jenilee

If my drug use only affected me then it would be somewhat ok. I have an10year old who has witness my drug use. He lost the only father he has ever known(stepdad) to a drug related brain injury. I was so messed up at that time I started using cocaine daily. It didn't take very long before the CPS to come take my 10yrold and baby. I'm going to say this. This part is so hard for me to admit. At that time I knowingly was preg.I cannot believe the amount of drugs i used preg. through my 2 pregnacy. It blows me away that my children are so very healthy. I feel very ashamed and worried about if there will be any long term effects to my kids. Things I just don't know about yet. I remember feeling very guilty that God gave me such beautiful healthy babies. I absolutely DID NOT DERSERVE those babies BUT those babies DESERVE ME! They deserved a healthy mom who could love them. They are my blessing that got me to turn my life around but I carry so much guilt exspecially with the oldest as I can see how it has affected him. It has been 2years i have been clean and the kids back with me. It is only now my oldest does bring the past. He asks questions and tells me how he felt back then. I feel so lucky he feels safe to ask me. It is amazing how much they remember alot more then I thought. He definately is going through the grief of his daddy (stepdad)now. I have so much guilt. How far my head must of been stuffed up my a** back then. I was so concerned for my drugs amd my drama not even thinking how confusing all this was for him. I owed to myself and my kids to be completely drug free/ I now I must sound pathic but again I feel guilty right now in my life becaus I am tapering off of Methadon I am always feeling crappy most of the time and I still have a long way to go. I know it is the best for my kids in the long run but it is hard for them to understand at these young ages. I'm know I am babbling:chatter I could go on forever. If anyone has any suggestions on how to get through the guilt please share.

jenilee

peachy1005

hey, what about some family therapy? It sounds like your son has a lot of questions and therapy may be a good forum to get them out in the open. You could make a rule that during therapy time you can discuss the past, but the rest of the time you live in the present. Dont know if you would be comfortable speaking frankly about your past drug use in front of a therapist, but it might be just what the kiddo needs.
glad you have sobered up, and glad the kids have mom back.
good luck, god bless.

Sugah

I dealt with mine through the steps. My kids were nine & twelve when I got clean, and they saw a lot. It was only by walking the walk as well as talking the talk, showing them that I was a different person, and giving them a better role model to follow that my kids are okay today. I believe that. They learned the value of helping others, of resolving conflicts, and of forgiving others by way of my involvement in a 12 step program. Have you considered this? My kids went with me to meetings for a very long time. There's nothing they heard in meetings that they hadn't already seen in their own home.

I'm curious. You said you are a coke addict. Why are you on methadone?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

TiredMama

Hello

I have been in your shoes but not with coke, with opiates. Using while pregnant (although my OB was the one prescribing but I already had a problem).

Please don't think you'll be judged, at least not by me.

ccgirl2

Here's how I look at it. I have two kids. I can't fix what I've already done. The past will stay where it belongs. I have today and hopefully tomorrow to do right by my children, husband and myself. It's hard, but learning to let go of the guilt is another step to sobriety.

Jane63

****{jen}}} Everyone pretty much said what I was thinking also! It seems to work best with kids to just SHOW them we have changed rather than to TELL them.
Hold them close, snuggle, read to them, listen when they have something to say and time will heal all of you!
**{HUGS}}
Jane

ccgirl2

And don't forget everyday to tell them you love them and they make you proud (even if they put their sisters favorite necklace down the toilet, lol)

sweetpea40

Ok First off, Hi, My name is Machele and my son is addict in recovery...Let me tell you, first of all I am very, very proud of you for making a change...
Let me share something with you sweetie...It's impossible to change the past..That is a fact...BUT...children are very forgiving. They see you at your worst point and now look at you!!! You are the one who made that change and they are watching you...Right now...and they know mommy made a difference. I am sure they are very proud of you!!
I know I am very proud of my son, as everyone on this site knows:bounce

You need to learn to forgive youself!! Pray that God will lift that burden and listen to what these wonderful people on site has to say! They have been through exactly what you are going through, I see it from another aspect...But believe me....we as the one's watching... seeing these changes....are very PROUD and feel BLESSED that YOU have chose to change your lives....I admire you all and feel blessed to be getting to know such WONDERFUL INDIVIDUALS.

You are going to be ok...
God Bless you sweetie and you are a wonderful mother:ghug3
Machele

windysan

I had enough guilt for both of use. Just lay yours off on me. I'll take it. I'm pretty good at getting rid of it.

Past is past. Don't sweat it.

ccgirl2

You know what Windy? I absolutely believe you.

citychick

Kids are amazingly resilient. I've seen this with my own little boy. I've been clean/sober for 16 months now and in that time he's become a healthy, happy little boy. I wouldn't worry too much. Just be honest with your boy and let him know you're doing your best to get better.

Lily

My son was almost 3 when I got clean and sober and he remembered being in the treatment center w/ me in 1991, so I told him the truth, and then I went on to be the best mom I could. I never went back on meth, but used opiates from time to time, thus I am back in recovery now. He did bounce back.

don't beat yourself up. The devil would want you to continue to stay in the past and feel guilty about it, the Lord wants us to put those things behind us and run the race today. Keep looking to today and be the best mama you can be. don't let your son guilt you either, keep the roles as mom and son, don't let him reverse them even if you did make mistakes in the past. I am glad your babies are healthy. I messed up during my preg a few times and my son was born healthy. He is 19 now and studying abroad over in Hungary even! at Bible college!

blessings, Sheila

tw33k

You cannot change the past but you can change the present, which will determine your future. It was a gutsy post and i'm proud of you for sharing. It shows a willingness to change.
Keep coming back. Live day to day. Just for today...that's what matters