I am in so much pain
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 103
I am in so much pain
I never really talk about my feelings much here, but I feel the need to reach out to you guys and just vent. I am so incredibly terrified of withdrawals. I think about it all day long and the dope isn't enough to even ward off the anxiety it's provoking in me. I started doing dope 3 years ago. The first run was just snorting about $40 worth for two months. Then I moved to Spain and because you can only smuggle so much dope across the Atlantic in your crotch, I had to go through withdrawals. It was ridiculously miserable. I had cold sweats every night for weeks afterward and I didn't sleep for one second for 5 days. Now I've been shooting $100 worth for almost 3 months, and I just can't even fathom what I'm going to experience. I just think it might be too much for me to take. Plus, now that my parents know the truth, I'm constantly overwhelmed by guilt and deep shame. Whenever I hear my Mother's voice on the telephone, my heart just feels so sad. I'm just so lonely in this, so ashamed of myself and so terrified for what I'm about to endure, if I can endure it. I have no way of getting enough money for detox, so I'm going to have to do it at home, albeit with suboxone and hopefully my doctor will prescribe valium and clonidine.
OMG everything's real
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: England
Posts: 4,020
I'm so glad you told your parents - well done, that was brave. Could they pay for detox for you? You could pay them back. I really think you should get all the help you can in this. More to get you away from all the sh*t in your life for a few weeks.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: middle earth
Posts: 1,002
Hi Rain
I think your feelings are natural............... the self loathing and disgust of the addict makes you feel so guilty........ its all part of addiction.
But you have made the first huge step - you know you have a problem and are now going to do something about it....... and I think that once you have started on your way - things will fall into place.
You say you have a doctor who will prescribe suboxone? Well - read the other threads in here about it - seems like a very gently way to go?
Take heart - you'll be fine - it has to be done? Your parents will be so glad for you - and I'm sure they will be supportive.
More than detox thought - I think you need to have some sort of plan to deal with the future - like NA?
In fact - a meeting just now would help so much - would get the support to help you thro detox
woops
I think your feelings are natural............... the self loathing and disgust of the addict makes you feel so guilty........ its all part of addiction.
But you have made the first huge step - you know you have a problem and are now going to do something about it....... and I think that once you have started on your way - things will fall into place.
You say you have a doctor who will prescribe suboxone? Well - read the other threads in here about it - seems like a very gently way to go?
Take heart - you'll be fine - it has to be done? Your parents will be so glad for you - and I'm sure they will be supportive.
More than detox thought - I think you need to have some sort of plan to deal with the future - like NA?
In fact - a meeting just now would help so much - would get the support to help you thro detox
woops
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: cape cod
Posts: 2,320
Wow! You told your parents? That's wonderful! This is a perfect time to do it. You can have the mental and physical support you need.
Then think of it. No more lying and no more worrying about the w/d's; they'll be behind you.
Then think of it. No more lying and no more worrying about the w/d's; they'll be behind you.
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
lavendar, it's not popular to post harsh warnings here, but I'm going to do it--because if something happens to you, I don't want the guilt of knowing I didn't say what was in me to say.
I had a friend--Amanda--who was on the same education track as me. One year behind me, but aiming for the same program I'm in now. We talked over the summer about her grad school application process (she was approaching her last year of undergraduate studies), then about some personal problems she was having. Eventually, she told me that she was using alcohol to cope, and that she'd found she couldn't control her consumption. She asked me to take her to a meeting. That was a Saturday. I was to pick her up Sunday evening. She sent me a text message saying she couldn't make it, that the speaker on her phone was broken and she couldn't talk about it. She was pronounced dead at 1:14pm Monday. I didn't know at the time that alcohol wasn't her only problem. She got a bad batch of heroin, and as much as she told me she wanted help, she never got it.
Now, her sister, who was two years clean, is incommunicado.
If you have the desire to get clean, now is the time. There are agencies who funnel D&A treatment funds in nearly every community. I urge you to make some calls and try to find some help.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
I had a friend--Amanda--who was on the same education track as me. One year behind me, but aiming for the same program I'm in now. We talked over the summer about her grad school application process (she was approaching her last year of undergraduate studies), then about some personal problems she was having. Eventually, she told me that she was using alcohol to cope, and that she'd found she couldn't control her consumption. She asked me to take her to a meeting. That was a Saturday. I was to pick her up Sunday evening. She sent me a text message saying she couldn't make it, that the speaker on her phone was broken and she couldn't talk about it. She was pronounced dead at 1:14pm Monday. I didn't know at the time that alcohol wasn't her only problem. She got a bad batch of heroin, and as much as she told me she wanted help, she never got it.
