Up and down
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,283
Up and down
I’m one of those posters who hasn’t had the easiest ride. Not that any of us have. I’m at 453 days sober. I think I felt my strongest when I had a goal of 365 days. Just make 365 days. I’ve been off since then. Just really off. Up and down and up and down. It’s so disappointing. I remember at one point when I was so relieved to be sober and I was so relieved to be relieved about it. It was like a breath of fresh air after 20 years of toxic fumes. A weight off my chest.
I feel like I’ve been white knuckling for the past month and I don’t know how much longer I can do it. I’m just not in a good and healthy mind frame in regard to this drinking thing. In the past two weeks I have fantasized about it so much, I can practically taste it. I was a half a second away from going to pick up a bottle of wine last night. I actually stood up to get my keys and wallet and got myself all the way to the door. I’m 75% frightened for myself and for 25% excited. Like,“ yay!, Now I get to be or of the lucky ones who gets to drink“. That is SCREWED up. I want to go back to feeling such pure relief and joy at being sober. I want to be 100% frightened for myself that I’m feeling so shaky.
I’m not sure how to flip the switch. Flip my mindset to feel like it has felt at stronger times. You know how you can’t control the drinks after the first drink, but you supposedly can control the first drink? I feel like by fantasizing about it so much I’ve been so close to the first drink that I’ve basically already taken it, so I might as well start drinking. I don’t know if that makes any sense.
i’ve gone through everything on my list. I’ve worked out, read inspirational sobriety quotes, I’ve been reading on here more often, still see my therapist, etc. I will really take any desperately needed advice. I’m embarrassed to be posting here right now. I feel like so many of you are thinking Jesus Christ it’s Sohard again. She’ll never get this. I really am trying though. I just figured if I didn’t post and drank, then I would kick myself even harder. I mean I have to try everything.
that even sounds like I’m going to drink. “I have to try everything before I fail so I can say I’ve tried everything before I failed…” Damn it!
I feel like I’ve been white knuckling for the past month and I don’t know how much longer I can do it. I’m just not in a good and healthy mind frame in regard to this drinking thing. In the past two weeks I have fantasized about it so much, I can practically taste it. I was a half a second away from going to pick up a bottle of wine last night. I actually stood up to get my keys and wallet and got myself all the way to the door. I’m 75% frightened for myself and for 25% excited. Like,“ yay!, Now I get to be or of the lucky ones who gets to drink“. That is SCREWED up. I want to go back to feeling such pure relief and joy at being sober. I want to be 100% frightened for myself that I’m feeling so shaky.
I’m not sure how to flip the switch. Flip my mindset to feel like it has felt at stronger times. You know how you can’t control the drinks after the first drink, but you supposedly can control the first drink? I feel like by fantasizing about it so much I’ve been so close to the first drink that I’ve basically already taken it, so I might as well start drinking. I don’t know if that makes any sense.
i’ve gone through everything on my list. I’ve worked out, read inspirational sobriety quotes, I’ve been reading on here more often, still see my therapist, etc. I will really take any desperately needed advice. I’m embarrassed to be posting here right now. I feel like so many of you are thinking Jesus Christ it’s Sohard again. She’ll never get this. I really am trying though. I just figured if I didn’t post and drank, then I would kick myself even harder. I mean I have to try everything.
that even sounds like I’m going to drink. “I have to try everything before I fail so I can say I’ve tried everything before I failed…” Damn it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,283
Originally Posted by Sohard 
I’m one of those posters who hasn’t had the easiest ride. Not that any of us have. I’m at 453 days sober. I think I felt my strongest when I had a goal of 365 days. Just make 365 days. I’ve been off since then. Just really off. Up and down and up and down. It’s so disappointing. I remember at one point when I was so relieved to be sober and I was so relieved to be relieved about it. It was like a breath of fresh air after 20 years of toxic fumes. A weight off my chest.
