biminiblue

Good morning.

I hope you're ready to do this thing starting today.

Stick with us. We believe in you and we are support.

Take back your life, your dignity, your marriage, and your self-respect.

I agree with the people above, when the thought of a drink comes do something else, literally ANYTHING else until the urge passes. It will pass. It's just a thought, if you don't grab on to it it goes away. The brain is weird, it likes to do the same things over and over. It likes to use the same solutions it's used in the past. This solution to everything (drinking) will kill you. It will get worse and it's dangerous - so don't listen to those thoughts.


Put your head on the pillow sober tonight, my friend. No one ever woke up the next morning and said, "Dang. I wish I had drank last night."

OffCourse

Hey there. Thanks for all the kind words, though not too sure I deserve them... still kind of in shock how fast it happened. Just bam, out of no where I drank...it's really hard to describe how my brain, my attitude, my resolve, everything just turned to mush in an instant...I just dont get it, one second I knew I wasnt going to drink and then all the sudden it didnt make sense anymore...just have 1, it'll loosen you up and make everything else go down easier, open you up to talk...the second I took the first sip I knew I was screwed, so my mind told me the answer was to just chug the rest down, and immediately crack another and drink that one down as fast as possible, so that's what I did, it made perfect sense...and then I just kept going...

I really thought I was going to be able to do it.

I gotta do better. I can't keep doing this...

And sorry for the drunk rambling last night. Rough going back a rereading it when I'm not loaded.

I'm going to try again though, maybe this time I can stick with it and not cave at the first bit of resistance.

dwtbd

I can't do 'don't get drunk', oddly enough I realize that I can do 'don't let one drop of booze into my piehole'.
Both of those things were always true, and I stopped the former when I realized the latter. You can too, 100%, rootin for ya.

Obladi

I used to hear "set your confidence level at an arbitrary 100%."
If you haven't already figured it out, I'm big on the power of words.
"Try, maybe and not cave" don't belong in that last sentence.
You are the one and only person who has control over what you put into your body.
Instead, think, "I am going to start again and will stick with it come hell or high water."

I've been here a long time, man. Most of that time was drinking. I've done the waffling and the hoping and the trying. I've also experienced that mind-blowing experience of drinking when I had absolutely no intention to do so. I really had to dig deep to figure out what that was all about - and once I did, it was crazy easy to set my confidence level at 100%. This is just me, though. And it took me a long, long time to get to 6 1/2 months sober. I don't want you to have to go through that. It's hell on earth wanting to stop and not stopping.

It seems that most people stop drinking as their first order of business and then figure everything else out. (If any figuring is needed at that point.) I'd advocate for that way. Just don't drink, no matter what your addicted brain tells you. All it wants is booze and it will try every trick in the book to fool you into thinking that drinking is a good idea, or the only alternative. I'm serious. The addicted part of your brain doesn't give a rat's behind what it takes to get you to drink. Don't fight it, just disregard any of that noise as absolute nonsense. Because it is.

I'm really glad you are still with us, OC.
You can do this, I promise.

O

dpac414

Hey OffCourse,

Just throwing in my two cents of support for you. Quitting drinking is really ******* hard. It's the hardest thing I had to do. But I promise, as will everyone else here, that it gets easier day by day. But that's what you have to focus on - each day as it comes. I know I'm not going to drink today. I have no idea what may or may not happen tomorrow, but that's not for me to worry about right now. I mean, odds are I'm not going to drink tomorrow either, but it's a little easier to break down forever into single days than it is to stare down the rest of my life with no fear.

Hopefully you'll find the AA meetings helpful. I go to one every Wednesday more or less and it's always helpful to listen to people who have more and less sober time than me. It's definitely a good first step, but odds are you'll have to do more for your recovery if you want it to get off the ground. What are you willing to DO to get sober? How honest are you willing to be? It seems like you can't tell your wife, can't say you don't drink, have to keep up appearances, etc, but the truth is, you can do all of those things. Once you start being honest, things get a lot easier. Shame, fear, and guilt live in those dark, enclosed spaces, like a fungus. Let light in, air it out, and it can't survive.

I'm getting a little melodramatic, so I'll cut it off here. But I hope you keep coming here and reading people's stories, posting, and take advice. There is so much of it here, every type of alcoholic in the book. Keep trying and keep going. We are all here for you.

Anna

I'm sorry that you drank and I know that it's hard to come to terms with how hard it is to stop drinking and stay sober. But, we can do hard things. I found, once I accepted that drinking was no longer an option, my mind began to work on finding new and healthy ways to manage. And, planning is important. Sit down and come up with some things you can do next time the thought to drink jumps into your mind.

OffCourse

Thank you. Really going to work on saying will and can instead of try and maybe.