Now, her sister, who was two years clean, is incommunicado.
If you have the desire to get clean, now is the time. There are agencies who funnel D&A treatment funds in nearly every community. I urge you to make some calls and try to find some help.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Mr.MeToo?
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: East Coast to the Deep South
Posts: 828
lavender if you dont have the money to detox in a facility and are going to try it cold turkey I would suggest a few things.
1.) do it at a loved ones house (you do not want to be alone for this time , when the w/d gets real bad you will have nobody there to stop you from running out to your dealer to feel better.)'
2.) make sure you hand over your cell phone, CC's, money, bank card etc, anything that can facilitate you to use or think about using.
3.) make sure you have plenty of clean clothes, fresh towels, new bed sheets etc. i would always shave and get a haircut the day before i knew i would be detoxing cold turkey. its just little things that make you feel more comfortable during this process.
4.) drink lots of water // gatorade NOT soda. soda feels better for you at the time but causes you to crash later and then with the crash on top of the dope withdrawal it may send you over. remember in the state youll be in, any little discomfort will seem HUGE to you.
5.) dont know which w/d symptoms were the worst for you but for me it was the dry heaves // throwing up constantly. I know with every dopehead the worst symptom is usually different. but since that was mine (maybe yours also ) i make sure to only eat very small amounts the first 3 days. little bit of soup here, some jello there. you get the idea. just things that wont upset your stomach.
6.) dont fight the insomnia. its better to be awake at 4am on the computer or watching a movie than laying in bed wide awake trying to "make yourself" fall asleep. i used to drive myself crazy doing that, and getting pissed at myself that i would be wide awake with only 20 minutes of sleep a day. You can also try taking some tylenol PM, might work for you but it never really did for me.
On a side note, i know that constant fear of just counting down until the dopesickness hits, being constantly afraid of it, and not wanting to face it. Gotta remember though, mind over matter. Sometimes your mind has the ability to make what your body is going through MUCH WORSE if you keep stressing about it. think positive and remember, if you really want it , this can be the last time you ever have to worry about being dopesick ever again.
be safe and keep posting on here ~~ scotty
1.) do it at a loved ones house (you do not want to be alone for this time , when the w/d gets real bad you will have nobody there to stop you from running out to your dealer to feel better.)'
2.) make sure you hand over your cell phone, CC's, money, bank card etc, anything that can facilitate you to use or think about using.
3.) make sure you have plenty of clean clothes, fresh towels, new bed sheets etc. i would always shave and get a haircut the day before i knew i would be detoxing cold turkey. its just little things that make you feel more comfortable during this process.
4.) drink lots of water // gatorade NOT soda. soda feels better for you at the time but causes you to crash later and then with the crash on top of the dope withdrawal it may send you over. remember in the state youll be in, any little discomfort will seem HUGE to you.
5.) dont know which w/d symptoms were the worst for you but for me it was the dry heaves // throwing up constantly. I know with every dopehead the worst symptom is usually different. but since that was mine (maybe yours also ) i make sure to only eat very small amounts the first 3 days. little bit of soup here, some jello there. you get the idea. just things that wont upset your stomach.
6.) dont fight the insomnia. its better to be awake at 4am on the computer or watching a movie than laying in bed wide awake trying to "make yourself" fall asleep. i used to drive myself crazy doing that, and getting pissed at myself that i would be wide awake with only 20 minutes of sleep a day. You can also try taking some tylenol PM, might work for you but it never really did for me.
On a side note, i know that constant fear of just counting down until the dopesickness hits, being constantly afraid of it, and not wanting to face it. Gotta remember though, mind over matter. Sometimes your mind has the ability to make what your body is going through MUCH WORSE if you keep stressing about it. think positive and remember, if you really want it , this can be the last time you ever have to worry about being dopesick ever again.
be safe and keep posting on here ~~ scotty
Mr.MeToo?
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: East Coast to the Deep South
Posts: 828
i also know that there are state run detox facilities that will cost nothing for you to detox in. while these may not be very luxurious they do get the job done.
One tip if you decide on this, might not want to go while your in intense withdrawal, being that it is state run, the chances of you waiting on a bed to free up will be high. A buddy of mine spent 6+ hours one day waiting for them to check him in. Look up on the internet as im sure you have some state run detox facilities near you.
One tip if you decide on this, might not want to go while your in intense withdrawal, being that it is state run, the chances of you waiting on a bed to free up will be high. A buddy of mine spent 6+ hours one day waiting for them to check him in. Look up on the internet as im sure you have some state run detox facilities near you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Augusta, GA
Posts: 333
Hi Lavender, my heart goes out to you and what you are going through right now. All I can tell is this, believe it or not your parents finding out about your problem is a blessing, you have a source of help and support so please do not deny yourself of it because you are ashamed. I know that if either of my kids were in this situation I would want do anything possible to help them get better.
