Notices

Up and down

Old 08-02-2020, 05:42 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: I'm sitting right here ...
Posts: 918
Thumbs up

"You know how you can’t control the drinks after the first drink, but you supposedly can control the first drink? I feel like by fantasizing about it so much I’ve been so close to the first drink that I’ve basically already taken it, so I might as well start drinking. I don’t know if that makes any sense."

You're rationalizing. Stop doing that. No, it doesn't make any sense to a sober person not overwhelmed by the AV because here's the thing - you can fantasize about drinking until you turn green but if you haven't swallowed alcohol - you haven't swallowed alcohol. P E R I O D.

You've accumulated over a year of sobriety. That's a lot of hard work.
Don't give in now.


LumenandNyx is offline  
Old 08-02-2020, 05:51 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,044
but you supposedly can control the first drink?
just wanted to add that's news to me

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 08-02-2020, 05:53 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: I'm sitting right here ...
Posts: 918
I'll piggyback off Dee here because he's made a good point.

You can control whether or not you drink the first drink, but once it's sloshing around in your belly - all bets are off.
LumenandNyx is offline  
Old 08-02-2020, 06:08 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
bona fido dog-lover
 
least's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,671
I can only suggest practicing gratitude every day. That helped me grow stronger in my sobriety.
least is offline  
Old 08-02-2020, 06:38 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,283
Originally Posted by LumenandNyx View Post
"You know how you can’t control the drinks after the first drink, but you supposedly can control the first drink? I feel like by fantasizing about it so much I’ve been so close to the first drink that I’ve basically already taken it, so I might as well start drinking. I don’t know if that makes any sense."

You're rationalizing. Stop doing that. No, it doesn't make any sense to a sober person not overwhelmed by the AV because here's the thing - you can fantasize about drinking until you turn green but if you haven't swallowed alcohol - you haven't swallowed alcohol. P E R I O D.

You've accumulated over a year of sobriety. That's a lot of hard work.
Don't give in now.

This is all a really good point. My point you commented on did seem kind of nuts. It’s amazing what the AV can make a person believe.
Sohard is offline  
Old 08-02-2020, 06:41 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,283
Originally Posted by Tatsy View Post
Sohard, thank you for trusting me. I trust you too. Once your'e out of this blip, and have ignored the AVs challenge to your sobriety, by recognising and dismissing the drinking thoughts as pure AV, and therefore not YOU, the white-knuckling will abate and you'll regain control.

How do I know, because as I've said earlier today, I've been there. Addiction is universal, the AV is predictable. Once you disengage and stop entangling with it, by giving it airtime, whatever that takes for you, you'll find peace once more. I have faith in you, that you can break through this blip, as you once had faith in me.
Thanks so much, Tatsy. When my faith in myself is so shaken, it really helps to know that someone has faith in me somewhere. Of course my AV is saying “but her faith shouldn’t count… She doesn’t know you… You might as well drink…”, but I won’t listen to that. I won’t.
Sohard is offline  
Old 08-02-2020, 07:35 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
bona fido dog-lover
 
least's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,671
It always helped my resolve to know that others had faith in me. That's what friends are for.
least is offline  
Old 08-03-2020, 01:49 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
Member
 
Dropsie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Sohard,

Deal accepted. We goth this GF.

X
Dropsie is offline  
Old 08-03-2020, 05:16 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 710
Originally Posted by Sohard View Post
Thanks so much, Tatsy. When my faith in myself is so shaken, it really helps to know that someone has faith in me somewhere. Of course my AV is saying “but her faith shouldn’t count… She doesn’t know you… You might as well drink…”, but I won’t listen to that. I won’t.
You should have faith in yourself. I wish I had something really smart to say and helpful, because when I was having a really down moment, around day 50, you wrote a message to me that made all the difference. You gave the hope and support I needed to keep myself on track. Sometimes, help and love comes from the most unexpected places. However, the reverse is also true and we can get ourselves down from things we do not even notice.