I feel like I’ve been white knuckling for the past month and I don’t know how much longer I can do it. I’m just not in a good and healthy mind frame in regard to this drinking thing. In the past two weeks I have fantasized about it so much, I can practically taste it. I was a half a second away from going to pick up a bottle of wine last night. I actually stood up to get my keys and wallet and got myself all the way to the door. I’m 75% frightened for myself and for 25% excited. Like,“ yay!, Now I get to be or of the lucky ones who gets to drink“. That is SCREWED up. I want to go back to feeling such pure relief and joy at being sober. I want to be 100% frightened for myself that I’m feeling so shaky.
I’m not sure how to flip the switch. Flip my mindset to feel like it has felt at stronger times. You know how you can’t control the drinks after the first drink, but you supposedly can control the first drink? I feel like by fantasizing about it so much I’ve been so close to the first drink that I’ve basically already taken it, so I might as well start drinking. I don’t know if that makes any sense.
i’ve gone through everything on my list. I’ve worked out, read inspirational sobriety quotes, I’ve been reading on here more often, still see my therapist, etc. I will really take any desperately needed advice. I’m embarrassed to be posting here right now. I feel like so many of you are thinking Jesus Christ it’s Sohard again. She’ll never get this. I really am trying though. I just figured if I didn’t post and drank, then I would kick myself even harder. I mean I have to try everything.
that even sounds like I’m going to drink. “I have to try everything before I fail so I can say I’ve tried everything before I failed…” Damn it!
I feel like I’ve been white knuckling for the past month and I don’t know how much longer I can do it. I’m just not in a good and healthy mind frame in regard to this drinking thing. In the past two weeks I have fantasized about it so much, I can practically taste it. I was a half a second away from going to pick up a bottle of wine last night. I actually stood up to get my keys and wallet and got myself all the way to the door. I’m 75% frightened for myself and for 25% excited. Like,“ yay!, Now I get to be or of the lucky ones who gets to drink“. That is SCREWED up. I want to go back to feeling such pure relief and joy at being sober. I want to be 100% frightened for myself that I’m feeling so shaky.
I’m not sure how to flip the switch. Flip my mindset to feel like it has felt at stronger times. You know how you can’t control the drinks after the first drink, but you supposedly can control the first drink? I feel like by fantasizing about it so much I’ve been so close to the first drink that I’ve basically already taken it, so I might as well start drinking. I don’t know if that makes any sense.
i’ve gone through everything on my list. I’ve worked out, read inspirational sobriety quotes, I’ve been reading on here more often, still see my therapist, etc. I will really take any desperately needed advice. I’m embarrassed to be posting here right now. I feel like so many of you are thinking Jesus Christ it’s Sohard again. She’ll never get this. I really am trying though. I just figured if I didn’t post and drank, then I would kick myself even harder. I mean I have to try everything.
that even sounds like I’m going to drink. “I have to try everything before I fail so I can say I’ve tried everything before I failed…” Damn it!
I also don’t like that I’m thinking this way at 8 AM. It’s not even my danger zone hours of when the sun is setting. And I don’t like that I’m already forgiving myself, thinking things like “what if I fail, you’ve done really great up to this point… Don’t kick yourself…”
it’s not good!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Hey lady,
Great that you posted before you drank, which I think shows that deep down your survival instinct is still working and knows that this would be a bad idea. Like a super dupper bad idea. But you know that.
I know it too, but after more than 5 years I have been having similar thoughts. So you are not alone. Know that.
For me, I think its becuase I am bored and feel like I have nothing to look forward to. Sorta like, what is the point anyway??
Nowhere to go, nothing to do, in the beginning it was interesting to do less, think more, catch up with life, but now its just plain boring. And for me, even after all these years and all I "know" -- somewhere deep down inside, drinking remains the antidote for being bored. So there, I said it. Out loud. Sounds childish even to my ears, but it is the way I feel.
But I will not drink because it is a one second of relief followed by 100% guaranteed remorse, shame, regret, you name it.
And for me at least being honest about the fact that on some level I do want to drink is a good thing. To admit that I am tempted allows me to avoid the temptation.
Lets make a deal, just the two of us, no drinking. No matter what. I will if you will...
XX
Great that you posted before you drank, which I think shows that deep down your survival instinct is still working and knows that this would be a bad idea. Like a super dupper bad idea. But you know that.
