Ready for a change...my first time here.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Good! You can go the rest of today without a drink.
My whiny brain told me, "I NEED IT - to calm down, to relax, to sleep, to be happy, to forget, to shut up my thinking," It will lie all day long to get me to take that first drink. It will try to convince me that I am different, I really need it - not like all these other people who can't possibly understand...
It's only that first drink I need to stay away from, a day at a time. I can do that!
My whiny brain told me, "I NEED IT - to calm down, to relax, to sleep, to be happy, to forget, to shut up my thinking," It will lie all day long to get me to take that first drink. It will try to convince me that I am different, I really need it - not like all these other people who can't possibly understand...
It's only that first drink I need to stay away from, a day at a time. I can do that!
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
Here's a real world example of how do-able this is.
I know a guy sitting in a doctor's office not going through a 6er, that guy can sit anywhere at anytime doing just that, not going through a 6er, no matter what some lying **** is barking in his ear.
I know a guy sitting in a doctor's office not going through a 6er, that guy can sit anywhere at anytime doing just that, not going through a 6er, no matter what some lying **** is barking in his ear.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
OffCourse - Feeling morose and blah is part of getting free of it. At least for me - I didn't feel joyful in the early days. I was grateful to have made the decision to kick it out of my life, but it was a while before happiness began to appear. 
It will happen though.
It will happen though.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 24
So I'm going to stop blowing smoke up your asses... I'm obviously not ready to stop drinking, ...i'm wasting my time, and more importantly yours... you seem like an awful awesome lot, you really could be spending your time on a more ready person. I don't have much else to add to it...I'm not ready...you guys are wasting time and energy that can be put to someone more ready and more deserving.
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
Nobody here is undeserving , actually no one anywhere is inherently undeserving.
YOU get to choose your readiness, you’re addiction is the one professing your level of readiness, you do have the power to shut it down, that is why It is convincing You otherwise.
Rootin for ya
YOU get to choose your readiness, you’re addiction is the one professing your level of readiness, you do have the power to shut it down, that is why It is convincing You otherwise.
Rootin for ya
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by OffCourse 
I don't have much else to add to it...I'm not ready...you guys are wasting time and energy that can be put to someone more ready and more deserving.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
OC, I hope you'll keep reading around the site. I believe you do want to be free of it, or you would not have posted here.
This thing wants to kill you and there's no way to know on which day it will succeed. I hope you make a different decision while you still can. It is progressive and it will get worse.
We'll leave a light on.
This thing wants to kill you and there's no way to know on which day it will succeed. I hope you make a different decision while you still can. It is progressive and it will get worse.
We'll leave a light on.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
OC,
I'm not going to change your mind - you are going to do what you're going to do. Just realize that you are the one making the decision here. But "you" are being a slave to your addiction and you are not powerless. Once that first drink is in you, you may feel like you have no control and I get that - same here. But before you actually ingest that alcohol, you are still in control.
So if you need to drink tonight, I completely understand that, and I'm sorry. It's a sucky place to be in, but I get it. Just don't let that keep you from coming back. There is absolutely no reason for you to give us the brush off - we're pretty good guys that hang out here to help people who are just where we have been.
O
I'm not going to change your mind - you are going to do what you're going to do. Just realize that you are the one making the decision here. But "you" are being a slave to your addiction and you are not powerless. Once that first drink is in you, you may feel like you have no control and I get that - same here. But before you actually ingest that alcohol, you are still in control.
So if you need to drink tonight, I completely understand that, and I'm sorry. It's a sucky place to be in, but I get it. Just don't let that keep you from coming back. There is absolutely no reason for you to give us the brush off - we're pretty good guys that hang out here to help people who are just where we have been.
O
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 24
So...when does this epiphany happen. Bill didn't do anything..."salvation" literally called him in the phone and he had an instant fix...what do I need for this instant fix that seem to take him over...? Am I not give enough yet?...not been the enough yet?...not ready enough yet?...I'll swear to whoever, I'll make and drink whatever bathtub booze I need to...****.
I can't stop. I wanted to so bad...I had a sheet of paper...lol... what a joke...
I can't stop. I wanted to so bad...I had a sheet of paper...lol... what a joke...
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
In the end, I finally realized it never made me anything but miserable. The fun times were never coming back. I'd been drinking so long and so hard that I was dependent on it. I wasn't using it to enhance a good time - I needed it to get through the day. It was a horrible and unsustainable way to live. OC, I believe you're getting ready to stop it's progression. You know what needs to happen - and when you're ready, you'll do it. You haven't wasted anyone's time. We were all new here once, shaky and scared of letting go. You're among friends.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Bill was quite the story teller. We mere mortals have to do the work. I know what a shock it is to realize how hard this is, but you CAN do it.
Get to a meeting, man. You'll find people there who know this desperation. I think maybe putting a face on "us" could really help.
You are not alone.
Get to a meeting, man. You'll find people there who know this desperation. I think maybe putting a face on "us" could really help.
