
C4P
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: East Coast, Killa
Posts: 372
Originally Posted by canuhearme1
BTW I called him yesterday (I call daily to see if he still has his hotel room, not sure how he's doing it but daily he makes enough money for another night) He answered and I could tell he was VERY HIGH!! No big shock at all, but then last night he calls me and says "I met this guy remodeling a house, he said I can work the rest of the job with him but I need to be paid weekly", then he says "I have to find away to get a head on my room."
I was tired from WORKING TEN HOURS and told him "I told you today when I called, I'd talk to you tomorrow that I'd be to tired tonight" and hung up. Was he to high to remember that I said that or did he just not care? I was so mad. What a %^&*. How dare he spend his extra money on dope and then call me and try that crap. I work hard at keeping my money, I don't spend it on dope and he dang sure isn't going to. grrrrrrr.
anywaz.... hi ho hi ho it's off to work I go...........
Have a great day guys!
~Lynn
I was tired from WORKING TEN HOURS and told him "I told you today when I called, I'd talk to you tomorrow that I'd be to tired tonight" and hung up. Was he to high to remember that I said that or did he just not care? I was so mad. What a %^&*. How dare he spend his extra money on dope and then call me and try that crap. I work hard at keeping my money, I don't spend it on dope and he dang sure isn't going to. grrrrrrr.
anywaz.... hi ho hi ho it's off to work I go...........
Have a great day guys!
~Lynn
grrrrrr.....I get that you care about him but what is up w/this?? why are you calling him EVERYDAY??? And worrying about HIS reaction, where his $$ is coming from, how he's feeling????
I get it girl, I really do...and I don't mean to sound like judgey Mcjudgerson here (g-d knows that ain't my place!)
but I don't hear YOU anywhere in this post!
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Wow I didn't see that coming.
WTF........... a bit strong, but OK, if thats how you feel. wht is: I don't care about him, I love him, he's not my BF he's my husband (has been for over 16 years) and father of my child. And as far as not hearing me anywhere in this post, it's all me, mistakes and all.
I call his room daily to see if he still has a place to stay, because it matters to me. My recovery wouldn't happen at all if I didn't like my self. And I wouldn't like myself very much at all if I turned my back on him completely.
I know that EVERYONE says no contact, and maybe they are right, but I can assure you and anyone else this much: That will happen on my terms.
WTF........... a bit strong, but OK, if thats how you feel. wht is: I don't care about him, I love him, he's not my BF he's my husband (has been for over 16 years) and father of my child. And as far as not hearing me anywhere in this post, it's all me, mistakes and all.
I call his room daily to see if he still has a place to stay, because it matters to me. My recovery wouldn't happen at all if I didn't like my self. And I wouldn't like myself very much at all if I turned my back on him completely.
I know that EVERYONE says no contact, and maybe they are right, but I can assure you and anyone else this much: That will happen on my terms.
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Location: Atlanta
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(((Lynn)))
I'm glad you didn't use. I'm gonna go back to what Anvil said though...every time you are around Lee for any length of time, you go back to shooting up....every time. It's like you can't separate the two..not for long, any way.
When I first got clean, my ex kept using. I was actually able to be around him while he was smoking crack...for a while. I eventually gave in and smoked it with him. That was in the days when I was just "clean"...before I understood recovery.
Now, I understand the difference. I still love him, but I know that being around him is very dangerous to me and my recovery. If he wants to get clean, then he can do that, on his own, and maybe things would work out in the future. In the meantime, I have to focus on me and MY recovery. I don't want to be around people who use my DOC. Period. I'm living with a stepmom who eats lortabs like candy, but I can't move out, and I can detach from her situation. If she was smoking crack, on the other hand, I would FIND a way to get out of this house, if it meant living in my car with my 3 cats.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm glad you didn't use. I'm gonna go back to what Anvil said though...every time you are around Lee for any length of time, you go back to shooting up....every time. It's like you can't separate the two..not for long, any way.
When I first got clean, my ex kept using. I was actually able to be around him while he was smoking crack...for a while. I eventually gave in and smoked it with him. That was in the days when I was just "clean"...before I understood recovery.
Now, I understand the difference. I still love him, but I know that being around him is very dangerous to me and my recovery. If he wants to get clean, then he can do that, on his own, and maybe things would work out in the future. In the meantime, I have to focus on me and MY recovery. I don't want to be around people who use my DOC. Period. I'm living with a stepmom who eats lortabs like candy, but I can't move out, and I can detach from her situation. If she was smoking crack, on the other hand, I would FIND a way to get out of this house, if it meant living in my car with my 3 cats.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Originally Posted by canuhearme1
Sure you can, IV coke/crack and Lee
BTW I called him yesterday (I call daily to see if he still has his hotel room, not sure how he's doing it but daily he makes enough money for another night) He answered and I could tell he was VERY HIGH!! No big shock at all, but then last night he calls me and says "I met this guy remodeling a house, he said I can work the rest of the job with him but I need to be paid weekly", then he says "I have to find away to get a head on my room."
I was tired from WORKING TEN HOURS and told him "I told you today when I called, I'd talk to you tomorrow that I'd be to tired tonight" and hung up. Was he to high to remember that I said that or did he just not care? I was so mad. What a %^&*. How dare he spend his extra money on dope and then call me and try that crap. I work hard at keeping my money, I don't spend it on dope and he dang sure isn't going to. grrrrrrr.
anywaz.... hi ho hi ho it's off to work I go...........
Have a great day guys!
~Lynn
BTW I called him yesterday (I call daily to see if he still has his hotel room, not sure how he's doing it but daily he makes enough money for another night) He answered and I could tell he was VERY HIGH!! No big shock at all, but then last night he calls me and says "I met this guy remodeling a house, he said I can work the rest of the job with him but I need to be paid weekly", then he says "I have to find away to get a head on my room."
I was tired from WORKING TEN HOURS and told him "I told you today when I called, I'd talk to you tomorrow that I'd be to tired tonight" and hung up. Was he to high to remember that I said that or did he just not care? I was so mad. What a %^&*. How dare he spend his extra money on dope and then call me and try that crap. I work hard at keeping my money, I don't spend it on dope and he dang sure isn't going to. grrrrrrr.
anywaz.... hi ho hi ho it's off to work I go...........
Have a great day guys!
~Lynn
The other night when you called him and you were exhausted...you even said yourself...it was all about him - and he was high! If he is not putting you above himself, why should you do it for him? I am a self proclaimed codie to the max, believe me, but it seems the tie you’ve made between your desire to take care of him and your desire to use is getting dangerously close to a relapse...and it would be really sad to see that happen. It just seems like all the focus is on him, but is it worth risking your own sobriety in order to help him w/his?
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