4luvoftrav

Hi,

My boyfriend was admitted to alcohol detox last night and I am now lost. I don't know how to help. I have questions and things I want to say but I am afraid it will alll be wrong. I have lived my life surrounded by alcoholics I love and yet I never had to deal with their recovery. My father was an angry abusive alcoholic and one day 24 years ago it all just stopped. I woke up and it was over, just like a bad nightmare. I was 11 then. My brother never got to recovery...phases where he stopped drinking due to incarceration and eventually death. He went to a party and got drunk. He fell off the balcony onto his head and was brain dead 6 days later. Now I was married to a "passive" alcoholic who would drink and pass out, we are getting divorced and I began dating this WONDERFUL AMAZING INCREDIBLE human being who (you guessed it) is an alcoholic. Like my father and my brother he is angry, violent drunk but when he is NOT drinking I love to spend HOURS and HOURS with him. He has never hit ME but he has smashed windows and the police have been called due to his yelling. Two weeks ago the conversation of "where are WE headed" conversation. We have spoken about his drinking MANY times and he has said many times, he knows he is an alcoholic and needs help. The last few days he he has talked about it ALOT and then he stopped drinking on Sunday. Needless to say, he started going through withdrawl and decided he needed to go to an in house treatment center. He was dehydrated and they gave him an IV. Today his blood pressure, pulse and heart rate have all been elevated and they are afraid he is going to go into a seizure so they have had him well medicated. I am so sick of people saying for me to just walk away from him, he's an alcoholic. I am tired of all the negativity the feel they have a right to expell on me. I am tired of everyone asking me WHY i would want to be with "someone like him". The thing is alcoholisim IS NOT HIM, it is something he HAS. It does not make HIM the person I love, the person I love HAS alcohol dependancy. I think having my dad be an alcoholic actually doesn't help because it gives me proof that people can change and I guess I hold onto that. I am lost....where do i go from here?

minnie

Al-anon?

Barbara52

AlAnon sounds like a good choice.

Do please be aware that you are a very high risk of becoming a vicitm of physical violence. It sounds like he is only a teeny step away from hitting your instead of the windows.

Janitw

Alanon and then dads....

ICU

Welcome to SR 4luvoftrav.

May I ask who called the police? You? A neighbor?

My ex began with punching walls, throwing things at me and yelling at me. That was just the beginning. Like alcoholism, that too progressed.

Food for thought ~ instead of looking at it like IT IS NOT HIM, he has alcohol dependency, etc. can you look at it from this perspective instead….his BEHAVIOR! I think for many of us, it’s their behavior we find intolerable.

Read as much as you can here and keep coming back.

4luvoftrav

The police were called because my children became scared and called a friend of mine who in turn called the police. This is the first time he has ever gone for help and the first time he has ever been in detox. Going to dad's is not an option, I am a 35 yr old mother of 3 . I know all too well the pattern of abuse, my mom unfortunately was a victim of DV. I don't want nor will tolerate the anger or abuse which is why he was not allowed back into my home after the 3rd and final incident. My children know that thier father "drinks alot" but his alcoholisim is the "passive" type. He drinks, he passes out, end of story. I have not had an experience with him drinking arround my children since he left, but I really don't know what goes on in his home. In any case, there was no yelling or fighting between us, he just became sedate and then passed out. He has never admitted he is an alcoholic, he just maintains the "yes, i drink too much" state. When my BF is not drinking he is the best man ever. I just want to hear that he might get well and be okay. That maybe we really can have a happy, functional relationship. I am so afraid that this isn't going to work.

FormerDoormat

Your friends aren't judging you. They're just being honest. Most people don't convince themselves that abusive, angry, drunken, and violent people are wonderful, amazing, and incredible.

Third and final incident of violence??? And yet you claim you "don't tolerate abuse."

Being angry at folks who are trying to help you isn't the answer. Alanon is.

denny57

Have you tried Al-Anon?

