OnceNice

to an AA meeting tonight. I've been there before a couple years ago and did not like them.
I've been posting on the mental threads, cause I do believe that that is were I belong. I have a lot of issues.
But Im getting no where fast. Drinking and depression just sucks royally. And if I can suck that way, I figure I can suck it up and go to AA again.
I'm afraid to drive (another stupid mental thing) so I have to drive to the one that is closest. I was there before Its for women only which is what the doc says I should try.

Its just I don't want to listen to them talk about how great there lives are now. I just want to tell them that I can't shake this stuff cause I drink alone and in a room. I"m so worried about whet they will think. I know that we are all in the same situation, but I've just can't stop thinking about them passing judgment on me (another mental problem, constant worry about what others think, which is why I drink alone)

Anyway, I so don't want to go. But I like this thread and I want to fit in and I can't fit in if I don't try. Just cant bitch all the time. I'm getting sick of hearing myself. I'm tired of feeling so stupid.

Maybe its time to say, "Who gives a F##! about what others think and take care of myself. Why is that so hard. My brother was a drunk and he never gave a rats butt about anyone or anything. I drink and want to solve world hunger or something and dwell and dwell. I want to fix everyone but me. Big dumb stupid martyr is what I am. No need for tough love on me. I beat my own ass.

So My goal is to lay off the beer and use the money for a computer at home.
Religion runs raw with me so I need a higher power. I'm a catholic whose mother raised her with guilt, lots of guilt. So I'm afriad if I pick a higher power that's not a religion. I'm doomed (stupid i know)

Okay, well I have to get to work. The woman's meeting starts tonight at 5:30 I believe. Its on my way home. Its 9:00 here. Hope I don't spend 8 hours talking myself out of it.

splendra

(((OnceNice)))

Keep an open mind. Remember that you are doing it for you (AA). Do not worry about what others think.

You never know who you might help by being honest about your feelings in a meeting and that person could be you. Try not to worry just do it.

best

They will think....

It is so nice that she came here and is looking for answers.
I remember when I was in her shoes, I hope she finds the joy I now know even faster then I did.

Some will think...How can I help her? What can I do for her?
others will think... She is so blessed to be looking for the support and help now, rather then waiting as long as I did.

But the real truth about what they will think....

I wonder if the store will be open, I need get some milk and bread on the way home.

May even have one or two who are thinking... This girdle is killing me, why do I continue to wear it?

c'est la vie

Rose, I can't tell you how happy I am to see you posting here. You are reaching so many more people here than in Mental Health. I'm having a bad drinking day, so I'm wishing through you that things are good in life. Please go to the meeting, no matter what crazy things go through your mind. GO, GO! I don't care what kind of things are going through their mind. Who CAres! You need to be there and that's what matters! Whether their stockings fit or not, please don't think about their minds. Think about you!!!! Don't talk yourself out of going!

Best, you know I'm not degrading your post, because I respect you. I'm just needing to wish the best for someone who is struggling.

GO TO THE MEETING!!!!!!!!!

OnceNice

Thanks everyone. Best, maybe I WILL wear the girdle. Keep my mind off what others are thinking. Ha.

BSPGirl

Best of luck and I'll keep my fingers crossed no one at that meeting's gonna say 'oh anti depressants are just alcohol in pill form'. Heh...

OnceNice

HI BSPGirl. I hope they don't say anything to me like that. Truthfully I just want to go and listen to them say things I understand. Like how this just sucks. I'm afraid they are gonna talk about how great things are. And be clickey. I've seen that in Woman's AA meetings before in 1993 and 2001. I have a hard time listening to peoples joy when I feel so crappy, ya know. Especially at AA, but I don't know where else to go. Plus it will be all woman and I'm a woman. I know how they are when they get together. They talk about kids and husbands and how sobriety makes their life so much more enjoybable and go on yacking about how great their weekend was. I just don't relate to that. Sometimes I'd rather hear the men. They don't gab about stuff like that.
I don't know. I just have a bad headache, and I"m not sleeping and I'm wastng my life so I got to get off my Ass and do something.

Chy

Just go, don't set yourself up with negative thoughts before you get there! Listen to the joy of others in anticipation of getting there to. See that recovery does work and support and friendships of others can be a stabalizing force in getting you feeling good about yourself. Good luck!

