silentrun

I just got called weak by my husband because he found a bottle of Jack Daniels left over from company in the cupboard and I said it couldn't stay. I told him I would get him some coke if he wanted some but the rest had to leave the house by the end of the night. He is not even a drinker but somehow I am making a big deal over nothing and after ten years I should be over it. Also, I am not even a real alcoholic anyway. I guess I didn't really get my ass kicked by recovery either.

Would I drink it if it was in the house? I don't know but I will protect myself and not find out.

He had beers in the downstairs fridge and that's fine. I can't have my alcohol of choice in the house.

Dee74

I moved your post to its own thread - hope thats ok

Weak's an awful word to throw around - especially to someone with a decade of recovery.
I'm sorry he doesn't understand, in a fundamental way, the achievements you've made, silentrun.

get that bottle out of there - its your house too
D

silentrun

Yeah, he dumped it and is back peddling. He took no part in my recovery and had no consequences from my drinking. To him I never did anything. It makes me think of how my mom shunned me for escaping her cult. My greatest achievements look like evil or weakness to those who are in key positions in my life. I guess that's just makes them all the greater.

Dee74

well they matter to you and to us

D

SoberLeigh

Dad has said it well (as always; he is always so spot on). So I will just state my complete agreement with Dee’s words and send you love and support, silentrun.

silentrun

Thanks you guys. That's why I love this place. We all just get it. No explanation necessary.

silentrun

This was good. I can see the underlying pattern I couldn't voice.
I ask for what I need
I am called weak

Nope, not playing that role.

SoberLeigh

Dee, not Dad. Sorry.

You are so very far from weak, silentrun.

silentrun

Right? Lol. Thanks SoberLeigh.

I am far enough into recovery that I wasn't buying it. It felt wrong and now I know why.

Dee74

No problem Leigh.
Not the first time I've been called Dad here

Yes!

D

BullDog777

You protected your sobriety. Protected it. That's anything but weak. That's strength. You probably know too that long term sobriety stats hover right around 10-11%. How long you got? 10 years? Yup...strength.

It's illogical how anyone can call you weak for doing what 90% of all people who try recovery cannot do.

Maybe remind him of that.

You're a certifiable bad a$$. Remember that.

Bottomed

Weak is being apathetic about your sobriety and just letting things go for an easy life.
Lots of times I have had drink in the house, had a minor upset and just took a swig on impulse, and off I went again.
I know you have 10 years (whoa, what an achievement). But I bet you didn't get them without being pro-active to protect yourself.

I think you did the right thing.

silentrun

Thanks everyone. The posts help so much. During early recovery I kept my ears open every time someone talked about relapse after long term sobriety. "I thought I could handle it" seemed like a common theme. I have learned to step outside myself and act as a my protector. No way do I take chances no matter how small I perceive them to he.

I used this situation to solve that ongoing problem of being put down when ever I expressed a need. I told him I would not allow that anymore. Since I can't control him it would have to he his choice what kind of partner he wanted to be. He could have a wife that couldn't ask anything or her could have a wife that felt comfortable asking her husband for something she needed. He does have the option to decline but not the option to belittle. I told him I had no intention of divorce and I might like a partner treats me with dignity but if that's not the case I am perfectly willing to accept that. I will adjust to the fact that I will be belittled by not asking. This pattern is 30 years old do we are mostly there anyway. Now we are just both clear on the situation. It's the striving against this reality that causes the pain and not the reality.

biminiblue

I think lots of time peoples' mouths are quicker than their brains.


Also there's this thing people do where they make fun of each other and/or try to toughen each other up. I think they don't realize that doesn't fly with some sensitive topics. You would think after 30 years he'd know that, but apparently...see the first sentence of this post. I guess it takes one of us to understand the absolute life changing enormity of your achievement.

silentrun

He's unconscious of his maladaptive patterns. I finally got the words to say "stop gaslighting me". I showed him a video on that and he said "well if I can't say any of that what can I say?" I went thru hell trying to recover from that. That fried my CNS in a way I am still trying to recover from. All because he'd rather lie about something than solve. If he likes himself the way he is that's fine. No one is perfect but own it. Stop the deception.

He seems to have a hard timed accepting I am an alcoholic even tho it is now a non issue outside of things like this. I can be around drinking just fine. It's the idea that I might be able to sneak one that I see being a problem. He is completely clueless the storm that was about to hit our family of I hadn't realized my patterns and managed to escape. That's another of his patterns "stick head in sand." This took his daughter from us three years ago. He still attaches things to a person's identity and can't comprehend context or other causal factors. He had started that addiction is a weakness. Ok fine but this way of looking at the world makes him defensive whenever I try to talk to him about his part in our patterns.

Once I identity these patterns we are in they lose their power over me. I don't even think words like weak or strong belong in vocabulary regarding people. I find it very dichotomous.

The moment I realized I had gotten myself into huge trouble with drinking I saw my life played out as an alcoholic and I was parlayed by fear. I felt a presence behind me whisper " It doesn't have to be that way". Its the same with our relationship. It doesn't have to be like that.

Zencat

Not me. There is no love if there is no dignity? Is there trust, respect, freedom, encouragement, celebration of each other? If no. I'm gone.

silentrun

I have freedom. The rest I get from myself so technically I don't need it. If we were in our 20s instead of 55 and 60 it would be a different story. They kinda grow in you after awhile.

VikingGF

I’m glad you stood up for what you needed, silentrun. You are a wonderful example for so many of us.

silentrun

thank you. That's what happens when a codie realizes they should be using all that energy and compassion on themselves. That little quite voice that kept saying " what about me?" when I wanted someone understand me or validate me. the empathy from others that never came. that unconditional love and acceptance I craved. turns out as all I had to do was listen to that little voice and say " yeah, you've always been there for me Silent" I will come to you first.

Free2bme888

Owwwwiiiieeee. 😟

How painful. Glad you stuck to your morals and boundaries.

Super glad you came here.

We love and support you silentrun 😍