I know it too, but after more than 5 years I have been having similar thoughts. So you are not alone. Know that.
For me, I think its becuase I am bored and feel like I have nothing to look forward to. Sorta like, what is the point anyway??
Nowhere to go, nothing to do, in the beginning it was interesting to do less, think more, catch up with life, but now its just plain boring. And for me, even after all these years and all I "know" -- somewhere deep down inside, drinking remains the antidote for being bored. So there, I said it. Out loud. Sounds childish even to my ears, but it is the way I feel.
But I will not drink because it is a one second of relief followed by 100% guaranteed remorse, shame, regret, you name it.
And for me at least being honest about the fact that on some level I do want to drink is a good thing. To admit that I am tempted allows me to avoid the temptation.
Lets make a deal, just the two of us, no drinking. No matter what. I will if you will...
XX
All is Change
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,284
A funny thing about abstinence from something one is addicted to is that the causes driving the addiction, craving, assert themselves because of that abstinence.
I use the following analogy: Think of the process of fasting or dieting. When fat cells are burned up, impurities stored in the cells are released into the blood stream. They have to be processed and the result experienced.
If the abstinence from overeating is abandoned and the cravings succumbed to, the storing of impurities is resumed. If experiencing the impurities is tolerated there will come a time when they have been successfully expelled from the body.
In the same way, the mind-fast of abstaining from giving in to cravings there can be a flood of stored up cravings, mind impurities, and its possible that tis is what you are experiencing.
In other words, it may be that there is nothing wrong. On the contrary, everything is peachy. It's a good cleansing process.
If so it's necessary to not identify with the cravings. Instead of thinking, saying, acting out 'I am craving' start thinking, saying, acting out 'the phenomenon of craving has arisen. I know, from experience, that it is temporary. And now, as I note its arising, I note its passing'. That is the nature of it. It's just a byproduct of the abstinence.
In time, as I train myself to let go of the cravings, they pass. I stop clinging to them when they arise. Instead I just remain aware of their coming, and going.
Meanwhile, I continue to do the practical, good things that are necessary to do.
I use the following analogy: Think of the process of fasting or dieting. When fat cells are burned up, impurities stored in the cells are released into the blood stream. They have to be processed and the result experienced.
If the abstinence from overeating is abandoned and the cravings succumbed to, the storing of impurities is resumed. If experiencing the impurities is tolerated there will come a time when they have been successfully expelled from the body.
In the same way, the mind-fast of abstaining from giving in to cravings there can be a flood of stored up cravings, mind impurities, and its possible that tis is what you are experiencing.
In other words, it may be that there is nothing wrong. On the contrary, everything is peachy. It's a good cleansing process.
If so it's necessary to not identify with the cravings. Instead of thinking, saying, acting out 'I am craving' start thinking, saying, acting out 'the phenomenon of craving has arisen. I know, from experience, that it is temporary. And now, as I note its arising, I note its passing'. That is the nature of it. It's just a byproduct of the abstinence.
In time, as I train myself to let go of the cravings, they pass. I stop clinging to them when they arise. Instead I just remain aware of their coming, and going.
Meanwhile, I continue to do the practical, good things that are necessary to do.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Well Sohard, ANY time you let the addiction gain a stronghold it spells trouble.
That doesn't mean it's impossible, just that you have to knock those thoughts back.
Go back to basics. Plan out every hour of the day today. Make a list.
Clean a closet
Scrub the tub
Organize something
Make a bag of stuff for the thrift store
Go through old paper and shred/throw away
Take a walk
Call a friend or family member who is isolated
Find a volunteer opportunity
Post in other peoples' threads
I find that I have to get out of my head. I'm at six years plus and this Covid thing has been a real challenge for my mental health. I'm focusing on letting things go these days. Breathing exercises. Basic. Not dwelling. Not judging my thoughts. Letting them come and go.
You are in control here. When the thoughts come, don't grab on to them.
That doesn't mean it's impossible, just that you have to knock those thoughts back.
Go back to basics. Plan out every hour of the day today. Make a list.