I never reached out for help because I was ashamed and guilty as well. Of course, I was always worried about what they would think of the "real" me if the found out. Because I was so stubborn I put myself and my family through a lot more than I had to. Now over 10 years later this is the longest that I have been clean, 14 days today baby. You CAN do it, you have to WANT to do it. And you have to want to do it for yourself first, because you know that you are worth it. There are programs out there for people whit little or no income, again I was too ashamed to go into any of these and all it did was prolong my addiction. Please do not shut down and hide away because you are scared and ashamed. Now is your chance to get it all out these in the open. Explain to your parents how you feel, how frightened you are, what you are going through. I am sure they will stop at nothing to help you.
Good luck and God Bless, I will pray for you
I never reached out for help because I was ashamed and guilty as well. Of course, I was always worried about what they would think of the "real" me if the found out. Because I was so stubborn I put myself and my family through a lot more than I had to. Now over 10 years later this is the longest that I have been clean, 14 days today baby. You CAN do it, you have to WANT to do it. And you have to want to do it for yourself first, because you know that you are worth it. There are programs out there for people whit little or no income, again I was too ashamed to go into any of these and all it did was prolong my addiction. Please do not shut down and hide away because you are scared and ashamed. Now is your chance to get it all out these in the open. Explain to your parents how you feel, how frightened you are, what you are going through. I am sure they will stop at nothing to help you.
Good luck and God Bless, I will pray for you
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,139
lavender,
I agree with what everyone else has posted to you and I just wanted to say that no matter how guilty you are feeling, as a parent myself I would want to know and be able to help in any way I could if my own daughter was going through such a trying time!
Talk to your parents, let them know how your feeling and ask for their support! It can make all the difference in the world when we know our loved ones are behind us and supporting us through a difficult time!
Maybe now would be a good time to find a meeting so you can share those feelings with others who are going and have been through what you are going through?!!
Wishing you strength and focus!
Jane
I agree with what everyone else has posted to you and I just wanted to say that no matter how guilty you are feeling, as a parent myself I would want to know and be able to help in any way I could if my own daughter was going through such a trying time!
Talk to your parents, let them know how your feeling and ask for their support! It can make all the difference in the world when we know our loved ones are behind us and supporting us through a difficult time!
I'm just so lonely in this, so ashamed of myself and so terrified for what I'm about to endure, if I can endure it.
Wishing you strength and focus!
Jane
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: CA Native
Posts: 2,509
This is why, Lavs, you should get onto suboxone under the care of a doctor. If you do it properly and wean down over the course of months to a low level, the w/d's are not that bad when you stop taking it.
As for now, I don't know how many times I gotta tell ya ... you really only have to suffer one DAY (MAYBE into a second day, but not likely) to get onto subs, and from then on, assuming you have them available, you are going to feel completely normal again, like you did before you were an addict, for as long as you're on them.
Why do you keep talking like getting onto subs is somehow the same as 'detoxing'? It's not, it's not even remotely close in terms of the timeframe involved that you will be suffering. The worst part of a REAL detox is the way it drags on, with no sleep, and no apparent end in sight. Switching to subs, it's just ... there's no comparison to the magnitude or difficulty vs. kicking dope cold-turkey.
The last time (there were many times) I transistioned to subs, I was coming off of a 3+ year oxy habit, taking the = of 50-80 percocets a day...easily the = of a gram a day dope habit, I might add. I sniffed my last OC at about 6pm on a friday night. I took my first 4mg of subs at around 9-10 Saturday morning, took another 4mg at around 1pm, another 4mg at around 5pm. Yes, I was in some discomfort that day, it was not fun, but it wasn't THAT bad. By 6pm, things were definitely looking up for me. I slept fine that night, woke up Sunday AM, took 8mg of subs, and from then on, I felt completely NORMAL. No major cravings, no w/d symptoms AT ALL, and I was in a good mood. And I stayed in a good mood for the next 7 months, as I weaned down and off the things, and now I have 17+months without drugs under my belt.
And you ARE NOT going to need clonidine and valium or anything else, as long as you have subs. Do you understand that subs are a very powerful OPIOID drug, Lavs? On the order of 25x times more powerful than morphine, on a by-weight basis? They COMPLETELY remove withdrawal symptoms, if you just stay on them long enough to get the regular dope out of your system, which as I say, takes between 24 and 48 hours.
