Passed the 9 month mark
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 158
Passed the 9 month mark
Well, 2 days ago makes 9 months for me without a drink.
Wish it were better for me, but unfortunately it's not. I think that since it's been this long, PAWS can probably be ruled out. But my doctors cannot find the problem. I have all of these symptoms including debilitating anxiety and panic attacks. I cannot focus on anything. It's a miracle I still have my job, but this week has been bad and there is several times I actually could not do my work because of the anxiety. I'm starting to lose my ability to handle stress and my job is just too much pressure for that to work. I dealt with that standing on my head with the alcohol. I could work crazy drunk and function at a very high level.
I had really hoped that quitting alcohol would help. Maybe the damage it did was just too much and there's no hope for any real recovery as far as my brain goes. Just did another extensive series of labs and they all look good, kidneys, liver great, no diabetes or even pre-diabetes. Scans, all clear for everything. I'd give a kidney and half my liver to have my brain work normally again.
I had went into my doctor's office a few days ago and was complaining about bloating and discomfort in my abdomen. I asked if it was gas or edema or something or maybe gall bladder problems and she was grabbing my belly and said 'that's not edema or gas, that is fat!. I guess I should have been offended but I laughed and my wife enjoyed that a little too much.
You'd think I would be happy, tomorrow I am leaving the country for 2 months and I can do this because my job allows that. I can work from anywhere and not even use any vacation time. I should be happy, but I just don't care. I'd just drink again and finish the job, but I can't do it because I already hurt my wife too much. I just want to finish me off without hurting anyone else, not sure how I do that. It's a bad situation to be in. I just wish I would have never stopped, then I wouldn't care and I'd wind up dying alone.
Wish it were better for me, but unfortunately it's not. I think that since it's been this long, PAWS can probably be ruled out. But my doctors cannot find the problem. I have all of these symptoms including debilitating anxiety and panic attacks. I cannot focus on anything. It's a miracle I still have my job, but this week has been bad and there is several times I actually could not do my work because of the anxiety. I'm starting to lose my ability to handle stress and my job is just too much pressure for that to work. I dealt with that standing on my head with the alcohol. I could work crazy drunk and function at a very high level.
I had really hoped that quitting alcohol would help. Maybe the damage it did was just too much and there's no hope for any real recovery as far as my brain goes. Just did another extensive series of labs and they all look good, kidneys, liver great, no diabetes or even pre-diabetes. Scans, all clear for everything. I'd give a kidney and half my liver to have my brain work normally again.
I had went into my doctor's office a few days ago and was complaining about bloating and discomfort in my abdomen. I asked if it was gas or edema or something or maybe gall bladder problems and she was grabbing my belly and said 'that's not edema or gas, that is fat!. I guess I should have been offended but I laughed and my wife enjoyed that a little too much.
You'd think I would be happy, tomorrow I am leaving the country for 2 months and I can do this because my job allows that. I can work from anywhere and not even use any vacation time. I should be happy, but I just don't care. I'd just drink again and finish the job, but I can't do it because I already hurt my wife too much. I just want to finish me off without hurting anyone else, not sure how I do that. It's a bad situation to be in. I just wish I would have never stopped, then I wouldn't care and I'd wind up dying alone.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,477
I'm sorry things are still not looking up for you The WayBack.
If you're reading the PAWs thread you'll know other people have had long term problems as well, but things do get better.
I hope the change of scene will help
D
If you're reading the PAWs thread you'll know other people have had long term problems as well, but things do get better.
I hope the change of scene will help
D
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,797
Nine months sober is great, but you're still healing, and the brain takes longest of all. Take good care of your health, a good diet and exercise as you can stand. The other thing I must mention is the possibilities that open up when we are grateful for our blessings. When I started practicing gratitude every day, my recovery got stronger .. And practicing gratitude made me happier too.
. And practicing gratitude made me happier too. 
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Gosh, TheWayBack, I think it's pretty normal to have anxiety attacks and health fears even for people who never drank. I hope you can spend some time learning coping skills, there's a lot of info online about anxiety, panic, problems with focus, and ways to work with it. There are many books, too. Look at the book list here on the Newcomers forum sticky list: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ependence.html (Books on Recovery, Spirituality & Codependence)
The most important part is to not give it power. You will heal. You can cope. Don't give in to the Fear. I feel worse when I give voice and time to my fears, so telling them to just, "Stop!" is sometimes all I need to do. I don't want to spend my day in self-pity, it's a horrible way to exist.
Ask me how I know...
I hope you feel better soon.
The most important part is to not give it power. You will heal. You can cope. Don't give in to the Fear. I feel worse when I give voice and time to my fears, so telling them to just, "Stop!" is sometimes all I need to do. I don't want to spend my day in self-pity, it's a horrible way to exist.
