Stayingsassy

So in spring of 2017 I had really tightened up my diet: got rid of dairy, grains and all starches and was exercising regularly etc. I started to really change my body composition and was looking good despite the drinking.

Yesterday I was going through a bunch of photos on the computer and there were a ton I hadn’t seen in awhile. Basically all the photos from 2017. I put up some of myself and my best friend on facebook that were just good photos from 7/17 and we looked beachy and glowing. There were a ton of responses, responses I never get anymore from photos because honestly lately I look at lot older from the weight gain, and processed foods I started eating and getting hooked on in sobriety.

Ok. Bear with me. I told you this was A.V. it’s why I need to post it. For myself.

So anyway: last week, I went on the same nutrition plan. I ditched all starches and sugars, went full paleo. Within about five days, I’d dropped 7 pounds. But along with the diet and the weight loss are those old....antsy feelings.

So with getting rid of this substitute addiction as it were my A.V. is here in full effing force and it’s scaring me.

I’m tired of being fat (I’m 40 pounds up) and using food just to stay away from alcohol. I believe in my heart of hearts that I have to slay both demons to be free. I also believe that I CAN.

But it’s hard right now, my honesty is super important, I need to post this, not everyone will like it, it won’t even help people all that much, but I need to put this out there. And reinforce my sobriety however I can while I make this last change in my life, resolve this issue.

I am slaying both all day now, the alcohol and the sugar and it’s taking everything out of me. Yes, even though I haven’t touched a drop in 2 years, I am on the front lines again. I’ve cut back on work, exercise and all stress just to focus on this one thing. Doing both. I feel like it’s been long enough that I can give this a solid effort and I am prepared to deal with these feelings coming up but I am full force in the battle again.

I am now in the position that I’m allowing uncomfortable feelings to well up. I successfully pushed them down with food. Using ANY substance to deal with the sh1t that comes up when we quit drinking can lead to a cross addiction that will spell its own consequences unless it is dealt with so I am dealing with it.

This is the first time I have started a “big plan” for sugar. In 2.5 years I have kept the door open. Now that I am tired of being sick and tired, it’s time. But geez, it’s quite terrifying. Breathe.

That’s me over here, breathing. And cooking. People, ditching starch and sugar means a LOT of cooking, which actually is a blessed distraction.

fini

oh Sass, yes, breathe deep.

LazaB

Maybe you should try keto or intermittent fasting, it's really good for fat loss.

Hawkeye13

I feel you Sass and really can relate to the food / alcohol relationship.

I've been mostly carnivore and been finding considerable relief since I started treating food as fuel instead of recreation / relief.

Meal prep is easy, shopping is easy, and I have much more freedom in my mind.
Weight is slowly dropping with some stalls--I still over-consume animal foods like dairy, especially cream and cheese. I know quitting that would send the scale down faster.

I am having considerable body re-comp and seeing muscles that have been under the inflammatory fat layer for years. I like that part.

I'm also having some knee pain from oxalate dumping due to previous "healthy" habits of spinach, kale, figs, almond milk and flour, dark chocolate in particular.

Overall, though, this eating mostly meat has helped my labs, my weight, and most importantly, my mind find some solid ground in sobriety.

The research keeps getting clearer that carbs in excess are not helpful, and I personally think they are quite harmful for people in recovery from alcohol. Booze metabolizes as sugar, and that's the link for me between drinking and eating crap food, and craving crap food when not drinking.

Your microbiome wants sugar and will screw with your mind to get it. This has been shown in several studies--it isn't just you lacking willpower.

I'm glad you vented. Keep letting it out and holding the line as you have these two years.

You can beat this, and you will.

Stayingsassy

Thank you all! Thank you for getting it.

I am doing nondairy keto. It’s what I did back then, I’ve avoided it because it’s successful for me and stirs up things addiction wise for alcohol. But I’m ready to deal with it.

Hawkeye13

It stirs things up in part because your little microbes don't like losing their sugar.

What is happening for me lately is that I think the sugar-eaters are dying off and therefore the cravings are hugely diminishing.

However, most people say that there is a sometimes several month acute phase of intense craving, and depression, anxiety, irritation if sugar / carbs are not ingested.

It seems if you simply persist like you did with not drinking, you will push through it and find freedom on the other side.

Think about it--both of us have been long term heavy drinkers. Even if we ate keto, or fasted, our bodies were never fully free of carbs and sugar for extended periods of time due to the booze.

It's a whole new world. . .

Derringer

Its back because you casually tossed it a juicy morsel.

The past is the past, it now exists only in your mind, which is also where 'it' resides.

By looking at the old photos and thinking how good you looked despite the drinking, you've played straight into it's hands.

If you can get to a place of being satisfied with how you are now ... that'll be the end of it.

Stayingsassy

I went to visit my mom and she spent 30 minutes talking about my 13 year olds weight gain in the last year. Then, I spent the next two hours crying. Then, she texted me and told me she understands if I need a break from her because she upset me so much.

