Dreamz

Ok. So I'm starting a thread. I don't really know what I want to get out of all this but I've been having the worst two days ever and I would like to write about it every day for however long it takes.

I don't know if I'll ending helping myself, others, or no-one but I figure what have I got to lose?

You don't have to reply but any thoughts, stories, needs to vent are welcome.

So here goes...

Two nights, I had a MONSTER shift at work (12 hours) and it takes me 2 hours to get to work and then 2 more to get home - so it's sorta like a 16 hour shift. So I was REALLY tired. I'm in the office by myself and normally I can keep myself busy but I've gone and hurt my foot and its infected so my foots swollen and I can't really walk much - so I was tired and bored.

I've already been down a bit lately because I have had a HUGE falling out with a friend - He's basically split the entire group up and I was also really good friends with his brother and now I can't talk to his brother. I'm sick of people who just don't give a dam. I hate it when someone is by themselves or alone - but people don't even think twice when I've got no-one. All my life, when things go wrong I'm always blamed - and myabe it's my fault maybe it isn't but I'm sick of making friend sand then losing them. Whats that saying- its better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all - I don't know about that, because all of time I sit at home and remember all the times I' was happy and compare to how crummy my life is now. I hate being so alone.

So anyway ... at work ...

Right out of the blue - as if I hadn't even quit, I started thinking - man I could really use a line right now (meth) Just as if it was the most normal thought to have. I kept thinking about it and thinking about it and I really wanted one. Like if I had some in front of me there is no way I would've been able to say no.

I have no possible way of getting any, anymore which is good I guess. BUt even now if there was some there I don't know if I would actually turn it down.

I'm so ashamed at myself but it gets worse because ever since then - meth is all I can think about.

Where are these thoughts coming from?

Have I suddenly turned mental - I mean I still miss meth probably everday, everyday I think about it but last night I was ready to throw myself on the floor and chuck a tantie because I didn't have any. I was even thinking last night as I left work that I should go buy pipe just incase I find some on the weekend. How insane am I?

Does my recovery mean nothing to me?

Anyway I think I'm over the worst of it. I still really want some and if it was here I don't know if I would say no or yes but at least I'm not ready to throw a tantrum. A friend said maybe it was just my long shift getting to me, and I think she's right but still I don't want to feel like this everytime I have a long shift. Its really making me mental.

Anyway - I guess we'll see how I feel later.

I can only hope I get better and I'm not going down hill.

Luckyv2

A craving or thought only last 7 seconds! It is us that keeps focusing on it that makes it last longer. The only way to get out of self is to help another addict. One addict helping another addict is without parallel. Try to focus on something else, like read, maybe pray for the thoughts to leave, etc. Just hang in there nothing is forever.

Love Vic

CarolD

Thanks for sharing..

stacey

I think what Vic said is really true. It's normal to be in a crappy situation and then all of a sudden revert back to an old thought, like wanting meth, to get out of it. But it's all the over-analysing that goes into that one thought... "what does that mean, does my recovery mean nothing, would I use if it was in front of me"... that makes you more anxious and makes that one thought of meth bigger than it really was in the first place.

For what it's worth, I think just own that feeling, say "Yeah, that was how I used to solve my probs, and it came to me as a solution at that moment. Big deal. Those thoughts are normal, but I know better. I won't let that thought ruin my recovery"

I dunno, just my two cents.

Good luck for the weekend, maybe just keep low if you're feeling a little anxious about using. Stay in and watch the footy grand final if you're into that! (Noticed you're an Aussie, me too )

Ngokpa

It's natural to think of our drug of choice when we're stressed, because we have a history where it brought relief. Throw in our physiological addiction on top of that, and yeah our mind can gravitate that way. Which is why going to meetings is important, so that we keep in mind that it doesn't work any more, and that developing new habits are likely to have a payoff.

One is writing. Good for you.

Arura

(((Dreamz))), cravings are very normal...you are virualy discrbeing a situatoin,...to wind your mind up even more,...! This is were meetings, n counselling come in ....also your Very busy n with the foot hurting your imobalszied in a sense...! sorry to hear that by the way Sweetie.xXx...!
So you have time to sit n let the mind wander....!

Get planning a hol,..I remember you saying you like to plan hols n pic were you want to go,...! So let your imagination run, hon....where could WE all go....???? Bora Bora,.....but thats just one option,...
Replace whose thoughts with others,...of a totally diifferent situation.
No more imaginary lines...! as thats not gona help as ((Ngokpa)) said, you become fixated .That way lys relapse...fixate on something better, as sure as eggs are eggs your worth better.!
Much Love to you Sweetie,...

laurience

Dreamz,
I just wanted to say I am sorry your having a rough time. I also hate when I have any kind of falling out with friends. It makes the situation very uncomfortable and it sucks. I am sorry your having to go through that.

