prodigal

I'd be interested to have you answer the questions posed to you by Splendra WITHOUT mentioning this guy in your entire response. You can choose to listen to what people here tell you and what your friends tell you or not listen. It's your life and it's your choice. I recall you mentioning a few days ago that your friends were getting tired of you talking about this guy.

So here's my questions to you, and don't respond immediately, okay? Chew on this for awhile; ponder a bit. What do you desire to gain from discussing this situation with us and asking our opinions? You have said you love him very much; what do you love (I mean TRULY love) about yourself? Not what you do for others - take them out of the equation. What would you love about yourself if you were stranded on a desert island with not a single living person within 1,000 miles?

Cynay

Sweetie... he has made it clear that he does not want your help.

hbb

Prodigal, i have thought about what you've said and it probably has something to do with the fact of me. I always put myself last. Right, wrong or indifferent, that's how i've been always. I am trying to work on me but my meeting is only on Thursdays and i really didn't want to jump around to too many as it's confusing as it is. I do start therapy on the 9th. So if i was left on an island with no one around, i would not do well. I'm not the type of person to sit on the couch and watch tv under these circumstances and relax.....my mind is so sad right now and out of control. The last thing i'm doing regarding all of this is being selfish and maybe i need to be more selfish. It's like this, when your constantly burned and walked on and taken advantage of....that's all you know and it's hard to turn that around and feel good about yourself after about 13 years of being crapped on by men. My 1st ex is the perfect example of the grass is greener, called me for a year after because didn't want to lose me if it didn't work out. It's all i know, so when someone now that i truly care about their well being and want to spend the rest of my life with, ya i am completely confussed, distraught and looking for any encouraging answers. But it does come down to having to like myself which is soooooooooooooooooo hard for me.

thanks,
hbb

splendra

Did your parents drink ((((hbb)))?

hbb

Splendra, nope, we've all been just social drinkers. My mom hardly ever other than a vacation may have one or two and my dad maybe a beer or two on the weekend. I grew up in a household that was Cosby Family like. Dinner at 6, father worked 9-5, mom home by time we were out of school. He on the other hand has a completely different family life and it's probably has to do with everything going on. I think my upbringing is probably the reason i am so sensitive to everyone/thing. We were taught to treat everyone with respect, be caring and loving and thats what we did.

aztchr

Time to treat yourself this way, too! This is the only thing you can control!

prodigal

As a woman who has been crapped on by men since I started dating in 1969 (yeah, I know - I'm older than dirt!), I understand your feelings. We eat garbage long enough, we learn to like it. If someone served us a gourmet dinner, we wouldn't eat it, or if we tried it, we wouldn't like the taste.

Now, this is only my point of view. I am NOT a therapist, I'm just another codie out here trying to do a little to help others and in doing so, help myself as well. When I used to get agitated, I'd pace and refuse to eat. I'd also chain smoke (lovely habit). Fortunately, I no longer pace or smoke although I do stop eating when I get perturbed. So I think you're on the right track with realizing the problem has something to do with you. I know a lot of us were raised with the ethic of putting everybody and everything else first. My AH was raised with the "perfect" family image that was rigidly enforced and observed. Look what that got him ... sad.

So right now you're doing all you know to do, which unfortunately is upsetting you more than helping. If you're anything like me, eventually you will become so exhausted, you'll just fall asleep or your mind will stop from sheer fatigue. As someone who was totally, completely, and absolutely fixated on THE MAN in my life at any particular time, I can tell you that it almost completely trashed MY life. I had a friend back in 1990 who invited me to spend Christmas with her and her husband out in L.A. She called me after I left and told me how concerned she and her husband were about my well-being. She told me, "We think you've completely lost yourself." I didn't have a clue what she was talking about.

Fast-forward to 2007: I now understand what she meant, but it took me another FOURTEEN YEARS to "get it." I started to crawl back into the land of the living after finding this board and going to Al-anon meetings. I was either going to go crazy or I was going to get sane. I wanted sanity really, really bad. I'm not where I want to be yet, but I'm sure as heck a lot further down the road than I was four year's ago.

Just food for thought: You have to love living inside your own skin. That's the only person you're stuck with in this life. Love yourself first. Value yourself. It's wonderful and it's morally right to help other people. But it has to begin with YOU.

dollydo

You do not own him, he is his own person, and you need to be your own person. And, no one else can make you happy, this comes from within you.

As for finding himself after less than 3 weeks, it doesn't happen that fast, it may take him a year, who knows, but one thing I do know is, you need to edit that tape that keeps going around and around in your head. You are letting him take up too much space in your head and this is keeping you a prisoner in your own mind.

Get out, visit your friends and family, And, don't bring him up, talk about you, your day, the weather whatever, just start taking some positive steps to stop obsessing about him.

