Thanks everyone. The posts help so much. During early recovery I kept my ears open every time someone talked about relapse after long term sobriety. "I thought I could handle it" seemed like a common theme. I have learned to step outside myself and act as a my protector. No way do I take chances no matter how small I perceive them to he.
I used this situation to solve that ongoing problem of being put down when ever I expressed a need. I told him I would not allow that anymore. Since I can't control him it would have to he his choice what kind of partner he wanted to be. He could have a wife that couldn't ask anything or her could have a wife that felt comfortable asking her husband for something she needed. He does have the option to decline but not the option to belittle. I told him I had no intention of divorce and I might like a partner treats me with dignity but if that's not the case I am perfectly willing to accept that. I will adjust to the fact that I will be belittled by not asking. This pattern is 30 years old do we are mostly there anyway. Now we are just both clear on the situation. It's the striving against this reality that causes the pain and not the reality.