Ask me how I know...
I hope you feel better soon.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2022
Posts: 115
Sending you hugs as well. I found personally that my job was WAY TOO STRESSFUL after I got sober, and I realized I was putting myself through the murk unreasonably. I think society demand way way way too much of us and it makes us get this do or die mentality which is ridiculous when we only have so much time on this rock. But changing jobs and career is way easier said then done. Can you identify what at work is the most anxiefy inducing? If you cant change jobs right now can you set some stricter boundaries. Your employer is very lucky to have you and have the best version of you, and if that means they get to hear no every once in a while, they are still winning!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 746
To me it seems like most of us have some kind of anxiety. It just seems so common and I've struggled pretty bad with it myself.
I would suggest trying AA and working the steps. Its not for everyone but from the way you described what's going on, I think there is a good chance you would benefit from it.
If you are like me alcohol wasn't the problem, it was the solution to alcoholism. It's easy to remember back when alcohol could bail us out. It's easy to forget the diminishing marginal returns we saw from drinking. Alcohol is only a feasible solution to restless, irritable, discontent for so long.
Working the steps helps us understand ourselves. I didn't see how it would help me but it did. I had to go to prepare for court. I was pretty broken at the time. My attitude was I don't see how talking about alcohol will help but... My way has me facing a felony so maybe I should try their way. I just went to meetings and figured when in Rome do like the Romans do.
I still go to some meetings but I'm not the textbook AA member that I was in my first year. I've learned that if I don't go to meetings and/or read and post here. If I am cut off from other alcoholics and sober on my own I quickly get to a dark place mentally.
I would suggest trying AA and working the steps. Its not for everyone but from the way you described what's going on, I think there is a good chance you would benefit from it.
If you are like me alcohol wasn't the problem, it was the solution to alcoholism. It's easy to remember back when alcohol could bail us out. It's easy to forget the diminishing marginal returns we saw from drinking. Alcohol is only a feasible solution to restless, irritable, discontent for so long.
Working the steps helps us understand ourselves. I didn't see how it would help me but it did. I had to go to prepare for court. I was pretty broken at the time. My attitude was I don't see how talking about alcohol will help but... My way has me facing a felony so maybe I should try their way. I just went to meetings and figured when in Rome do like the Romans do.
I still go to some meetings but I'm not the textbook AA member that I was in my first year. I've learned that if I don't go to meetings and/or read and post here. If I am cut off from other alcoholics and sober on my own I quickly get to a dark place mentally.
Member
Join Date: May 2022
Location: California
Posts: 354
I agree with RecklessDrunk.
I'm not too far ahead of you in sobrietyTWB - 5/9/2022, but I'm also neck deep in AA and I truly believe that's what got me to where I'm at now.
I had my first panic attack about 4 years ago. I called 911that day because I was convinced that death was minutes away. Unfortunately that wasn't the end of it, despite the Dr's telling me that my body was in good shape. I became afraid to drive myself anywhere, or go anywhere on my own, and was to the point that I was afraid to leave my own house. I had thoughts about taking myself out because of the fear I lived in.
I got psychiatric help and was prescribed Zoloft, which I still take today. It took me a while to get over my ego that I had to have Zoloft but it did help. Now it wasn't a cure all, though. I don't believe that I kinda, sorta figured out how to more easily manage those attacks until I got sober and allowed myself to be vulnerable and to peer really deep into my past. I was dragging so much baggage in my life that I never saw or accepted. This is where the AA program and the connections with people that I met in AA opened doors that I was too blind to see.
You are not alone in this,TWB. I hope that you continue to check in and share your life us.
Take good care of yourself,
Jason
I'm not too far ahead of you in sobrietyTWB - 5/9/2022, but I'm also neck deep in AA and I truly believe that's what got me to where I'm at now.
I had my first panic attack about 4 years ago. I called 911that day because I was convinced that death was minutes away. Unfortunately that wasn't the end of it, despite the Dr's telling me that my body was in good shape. I became afraid to drive myself anywhere, or go anywhere on my own, and was to the point that I was afraid to leave my own house. I had thoughts about taking myself out because of the fear I lived in.
I got psychiatric help and was prescribed Zoloft, which I still take today. It took me a while to get over my ego that I had to have Zoloft but it did help. Now it wasn't a cure all, though. I don't believe that I kinda, sorta figured out how to more easily manage those attacks until I got sober and allowed myself to be vulnerable and to peer really deep into my past. I was dragging so much baggage in my life that I never saw or accepted. This is where the AA program and the connections with people that I met in AA opened doors that I was too blind to see.
You are not alone in this,TWB. I hope that you continue to check in and share your life us.
Take good care of yourself,
Jason
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