You are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 259
OC, id save this thread and come back to it if you feel like you are ready to make the next step. Just acknowledging you have a problem is a big step. Taking action is another step and a lot of people will linger there. Some will choose to keep drinking and others will eventually decide to take the action to stop. Here's hoping the best for you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hey OffCourse
I drank hard for 20 years...I obsessed over my next drink...that level of obsession takes time to break, or it did for me.
IMO, none of us here are superheroes - we're just ordinary people - the thing that binds us together is that drinking (and sometimes drugging) destroyed our souls, and sometimes lives.
I'm a terrible drinker. My life's never been better since I quit.
I wish I'd not given 20 years to trying to drink as much as I wanted (a ridiculous amount) and not suffer bad consequences.
Its ok to be scared but I think it's not good if you let that fear stop you from trying to change.
If your life was that ok with drinking, why is your name here 'OffCourse'?
Get back on course. You;re in the drivers seat not your addiction.
You're ready when you decide to be
D
I drank hard for 20 years...I obsessed over my next drink...that level of obsession takes time to break, or it did for me.
IMO, none of us here are superheroes - we're just ordinary people - the thing that binds us together is that drinking (and sometimes drugging) destroyed our souls, and sometimes lives.
I'm a terrible drinker. My life's never been better since I quit.
I wish I'd not given 20 years to trying to drink as much as I wanted (a ridiculous amount) and not suffer bad consequences.
Its ok to be scared but I think it's not good if you let that fear stop you from trying to change.
If your life was that ok with drinking, why is your name here 'OffCourse'?
Get back on course. You;re in the drivers seat not your addiction.
You're ready when you decide to be
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 24
Im sorry... not becuase I drank...I mean am...but not for that... I was douche to you guys...that's one of my things when I drink...speak first think later...and usually I'm a great ***** when my mind is in that mode...quick with a come back and absolutely zero follow through... not much different than my resolve it would seem...
...I'm literally here typing this on my phone with a one month old on my chest and a 3 year old on my arm... pretty good tools to bring me back down to reality...
So thought I should talk before wife comes in the room from putting special needs baby to bed....
I really did have a sheet of paper...I really did come here when I was craving, hoping for an out...I really thought i had the resolve....I past store after store...I had just one left brute l before home... turned in s bought a 12 pack like I hadnt ever considered not... thought about it for a sec on the 2 min drive the rest of the way, but somehow just brushed it off...I drank 2 in the driveway before getting my 2 kids with me out of their car seats...I actually felt good... like I was totally an idiot and an over exaggerator for thinking I needed to stop...
I didn't start getting... concerned?... until I had drank 11 in 2 hours...I finished the last and started in on some white wine that my wife and her mom drink when she comes over...I finished 3/4 of that bottle before I started posting...
I just don't have the will power or resolve or faith... to do it....I was in the shower before going to bed and came to understand this might be it ... I may not have what it takes... ...i'm that typical guy that peaked in my early 20s, my best had come and gone, this is it... this is what I am.
It's super depressing, but I really am, to the depths of my being, starting to believe this is it... the lies... the feeling like ****.... the drinking... is just my world. The world I built for myself...
... again, sorry for acting like such a *****... guess if i stick around long enough you'll see that's my m.o.
I am appreciative though, for all your kind words, they do touch home... some especially...
...I'm literally here typing this on my phone with a one month old on my chest and a 3 year old on my arm... pretty good tools to bring me back down to reality...
So thought I should talk before wife comes in the room from putting special needs baby to bed....
I really did have a sheet of paper...I really did come here when I was craving, hoping for an out...I really thought i had the resolve....I past store after store...I had just one left brute l before home... turned in s bought a 12 pack like I hadnt ever considered not... thought about it for a sec on the 2 min drive the rest of the way, but somehow just brushed it off...I drank 2 in the driveway before getting my 2 kids with me out of their car seats...I actually felt good... like I was totally an idiot and an over exaggerator for thinking I needed to stop...
I didn't start getting... concerned?... until I had drank 11 in 2 hours...I finished the last and started in on some white wine that my wife and her mom drink when she comes over...I finished 3/4 of that bottle before I started posting...
I just don't have the will power or resolve or faith... to do it....I was in the shower before going to bed and came to understand this might be it ... I may not have what it takes... ...i'm that typical guy that peaked in my early 20s, my best had come and gone, this is it... this is what I am.
It's super depressing, but I really am, to the depths of my being, starting to believe this is it... the lies... the feeling like ****.... the drinking... is just my world. The world I built for myself...
... again, sorry for acting like such a *****... guess if i stick around long enough you'll see that's my m.o.
I am appreciative though, for all your kind words, they do touch home... some especially...
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Many of us faltered a time or two OffCourse.
Nothing you said gave offence to me and I doubt it did to anyone else either.
Drinking again doesn't mean you should quit trying, it just means maybe you need to try another approach - more changes to your life, more support to call on maybe?
I don't think you're as much of a jerk as you think you are right now.
Beating ourselves up is part of this whole thing.
You sound like an ordinary decent guy with a problem...one of us
I built a world too. I changed that world.
You can beat this. I really hope you keep trying
D
Nothing you said gave offence to me and I doubt it did to anyone else either.
