Don W

I'm sure nobody else has probems with this but, thought I'd vent a little. I do so well and then I get angry and fall into old thoughts and behavior. I wonder if I'll ever get to the point when I can say, " I don't care" and really don't care. Today at work I was the target of some unfair criticism. I know it is OK to respond but, I have problem responding in an apprropriate way. I have PTSD also so maybe it's in part to that. However, I treat criticsim like I was wounded. I fear criticsim to the point even here I have to log back on to see if I was criticised. The to add to the problem I'll strike out without stepping back and getting control. I've been really trying to do this and can't believe I failed at it today. My skin is just way to thin at times. Is there any way to thicken it? When I was drinking I had thick skin and could ward off criticisim.
I was going to send an E-mail back and blast away. My boss came in so I decided to tell her that I didn't care for the sarcastic E-Mail this person sends. She read it and stated that she didn't like unpleasent things going back and forth over E-Mail. I admitted to her that my first thought was to do something that would esculate it. Now she is going to have a meeting with myself and the other 2 supervisors. One of which sent the starting shot. Now I'm bouncing back and forth upset that I didn't just let it drop. I'm also angry at this person. I'm thinking about all these things to get back at him. I know what I've got to do is find a way to calm down. Collect my thoughts and stop myself from lowering myself to his level. Have you ever had that internal battle of both wanting and not wanting to let go. My thought was to turn to those that always help me. That is you, all of you. I am going to have 2 years on Saturday and was looking forward to a pleasent week leading up. There has been one problem after another. Most handled well but, dropped the ball on this one. I check in later. Don W

mackat

heh don

man was it tuff to learn that i could feel my emotions and live and not use over them!!!

i have been in the learning mode for a long time around this exact same thing...it comes wrapped in all sorts of old baggage. I still miss the balance point some days but with practice and doing just what you are doing- gettin honest, sharing, asking for help, it HAS gotten better.

here's my "balancing" act.: Say what i mean without being mean.

Honor my own boundaries.

Just like drinking- run the 'video' all the way thru...

Accept that i have done plenty of good, smart, beautiful things in my life- consciously try to hold on to them [i am the guy who could only remember all my fluckups]

when i truly wish to be relieved of a perpetual tapeloop thought- time to hit my knees and ask...

FriendofBill

Yessirree Don could I ever relate to your delimma. When someone elses "crap" is spilled onto my plate (Or email inbox in this case), I want to lash out. What helps me is to say "Its NOT about me, its about them". Their inability to communicate without judgement, thier own hostilities, their own lack of appropriateness.

I dont have to logged into there crap, as long as Ive identified that it IS their stuff.

I also ask myself the question "Do I want to be RIGHT with this person, or do I want to be happy?". Usually, I want to be RIGHT in thier FACE, if ya know what I mean...but in the end, I just wanna ne happy with myself, have no regrets on how I handle things.

I am allowed to say what I mean,
mean what I say,
but dont say it mean.

I hope this helps and you can let it go.....pray for the person, it will relieve your resentments!

Chy

Don I won't go into the histrionics of what I'm dealing with but thought you should know you not alone in your emotions. For the first time in a long time I romatised a drink. I know it's not going to solve anything and nor will it resolve the issues at work I'm dealing with. As mentioned it's good we are able to endure without picking up. *hugs out to you*

Don W

Thanks all of you. There are just no easy anwers to life. I agree with all of you about seperating and not personalizing things. And Chy, you read my mind. I didn't post it but, I also pictured a drink easing some of the stress. I even thought about the program I'm in at work. For 2 years I agreed to have myself tested for use. They asked awhile ago if when the 2 weeks are up soon if I be willing to be tested once in awhile. I said sure I don't care I'm not going to drink. Also, in my past once the heat was off I'd sneak a drink. One of my thoughts was to E-Mail them that I changed my mind. I was going to act insulted that I wasn't trusted after 2 years. Really, I thought about being off the test and if I did need something to deal with this I could. I'm not as bad but, I still want to strike. I'm going home, pray for acceptence and peace of mind. I'll go to my VA Hospital Meeting and be damn sure I take my Paxil and Blood Pressure medication. I'll let you know. Many times have you noticed after making a big deal it turns into something OK. Hey, Maybe some understanding and better communication will come from this. Don W

Linda C.