LaTeeDa

Okay, here you go. He might get well and be okay. Maybe you can have a happy functional relationship. He will have to get healthy and you will have to get healthy in order for that to happen.

The down side is this. YOU have no control over whether that happens or not. It is totally on him to do something about his problem. You can get yourself healthy and happy and ready for a functional relationship, but you cannot make him do the same. It may not work--with him. But, if it is ever to work, with anyone, you must work on yourself.

L

hope2bhappy

So true, so true. And during all of the alcoholic bad behavior it's very easy to lose sight that we are dealing with a person who is sick. Where do you go from here? I can answer this by telling you where I went from there. I was worried. I was scared. And then I calmed down and went on with my life, while he went on with his recovery. The best way I helped my AH was to leave it to him and focus on helping myself. When I did that, everything else seemed to just fall into place.

4luvoftrav

I thought this was a group for FRIENDS and FAMILY of alcoholics. Minus a few posts (you know who you are), most of them seemed so judgemental and uncompassionate. My BF is DOING VERY WELL, 48 hours + sober, thank YOU SO MUCH!! NOT! I have LIVED my life with alcoholics that I LOVE and NEVER once have I stopped loving them as PEOPLE. HE sought HELP, HE ADMITTED his addiction, ALL I ASKED for was someone to try and help me deal with his getting SOBER and all I received (again, minus a few) were comments filled with judgement, and obvious resentment. Shove your comments up your A** HE is trying! When WE go on to live happily ever after YOU will still be here BITTER and RESENTFUL!

denny57

Have you tried Al-Anon?

I know when I was telling people to shove comments up their A** I was full of fear.

((()))

FormerDoormat

Maybe your friends and family respond negatively towards you and your situation because of comments like this:

"Shove your comments up your A** HE is trying!" I hope at some point you'll be able to see how your actions play a big part in the problems you're experiencing in your life. You are a big part of the problem. Alanon is the answer.

tollbooth

I can only offer the fact your A is admitting his condition puts you far ahead of my personal situation, where my A was in total denial. Add to it that he is trying to get sober, and you have the deck stacked in both of your favor. Best of luck and good wishes.

And even though I am new here like you, I have read nothing but informed and concerned opinions from everybody. So maybe chill out a lil'bit on the shoving suggestions!:ok:
If you come here looking for sunshine and popsicles, it might not happen. But at least you're making the effort to reach out to others in a similiar place!.

Barbara52

Interesting how differently I see the comments posted to you. I see them as caring and warning to take of yourself. You see it as attacks and voicing resentment.

You won't get many comments just saying everything will be fine. That generally isn't helpful from my POV. And its generally just not true either.

Most people said something along the lines of go to AlAnon. Just why do you see that as being filled with judgement? Many in here have found Alanon to be a very useful and supportive organization.

You may also learn that sometimes the most loving, caring thing to do for an alcoholic is to leave them so they bear the full consequences of their behavior and choices and hopefully finally turn to get the help they need. Leaving does not mean the end to caring.

You might want to read the comments again without the chip on your shoulder. If anyone is being judgemental here, it is you.

LaTeeDa

I hope all your wishes come true. I also hope you have a plan B in case they don't. You seem to be putting all your proverbial eggs in one basket. Don't worry, we will still be here for you in case it doesn't work out as you planned.

L

hope2bhappy

You are asking for advice and feedback from a group of people who are, or used to be, in your very same situation. These "been there" opinions are all very worthy, even if it's not what you want to hear.

Having said that, I can give you my OWN personal viewpoint as honestly as I can. Yes, he "might" get well and be okay. Yes, "maybe" you really can have a happy, functional relationship. That's the truth. I think it's excellent that he has asked for, and is seeking help. Admitting you have a problem and are powerless is the first and most difficult step. In fact, I always felt it was half the battle. Following through and staying sober is the war. This war is something he will be fighting for the rest of his life. But it IS possible.