Purrdy

Hey rose...bloody brilliant to see you here! i have been thinking about you a lot....God I wish you were here I would take you to meetings where they dont talk sh@t but talk about the real feelings and madness that goes on in our heads....

when i went to AA all i wanted to do was to stop drinking...the first meeting hit me between the eyes.. another woman told her story...it was not sugar coated she was 10 years sober at thet tme and still had stuff to work through but she gave a very real and harrowing account of her life drinking and how it was today....I was totally knowcked out.....

that is why i went back i knew i had a problem...i felt exactly the same as you ...please believe me rose I did...even today I can go sliding down that pit of despair...i honestly can!

Some meetings can be so good...true and healing...some can be simply awful....
I can remember i went to some in the USA and had never felt so unwelcome in my life!!!

they were clicky and so very patronising, the expereince was good and at least i went and didnt drink.....

i like to hear the truth...the grit and [email protected] need reminding of how it used to be, i also tell it how it is too...if you want a true account of what life was like for me when i was drinking you can access my story through the forums...if you want to talk about how it is for me today pm me.....

I am having a hard time today...just getting through the day is like walking through treacle...recntly i have wanted to take a drink...but i wont...i have too much to lose and i just know if i get through this limbo itll all sort itself out.....i dont want to go back to how it was that was like living in hell


Time is what you need now and im sure that there will be someone who can help you...

the dynamics of AA meetings change regularly, youll probaly find its completely differetn now....

the important thing for me is to have a home group and people who know my story and know me...

I dont lie in meetings i never have...for the first time in my life i fu@ked and blinded my way to recovery god i was so angry...i guess in many ways i still am...but hey im just an alkie trying to get well you know?

Rose I admire and respect you for being here and for keeping on trying...i know you want this i do....

love to you and yours...

purrdyxxxx

c'est la vie

Please don't talk yourself out of going because they may talk about feeling good being sober. It's one of those side effects of sobriety.

Please post about your meeting!

OnceNice

Purrdy, I'm sorry you are having a bad day. I do understand everything you said. I hope you pull through. The day. I hope we both pull through the day.


Why is this so damn hard. I can't tell you how I go to bed sometimes begging my dead father to speak to me and help me. He died of ciorsis (spelling wrong I'm sure) of the liver back in 1973.

I keep having these dreams I've had them for years. The same ones over and over. I can never find either my locker, the classroom or my homework.

Last night I dreamt about not finding all three plus my dog. Running around the school. I don't even have a dog. I have a cat.

When I looked it up on the internet about dreaming about school and not fining things Ithink it said I'm search for new answers.

I wish there was somewhere else to go rather than AA. When I was in th rehab, there meetings were better. They just talked about how you felt. None of this praying at the end and find a buddy to work with. That is so hard for a person with low self esteem to do.

Walk up and say:

"Hey like me enough to help me okay. I'm pathetic and I act like a martyr and I'll probabyy get on your nerves like I did my family, friends and lovers, but just do it anyway cause we are all the same."

I tried to do two things that an alcholic usually does. Go to a bar by myself. and the other was a one night stand. I never did those in my 20 some odd years of drinking, but I tried in the last two weeks. It was miserable. Even drunk. I felt stupid sitting alone in a bar and the one night stand did not go very well. But I'm lucky I wasn't killed but stupid enough to let him know where I live and no protection. What a dumbass I am. I just wanted to feel like I was pretty ya know. like I had something. And if I was gonna be a drunk I'd start acting like one instead of sitting on the couch sipping and thinking how to be a better person.

It was terrible.

Purrdy, everone. This is just madness, pure F'ing madness.

best

Thank you for the gentle reminder. Being a guy, I tend to tell things straight up at times and forget to put in the care that I do have inside.

My example were trying to say... What we think others may be thinking is no way even close to what our own thoughts tell us they may be thinking.

Yes go to the meeting and listen to what you feel you need, leave what is talked about that you feel doesn't apply to you. Next meeting gather more, as there is always something we can gather from others.

best

Something I would like every man to understand and show to all women...

Women "are" God's gift to man and men should treat women in that manner.

When Adam first looked at Eve, it says Bone of my bones, flesh of my flesh.

The proper translation per many Jewish scholars...

WOW! She is Beautiful beyond word WOW! WOW! WOW!

Please always remember... You are a gift from God and you need require any man to treat you as such.

OnceNice

Thanks Best. Well Everyone its 11:00 a.m. here I'm still planning on going.
I don't really want to go to the all woman one. But, its early. I hate meetings at 8:00 and 9:00. pm I'm usually passed out by then. I wouldn't make it till 8:00 p.m. without a drink or changing my mind.

Again, this just sucks. I can't think of anything else to say, but this just sucks.
I come from a family of eight kids. Two out of the 8 are drunks. Lucky freaken me.
The youngest of them all. 40 year old. As evil as this sounds, I'm jealous and angry that it was me that was chosen. Even my birth for my mom was hard. Almost died as a baby. Wasn't that enough. The others popped right out. From the begining I was doomed to have a tough life.