Drinking again doesn't mean you should quit trying, it just means maybe you need to try another approach - more changes to your life, more support to call on maybe?
I don't think you're as much of a jerk as you think you are right now.
Beating ourselves up is part of this whole thing.
You sound like an ordinary decent guy with a problem...one of us
I built a world too. I changed that world.
You can beat this. I really hope you keep trying
D
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
“It's super depressing, but I really am, to the depths of my being, starting to believe this is it... the lies... the feeling like ****.... the drinking... is just my world. The world I built for myself...”
yes. yes, it is. depressing. and the world you built for yourself. or slid into, more likely.
thing is, you can build yourself a different one. and yeah, you want to, and you don’t want to. it’s “normal”, as far as i know, to be ambivalent, in the moment. and/or to vacillate between desperately wanting to quit and desperately wanting anything but quit.
epiphany? i don’t know. i did have a moment of absolute clarity where i understood to my depth that what i had to bring to myself, others, the world, was a drunk.
that was it.
all the other stuff i was (parent, friend, worker, community member...) was overruled by the drunk. i understood and accepted that the way i drank would never and could never be those pictures you painted, of a drink on a balcony, or a wine with dinner or a beer after mowing the lawn.
i am not that person.
i finally got it.
in a different way.
after that, the work. the work that included daily sobriety stuff. included putting new pictures in my head. included going to meetings. included doing stuff i didn’t think i could ever do.
blahblahblah.
you decide when you’re “ready”, and you decide what actions you are willing to put behind that decision. willingness is key, and i struggled with that plenty, over many years of repeated returns to drinking. many of us do/did. if you’re willing to do what it takes, you will find what that is for you.
if you’re not willing, that is okay. be honest about it, and know that support is available.
yes. yes, it is. depressing. and the world you built for yourself. or slid into, more likely.
thing is, you can build yourself a different one. and yeah, you want to, and you don’t want to. it’s “normal”, as far as i know, to be ambivalent, in the moment. and/or to vacillate between desperately wanting to quit and desperately wanting anything but quit.
epiphany? i don’t know. i did have a moment of absolute clarity where i understood to my depth that what i had to bring to myself, others, the world, was a drunk.
that was it.
all the other stuff i was (parent, friend, worker, community member...) was overruled by the drunk. i understood and accepted that the way i drank would never and could never be those pictures you painted, of a drink on a balcony, or a wine with dinner or a beer after mowing the lawn.
i am not that person.
i finally got it.
in a different way.
after that, the work. the work that included daily sobriety stuff. included putting new pictures in my head. included going to meetings. included doing stuff i didn’t think i could ever do.
blahblahblah.
you decide when you’re “ready”, and you decide what actions you are willing to put behind that decision. willingness is key, and i struggled with that plenty, over many years of repeated returns to drinking. many of us do/did. if you’re willing to do what it takes, you will find what that is for you.
if you’re not willing, that is okay. be honest about it, and know that support is available.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Good morning, OC.
How's the head?
Like fini, I had a Moment.
I rolled out of bed after too many drinks, and I landed on my knees. A familiar and good place for a drunk...but this time I cried out, "Help me!" and that day I joined this site. A few days later I went to an AA meeting. That was six and a half years ago and I haven't had a drink since.
The beginning part was rough, but I needed that to remind me what I had to look forward to should I ever drink again.
How's the head?
Like fini, I had a Moment.
I rolled out of bed after too many drinks, and I landed on my knees. A familiar and good place for a drunk...but this time I cried out, "Help me!" and that day I joined this site. A few days later I went to an AA meeting. That was six and a half years ago and I haven't had a drink since.
The beginning part was rough, but I needed that to remind me what I had to look forward to should I ever drink again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 24
Hey Binini...head's ok... emotions everywhere though... just can't seem to get it together. I've gotten knees and begged before, told whoever or whatever is out there I need help... I don't get any answers though... I've never believed in anything, ...so it doesn't surprise me when I don't find anything, even if Im ooking...I've always wished I could have faith in something like some people do, I've just never been able to...I'm envious of people who can talk about God, or their higher power, and truly believe it, I feel like that must be real nice to feel something like that...maybe I'm just a cynic.
I haven't been able to find it yet... maybe "it" wil find me one day.
...so I've just been sitting here reading different posts and trying to come up with a new game plan, becuase what I've been doing obviously isn't working...I just am so lost. How in the world did I allow this to happen...I wasnt some kid who didn't know better, I was well into my 30s when I started letting this monster really claw into me...I just....uuuhhhhh. Brain's all over the place again, hard to stay on topic and get the right words out of my brain hole.
I haven't been able to find it yet... maybe "it" wil find me one day.
...so I've just been sitting here reading different posts and trying to come up with a new game plan, becuase what I've been doing obviously isn't working...I just am so lost. How in the world did I allow this to happen...I wasnt some kid who didn't know better, I was well into my 30s when I started letting this monster really claw into me...I just....uuuhhhhh. Brain's all over the place again, hard to stay on topic and get the right words out of my brain hole.
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