hbb

Well today was the first day i went to the beach with friends and had a fun day. I did talk about my recovering bf like usual but my friends were more blunt and said that i need to relax and just take each day as it comes. I know that as i've been trying for 3 weeks now. I write on here and everyone's been so wonderful. I received an email from my bf, nothing personal or exciting but not sure as if i should take it as false hope or letting me feel his presence. It was just a forwarded joke email that he sent to a couple of us. If he truly is done and gone i would think he wouldn't have bothered with that but not sure. I text him on Friday about financial ties and was just quick and to the point and nothing more. Usually i would tell him how much i missed and loved him and so on. So i'm wondering if i'm reading into something so small or maybe he is trying without giving all or too much of him too soon. Not to mention i didn't go to his 6 month chip Thursday because he didn't seem eager if i went so i went to Al Anon for me. I want to get back to myself but would love to know what his intentions or thoughts are. I guess time will tell, if i don't have an ulser first....which is extremely likely at this point.

Live

Sounds like you made some good choices!

The email tells nothing. So...yes, time will tell. In the mean time you just go right ahead building up your life and your strength.

When he has something to say, he will say it and you won't have to ask.

hbb

I guess i'll just be happy that he thought of me at that moment. I know it sounds rediculious to most of you but i love him sooooo much and we don't have everything in common and it has been a complete struggle for 9 months but i'm not willing to throw in the towel unless he comes back to me and says he doesn't want to be with me. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt that that is what he is doing but not sure how long to sit back and wait. In the grand sceme of things, 3 weeks is probably not long but jeeze it's been tough.

denny57

Instead of sitting back and waiting, why not get out there and live life? When I realized I could sit back and wait and at the end of it find I had, well, just sat back, it got me motivated.

hbb

I know i definately shouldn't be waiting, i guess i mean give him the chance to get himself better without enabling him and handing everything to him. Can't help if he's liking the fact i'm not there or helping or enabling.....it's making me feel badly about myself for doing what i thought was helpful, loving, caring and just being unconditional in loving him.

MsGolightly

personally, i've found that when my ex feels like i'm slipping away, i get a little email or a note that sends me spinning and i'm sucked back in again. seriously, it's like a vaccuum. all i wanted was someone to fight for me, to let me know they were thinking of me, even by forwarding an email, but i started to realize it wasn't happening because she missed me or missed being with me, it was because she subconsciously or unintentionally needed me to keep playing this game. she needed me to be strung along, so there was always someone to fall back on when things got too hard to handle.

i don't think the email says anything about missing you or thinking about you. if anything, he wants to make sure that you're still thinking about him, so he decides to pop up and make you think about how much you miss him and how much you love him. not sure he's doing the same though.

denny is right, waiting is totally pointless. i couldn't tell you how many soap operas i sat and watched, feeling sorry for myself, just waiting for her to come back to me. one day i just realized, i'm never going to get this day back, so i might as well make the most of it by choosing to be happy.

Live

ditto to the above!

Live

It's a hurtful game and all you can do is not go there the next time you are invited to the dance.

hbb

Thank you for that. I know so many of you have probably said at one point or another, "i'd like to think he's different". I guess deep down inside he is probably is trying to slip away without making me feel worse or looking bad himself. Which by the way, to everyone else, he's not looking so good. My parents are crushed and not believing he's this type of person. I don't know who he is either. My bday was last week and he wrote some nice things in a card that were hopeful but dropped it off when no one was home and moves like that. Saying he needs time, clearing his head, walls up in his mind, not sure whats going on and i do believe that but also believe that every day that goes by is one more further apart and easier for him to move on. I want some sort of closure or respect of a few answers.

Live

I truly understand.
Look, this may sound mean, but if that is the way he is going to handle it then he is a coward.
And that is probably the best most honest answer you are going to get.
He is not there for you now and he won't be able to give you those things either....the closure, the respect (he has all ready blown that) or answers.
It does hurt. And you may cry. But you will recover and move on to better things.
My best advice to you is to respect yourself!

hbb

The problem is is that he's not a jerk, liar, cheat...i truly think he's once and for all trying to get better in his recovery without distraction and knows i love him enough to see it through. I could be completely wrong but to this day he hasn't given me reason to believe otherwise. He told me in a text last week that he just needed a break and hoped to come around soon and be back to himself. His mother called me last week and said he doesn't say things he doesn't mean. Not to say after clearing his head things may seem different and he may not want to be with me but i try to believe him without going CRAZY in the meantime i've made up such stories in my head you wouldn't even believe.....

Live

In any case, and only time will tell, he is not able to talk with you and face you right now.
If he is not a liar, then trust him.

Nuudawn

Gosh my heart aches for you. I remember those days... reading and re-reading his emails...looking for clues...do those words mean he loves me? It was horrible and defeating. It appears that your life is on hold awaiting an outcome that he determines. What a difficult and painful place to be. But I remember those days...argh. Reading his damn horoscope everyday etc etc. Not all all healthy...but it's where I once was. Not where I am today...thankfully.

I have no idea what any of this means about him or for you. My relationship success has been fairly limited. BUT I've been around the block enough times to sense that where you are at is not conduscive to a relationship of equality and balance. It feels to me like you're hanging on by your fingernails. Ouch.

splendra

I would not bet the farm on that one. I have been where you are too. It does hurt. I am wondering if you have ever tried meditation. It can help so much to quieten the run away mind....

Once our minds get quite we are more able to see what is real and we have more control of the obsessive thoughts. If I can stop thinking for even 5 minutes my whole day goes better.

By the way I could not help but notice you gave us 2 sentences about the beach(for which I am jealous and would like to be more so by hearing you describe it more) and several paragraphs about your bf....

It sounds like you have some good friends who want the old you back....

Pencil Pusher

May I offer a different possible translation for i need to clear my head need a break, hope to come back around soon, etc. My possible translation is "I want to keep you strung along, waiting in the wings, so I know I have you to fall back on if I decide I want to." If you have read any of my recent posts, you'll see I am in no position to give advice, but sometimes you can see someone elses stuff more than your own, you know? then again, I could be completely wrong, and he could be about ot be the one for you. But do you want to wait around to see. What about that whole idea people are always saying to me about each of us needing to work on ourselves, then in the future if we are both healthy, and it is meant to be, we will be in a better position to make it work. Again- I can't seem to make the most of this advice, but perhaps you can?

best of luck- I know what you mean about him not being a cheat liar, etc. If he were those things plus an addict, it would be alot easier to leave him. Believe me I know what you mean!

fluffyflea

Hbb,

To help you break the cycle of waiting for HIM to get his act together, can you find a project to do for yourself that has nothing to do with him, only you?

I've been where you are on the waiting thing and all it's doing is giving all your power to him. He's got you dangling on a thread right now. Time to empower yourself.

Earthworm

LovesLife

Maybe I missed it, but did he make that loan payment you were worried about.

hbb

Yes he did, i wasn't about to let him screw that up. I text him at 4:45 saying i didn't see it yet, he replied he was on the way to the bank then. He gets out of work at 2:30 so why wasn't it there by 3 i ask and my mother asked....if he WAS trying to do the right thing. But who knows his situation, the fact is he made it and i was brief and to the point, nothing extra which felt good. So now i thought i would try to take this next month before the next payment and see what happens then i will be forced to talk to him about the result of the future because of that situation.

LovesLife

Good decision to take the next month and concentrate on yourselt. Good luck!!

LovesLife

Good idea. Take the month and focus on you. Good luck!!