You are a wonderful person and you do not deserve to punish yourself with the negative thoughts that will lead to self-destruction.
BackandScared is offline  
Old 08-03-2020, 12:03 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,283
Originally Posted by BackandScared View Post
You should have faith in yourself. I wish I had something really smart to say and helpful, because when I was having a really down moment, around day 50, you wrote a message to me that made all the difference. You gave the hope and support I needed to keep myself on track. Sometimes, help and love comes from the most unexpected places. However, the reverse is also true and we can get ourselves down from things we do not even notice.

You are a wonderful person and you do not deserve to punish yourself with the negative thoughts that will lead to self-destruction.
Thank you. I really appreciate your words of support!

Thank you everyone. I’m feeling a little bit better. Not a ton but a little, yet that is actually a big relief from where I was coming from. I’ll take whatever I can get.

I intentionally posted this thread in the Alcoholism forum, not the New to Recovery Forum, bc I didn’t want people in the early days to think it remains such a struggle. I know it really doesn’t. It has gotten much easier, but I guess for me there are still these weird deep dips that I still need to iron out. Because they’re soooo dangerous.

Obviously I know I can’t drink again. My last year of drinking I was definitely the worst I’ve ever been. And it started to scare me (although I probably should’ve been concerned waaaay earlier). I know I’m not the one and only unique addict who can restart drinking and have it be just fine. And I have to say, I’ll never get over how wonderful it is not to be hung over anymore. I basically consider myself a superhero for having been able to exist in the world hung over for 20 years. So I really don’t want to screw this up. I really appreciate all of your support.
Sohard is offline  
Old 08-03-2020, 01:00 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
Member
 
MaximusD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2020
Location: Eastern US
Posts: 1,386
Remind yourself of the horrors when you were quitting maybe? For me it helps to get mad at alcohol and the AV. Would it help to read back on the threads you have posted in the past for a reminder? We often forget why we quit with time.
MaximusD is offline  
Old 08-03-2020, 01:41 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,044
What have you done not to drink today so hard?

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 08-03-2020, 02:43 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,283
Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
What have you done not to drink today so hard?

D
Hi Dee. Well, I’ve been on here A LOT, started my millionth book of the summer, worked on setting up my classroom a bit, and sent a couple work emails (not much work to do as it’s summer and I’m a teacher). I’ve also tried to actively not engage with my AV and to not debate with it. No point debating with a known liar, and I think our recent fierce debates have been wearing me down. Clearly, arguing with it isn’t working but rather is perhaps damaging, so I’m now moving on to trying to shut the thoughts down right away. I’m trying!

Sohard is offline  
Old 08-03-2020, 02:58 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
Member
 
BullDog777's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
I was in a weird place after my first year too. Like I was working up to a huge accomplishment (the 1 yr anniversary) and when I got there, I was just kinda standin there wondering "What's next?"..."What the hell do I do now?" It was a time when I had to learn how to use all the tools I had been given my first year. This is how we survive.

I will share with you the best tool I got on how to stay sober when I was really questioning if I could do this anymore.
I had to learn to "Think the drink through" This meant I had to play the whole tape. From when I would take that first drink to when I was going to flatline from alcoholism. There was no other way. Death was my only way out.

So here we go..I get drunk. I start the cycle all over again. Within a week I'm back to scary drinking and then desperation hits when I start getting withdrawals again. I hurt my family and kids and ruin every good thing I've done in my sobriety. Then I have to look at myself in the mirror and admit that drinking was more important than anyone loving me. Because for me, when I drank...I was the bottle's b#$ch. My health starts to fail, I'm hemorrhaging money, my wife and family is terrified and I stop working. I stop doing anything but drinking. Drinking is now my life. I will do anything for drinking. I don't care what it costs me, I just want to drink until it kills me and then it will be over. Everyone who ever loved me will be in pain. My family will be devastated, my friends hurt, I'm just handing off all my bull$#it to someone else because I needed to be numb more than I needed to matter. And now as I lay dying....all I can do is blame myself and ask "what if I had just hung in for one more day?"
BullDog777 is offline  
Old 08-03-2020, 03:00 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
voices ca**y
 
silentrun's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,350
Originally Posted by Sohard View Post
Thank you. I really appreciate your words of support!