Clean a closet
Scrub the tub
Organize something
Make a bag of stuff for the thrift store
Go through old paper and shred/throw away
Take a walk
Call a friend or family member who is isolated
Find a volunteer opportunity
Post in other peoples' threads
I find that I have to get out of my head. I'm at six years plus and this Covid thing has been a real challenge for my mental health. I'm focusing on letting things go these days. Breathing exercises. Basic. Not dwelling. Not judging my thoughts. Letting them come and go.
You are in control here. When the thoughts come, don't grab on to them.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Don't think, don't drink and go to meetings. That was what
was drilled into my head day in and day out, especially in
early recovery.
All those cliques, saying, phrases that I was taught in rehab
and all the recovery meetings I attended through out the yrs
meant something.
For me to think that one day I would be able to sit down
with a cold glass of pretty red wine or some other poison
of my choice, then I was mistaken. For me, and alcoholic
in recovery who couldn't and never drank responsible or normal
as they say in my life, surely isnt gonna happen today, tomorrow
or ever.
That fact had to be accepted and nothing in this world is
gonna change it. Acceptance is the key to my success in
recovery and sobriety.
Once I accepted that I am an alcoholic and that my life
today has no room for poison then I was able to move forward
to the future. Putting my addiction to rest one day at a time,
incorporating some form of recovery plan or program that
I learned and continuously incorporate in all areas of my
life, then I began to achieve many of lifes blessing and gifts
that so many before me talked about.
Sure i see alcohol everywhere I go. Yes, it is there and yes
I know it isnt going away anytime soon. I also know that this
poison tried to take me out, destroying me, life, family.....
and I know through out my almost 30 yrs sober that it continues
to take folks out left and right.
Showing no mercy. Yep, alcohol is definitely alive and well.
However, for all those living a life in recovery, alcohol has
been replaced with healthier values and purposes in life.
You are on your recovery journey in life and yes there will
be ups and downs which I call growing pains. We all go thru
them. Good days, bad days, but nothing so terrible that I
would want to throw away what I am working so hard to
achieve in this life.
If one thing doesnt work then reach out to find out what
other folks are doing to achieve healthy, happiness and
honesty in life.
There are many folks here that have found a happy way
of life without alcohol or drugs. Continue to read and learn,
absorb and apply healthier tools and knowledge to help
you strengthen your recovery foundation to live upon each
day moving forward.
I learned quite a few prayers as a child growing up and
in recovery. The Serenity Prayer was one i continue to
say today and often because it is affective.
Faith in important in my life and I use that to draw on
when evil comes nocking on my door. Evil temptation
from alcohol.
Use the Bright light of your faith to destroy and block
the evil of addiction that comes your way.
Support, care and understanding sent your way.
was drilled into my head day in and day out, especially in
early recovery.
All those cliques, saying, phrases that I was taught in rehab
and all the recovery meetings I attended through out the yrs
meant something.
For me to think that one day I would be able to sit down
with a cold glass of pretty red wine or some other poison
of my choice, then I was mistaken. For me, and alcoholic
in recovery who couldn't and never drank responsible or normal
as they say in my life, surely isnt gonna happen today, tomorrow
or ever.
That fact had to be accepted and nothing in this world is
gonna change it. Acceptance is the key to my success in
recovery and sobriety.
Once I accepted that I am an alcoholic and that my life
today has no room for poison then I was able to move forward
to the future. Putting my addiction to rest one day at a time,
incorporating some form of recovery plan or program that
I learned and continuously incorporate in all areas of my
life, then I began to achieve many of lifes blessing and gifts
that so many before me talked about.
Sure i see alcohol everywhere I go. Yes, it is there and yes
I know it isnt going away anytime soon. I also know that this
poison tried to take me out, destroying me, life, family.....
and I know through out my almost 30 yrs sober that it continues
to take folks out left and right.
Showing no mercy. Yep, alcohol is definitely alive and well.
However, for all those living a life in recovery, alcohol has
been replaced with healthier values and purposes in life.
You are on your recovery journey in life and yes there will
be ups and downs which I call growing pains. We all go thru
them. Good days, bad days, but nothing so terrible that I
would want to throw away what I am working so hard to
achieve in this life.
