hairgirl

My friend, and a client of mine jumped off an overpass onto the freeway below last week.My friend had been fighting the battle for some time, and he just couldn't fight anymore.
You have been somewhere he could never find on his own, SOBER. You have to admit that there is good with it, otherwise you would not be here.Truth is, I am pissed at you for giving in.I came here to read you regular good words, but you caved.Why?? It never gets better,NEVER.Don't you see how fu$#ed shooting dope is,man?? Your body, your mind deserve better than that.I have no kind words or sympathy, that is crap.You do need a kick in your ass.Maybe if the shoe reaches your brain, you will realize you are worth far more than a bag of dope.
I have been sitting around trying to figure out what more I could have done to help my friend, crying, hating this disease, and I came across this:

I RECENTLY READ THIS WRITTEN BY A METH ADDICT. THIS HAS HELPED ME, UNDERSTAND AND FORGIVE MYSELF IN KNOWING THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I COULD DO TO HELP. I HAD TO POST THIS AND SHARE WITH ALL.

You can't make me clean

I know it is what you want for me to be, but until I want it - I won't be.

You can't love me clean ...because until I learn to love myself. I won't be.

I know you must wonder how can I learn to love myself when I am caught up in a lifestyle of self-hatred and self destruction. I can learn from my own experience ... I can learn from the things that happen to me along the path of my own mistakes. I can learn by being allowed to suffer the consequences of my choices. Life has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we need learn.

I know it devastates you to watch me hurting myself. I know you want to jump in and save me. This helps ease your pain, but I don't think you understand just how damaging it is to me.

You see although I look and sound like your loved one. Me, the person .. is locked away deep down inside my being. What you see before you is a addict ruled and reigned by my addiction. The main focus of an addict is to feed the addiction. Every effort you put forth in the name of helping me *the person* falls prey to my addict giving more power to the addiction to shackle down *the person in me .. a little more each time.

I feed my addiction enough ... please don't help me.

The only way for the person in me to get free is to be free .. to fall as far as I need to go in order to find the strength to fight back and break free.

How can or will I ever be able to get clean.

The same way I gave myself over to my addiction is the same way I can give myself over to my recovery. BY MYSELF

By allowing me to reach 'rock bottom' you move over and allow me to find my own way back .. It is in the fight to break free that I will find myself .. it is in the fight that I learn to love myself .. the more I love myself the more I will do to better myself.

I am aware that when I use I am playing Russian roulette with my life. I know this, but that is a chance we take when we use. The addict in me is willing to take that chance in the name of getting high. Rock bottom is but a circumstance away. I can't get in if you are blocking the entrance ...
Please for the sake of the person in me .. move out of the way .. and let me fall as far down as I have to in order to reach the bottom .. and pray for me that when I do hit .. that is not with the impact that leaves me for dead (I know that is your greatest fear), but if it comes to that .. be sure to tell my story so that others might learn and live.

It's the least I could do...I will pray for you, Bro...-H.G.

Lbad

Thanks for your post I am glad someone had the courage to be honest about how relapse is a potentially deadly, selfish act....
I don't believe in "shooting our wounded".. I also don't believe in coddling them and telling them it's all ok. It's not. Addiction is a killer plain and simple....

hairgirl

I had to do this.It was surely being thought.I just cannot stand seeing someone quit on life.Especially someone who helped me when I needed it most.

peachy1005

I know, I was so upset when I read that ex relapsed. He was a lot of help to me during those first few days. Hope he knows we are all thinking of him, and hoping that he will stay on track here.

Jane63

"He" has a thread about his recent relapse...why don't you go over and support him instead of starting new ones?

Just a thought!
**{HUGS}}
Jane

exjunky

Thanks a lot, really. Why did I cave? I don't know. I have some ideas but let me get a month or two under my belt before I even try to express them.

My biggest fear is that I provided an inspiration to somebody and now that they see I blew it, they will think "the hell with it then, it's impossible." I'm a horrible role model.

I think this thread is more about the poem/essay than me, I think. And it's a good one.

canuhearme

I think you are still an inspiration, you just because real is all. To relapse has to suck, for lack of a better word. But I think it's how you handle it from here that is going to count. Your still the same person.

hairgirl

Good Grief, If you read the title, you could see it was addressed to someone, and anyone else who chose to READ it.I had said my piece on the other thread, this was different because of my expressing sadness over a friend taking his own life because he gave up on life, on getting clean.I don't want to see it happen again.I know it is not up to me, or even anyone else except the individual.I will continue to be supportive, and I will not give up.
To Ex, what I have to say, I will send privately from now on.To anyone else, expression here is my right, no matter where I put it.

Jane63

Sorry XJ...I am just having a bad day, but it seems to me that it is kind of rude to talk about someone else in the "third person" when they are pretty much right there. I also think it is kind of cruel to place such a burden on someone to be a role model for others when they are struggling so much themselves!
JMHO, but you have to take care of YOU first!

Bleh, I am sure I probably DID read this thread wrong anyways...I just didn't understand how your name came into the picture.
Take care!:ghug3
Jane