I'm not going to go over this whole thing again with you Lavs, THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED TO DO, so just DO IT! Will you, please? You're starting to make me crazy now with a new thread, every week, saying the same thing over and over...
As for now, I don't know how many times I gotta tell ya ... you really only have to suffer one DAY (MAYBE into a second day, but not likely) to get onto subs, and from then on, assuming you have them available, you are going to feel completely normal again, like you did before you were an addict, for as long as you're on them.
Why do you keep talking like getting onto subs is somehow the same as 'detoxing'? It's not, it's not even remotely close in terms of the timeframe involved that you will be suffering. The worst part of a REAL detox is the way it drags on, with no sleep, and no apparent end in sight. Switching to subs, it's just ... there's no comparison to the magnitude or difficulty vs. kicking dope cold-turkey.
The last time (there were many times) I transistioned to subs, I was coming off of a 3+ year oxy habit, taking the = of 50-80 percocets a day...easily the = of a gram a day dope habit, I might add. I sniffed my last OC at about 6pm on a friday night. I took my first 4mg of subs at around 9-10 Saturday morning, took another 4mg at around 1pm, another 4mg at around 5pm. Yes, I was in some discomfort that day, it was not fun, but it wasn't THAT bad. By 6pm, things were definitely looking up for me. I slept fine that night, woke up Sunday AM, took 8mg of subs, and from then on, I felt completely NORMAL. No major cravings, no w/d symptoms AT ALL, and I was in a good mood. And I stayed in a good mood for the next 7 months, as I weaned down and off the things, and now I have 17+months without drugs under my belt.
And you ARE NOT going to need clonidine and valium or anything else, as long as you have subs. Do you understand that subs are a very powerful OPIOID drug, Lavs? On the order of 25x times more powerful than morphine, on a by-weight basis? They COMPLETELY remove withdrawal symptoms, if you just stay on them long enough to get the regular dope out of your system, which as I say, takes between 24 and 48 hours.
I'm not going to go over this whole thing again with you Lavs, THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED TO DO, so just DO IT! Will you, please? You're starting to make me crazy now with a new thread, every week, saying the same thing over and over...
Last edited by bval; 11-21-2008 at 08:11 AM.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 276
Originally Posted by lavenderrain 
I have no way of getting enough money for detox, so I'm going to have to do it at home, albeit with suboxone and hopefully my doctor will prescribe valium and clonidine.
Lavender---BREATH!!!!! RELAX!!!!! You have chosen to use suboxone to help with your addiction correct? BV and myself, as well as a few others, have told you several times before about the use of suboxone. You will experience withdrawals for a VERY SHORT period of time--it seems you go into WD very quickly, so the faster you are in WD the sooner you will start the subs. You may start feeling crappy within 10 hours of your last use, and if so, that is when you pop your first sub and you keep taking them every 2-3 hours (however your doctor prescribed them), until you reach a level where you don't feel the WD--I PROMISE you that within 24 hours of starting subs, you will NOT feel any more withdrawals--not the horrible ones you are talking about. You may feel tired, irritable, etc., but you will not be sick to your stomach, vomiting, etc. You may get some diarrhea within a few days, but there's nothing wrong with that--think of it as the poison you've been putting into your body for so long leaving it! You are stressing yourself out way too much and it is NOT healthy. You need to relax, commit yourself to doing this and then do it. You CAN overcome a few days of not feeling so hot--you will get to start a NEW LIFE on the other end of it. You will not feel like you have in the past with your WD--Subs are there to prevent WD and help with cravings. Has anyone ever explained to you how subs work? The drugs you are taking now bind to the opiate receptors in your brain. Subs do the same thing--that is why you need to be in some sort of withdrawal--there has to be some opening on the opiate receptors so the subs can jump on and attach. That is why they relieve wd symptoms--you are basically replacing the opiates you are taking with teh subs--NO you do not get a high from them like you do true opiates, but you do get an "it's alright" feeling. Please please I beg you to relax, take deep breaths, use your doc for the last time (if you haven't already stopped) and kiss that **** goodbye! I'm pulling for you--you CAN do this! I'm sorry to sound harsh, but you have been stuck in the position for at least a week or two now, and it is time for you to make a change! I love ya girl!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 103
Thanks everybody, I feel much better after reading that. Don't anyone worry about sounding harsh, I don't really get offended very easily. I've definitely been saying the same thing over and over because I just keep making excuses to postpone quitting. I'm sure we can all understand how that goes. I get withdrawals so bad I guess I just fear the subs not helping me, even though I guess that's physically impossible. For example, last time I detoxed I had cold sweats every night for 6 weeks. I had to get up about 3 times every night and take a shower and change my clothes. It was f*cked up. I understand how suboxone works, extremely well at this point I might add, let's face it I've just been making up excuses to postpone getting off the dope. I always say the fear is worse than actually going through what we fear. I am going to be SO HAPPY when I can post here and say guess what guys? I'm on subs and I feel great and screw dope. I'm sure you guys will be happy too since you'll never have to explain suboxone to me or repeatedly instruct me to breathe. I love you guys, I really do. This place really calms me down. Also, I could never go through this without my kitten.