Thank you everyone. I’m feeling a little bit better. Not a ton but a little, yet that is actually a big relief from where I was coming from. I’ll take whatever I can get.

I intentionally posted this thread in the Alcoholism forum, not the New to Recovery Forum, bc I didn’t want people in the early days to think it remains such a struggle. I know it really doesn’t. It has gotten much easier, but I guess for me there are still these weird deep dips that I still need to iron out. Because they’re soooo dangerous.

Obviously I know I can’t drink again. My last year of drinking I was definitely the worst I’ve ever been. And it started to scare me (although I probably should’ve been concerned waaaay earlier). I know I’m not the one and only unique addict who can restart drinking and have it be just fine. And I have to say, I’ll never get over how wonderful it is not to be hung over anymore. I basically consider myself a superhero for having been able to exist in the world hung over for 20 years. So I really don’t want to screw this up. I really appreciate all of your support.
Year two seemed to me to be about unwinding some of the addict thinking that drags people back in. You might feel really low but I also noticed my low points where actually when I was moving faster through the process. They always preceded some kind of breakthrough. I remember naming my AV Sgt Foley from An Officer and a Gentleman. It was always riding my ass and hated to be eyeballed. What could I do tho? I had nowhere else to go. I had to keep going because that's the only choice I had left.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6g2JN2PrHJg



Last edited by Dee74; 08-03-2020 at 05:07 PM.
silentrun is offline  
Old 08-03-2020, 05:31 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
Life Goes On
 
Obladi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
SoDear, I'm glad you posted here. Sorry i missed you yesterday, but I see the A-Team arrived to hold you up, so that's a good thing! Look at all these folks that not only have faith in you, but they understand how it feels to be in the place you are. I don't have much more to offer, but will happily share what I've learned for myself in the hope that it might help you a little.

About that AV. It's good you decided not to listen any more. Maybe I'm making it up, but it kind of sounds to me like you've put the pillow over your head to shut it out. Only problem, of course, is that It's right in there with you. The AV tries to get at me too, but I remember that it's not really the AV that wants - it's the beast. As long as I effectively keep the beast outside my house, the AV is really useless. I can't hear it, you know? If I listened real hard I could, but it would just be playing the same well-worn record over and over again. Sometimes backwards, sometimes at 75RPM instead of 45, but it's still the same tune. No need to listen to that, so I just disregard it. I'm not sure how to describe the feeling - the best I can think of is that I'm indifferent to it. There's no need to grit my teeth because I simply don't care what it has to say.

That uncomfortable feeling you're feeling, though? In my (admittedly limited) experience, that is what needs attention. And the best way to pay attention to it is to, ironically enough, just sit with it. Notice how it feels without judging it. See if you can figure out what thoughts or beliefs are behind that feeling and what the deep-down origin of those thoughts are. You offered a lot of plausible reasons, but I'd submit that you haven't really found what it is because you're still terribly uncomfortable. You've probably read elsewhere about the laborious process I go through when I get a feeling like that. It's really hard, but every time I am able to get right down to the bottom of what I'm feeling-thinking-believing and I look it square in the eye, it's a relief. I reliably come out of the exercise thinking, "Is that what this is about? Well, I can handle that!" I'm not sure what it is for you, but for me, it's fear based in family of origin stuff. Every. Single. Time.