If one thing doesnt work then reach out to find out what
other folks are doing to achieve healthy, happiness and
honesty in life.
There are many folks here that have found a happy way
of life without alcohol or drugs. Continue to read and learn,
absorb and apply healthier tools and knowledge to help
you strengthen your recovery foundation to live upon each
day moving forward.
I learned quite a few prayers as a child growing up and
in recovery. The Serenity Prayer was one i continue to
say today and often because it is affective.
Faith in important in my life and I use that to draw on
when evil comes nocking on my door. Evil temptation
from alcohol.
Use the Bright light of your faith to destroy and block
the evil of addiction that comes your way.
Support, care and understanding sent your way.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,513
SoHard, your recovery plan sounds great, but I wonder if you're doing fun things sometimes? Be proud of yourself for how you are hanging on during this tough period and be kind to yourself. You've come a long way.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 122
I know what you mean, I am at 600 days or so. I think it's the summer months that are making it hard for me. Everyone is having cookouts and going on vacations and I find myself missing drinking beer and "hanging out". I think about taking a vacation and maybe I can just drink then but I know better. I don't have an answer but it does help to come here and read posts from new folks struggling through the anxiety of early recovery. It reminds me of how bad it was and how much I don't want to go back there.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Los Angeles, Ca
Posts: 535
"I feel like I’ve been white knuckling for the past month and I don’t know how much longer I can do it."
All choices are made in the pursuit of happiness and avoidance of pain. All choices should be in pursuit of our values, what gives us meaning and purpose in life! When our actions have real value and purpose for us, there is genuine meaning, there is no white knuckling. All human behavior is driven (motivated) by the pursuit of happiness (reward) and that, when you choose to do something, you do so because you see it as your best available option for happiness, at a given point in time. This concept is vitally important because the only way you will stop desiring heavy substances and change your behavior is by seeing more happiness (value) in the change than in the using. You must reach that conclusion yourself because, as Aristotle said, “We desire in accordance with our deliberation.” (This is also called s the BBO principle of Biggest Best Offer) This is simply reward based learning. BBO is the best reward!
2 Corinthians 5: 17 if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new (Replaced). You no longer act with old substitute displaced behaviors but instead replaced the old, with new direct Christ Driven Behavior, that honors God! You have replaced the old with the new! No rocket science here, just scripture and behavior science.
All choices are made in the pursuit of happiness and avoidance of pain. All choices should be in pursuit of our values, what gives us meaning and purpose in life! When our actions have real value and purpose for us, there is genuine meaning, there is no white knuckling. All human behavior is driven (motivated) by the pursuit of happiness (reward) and that, when you choose to do something, you do so because you see it as your best available option for happiness, at a given point in time. This concept is vitally important because the only way you will stop desiring heavy substances and change your behavior is by seeing more happiness (value) in the change than in the using. You must reach that conclusion yourself because, as Aristotle said, “We desire in accordance with our deliberation.” (This is also called s the BBO principle of Biggest Best Offer) This is simply reward based learning. BBO is the best reward!
2 Corinthians 5: 17 if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new (Replaced). You no longer act with old substitute displaced behaviors but instead replaced the old, with new direct Christ Driven Behavior, that honors God! You have replaced the old with the new! No rocket science here, just scripture and behavior science.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
When I found myself white knuckling it, it was because somewhere in the deepest recesses of my brain, I still viewed alcohol as a reward or release. If that was truly the case, why would I ever wind up here of all places. It was a simple truth that eluded me for years... alcohol was never a reward and it never released its grip on me... I had to use a simple truth to sever the tie and to be released from bondage.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Sohard,
you set yourself that timed goal and reached it.
makes perfect sense to me that after you reached it, there is a "goal-less" drifting and renewed preoccupation and fired up urgency happening.
one option is to set a new goal: for-good sobriety. forever. and then put in the footwork to be on THAT track. as you know from being here, there are various ways to do that.
for me, when i wanted and needed the forever sobriety, the door to any considerations of will i/won't i was slammed shut, and that was part of the difference.
you set yourself that timed goal and reached it.
makes perfect sense to me that after you reached it, there is a "goal-less" drifting and renewed preoccupation and fired up urgency happening.
one option is to set a new goal: for-good sobriety. forever. and then put in the footwork to be on THAT track. as you know from being here, there are various ways to do that.
for me, when i wanted and needed the forever sobriety, the door to any considerations of will i/won't i was slammed shut, and that was part of the difference.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
How you doing SH?