It's strange, sitting here at work and just going over eveything in my head, and just kinda saying "I dont drink, I wont drink" and instead of feeling positive and hopeful, all I feel is anxiety about it. Like, events, where I feel like I would drink. I picture going camping and how great it would be to sit around the fire drinking a beer, or going out with my wife and having wine with dinner, or going on vacation and sitting on the balcony with a drink...its hard to verbalize, it's like I feel a loss, or like mourning over what hasnt even happened...I guess it's just been so long since I didnt drink daily, and even longer since I drank with a modicum amount of control, I just cant picture doing things without booze, or doing things without feeling like it would be better with alcohol.

I'm doing my best to just focus on the now. my brain just keeps flipping over to this feeling of loss...I dont know if I'm really describing the feeling accurately...

Its terrifies me, that it hasnt even been 24 hours since my last drink, the drink that made me feel awful, and depressed and ashamed and I'm already some how glamorizing it in my head. My mind tells me, "yeah it'll be great, you have 1 or 2 and then you just chill and enjoy yourself". I KNOW with every stitch of my body it's a lie, but I can't shake the feeling.

All I know is I'm freaking scared that this feeling will never go away. I so don't want to drink, but how do I not when I have this really convincing lie in my head that never shuts up...

dwtbd

That lie, that voice only has one purpose, to get more booze, Its precious stuff, its life's blood. Stop feeding it.
If you starve it of Its precious it will weaken, It won't go quietly into that good night,tonight, but it will weaken. It's loud right now because being loud works for Its purposes. Don't let it.The only thing that will happen is you not drinking, It will be pissed, too bad for it.

ciowa

Offcourse,
Its normal for to feel the anxiety you are feeling. If you've been drinking for a long time, its likely your body will need more than a few days to return to its normal state. In the meanwhile, you are likely physically craving alcohol and will need to overcome those cravings. If you have anxiety, stress, depression that led you to drinking in the first place, those are things you are going to have to deal with in recovery. Alcohol just makes those things worse, even if there is temporary relief when taking those first few drinks

The thing about having an addiction with alcohol is that simply having one or two drinks won't stop the cravings. It will rekindle the craving for more and soon those 2 drinks turn into 10 or more. Once you take that first drink, your body usually ramps up its reaction in anticipation of more alcohol and in turn, you feel the need to drink even more to balance that. You likely feel worse from drinking only one beer/shot than if you had drank nothing at all when your body has reached that point.

Something else about alcohol is that it does provide a short term benefit and thats why a lot of people can't stop. But the long term consequences are more devastating than that 1 hour relief. That one hour of stress relief turns into several hours of drinking that leave you sick and devastated. People on here may tell you to "play the tape forward" and what they are suggesting is for you to make an honest assessment of where that first drink will lead you.

In recovery, I had to reconnect with those things that made life enjoyable without alcohol I found ways of dealing with stress and anger so that I did not have to use alcohol as a bad solution which ultimately made all of those feelings worse for me and damaged my relationships with family and friends. It sometimes seems hard to even imagine a life without a drink but I had to give a lot of thought to what it was about things like social gatherings, concerts and stuff that attracted me. In the end, it wasn't the alcohol itself but other things that really moved me to enjoy life. In my drinking life, I tried to cope with my emotions by suppressing them and only allowed myself to experience them when drinking and I had to learn how to flip that script and its been worth it.

Hevyn

I agree, OffCourse - it is normal to feel anxiety about giving up something that was a huge part of your life. I remember thinking of it as a loss too. I was very sorry for myself - very resentful that despite all my best efforts I couldn't just have one or two. But I'd proven to myself many times that I was never able to predict what might happen once it was in my system. The first drink would always weaken my resolve. I tried every trick to try & make myself into a social drinker. One night I bought a bottle of wine to take home. I told myself once it was gone, that was it - I'd go to bed and feel ok the next day without getting completely wasted. When the bottle was gone I didn't hesitate to grab my keys & head up to the liquor store for more. All my determination was out the window. That's how powerful it is. The only way for me to stay safe was to never touch the stuff. I promise you won't feel this wounded & broken forever - you'll grow strong and healthy - the feeling of loss will be replaced by gratitude & contentment.

MaximusD

Offcourse, everything you are doing is fine. Relapsing and coming here is fine. As long as you are here you are fine. Some come while drinking and as long as they follow the forum rules and don't promote drinking and want to stop it is fine. How are you? Expect some failure at first. Also, if you are on this website you are going to have to probably tell your wife. Might make it worse her thinking you are cheating.

I had a very similar experience with my wife, she had caught me several times in the act and I have broken down and told her everything a few times. If you tell her everything and have a plan in place and make it clear to her you want to change and stay with her I think, or would hope she would support you. I am going to PM you as well.

Dee74

Don't fall into the trap that day one is the best it gets OffCourse.
It does get better.