HI Don.. I know a lot of people have shared some good thoughts with you already.. But I could not pass up a few words as I could sooooooo relate..

I had a terrible time with anger.. Just terrible.. I was a mean and violent drunk which landed me in jail at times.. Things don't just go away upon getting sober.. (smile)...... It was a good year before I could even stay in a meeting where the topic was anger.. I had no understanding how people could talk about it... May sound crazy but when I got angry I could not talk.. I took action and usually bad action..

For me, I had to realize anger was an emotion I used to cover the real feelings I did not want to face.. ( rejection, hurt, pain etc..etc..etc..).. Once I started dealing with those real issues I did not have to keep trying to deal with anger. I did not know how to deal with anger.. still don't... But I don't have to as long as I am honest about what is really going on..

As for other people.. It takes time and practice to learn new skills. The program gives us the answers.. We have to put them into practice..

Some of the things that has helped me in this area is to realize that everyone is different... I need to allow others to be who they are.. If it affect me I have the right to say so... LIke you - how I reacted was a problem for awhile.. It has gotten much easier...

I don't like giving control over me to someone else.. Especially some SOB I don't like (smile)...... And that is just what we are doing when we get all fired up over what someone else does or says to or about us.. We just hang those buttons out there for them to push... Even put neon lights on them so they can find them easier.... (hahahaha)......

The bottom line is - I have a choice about that now.. My buttons have gotten smaller and smaller and smaller.. I very rarely let anyone have a shot at them anymore.. I think a lot of it has come from gaining back some self esteem and self worth. From finding out who I am and from working at being honest.. IF I had a part in the situation... I am better at admitting to my end of things.. If not, then I can also stick up for myself.. But I do not have to let anyone rent my head anymore and give them my hours and days..

Lastly --- often times just when we think something is going to be a bad deal it may often end up working for the best...

I guess I did not keep that to a few words (big smile)...

Hang in... hang on... This sobriety thing is a heck of a ride.. And I am glad your going to make a meeting.. That always helps..

Linda C.
"Nothing changes if nothing changes"

Andy F

For me, this is an excellent,pertinent thread.

I have noticed that I get much less upset with other people when I am happy with myself and my life. If I feel ok it would be much harder to affect me with your actions.

I do get angry and perhaps there are degrees of situation that annoy the heck out of me. So I start with eradicating the easiest and most hard to jusify.

The fact that sometimes people annoy me in traffic and other times do not, tells me that the anger is emanating from me, not them. When someone cuts me up in traffic it is the meaning I attach to the situation that dictates how I will feel about it. If I think their action is unfair I will feel angry towards them. If I don't think their action is unfair then I won't feel angry. I believe that my thoughts, beliefs, perceptions are stimulating my feelings. The trick in traffic, and I drive in London, for me has been to look at what I am thinking about other drivers. If a friend of mine cut me up in traffic I probably wouldn't mind. This is probably because I know other parts of their personality and don't judge them completely on a single driving error. So I apply this idea to my thoughts when someone cuts me up in traffic; yes, their driving on this occasion was innapropriate, but I don't know anything else about them and they cannot be completely defined by a single driving incident. They might be wonderful people other than crap drivers. I might be shouting at someone who can't drive, but never steals, or works in their spare time to help the homeless, ad infinitum. Additionally, competant driver that I am, I forget that I occasionaly jump the traffic lights or barge my way into a filter system, but I don't give myself a hard time over it because single discrepancies don't define the whole of me. I don't think too much about the effect I am having on my fellow drivers when I do these things and so why should they? It is not personal.

Similarly, with people I know, if I have become very angry with them then I am likely to be judging the whole of them on partial aspects of their behaviour. What I need is not to dismiss the problem, but to put my anger into perspective. So I balance the books by acknowledging anything positive about the person also. I try to insist on finding three good things about them. Crude, but a start.

best

Anger but sin not

Anger isn't a problem just as temptation isn't the problem.
It is when we act on the anger or temptations that a problem shows up.
If you look back over what you posted, you will see that you did step back. You did think about things and you acted in the correct way.
Many a time I would like to have gotten back at my boss for his unfair treatment and lies. As you said though... why should I lower myself to his level. People will see him for who he is and sooner or later...what goes around will come around and bite him in the butt. I won't need push the issue.

