OK here goes, I know some of you are going to scold me but I still wanted to share....
Last night I logged on here, I had a crappy day to say the least. I just get interested in any thing. My mind all day yesterday had been on getting high. At several points I had decided to just do it, then no no, I had made up my mind some time back that this time I was going to give it a REAL try. Every time I've tried to quit has been real but it was always been so easy to just say $%^ it I'll just do it one more time. I would get high not because I had to but just because "I
wouldn't tell my self NO and stick to it" I can honestly say I never really tried...... So any way last night I go see AH knowing he'd jump at the chance of getting high. I wanted to see him any way even with out the thought of getting high, (I mean I had a
bad day, I was hurting sad and just wanted to have his arms around me) on the way over there I'm going back and forth get high- don't get high. I walk into his motel room and it smells good, it has been so stinky smelled like raw sewer. I'd given him some air fresh last time and he'd used it
I don't know why but at that moment I decided I don't want to get high, but I still wanted to visit with him. I had taken him some home made chicken-n-dumplings. He took them and sat them on the table, OK a little history, my husband, when he's CLEAN loves to eat! But when he's planning to get high even before he gets high he don't/won't or can't eat. Well......IMO He should have been hungry. We sit on the bed and talk a few minutes, he does this thing with his feet that he always does when he's thinking "he's about to get high" I notice and think to myself "I guess I have to leave or I'll screw up" We talk a little more I never brought up getting high and he finally says "Baby I'm sorry if I seem a little distant, I'm just having a hard time right now" My guard is up, I know how he can be when it comes to breaking my wall. My mind was racing asking my self why am I still here? I had already decided to try not to get high but I was still doing what would surely lead to the opposite. Any way he said sorry.... and I told him I understand, I was having a hard time to and hadn't notice his distance because of it but had noticed his body language. We talked about how maybe we were picking up on the others vibes without realizing it, he said he had noticed I was acting different and thought it was because he was acting different!!! I'm always shocked to hear him talk as if I don't struggle with it. I guess seeing me actually quit for months at a time make it
look easy for me.
OK I stay for over 4 hours every minute of it was a struggle but gosh I love this man and if I have to fight the feeling to be close to him then last night was a good sign. It was really hard to leave for two reasons 1. I still felt the urge to get high 2. It's hard to leave someone you love in he!!. (I don't think he's ready to clean up, if he were I don't think it 'd be so easy to go to him to get high) who knows, I can't control his choices. It's 30 miles from his hotel to home and about 25 of those miles I still felt like getting high but got like before, it was more like grieving to get high but accepting that I wouldn't strange feeling. I fell straight to sleep. Woke without that doomed might as well get high feeling......... "tomorrow tomorrow it's only a day away"
Don't get me wrong with this post. I do not plan on testing myself like that every day or every time I feel the desire. I've made it a point to stay far away from him when I felt like that because it's never ended well. Common sense tells me if you play with fire long enough your going to get burned.
So what did I learn? I learned staying clean
for me is as simple as
choosing to stay clean and sticking to it no matter what.
I don't know what will happen with Lee and I, most of the time I'm firm in believing it's over, we can never be together again. Other times I feel like if we both really decided to stay clean at all cost we could do it. I'll never know if he ever really means it, I can't read his mind. But his actions will speak volume. So far they speak real loud, they say "I'm ready to get high when you are" and "I try a little bit"
OK............ that's all for now folks