marle

Do any of you feel like sh*t the day after you have a Codie slip? I think it is a little akin to the feeling an addict must have when they relapse. I play the scene over in my mind. I ask myself why the heck did I do it and I feel like I have taken 100 giant steps backward. I know I will be okay in a few days, but I feel all the progress that I have made just went down the tubes because I spent a few minutes venting to my AD. And it was not even in person or over the phone. It was by text message. I am sure she would have hung up if I had called. I really do need to learn to keep my mouth shut and even if I don't hear from her for years, I need to let that go too. It is just so hard sometimes for me to keep hope alive when I don't even know if she is. Marle

helpus

We all make mistakes. With each mistake we learn more. I think your vent came more out of fear & frustraion, which is very understandable, she's your daughter & you love her very much. Keeping you both in my prayers
.

bookmiser

((((((Marle))))))

I responded to your other thread this morning before I saw this one.
Go read it. It comes from my heart.
Loving Prayers,
Linda

lostparent

You may have slipped, but to me your still one of the stronger ones on here..I have learned a lot from reading things you post.

notsleepingwell

ditto what bookmiser said...

splendra

yea the beatings we give ourselves can end too...

Lobo

((((Marle)))), I think you are awesome. When I compare myself to you girl, Your recovery really shines. I have such a long way to go. I still do all of the wrong things. You would think after 5 yrs. I would be the head of the codie recovery class.
Far from that.........I learn from you everyday. I still think there is nothing wrong for you to want to know if your AD is dead or alive. I think that is the humane thing to do for you and her. I think the venting to her was purely an emotional release because of the mental anguish you were going through. Remember we might be codies, but we are also mothers.

I hope the sun is shining on you today you deserve it................Lois

HKAngel24

Marle-
I, too, feel the emotional hangover. It feeds into the codie feeling and then seems to jump start a vicious cycle- we feel crappy for acting crappy and that makes us continue to feel crappy.

I think it's hard to be our own voice of reason- but maybe your rational voice can talk you down- speaking gently and calmly tell yourself that your progress is NOT erased and that it is okay to falter- that is what helps keep us stepping. Progress not perfection.

laketime

Marle, I Too Ditto The Others. You Are An Inpiration And Model To Us All. Hey, Nobody's Perfect. I Enabled Last Week As Well, I Posted How Sick I Was, You Responded, Like Always. Don't Beat Yourself Up, So Don't Beat Yourself Up.

sun daisy

I think that we have more feeling than the addict. We still feel the pain of a codie slip and try to do better next time. Usually I try to be easy with myself. I hate it when the 3 A.M. wide awake self - why did I do that and I know better comes along. I know that we all have some self doubt but we always try to be easy on ourselves. I really think that we do want to do what is best but boy it really hurts sometimes. Especially when I realize that what ever I do, is not appreciated and only sets us up for more slips. I hope it gets better.

mooselips

(((Marle)))
Don't beat yourself up.
We're in a learning process here, and the motto is progress, not perfection.


You've done so well, really, I always learn something from your posts, I'm always eager to read your replies. Slips happen, we learn from them, and move forward.

Ladybugg

marle, I know exactly what you mean. That is why I have to do the "no contact", I tried every other way and I can't do it.

Spiritual Seeker

Sometimes we must remember MOM can stand for "Masking-tape Over Mouth"
All of us know the slip all too well. When my son calls if I am having a good day, I just listen and I can read between the lines to determine how he's doin' I've said it all before so the best thing I can do is just listen and be the person he wants to talk to. He is an addict, so what tiny relationship we have is better than none at all. He NEVER calls for advice so who am I to offer it? I do tell him how i am feeling, cuz I am true to myself.

raerae6

I've been split up from my addict since mid-Feb. Sometime in march I called him and he was a jerk and i felt horrible...
I guess I was sad cause he didn't call on my B-day.
Then I took his number out of my phone to make sure that didn't happen again.

About 5 weeks ago I realized that I wasn't thinking about him much anymore. That is when he started calling like crazy and ringing my doorbell. This went on for a couple weeks and then i finally got weak and answered the phone...3-4 times in the following couple weeks...each time I felt awful afterwords. I don't even know how to process or explain the feelings..

I have no temptation to answer the door, though. He is very good at seducing me and if i let that happen, I'm taking a GIANT step back...

I feel lots better when i don't answer the phone.

marle

Raerae, I told my husband the same thing last night. I don't know how to explain or process the feelings that I have toward my AD. I don't know what they are or what they mean. It is just such a dark, confusing feeling. And I was doing so good at being out of that dark place. It is a struggle, isn't it? Hugs, Marle

Ladybugg

The good thing is that we notice what puts us in that place, and we don't have to stay there as long as we used to. (((Marle)))