Love,
lavs
Love,
lavs
OMG everything's real
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: England
Posts: 4,020
Just DO it, lavs!!!! Enuff procrastination. Trust these people, this is not going to be like straight detox, OK? Not fun, but not the hell you went through last time!
And, you're right - I think everyone here will throw a party, lol!!!
So, when do you stop? Or have you already?
And, you're right - I think everyone here will throw a party, lol!!!
So, when do you stop? Or have you already?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Upstate,NY
Posts: 489
Lav's,
You are stronger than you think ! Just do it! A month from now you will feel so good, and so good about yourself, if you use the subs it should be relatively painless. Some how some way your little voice inside has to speak up,take over and get you taking baby steps. Because it sounds like the dope is still doing the talking.
You are stronger than you think ! Just do it! A month from now you will feel so good, and so good about yourself, if you use the subs it should be relatively painless. Some how some way your little voice inside has to speak up,take over and get you taking baby steps. Because it sounds like the dope is still doing the talking.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: cape cod
Posts: 2,320
Lavender; a couple years ago, Becky (Lady Tenn) sounded much like you (Hope you don't mind Becky) She hemmed and hawed and couldn't seem to stop, kept making many excuses why, and then BAM! She had a major seizure in front of her kids.
Please do something, anything, before its too late.
Please do something, anything, before its too late.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 103
My last day of work is Wednesday and then I have a few days off for Thanksgiving. That's when I'm gonna do it. I'm not gonna od and die before then, I've just been doing wee little shots, enough to keep me from getting sick but not enough to get me high. I have a paper due on Tuesday so I'm gonna do that first. I know some people say quit now and forget about the class, but that's my decision and I'm sticking to it. I'm feeling more hopeful about everything now and less consumed by fear. I'm really just wanting to get it over with now. I realize it's never "over" as Jeff Buckley says, but, yeah fjdkslajgfd9a0dg
mi vida loca
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: the desert
Posts: 351
i really hope you will do this--you at least owe it to yourself to give it a fair chance...as my dear, darling brother has told me time and time again: get busy living or get busy dying---you CAN do this...good luck-we will all be here pulling for you and supporting you on your road to recovery....take care
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 2,707
Hi lav.......... not trying to sound pestimistic but your going to try off taper off h by taking little shots?
Well I doubt thats going to work, kiddo. I dont think you want to go off the dope,but thats ok.
Please, please! Becareful, and hit a na meeting ...........please.
Remember you cannot do this on your own. Pick up the phone and get your but to a meeting and learn how to live dope free.
I only have 5 day clean but I know now that I am an addict who can't control my pills use .............no way no how!
I am slowly but surely learning. Clean is better..............much better.
Well I doubt thats going to work, kiddo. I dont think you want to go off the dope,but thats ok.
Please, please! Becareful, and hit a na meeting ...........please.
Remember you cannot do this on your own. Pick up the phone and get your but to a meeting and learn how to live dope free.
I only have 5 day clean but I know now that I am an addict who can't control my pills use .............no way no how!
I am slowly but surely learning. Clean is better..............much better.
Mr.MeToo?
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: East Coast to the Deep South
Posts: 828
lav, being that youve been "around the block" when it comes to using dope and probably known//hung around a lot of dopeheads you should da.mn well know that its impossible to taper off heroin with heroin on your own. I would say Ok if maybe you had somebody close to you dispense your doses but with you in control of your dope yourself? not so sure about that one.
atleast you do have somewhat of a plan though, let me know how it turns out. i decided to just sweat it out and lay on my bathroom floor throwin up and sweating for the past few days instead. today (day 5) isnt so bad now. still got some bad leg cramps and insomnia but compared to all the other withdrawal symptoms these are ones i can handle.
stay safe and keep us updated ~~
atleast you do have somewhat of a plan though, let me know how it turns out. i decided to just sweat it out and lay on my bathroom floor throwin up and sweating for the past few days instead. today (day 5) isnt so bad now. still got some bad leg cramps and insomnia but compared to all the other withdrawal symptoms these are ones i can handle.
stay safe and keep us updated ~~
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