Wonderful posts here.
I can relate to what Fini mentions, once I took the decision to never drink again and to never quit the decision (never ever no matter what) my AV got all hot and bothered, especially about the "never quit the decision."
But I cannot say that it has stopped my AV from giving it a go lately, but it has stopped me from acting on it.
Its weird, but for me it helps that I have taken the decision, past tense. Decision made, cannot be unmade kind of thing.
I always think of you because of your name and my tag line -- it is sometimes "sohard," but luckily "we can do hard things.."
XX
Wonderful posts here.
I can relate to what Fini mentions, once I took the decision to never drink again and to never quit the decision (never ever no matter what) my AV got all hot and bothered, especially about the "never quit the decision."
But I cannot say that it has stopped my AV from giving it a go lately, but it has stopped me from acting on it.
Its weird, but for me it helps that I have taken the decision, past tense. Decision made, cannot be unmade kind of thing.
I always think of you because of your name and my tag line -- it is sometimes "sohard," but luckily "we can do hard things.."
XX
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
Yeah how are You doing Sohard?
I can see your AV is doing pretty good, It has You speaking for It. It closed the separation gap. It makes it sound like your plan is stop for awhile, is that Your Plan ?
Not a great plan if true. Just sayin
When I tell myself I can't so something, well in about two seconds I'll show me, lol.
When i quit, I resolved to never again let my Beast get Its precious stuff, and paradoxically to revel in Its pain. Right now it sounds like your AV has you convinced the pain is yours and not Its. If you quit, the pain is Its, if you planned to stop for a time and left it open ended , it seems well open ended , no ?
You could plan to quit for good right now, this second , yeah ?
I can see your AV is doing pretty good, It has You speaking for It. It closed the separation gap. It makes it sound like your plan is stop for awhile, is that Your Plan ?
Not a great plan if true. Just sayin
When I tell myself I can't so something, well in about two seconds I'll show me, lol.
When i quit, I resolved to never again let my Beast get Its precious stuff, and paradoxically to revel in Its pain. Right now it sounds like your AV has you convinced the pain is yours and not Its. If you quit, the pain is Its, if you planned to stop for a time and left it open ended , it seems well open ended , no ?
You could plan to quit for good right now, this second , yeah ?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,283
Thank you everyone. Your words have really helped. I’m not there yet, in the mental space I need to be, but I think I’m at least a rung up the ladder, maybe. I have a long way to climb though. I think it being the summer and having no work and being isolated has done a number on me. It will be good for me when work starts back up again. I can’t even imagine though if I was drinking when that happened. I’d likely be fired, and rightfully so. Even if I wasn’t fired, my students wouldn’t be getting a teacher they deserve, and that’s sad.
All of your words have helped. Really. Thank you all of you. I’ve seen your user names for so many years and you have all been such a help to me. I really don’t want to fail myself but I also don’t want to fail you guys. I want to be a success story. That would make me so proud. But in certain moments recently that just seems like a work of fiction.
All of your words have helped. Really. Thank you all of you. I’ve seen your user names for so many years and you have all been such a help to me. I really don’t want to fail myself but I also don’t want to fail you guys. I want to be a success story. That would make me so proud. But in certain moments recently that just seems like a work of fiction.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,283
Originally Posted by Dropsie
Hey lady,
Great that you posted before you drank, which I think shows that deep down your survival instinct is still working and knows that this would be a bad idea. Like a super dupper bad idea. But you know that.
I know it too, but after more than 5 years I have been having similar thoughts. So you are not alone. Know that.
For me, I think its becuase I am bored and feel like I have nothing to look forward to. Sorta like, what is the point anyway??