It's completely natural to think about drinking - drinking was a major part of our lives - but that will fade with a little time effort and growth

Obladi

Those thoughts that make you worry you will always feel this way? That's your addiction, too. See? Everything that tells you that you must keep drinking or can't risk doing something about it - all of that stuff is your addiction talking. Once you are able to internalize that understanding, you will find that it's not so scary after all. It's just your addiction all full of bluster and bravado. It's like a blowfish - getting all puffy to try to make itself look scary when really it's ridiculous.

It will most assuredly not always be like it is today or like it was yesterday.

It's hard to ignore all of that nonsense. The key is not to ignore it and not to fight it - it's to recognize it for what it is. Realize that's what it is and then disregard. For some people, that's enough. It's not easy, but it's enough. For me, I needed to go beyond that to figure out what was going on under the hood. But to do that, I had to first decide not to drink no matter what.

I can't overstate the value of knowing someone you can call that completely understands what you're going through. Can you get to a meeting tonight? People are happy to give their numbers if you just say "I'm new here and could use some numbers."

You don't really need to find the perfect words to express how much you hate drinking and how much you want to stop drinking. We get it. Keep on posting.

O

ballachiot

I think you have to tell your wife. She might not be too happy about what you've done/covered up in the past but if she thinks the future is going to be better then she'll probably be very supportive and you're going to need that.
What you want to do isn't impossible, but you have to go through a bit of **** to get to the good stuff and when you do you'll never look back.

Good luck!

Dave

biminiblue

How did yesterday go, OC?

If you drank, come back and talk about it. That, "Why do I do that?" thing is as old as humankind. Read Romans 7:15 in the Bible. There is also a similar description in Alcoholics Anonymous. It's just craziness, yeah? Duality. Dissonance. It's made worse by the fact that there is actual brain damage caused by alcohol.


Keep reading that post #53 above that Obladi posted.

I hope you stay with us. We stand with you in your battle.

If you're thinking it, we all have too.


You can quit. Believe that.

fini

" I picture going camping and how great it would be to sit around the fire drinking a beer, or going out with my wife and having wine with dinner, or going on vacation and sitting on the balcony with a drink...its hard to verbalize, it's like I feel a loss, or like mourning over what hasnt even happened...I guess it's just been so long since I didnt drink daily, and even longer since I drank with a modicum amount of control, I just cant picture doing things without booze, or doing things without feeling like it would be better with alcohol."

you are picturing what a "normal" drinker would do: that "a beer...wine with dinner.....balcony with a drink".
this is NOT what you'd be doing. so the loss you're speaking of, the one you're mourning, the ideations you are not letting go of: they are not the real stuff, not the reality of your drinking. you are talking about the loss of something you don't actually have as your experience.
the only loss i had when i quit drinking was the loss of the quick run-away. and i wanted to lose that.

one of the things i deliberately and actively did during my first little while sober was to put new pictures in my head of future events: the soda with lime over ice on the hot afternoon, the beautiful mug i'd buy to have the great real hot chocolate in on a winter's night, the hanging out with friends with spiced hot apple juice, stirring it with cinnamon sticks.
irrelevant if i ended up doing those things(though i do love buying a nice mug or three), but changing the pictures in my head gave me a view of a satisfying sober future that i could make happen.

Obladi

Look at this team you have created, all to support you.
That comes from being honest and raw and having a sincere desire. I hope it feels good, or at least bolstering.

I've never been good at visualization like fini seems to be, but I am learning very slowly through my mediation practice that it can be done if I'm really still and can quiet my mind. That probably doesn't even last a minute, but even that minute is worth it. What I am good at is reminiscing about the way it used to be. You know, like happy childhood memories of camping and of Christmas. There was no alcohol in me during those happy times. I do remember the times, too, when drinking was pleasant. But when I'm honest about it, I have many less of those times to remember than I do the times when I was sneaking around, lying to people who care about me, blacking out, driving when I should not have been, acting like a miserable sack of crap, and just plain embarrassing myself. Would I like to be a person who just has those pleasant times? Of course! Given my history, is it within the realm of possibility to go back there? Of course not. I can no more regain that way of drinking than I can regain the wonder of those Christmases before all of the bad things started happening. It's sad, but true. Clinging to something we can't ever have only serves to make us more miserable.

How are you today, OC?

O

MaximusD

Great last couple of posts. Fini, I am loving the picture you created. Nothing to add, just checking on you. I sent you a PM yesterday.

OffCourse

Hey everyone, sorry for not getting back sooner. Been pretty morose and very blah. I didn't drink though. I am struggling a bit right now, sitting in the car waiting for my son to get out of therapy, and all I could think about was picking up some beer on the way home, so I came here and starting reading. Made me feel a little better, you all are very awesome taking so much time and energy to help out a total stranger. I really don't want to drunk, but man can my head convince me that I do...

I'm trying...🤕

MaximusD

The key is to never stop trying. It will get easier and I realize how all of this sounds to you now but realize it is coming from those of us who have done this before. I hope you read my PM.