What am I learning. I'm envious, jealous, selfish and just plain stubborn. My mined is mental, my body is addictive. I want to learn something else. But I feel so damn stupid. I can't even go out and act like a loser drunk. No, I have to sit in my house with no kids husband. Just a stupid television and a beer. What a stupid way to live

This sucks I know I keep saying it but for God sake it does.
I don't even have any tears anymore. I"m afraid I"m turning cold.

I have no self worth, I'm not even a good mean drunk. Just sit alone. I can't even do that good. Can't have one nights stands like others, cant' sit in a bar like others.

I should consider myself lucky that I do not like those things but I'm just as bad.

I'm sorry. I'm making myself sick here. Constant complainer I am. I'm just having a darn bad day.

I'm at work and I need to be productive. I need to.

I wish I could just leave now and go to one.
I'm sick

NoMoBeer

Once Nice;
Can you call the local AA office and have someone pick you up for an earlier meeting? Or come to the house?

Your posts sound like your pretty tied up in knots. Know the feeling, and hate it..

My only advice would be to leave your expectations at home. You've got a lot of them, and they will only turn around a bite you. Trust me on this -- been there and done that.

Try to go and keep an open mind -- relate to the similarities, LISTEN -- you'll hear your story in there somewhere. Most of all keep an open mind -- and remember -- it's just for today. Tomorrow's not promised to us and yesterday is history.

Great that you're taking action.

Ken

OnceNice

Does anyone know if I can print out just the things that I (no one else) say on here. I thought if I can't tell them in person, I could have some of these things in front of me that I type here and use them like Que Cards. That's probably pretty stupid Huh? Can't even speak for myself about my own life.
I just didn't want to forget anything.
How stupid would it be to read some of the things I write to the people at the meeting.
I just want to print mine of course. NO one elses.

c'est la vie

I was wondering the same thing to put it in my jounal. It seemed pointless to rewrite all the same stuff, especially since it wouldn't feel the same as when I wrote it the first time.

If you go to member list and click on yourself, then pull up all posts by "oncenice" you will have a list of all the things you've ever written. I was planning to just open each one, then copy and paste into a Word document. I don't know if there's an easier way, but at least this is one suggestion.

I don't think it's corny at all. It's a great way for them to see what's in your head without the pain of talking through it. Of course, I'm sure they'll have you talking about it soon enough if you stick around.

I wish you the best tonight.

NoMoBeer

NOT STUPID AT ALL!

Sometimes when we sit and write, our thoughts are a little more clarified. Then at a meeting -- "uh, I was going to say... uh... PASS."

I think you would be wise to do that, especially starting out. I used to bring my Big Book and 12x12 with me to meetings, so I could reference stuff. Now I just kind of shoot from the hip....

I have a good friend in the program (we share the same sponsor) who constanly makes notes at the meeting to help clarify his thoughts. Hey, we need what we need to make sense, but most of all we need to get stuff out there so others can help us out...

splendra

In my city there are 12:00 noon meetings that people go to on their lunch hour. Maybe you can find out if your city has a couple of meetings at that time of day for tommorrow.

Also be aware that the voice that is saying all the junk is the alcoholic in you and there is a you inside that is trying to get you to go to the meeting. Listen to the voice that says go to the meeting let that part of you blosom cause that is the real you.

You will be okay at the one this evening though just go and be open.

OnceNice

Thanks Winelover. I'm going to try that. You must be computer savvy Huh? NoMoBeer, Ive read you responses. You sound so together. It makes me feel good to have someone who has more knowledge let me know that I'm not being foolish with my ideas to help myself. Sometimes on here some people come back with some pretty harsh things. Tough love like I said, I give to myself.
I always consider myself unique (don't we all) but I just never caused any trouble Just sat home and cried and drank. Got myself into some pretty stupid situations thinking I was being nice. When actually I was being a naive drunk.

Thanks everyone. Its 12:35 and I'm still planning on going. I have a bad headache today. I have this feeling two things are going to happen. either work is going to keep me late and I won't go, or I'll just pass up the exit and go home. I know myself too well. If work keeps me late I'll think it was a sign not to go. When actually there are later meetings and they keep me late to work, not sabatage my plans. Just being honest. Too many years of counseling. I'm smart enough to know I'm screwed.

To tell you all the truth, I sabatage myself all the time. I think I deserve bad things so I mess it up on purpose. That's just stupid.

Thanks you all for listening today.

Still planning on going.