Nowhere to go, nothing to do, in the beginning it was interesting to do less, think more, catch up with life, but now its just plain boring. And for me, even after all these years and all I "know" -- somewhere deep down inside, drinking remains the antidote for being bored. So there, I said it. Out loud. Sounds childish even to my ears, but it is the way I feel.
But I will not drink because it is a one second of relief followed by 100% guaranteed remorse, shame, regret, you name it.
And for me at least being honest about the fact that on some level I do want to drink is a good thing. To admit that I am tempted allows me to avoid the temptation.
Lets make a deal, just the two of us, no drinking. No matter what. I will if you will...
XX
Great that you posted before you drank, which I think shows that deep down your survival instinct is still working and knows that this would be a bad idea. Like a super dupper bad idea. But you know that.
I know it too, but after more than 5 years I have been having similar thoughts. So you are not alone. Know that.
For me, I think its becuase I am bored and feel like I have nothing to look forward to. Sorta like, what is the point anyway??
Nowhere to go, nothing to do, in the beginning it was interesting to do less, think more, catch up with life, but now its just plain boring. And for me, even after all these years and all I "know" -- somewhere deep down inside, drinking remains the antidote for being bored. So there, I said it. Out loud. Sounds childish even to my ears, but it is the way I feel.
But I will not drink because it is a one second of relief followed by 100% guaranteed remorse, shame, regret, you name it.
And for me at least being honest about the fact that on some level I do want to drink is a good thing. To admit that I am tempted allows me to avoid the temptation.
Lets make a deal, just the two of us, no drinking. No matter what. I will if you will...
XX
and thanks. It’s really nice to know other people feel this way at times too. I really like this deal. I’m in!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
Sohard, thank you for trusting me. I trust you too. Once your'e out of this blip, and have ignored the AVs challenge to your sobriety, by recognising and dismissing the drinking thoughts as pure AV, and therefore not YOU, the white-knuckling will abate and you'll regain control.
How do I know, because as I've said earlier today, I've been there. Addiction is universal, the AV is predictable. Once you disengage and stop entangling with it, by giving it airtime, whatever that takes for you, you'll find peace once more. I have faith in you, that you can break through this blip, as you once had faith in me.
How do I know, because as I've said earlier today, I've been there. Addiction is universal, the AV is predictable. Once you disengage and stop entangling with it, by giving it airtime, whatever that takes for you, you'll find peace once more. I have faith in you, that you can break through this blip, as you once had faith in me.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Kerry, Ireland
Posts: 2,706
Hey Sohard, we are more or less sober exactly the same amount of time and I can relate. When I hit the year too I felt things stopped and started to plateau and like
that, even get a bit stale.
I think your recovery needs a kick start (like mine did) to get it into the next gear and get moving forward again. I remember a guy saying one time: "If you're not moving forward, you're
moving backwards" I think that rings true. It's up to you now to get the ball rolling again the right direction, and like some of the others have said, maybe new hobbies, etc
will help too.
that, even get a bit stale.
I think your recovery needs a kick start (like mine did) to get it into the next gear and get moving forward again. I remember a guy saying one time: "If you're not moving forward, you're
moving backwards" I think that rings true. It's up to you now to get the ball rolling again the right direction, and like some of the others have said, maybe new hobbies, etc
will help too.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
I'd bet on you just from what I've read in this post. You possess insight. The first two years were pretty brutal as I recall. I almost got caught up in the "I've changed I can handle it now" risky AV scheme.
Is there any way you can see to short circuit the fantasizing part? It is only a fantasy whether you drink or not. It's obscuring the reality and trying to suck you back in. It's a con job, a bait-and-switch, so why listen to that voice?
There is nothing for you back there. It's all pain at this stage. All the fun drinking was ever going to be it already was and more drinking isn't going to change that. You don't ever have to go back to that hell.
Is there any way you can see to short circuit the fantasizing part? It is only a fantasy whether you drink or not. It's obscuring the reality and trying to suck you back in. It's a con job, a bait-and-switch, so why listen to that voice?
There is nothing for you back there. It's all pain at this stage. All the fun drinking was ever going to be it already was and more drinking isn't going to change that. You don't ever have to go back to that hell.
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