When he wants your help, he will contact you, you are wanting to smother him, time to back off and move forward with your life. He is.

hbb

Thanks ladies, i know what you mean. It's just a hard transition to do and will take me a long time. People say it all the time, your so nice, your so great, your such a great friend...i do what i do, i never stop to say "ya their right" it's not like me to do that. I don't feel as though i own my abf, just care too much to see him slip back to the person i met 9 months ago that was on deaths door. That was a fight i was willing to go to ends of earth for. I know i can't cure it, control it and that i didn't cause it but i just know that there is a fun, loving, caring, great person underneath that depression and sadness that he's masked for so long now. I have made some plans for myself....as we speak my dad's away so i'm painting my mom's kitchen ceiling and visiting with her, bowling tomorrow night, trivia wed. night, al anon thurs. and camping sunday - wed. But unfortunately he's with me where ever i seem to go these days.

denny57

I believe you; are you willing to consider that to someone reading your posts it appears you do feel you own him; that you are trying to control his life?

hbb

No i really don't believe that it appears that i own him, he's not my child and i'm not his mother. To be honest with you i don't believe this has everything to do with being sober, i think that he can be disrespectful and inconsiderate of my feelings when i'm upset or down myself. But for the most part kept myself upbeat even if i wasn't so it didn't add to his plate of stress. And before you jump, i know that's not the right way to be but that's how it was for a long time. We have had increadible stresses where his family is involved and i'll just leave it at that for now. But now this is where i feel i have to get defensive for my actions when all i'm looking for is yes i want to be with you or no i don't, not i'll be in touch sometime when i feel like it so hang on.

aztchr

He's telling you the answer. Unfortunately, it's not the one you want.
You can't control his answers either. It's not the answer, it's accepting it for what it is that's the problem.

denny57

hbb, I can so relate to your thinking, because i thought that way myself. I had to LEARN to accept what IS. You WANT a yes or no, but you're getting a maybe. That's the reality - MAYBE.

I can't make someone give me a yes or no. It's what I do with the maybe they give me that matters. It doesn't invalidate my feelings - that I would like a yes or no - but I have had to learn to deal with what IS. It was about learning priorities - did I want to be right or did I want to do what I could to improve my life.

It isn't easy, but it's so very worth it.

((()))

hbb

Denny your so right, bottom line is that i need to work on me, whether he comes back or not. If he does then im not ready at this point because i haven't given myself a chance. He hasn't said anything other than he needs a break and i've made myself mental and i believe it's because i let a LOSER years ago destroy my self esteem and compare this to that when it's completely a different animal....my bf is not even close to the loser i dated years ago that cheated on me and left for someone else. And i know that but it's hard to seperate sometimes ... thanks for knocking this into me, it does mean alot even if i do find some tough love on here!!

aztchr

Denny helped me learn this, too! It does get better when you start focusing on yourself. If his maybe changes, you'll be in a better position to decide for yourself what to do with his answer. You might surprise yourself! Stay strong!

prodigal

There's your answer: you ALLOWED someone else to trash your self-esteem. You allowed someone else to control the feelings you eneded up with when a relationship went sour. Now you're overly-vigilant about reading every little thing into what your current guy does because you've been hurt by a previous relationship.

hbb, my momma didn't raise a dumb daughter ... it doesn't appear to you that you are controlling him. I know you really believe that. But you desire certain responses and you expect certain behaviors and he's not giving you what you feel you need. That, in a nutshell, IS all about control.

hbb

Prodigal, if your trusting in someone and care about someone so much, you do open up and give alot of yourself and not worry that things will go sour. I had no reason to feel like we couldn't work things out. We've had ups and downs from the beginning (not with he and i) with family members. I thought that if we could get through that we could get through anything. I'm coming to terms with the fact that he's probably gone for good and i know closure won't make things better but i guess i thought of him better than to just disappear like this, leaving things open saying he wanted the family and house with ME but couldn't the way he was feeling. Why wouldn't i believe that??? Who wouldn't, and when getting my keys me saying i didn't feel like it was over and he said he didn't either and just this past thurs. still claiming we are taking a "break".

I'm not and will never be that person that says ok, you walked away then screw you and move on. I don't have that inside of me even for how much as happened to me over the years. I never developed those feelings even though i wish i would sometimes.

splendra

I have cared so much about others that I have used up all my resources credit ruined, living hand to mouth hardly able to do for myself depressed unable to work at times.

Now I am at an age where I should have some security built up and not have to work so hard. I can't even take a little vacation....I can't do it cause I have nothing to fall back on and no one to help me.

All of this cause I met the man of my dreams err... should I say worst nightmare...

My h is unbelievably talented, intelligent, handsome but, at the end of the day I have to go to work cause all he has provided me with is bad credit and a mountain of bills...

hbb

I guess it goes back to you think they will be different but i guess i've come to realize that people generally don't change. It scares me to death about this loan i did for him in his financial situation...but i guess love is blind. Not that i wanted him to change who he was but i guess i thought he would take more initiative and get that fire under his butt .... he doesn't even make it check to check.

Live

It is possible to have boundaries for our own protection.
I learned mine the hard way like Splendra.
Yesterday someone I thought was a good friend said things to me that a friend does not say. For me, it is over...just that simple.
the things said hurt me, but that is on the other person, not me.
And I prefer to be with people who respect me.
If it doesn't go both ways, then it isn't worth having. In fact, it is harmful.