hbb

Thanks for the kind words. It's so hard to accept that this relationship is not right. I've never been a give up kind of person. I've always wanted and did the right things in life. I guess that's the difference, i would never just walk away and just leave that other person wondering ... it's only natural that i would be hopeful i would think. You know, my very good friend told me this morning that she HOPED it didn't work out because i deserve to be treated so much better than this. I know she was being supportive and maybe deep down inside i believe that but thought he was that special person and maybe will be some day.

splendra

I would still give almost anything if you could see that 9 months is a very short time and that the 12,000. loan got sucked really fast and he is still barely making it pay check to pay check and all it got you was abandoned and feeling really sad.

There has to be something better than that there just has to be....you are young don't waste your youth feeling sad and alone....

If you do get yourself together I am sure this guy will be trying to move back in on you cause that's what they do and hopefully you will consider this very hard knock you have taken from a guy who at this point in time will hardly give you the time of day...((((((((((((((((((hbb))))))))))))))))))))))) )))))

Live

That Kenny Roger's song came to mind...


You got to know when to hold 'em, when to fold 'em, when to walk away, when to run

splendra

you know something else if you take him back he will have learned that he can go off when ever he feels like taking a break and leave you holding the bag so to say...

We care more about you than this guy does((((((hbb)))))))

hbb

Splendra, i'm starting to believe that you guys do care more. He did make a comment that this is how he's dealt with things in the past, he has to do it alone. I can't change that but i guess i need to start looking at the big picture that if it's happening now it will be a lifetime of this back and forth and probably drinking and not drinking and starting all over....who knows if he'll ever have a stable relationship. And as for making amends with his ex, like my brother's gf said, if it didn't work for 8 years of trying drunk it probably won't work even sober.....

splendra

Please don't be like me when you grow up(((((((hbb))))))))

hbb

Problem is is that i'm 33 and this screwed up already...maybe i'm the one screwed up more than i even know I can't even do the "right" thing and that work out. Let me ask you, am i naive to think that he could work out all the kinks now and we would never have this issue again? I think so......sounds like a pattern and i was the 9 month buffer doesn't it?

Live

((((((Splendra)))))))

You're gorgeous and strong and a splendid example!
um....I just hate to see anyone go thro' the mistakes I did, thinking I was doing it for the right reasons. And my life is hard right now. But.....even the "normies" have issues. And we, who have special challenges maybe get to learn more.
Oh, I hate it when people say things like that to me!!!! LMAO

splendra

((((hbb)))))

Girl I think you are waking up!!!!

Cynay

The problem with this is that you are giving up.... you are giving up on the most important person in the world to you, the one that will always be with you through everything, the one that has always gotten you throught the hard times and rejoiced in the good times with you....

Your giving up on YOU.

hbb

Cynay, your exactly right, i have given up on myself. Not out of self pity but out of the treatment of close others in my life. I'm not the skinniest, prettiest, long haired girl and i'm not saying he made me feel "unspecial" but looking back i kinda found i complimented him more often than not. And i'm not going to say he didn't cause he did nice things, gave cards, wrote notes, appologized for him claiming he was a screw up and sorry for that. That i've changed his life for the better and he could never repay me. I've done so much for he and i and that he's let everyone down...blah blah blah......

splendra

now there is a real clue....maybe that's why he is taking a break cause he knows you are giving way more than he is. Right now giving more my not seem like such a big deal but the longer it goes on the more imbalanced it gets...and the harder it is to workout but, most likely there is no working it out. we just have to kick his stuff off the scale and then they just load it right back up again...

hbb

Splendra, i do know he feels that way, and maybe it is my fault, i was in the position of buying him things, clothes, dinner and stuff like that but never thought it would be the wrong thing to do....NEVER looked for anything in return because it was just me being me. I did however mention that he hadn't written little notes anymore or asked me to dance in the living room or text me just an i love you in a while and he said he knew he should be doing thoughs types of things and wanted to but just didn't have it in him to do when refering to saying he didn't know who he was. Just in my bday card he wrote that he was thinking and cared for me and hoped to find himself soon and sort all this out. And when i mentioned last week i missed him he said he missed me too and hoped to be back to himself soon. He clearly isn't a monster in my eyes, i know alot of people on here have had horror stories but he really is a caring loving guy and i wonder if it is what it is and that in his meetings he has to be almost selfish if you will to get better once and for all. I'm trying to hold onto the possitive but i need to get better too if anything's going to come of it.

ARealLady

"i need to start looking at the big picture that if it's happening now it will be a lifetime of this back and forth and probably drinking and not drinking and starting all over....who knows if he'll ever have a stable relationship."

This makes sense, hbb, because that really is the big picture and is one way for you to realize that all of life is a big MAYBE both for the enabler and the A. If, however, the enabler decides that he/she deserves better then it's the beginning of the beginning. I so encourage you to attend those Al-Anon meetings FOR YOU.

I am struggling less right now with ending the long-distance relationship with ABF because I have understood that his pattern in the four+ years I have known him has never varied. Initially I thought that the "kindness" I have in me would save him from himself and put him back on the right track. As soon as I started drawing boundaries to preserve myself from him, he called me cold and heartless. He has played huge games with my head but I will not allow anybody to destroy who I am.

((((((Hbb)))))))))

ARL

hbb

ARL, thank you so much for your support. I'm sorry you went through a similar thing with your Abf but for much much longer. Thursday can't come soon enough for my Al Anon meeting and it's only an hour and i wish it was 2! I stopped going to AA because i was having mixed emotions. And if we are not going to be together what purpose does AA serve anymore. I'm going through mixed feelings, one minute i'm mad and the next i'm crying out of the blue...it's like a death. I seem to always let the sad outweigh the mad.

minnie

Can you see any parallels between what happened in your previous relationship and this one, hbb?

Live

hhb, might I suggest you spend some time reading around the boards. Get an idea where other people are at and how these things play themselves out?
You really aren't alone in this.

hbb

Oh i have Live, trust me, i've been on this one and the relationship one and the alcoholic one...i've been around here. I just wish i had a crystal ball and knew what my life would be like a week, month, year from now...i just want to be happy.

hbb

Minnie, ummm that's a good question. And no i can't, my old ex was very selfish, never wanted to do anything i wanted to do so we didn't, not as caring, was a wicked weekend drinker at softball. All about him for the most part and the grass was greener with him, he cheated on me, left me and married her but the year they were dating he called me allllll the time and actually said "i want it to work out with her but i still love you" waiting in the wings...i'm familiar, i know. My mother asked me a few weeks ago if it felt different being in love this time as opposed to last time and i said that was a good question and said yes because my bf was sweet, caring, loving, did things for me, put himself second and vice versa there. It was only till this happened that i REALLY felt the difference and i love him soooooooooooo much more and differently than the first time. I thought i would die of a broken heart then but now i REALLY feel it.

aztchr

You can decide how your life will be in those time frames. You can make yourself happy. Someone else should not control how you live your life.