I agree with fini and dwtbd too. It's probably time to renew your contract, up your goal, set a new milestone. Set your sights on two years if a lifetime is too long.

xo
O
Obladi is offline  
Old 08-04-2020, 06:26 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
~sb
 
sugarbear1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,951
Are you opposed to AA? I think you could benefit from the work involved. Sobriety is action. Not passive, but active actions. It makes a difference!
sugarbear1 is offline  
Old 08-04-2020, 12:52 PM
  # 38 (permalink)  
Member
 
Dropsie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
How ya doing partner??
Dropsie is offline  
Old 08-04-2020, 03:17 PM
  # 39 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,283
Thanks everyone for your notes of support. I really appreciate it.

I'm doing okay (which, given where I was coming from, is terrific). I don't know why I get SO CLOSE sometimes. Then, it's like I'm fine for weeks, until....it happens again.

Obladi, I think you're right. A new goal is 100% necessary for me. I wish I could be the type that would now say "a lifetime of sobriety" is the goal, but I'm not that type.I can see why that is healthier than just shooting for a shorter date, but picking a shorter date then forever allows me to relax and and think "this is no big deal". So, since I'm at 456 now, I'm shooting for 500. That I know I can accomplish no big deal. So now I can breathe and relax. Not saying "forever" allows me to stop white knuckling. It's just how my brain works, I guess. Of course, this time I need to be on the ball when I reach my goal. This time I will be prepared to automatically set a new goal. Kicking the ball farther and farther down the field.

Dropsy, thanks for checking in. It's strange, but having this pact with you really does help. It's funny how that works, but it really does. So, thank you for that.

Bulldog, I like the idea of really playing everything out. For me, if I drank tonight, I'd enjoy myself (being numb) a lot. Then, I'd wake up like WTF?!?! I'd drink tomorrow, because I'd figure, I might as well enjoy being off the wagon while I'm off the wagon. I'd stay in and drink every night, never out with friends or coworkers, because I know I might do something foolish/embarrassing and perhaps black out. In social settings or when visiting my family, I could never drink, because now that I have no tolerance I'd get wasted right away since I would go back to drinking the same as I did before I ever quit. So, while I can go to those events now and be amongst society, I would have to stop going out all together and seeing people if I started drinking. It would be too dangerous. Eventually, not far down the line (a month, tops), I'd break at one of these events and decide to drink "just two" (I wouldn't even lie to myself that I could have one). But, two, of course, would never happen. Instead, I'd do something and put my life and perhaps someone else's life on the line. I might end up dead. Or in jail. Or paralyzed. My life ruined. My mom and sister and niece and nephew devastated. I would be a weight on all of their lives forever, whether I was dead or alive.

So, I better not start drinking. Sure, being sober might be hard at times, but drinking is hard almost all of the time. And it's putting other people's lives and happiness on the line. How dare I think I have that right. It's beyond selfish and disgusting.

So, I am where I am. I feel like I'm slowly climbing out of the hole. I am now trying to get back to where I've been at times where I thought - "This is awesome, I don't have to drink!" I'm not there yet, but I've decided to throw myself a bone and at least say that it's possible I'll get there. Why can't I feel that way again? Who says I can't? (I got that from you, Dee. ) I just have to keep working towards it.

Anyway, just my thoughts for today. Thanks for "listening".
Sohard is offline  
Old 08-04-2020, 03:34 PM
  # 40 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,283
Originally Posted by sugarbear1 View Post
Are you opposed to AA? I think you could benefit from the work involved. Sobriety is action. Not passive, but active actions. It makes a difference!
Hi Sugarbear, I'm sure you are right about this. While I don't believe AA is for me, I 100% agree with you that action is key. I've definitely had a lot of therapy where I've worked through what I imagine is what a person would do with a sponsor. I have nothing against AA at all (how could I? - it's saved countless lives!), it's just not for me. But who knows, maybe I'll change my mind some day. I never thought I'd become addicted to alcohol, and look at me now. So, stranger things have happened. Thank you for your advice!
Sohard is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:32 PM.