Cap3

Hey Don,can relate.I,was, the all or nothing kinda person.Either i said nothing,and let it build up inside of me cause i couldn"t let go,or id rip roar at another.Only to have regrets after.So,both ways,i felt bad about myself.Either because i didn't say something,or because i said to much.Went over the top.It wasn't until i came to steps4-5,and really got into the roots and causes,of this,that change began to happen.What is a blessing to me,was to realize that anger was my choice.A choice that i make.wowow.I really did not know this.I thought i was justified.I thought that i had to give back as good as i was getting.I mean who wouldn't?This was my thinking back then.Where was all this comming from?For me,it was my ego.It was my ego that always got bruised,hurt,angry,.Step 2 came to believe that a Power Greater than myself could restore me to sanity...Yes,bit by bit one day at a time.It was being angry at myself and my life that helped me to seek recovery.And it was anger that i suffered heachaces,ulcers,and have lost friends,and hurt firiends,and family..Anger is a choice.....that i make..Change my thoughts,my whole world changes...Progress never perfection...

Music

Fear is at the root of most of my anger. I used anger as a tool to cover up my fear. Fear of not getting what I want, or losing something I had/have. I found that if I got angry, with the talent I have for being verbally sharp and overbearing, I could bluff my way through situations that threatened me. I still have times when certain situations arise that tell me I should sit down and have a calm, conversation with another person, that I fall into a confrontation mode, which to me means a fight or argument. I feel myself getting upset and I start rehearsing in my mind, what I'm going to say, what the other person will say, etc. I've found in cases like this that if I go to the other person and ask for "help" to understand the problem, it settles me down, and also serves to calm the other person down. Asking for another persons help kind of de-fuses the situation. Takes the confrontation element out of the picture. I actually had this scenario play out at a retreat I was on over the weekend. I used the "please help me to understand" technique and it worked out really well. I was nervous but all was well. It helps me to take a look at the anger, why I'm fearful, and what do I have to lose.

I use the tenth step in the Big Book to check myself out also. Each day I take a look at what has transpired. Have I don't anything I need to make amends for that day? Have I offended anyone? Did I make any mistakes at work that need to be corrected? If I'm honest with myself and all is well, I have no reason to be fearful. I try to remember too, that "Love and Tolerance" is what I should strive for daily.

BTKelsey820

EXCELLENT post. This is all stuff I'm going through in my life and w/my circle of friends and supporters. It totally sucks that I keep getting out of control with it. I can so relate to what all of y'all are saying and I really appreciate you sharing. It's really helpful to me right now to know that I'm not alone and that there can be a better way to life.

Thanks everyone!

J

Don W

Thanks everyone, I'm working so I'll post responses later. Just want you to know that I went home asked for help and proceeded to rant at rave to my dog, my pillow and whatever about how upset I was. Hey, maybe I needed the vent. My answer for help along with all of you came when I got up. In a controled manor I wrote down all the points I wanted to make at the meeting. I calmed down and self talked myself into understanding that I've done and good job under stressful situations. The most inportant thing is to be self satisfied. The meeting went well and I'm learning that sometimes you don't have to do anything. There are times like this that the person will hang themselves. Which he did. Like I said, some of you made some points I'd like to respond to. Many were taken out of my head somehow. I'll close with I don't understand. In the morning I'll have 2 years. I was looking forward to coasting this week. This week has been the most difficult in a long time. Like I posted before, I admit I was against the ropes about drinking, which I'm not happy I allowed to happen. Don W

GG733

I find it helpful to first, write or type a long vitriolic monstrosity of a response, read and vocalize through it several times with all the zeal of a [self]righteous fanatic, then edit as I calm down. Eventually you'll end up with a short, tactful response when you remember you're not in their shoes and you honestly don't know what life is throwing at them either.