Zencat

I would guess so. I have resorted to President Roosevelt's policy to get what I want "speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far". I'm not much for the soft touch stuff. I dig right in the heart of the matter.

silentrun

I dropped the stick in favor of the wall. "Oops dude, you just hit a boundary". People who put others down don't like the real them all that much. His quarrel is with himself and not me. I remove myself from the dance. If I stick him I am just adding gas to the fire.

Zencat

Good going with the borders. I guess we all handle life differently. Got to do what works for you and build on it. Stand your ground works too.

Good for you to vent

Your happiness is not dependent on a dunce so there's that.

silentrun

I tried thinking of how what I said could appear to anyone as not standing my ground. IMO nothing could be more "stand your ground" than standing in your truth and refusing to defend that. I know who I am without any validation. It just is. I left a cult so I am well versed on the power move of knowing that other people think you're the worst kind of person ever and letting them lie in that. l kind of like how that seems non aggressive.

silentrun

I think I could do with a love song for myself


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nrZxwPwmgrw

silentrun

So this happened. I asked him to do a 10 minute job that would have taken me probably an hour and the results would be questionable. He responded by asking me to take a task off his plate so he could do it. I accepted.

silentrun

19 days that lasted. This time I didn't even ask him for anything. He caught wind I had purchased solar lights for my she shed and he had a total relapse. I talked to him about it and reiterated my boundary. Now I am going to hang my lights.

Free2bme888

Yay! Solar lights ☀️🌞💡

silentrun

LOL

Turns out he was laying on the couch beating himself up for spending his vacation laying on the couch. When he found out about the solar lights he figured I was going to ask for help and that made him feel even more overwhelmed. Then he tried to remove that imaginary task by telling me how stupid those lights were.

That came from him so he is actually working on it.

Free2bme888

How frustrating.


you seem to be a person who appreciates getting things done, either by yourself or with the help of others.

Have you ever heard of Chapmans Five Love Languages?

mine is receiving and giving love through tasks.

What us your husbands love language? Yours?

silentrun

I need to look into this some more so thank you.

He is an abuser. We have to unlearn that pattern first. I was so codie I didn't realize this and played right along making it worse. EVERYONE else knew but him and me since nothing physical ever happened.

About six months ago I ran into this woman that used to work with us back in 2005-2010. She asked me if I was "still with my husband." She worked with us and was counseling battered women also. My husband told her I beat on him. This was before I got there so she didn't know me. She saw one of his tantrums and immediately came up to me and told me what he had said and that he was no "battered man". I confronted him and of course it was just a joke. Then he laughed so hard he cried. I told him about running into her and how he was referred to as "my husband and not by his name". That bothered him pretty bad. I am not sure how much awareness is even good to force on someone.

The advantage here is he doesn't want to think of himself that way. Not wanting to think of myself being an alcoholic got me to put it down. People don't know what they don't know. Now that he knows he is responsible for his behavior going forward.