By virtue of your close connection to him (as well as the fact that you grew up in an alcoholic home), you have been deeply affected by this disease... a casualty of war, so to speak. You may not recognize it, or think so, but you have.

If you want your relationship to work, then it would helpful if you assisted with his recovery. Step 1: You can do this by completely leaving him alone to work through this. I know you have a lot to say to him (I did), but say nothing. His recovery is all about him. I know you are afraid about the future. This is normal. Step 2: Since you have probably, up until now, been very wrapped up is HIS problems, this new approach will leave you with a lot of free time on your hands. Use this time wisely. Try some Alanon meetings, as others here have suggested. There, you will meet more of the "walking wounded" who are facing the same struggles as you are. They will give you the tools you need to deal with this disease and how it has affected you over the years. Embrace their teachings and their knowledge. You will come out of it a stronger, healthier person. And lastly, Step 3: Try to relax. You've got 3 beautiful children who love you and need you to be strong for them -- without all the drama and unhappiness that goes along with the alcoholism.

Your BF is starting a new beginning. Why don't you start one too.

And so... Be it ever so humble, that's my opinion.

HKAngel24

4luvoftrav --

When I first came here, I, too was taken aback by the honesty and straight forwardness of this board. Trust me, I have gotten angry myself when someone offered an opinion that I considered to be harsh or just not what I needed at the time. I don't think anyone wants to prove you wrong- I honestly think everyone here honestly wants you to be happy and for your A to seek recovery. Their concern is just based out of their own experience, strength and hope.

There is a good book I have heard people speak of, called "Getting Them Sober" and it largely talks about what to do once the alcoholic gets sober in terms of yourself. If you are up for it, I would definitely recommend Al-Anon, that has been my saving grace in times when I was trying so hard to control someone else and just felt incredibly helpless. You and your family are in my thoughts today.

AWEDA

4luv,
For a very long time I believed that there was nothing wrong with me. It took 4 rehabs, mental hospitals JAIL and my husband losing a high paying job to realize perhaps I need help too. After 20 years of him seeking help for his alcoholism he finally "gets" it and so do I . I needed to work on me I had issuses long before he came into my life. (why did I choose this man to be with?) Alot of soul searching and education on codepenency and alcoholsim,this board,reading about myself in codependency no more, getting them sober etc... has helped me greatly. When I finally had the courage to look at myself and say I believe I am as sick as he is,did I find peace. My children mean the world to me, I need to stop the cycle NOW.The chances my daughter will seek out an addict in later life is a very good one,my son my become an alcoholic too unless I gather all the info I can and understand these patterns. We are in the process of rebuilding our lives,my husband is living in a half way house for 6 months. This time apart has been the best thing that could have happened to all of us. We are learning how to be a family after so much sadness. It took him a very long time to embrace sobriety, I cannot tell you how many times I thought "he will be better this time" only to have my heart broken again. The difference now is he is living his life by the steps of AA and following directions. I have learned to let go of his disease, I have enough to carry with my own shortcomings. Please seek help for yourself,because weather you realize it or not we are all affected greatly by living with alcoholics. This is something it took me a long time to accept,but Thank God I did. Good luck to you and your husband I will be wishing you the best.

cagefree

Sometimes I would read a response on a thread that offered insight on a problem I was experiencing that would not sit quite right.

When that happened, I thought about why it was bothering me so much. The one comment that was a real eye-opening and turning pont for me (and struck me hard) was that the best way to deal with resentment towards XABF was to do Step 4.

Through Step 4 I discovered that yes, I had ownership in the drama I experienced on a daily basis. I chose to live in it, wrap myself in it like a blanket. I chose to give more to others than what I could afford, which left nothing for myself. MY life was nuts, a tornado - and I was walking toward the funnel cloud. Once I realized what I was doing and I could still love XABF and wish him well under clear skies - I walked the other way.