hbb

I think it will kill me, a whole next month, but why shouldn't he tell me whats going on, if he truly is doing what he says than why not tell me, hey i need more time or hey it's not working. Is he feeling awful because now he owes this money and he's too ashamed to face me? I don't want to call him and demand answers because thats not me but why should i wait for him to decide to call me and say it is over. I got a bday card saying "sorry i'm not with you on your bday, i've let everyone down, i'm hoping to be back to myself soon, i do care about you and are thinking of you. Do i take that for what it is .. the truth? or do i say screw him and get mad. It's my future and i want him a part but have NO clue whats in his head. It's about 2 1/2 weeks since i've seen him, we've talked on my bday briefly and text and all i get is that he still wants a break.....

parentrecovers

you get to an alanon meeting yet, hbb? you're focusing on things you cannot change. put the time and energy into your own recovery.

(and i'd be talking to a lawyer or someone about that money. that's a lot of dough.)'

blessings, k

splendra

You think a month of thinking about yourself would kill you????

Who were you before you met this guy? What were you doing?

I think this guy's actions or lack of action is speaking volumes....He told you he wants a break didn't he?

hbb

I have started Al Anon, but my group is only once a week and have to wait till Thursday....As for the loan, not sure what i can do. I was smart enough to get a promisary note signed by him but it states to pay on such a date such an amount so i can't really do much in means of getting a lump sum i guess. I just want to talk to him for 5 minutes to see where he stands, maybe it is serious and doesn't know and doesn't want to make the same mistakes twice like he claims.

Things moved fast for us with alot of problems along the way. But i NEVER gave up and always said we could get through. He keeps saying he wants to clear his head and had to take care of some "skeletons in his closet" from the past. I know that doesn't happen overnight......someone please tell me, should i relax that its only been 2 1/2 weeks of not seeing him and only minimal talk. When i did talk to him on my bday he told me he loved me when i told him....should i just take his word for the moment.....is 2 1/2 weeks no time at all to have a direction yet? i asked him thurs. in a text if he planned on talking to me soon and he said yes.......should i take his word or is he skirting around....i guess no one knows but him

hbb

No i guess not Splendra, it's just that we are getting to the holiday weekend and we were suppose to go away and i know he's off all next week. My brother and his gf asked me to go camping....the 3 of us....sad. I know he won't talk to me this week probably cause we are suppose to go away......my mind is drained, sad, crazy and weak. Before him i had fun but also felt like i was filling time till i met the man of my dreams (my now bf) and for the past 9 months nothing else mattered. As long as i was with him i was completely happy and content. I miss him so much like he died but i also think if he didn't take the time to do this we wouldn't have a future anyways.

splendra

Maybe this is the problem in a nutshell maybe he was feeling a little boxed in. No one person can be all to another. Maybe he is hoping you do have a life outside of your relationship with him.

Maybe you were just a transitional phase for him as he sought out his recovery and a reflection of something he is trying to get over so that he can be healthy.

It is not healthy to be so attached to another especially not in the short amount of time you have been with him. Try to understand this...

denny57

I'd go camping.

MsGolightly

i can relate to this... as i think i was the transitional phase for my A... 2 years of a transition!

hbb, as much as it sucks, his actions are showing you what he wants. it honestly makes no sense to think about it all the time and fight for it, thinking things will be different. the ball is in his court, and you really can't do anything about it. take my advice and let it go. i hung on for a very long time and i only ended up looking like an idiot, both to myself and to my ex.

this isn't a normal, healthy relationship you're dealing with. do you really want to get married to him down the road anyway, knowing this could very easily happen time and time again? it's no way to live.

hbb

Thanks once again...i know that only in time will tell. So many have said so many good things to me, i can't help but think he does want a future but scared. He would make comments that he felt guilty because how could he take care and love me if he didn't love himself and told his mother he needed a break because he couldn't give me what i needed while he was trying to fix himself....i know i have to let go but i've been left with absolutely nothing but high hopes and believing him. Maybe the break of me has been nice for him to relax and do nothing if he wants, i don't know, i didn't think i was a bad person to want to be with him. When i did talk to him i told him i knew we should do things seperate and that i knew i definately had things i needed to work on but thought i might have known some new info. on his end by now....i soooo want to talk to his mum because we are close but know it's not my place to do so

splendra

Sweetie, ((((hbb))))

What exactly did he give you that makes you feel so empty right now to be without him. You said you had problems what were the problems?

Tazman53

hbb if I were a betting man I would say he is doing nothing more then hedgeing his bet with you, in other words he wants to make sure that you are still on the hook just in case what he is "Working out!" doesn't work out.

Just a recovered alcoholics opinion.

I could be wrong, but as I have worked the steps in AA I have yet to see one single one where it is suggested to isolate from a problem, that sounds to me like what I used to do when I was drinking, when I found a new lady I would always string along the old one just in case....

hbb

I truly don't think it's someone else. I think either he drank and feels guilty or he simply (to him) just doesn't want to be with me. But, do feel like im going crazy. My brother's gf said believe what he says till he gives you reason to believe otherwise. She knows him well to and thinks he may have hit rock bottom emotionally. Who the heck knows but i'm getting worse than better......

Tazman53

hbb what step is he working on?

denny57

Once I saw the similarity between me and the alcoholic I got it - I had to do it for me.

hbb

I'm not sure, he only the past couple of weeks has really talked to his sponser according to him. He told him we were taking a break and his sponser supposedly agreed that that would probably be a good idea to focus on himself better. He did however tell me a few weeks ago he wrote a letter to his parents but wasn't sure he was going to send it. Not sure he's doing things in order or where he is. When i talked to him and tol him i was reading the big book he said he hadn't gotten back into it yet and i told him i was going t meetings (al anon and aa) and he asked if it helped and i told him yes. According to his mother he was cheering a meeting i think yesterday but not sure as i haven't talked to him....here's my question, if your trying to relieve youself of past guilt then why (if he is in fact doing this) do you create more by pushing away the closest person to you saying you feeling guilty for not being able to at this moment treat me how i deserve to be treated as he doesn't like himself at the moment from what he's saying....

denny57

Stop

worrying

about

HIS

recovery.

((()))

hbb

Thanks Denny, i know just trying to differentiate between recovery and letting me down easy and not wanting to be with me ... if that's what he's calling it. I can't figure it out.

parentrecovers

denny's right. let go. you are feeding his addiction and banging your own chance at recovery against the wall. go to alanon meetings and listen.

please. be kind to yourself.

hugs, k

hbb

I guess the bottom line is that i don't care much about myself and have always been that person to help others so that's why it's difficult to let go. My self esteem is in the toilet in general and helping him made me feel real good to be able to support someone in need. It's not just that, i LOVE him soooooo much and try to tell myself "if you love him, let him do what he needs to do to get better" but can't help the feeling of rejection and i don't even know that's the case.....Gosh i am pathetic and don't really know why you guys care about me anymore

parentrecovers

you are not pathetic. you need to focus on helping yourself. you are not helping or supporting him - at best, you are enabling him. you are not feeling good about any of this. this is not what love is supposed to be like. there are no rewards from any of this behavior.

i was in a real bad relationship for several years. so i understand how hard it is.

get some private counseling and go to alanon.

and keep posting!

hugs, k