As for cravings, hang in there. It is still fairly new for you as well (6 months) so your addict mind is bound to bounce back and forth. Try and remember any painful memories associated with meth. Take good care of yourself and were always here so your not alone.
Joanne

nogard

Dreamz,

Keep doing waht your doing, talk about whats going on and share it.

Take it from me and all those with more experience than me it passes.

The offer to talk on the phone is always open.

Kevin

beyondbedlam

You know what I love about Dreamz, she is worried about her sobriety. She has taken time to learn how to enhance her post, make it colorful and attractive. I think she is doing something amazingly constructive to her future. She has taken being clean and figured out how to make it art.

Dreamz that is what I would love for you to do, every time you think about doing a line do something creative. If anything doodle in a notebook and post it online. If you can't put it online right now send me a PM and I will find and send you a scanner or what I can so you will.

I am really sorry I haven't replied sooner.

Keep it simple and keep it clean.

Dreamz

Dreamz

Ok Just read the response properly and really thought about each one. I really appreciate them because it gives me an outside opinion. I get so clouded in my own head that I don't know whats right or wrong, whats real or not. It's weird anyway here goes.

Quote:

Originally Posted by luckyv2

A craving or thought only last 7 seconds! It is us that keeps focusing on it that makes it last longer. The only way to get out of self is to help another addict. One addict helping another addict is without parallel. Try to focus on something else, like read, maybe pray for the thoughts to leave, etc. Just hang in there nothing is forever.

Hey Vic thanks. I always appreciate what you say. I completely agree with you about the 7 seconds thing because I've heard it before

and I know its just me thinking about the craving that makes it worse but I can't stop that thinking, and the more I think about it, the less I want to help myself or help others. I know that sounds incredibly selfish, but its just so hard. It was easier for me a couple of months ago - it feels like its getting worse and sometimes I actually contemplate just getting a bit to get myself over the craving and starting again. I know that sounds wrong now - but thats really how my brain works when I'm craving.

I don't know - maybe it will get easier - everyone has said it will but the easiness just seems so far away sometimes.

Dreamz

I know what you're saying but I can't help the over analysing. I try so hard but I just sit there and want it til I get in tantrum mode. I am trying though - hopefully I'll get a bit better at this.

PS YAY for us Aussies - did you watch the football? Who were you going for? I was going for Broncs only because I LOVE Queensland

Dreamz

Haha - you need to be crazy to be able to get through to me - crazy is the only language I understand. I've never been normal - I have an over active imagination!!!

Dreamz

But does that last forever? How long does it take until we stop automatically thinking of our drug of choice each time something bad or stressful happens?

Dreamz

Thanks honi, thats a really good idea - but when I get in cravings mood I don't feel like doing anything, its like an effort to do ANYTHING - should I just force myself to do the fun things that noramlly I love like that? What happens if I associate all those fun things with my cravings then I end up resenting them?

Dreamz

I do I really do, but then the fun times over power the bad times.

Fun. . . . . . . . . . . . . Bad

I know this sounds like I have an answer to all your positive advice and thoughts. I don't mean to sound ungrateful I'm not, I'm extremely grateful, I'm just getting it all off my chest!!!

Dreamz

Thank-you Kevin. I know if I just hang in there I'll reach a point where cravings like this no longer kill me - it just sometimes feels like this place in unreachable!!!

So I guess I'm hanging in there!

Dreamz

Thank-you...you really seem to get me. Thank-you for saying what you love about me. That was really nice to read! I do try and do something creative and crafty and "Dreamz-ish" when I'm having cravings but I just don't have the energy - even posting on SR seems like too much of a job (but I do it because I know it will probably help) and I usually draw mental blanks when I'm craving - nothing else enters my mind. I can't think of fun things, I don't even like thinking. You have given really good advice though. I will definately remember that when I go through hell again.

Live

Dreamz,

I am not even going to pretend I understand craving meth.
But I do know that long, long shifts wear on our minds. I tried to be super woman doing that once.
Being in pain is wearing and makes us vulnerable.
And, for me, betrayed friendships are heartbreaking. I am hurt, vulnerable and grieving.
So with these stressors, I hope you can find a way to relax and recuperate.
It sounds like your body and spirit needs rest, repair and rejuvination. And you certainly deserve it.
I just know you can be so much better to yourself than a drug hit that hurts even more and more deeply.
Could you fit in a spa day and get a massage?

It has been a hard, hard lesson for me to learn false friends from those who truly love and care for me.
I have had one who used me who has been trying to phone me off and on for several weeks now. He thought because I put up with his crap for over 20 years I would put up with it forever. But, I just keep hitting the silence button when he calls.
Anyone who calls you names is verbally abusive and does not respect you.
You deserve better and you will find them.
Can I send you a hug of comfort?
You are such an inspiration and comfort to so many here. And I have admired that.
I have different problems, but the core is loving myself enough. I think we can have that in common. I think you are lovely. I hope soon you see yourself that way again.
hugs,
live

Dreamz