Oh, I’m raw, raw, raw.

Going to close my eyes and rest for awhile.

GiftsOfSobriety

I really get it. I stopped alcohol 15 months ago. I also gradually cleaned up my diet eliminating grains, dairy, sugar, processed food etc. also exercising regularly. I’ve lost 42 pounds and am no longer overweight. Physically I feel better than I have in as long as I can remember but I am emotionally feeling more intensely than I have in as long as I remember too. It's moment by moment at times but so far I have gotten through it by allowing myself to finally feel this emotional pain I have been suppressing with substances. As a result I’m starting to get a better understanding of my issues and have even have started healing. So I want you to know how deeply I get it. Great job

Dee74

For many people, any kind of craving can be interpreted as an alcoholic craving.

I know folks who stopped smoking or went on a diet and found the AV reawakened. Same part of the brain I guess?

Cravings are cravings and thoughts are thoughtsl, Its what we do with them thats the measure of our recovery.

Looks to me like your recovery is still pretty good stayingsassy

D

Stayingsassy

Yep. For two years now I’ve left the door open. I think that’s why I liked fasting so much because I could “moderate my carbs.” I.e. binge them all down between fasts.

The day before I quit sugar I finished two boxes of merengues and two boxes of jelly beans from Trader Joe’s. That’s par for the course, just an a enormous amount of sugar to get to the proper zoning out point.

So, after quitting it took about five-ish days for my brain to finally go “oh, sh1t. You’re not taking that away too????”

I quit drinking with “never again” because “just for today” or “maybe in 30 days” got me drinking again.

So my brain, or maybe my gut beasties, are crying out. While drinking, starting keto I’d make it about 10 days before adding in liquor (no carbs, similar pathway) so it’s true this is very different and will take the right amount of commitment.

Stayingsassy

I think that’s key. Yeah I feel it. I’m hoping for healing too.

I was not overweight when I got sober, but I have an understanding that I can’t keep switching substances. It’s just not going to work. Pitfalls abound.

Stayingsassy

An interesting thing is that; it’s my sugar intake and the way I use it that reminds me.

It’s the same pattern of use. Same amounts, same times, same response.

Which tells me that the alcohol problem is still there. I’m just not using alcohol. But the pattern of abuse is telling. It’s a shadow problem of the old problem I dropped two years ago but the lines are clear.

Stayingsassy

Definitely the same part of the brain.

HonestLy Dee I’ve been afraid to try because I’m that afraid of going back to drinking, and I didn’t want to “set it off.” So this is quite terrifying. It probably seems ridiculous to others but in my mind with my patterns and my addictions it’s significant.

I’m mindful that nothing needs to set me off, nothing has to make me return to drinking. Returning to drinking is an active choice to make. I don’t want to make that choice.

Dee74

I understand the fear but Its good to remember that you've lived with the AV in recovery before and it wasn't powerful enough to make you drink/relapse then...so why should it now?

Recovery isn't never having those wobbly moments or thoughts - it's about having them and doing the right thing anyway.

I'm not a dieter or a fan of diets but you have a perfect right to want to lose weight and the freedom to choose whatever diet plan you like.

I suspect as time wears on you'll start to hear the AV less and less?
D

Stayingsassy

Yes, I have certainly lived with the A.V. in recovery before. And I have the right to be as free of compulsion as I can possibly be.

It’s interesting how when you type out A.V. and the way it manifests in your head how perfectly insane and ridiculous it all sounds, but inside my head, it feels grave and serious, this post is like airing out the crazy so everyone can see it.

Dropsie

Oh Sass,

How brave of you. I think you need to do this to feel happy in yourself, with yourself. But it is not easy, not at all.

I often wonder what addiction came first, sugar that for some of us exapnded to include sugar, or vice versa.

For me, it was sugar first, and then when I started to get my sugar through alcohol, I did not eat any sweets for decades, NONE. Then I stopped drinking and started eating sweets again.

But, and this I think is where our paths diverge, I do not eat sugar addictively, but I did as a child. And when I stop eating it, life just gets a bit more boring, but no increased desire to drink.

So the relationship is interesting to me, but not linear, where it sounds to me like you see it as more linear.

Like Hawk, I think you and I both feel so much better, more in control, more focused etc when we do keto.

Why do you also cut out dairy? I dont eat much diary but to cut it out seems to make something hard, harder. Do you see huge benefits?

I will now say the obvious, your mother may be right that you need to take a little break if that is the way she is going to behave, and no matter what, dont drink.

XX

XXX

FeelingGreat

This^^^

In early sobriety I found that when my body needed anything, food, water, sleep, I craved alcohol.

I'll just say, you seem to go at things full tilt, which is admirable in many ways, but does give your body a bit of a task adjusting. Have you considered a transition period over a month or so where you gradually work towards your ideal?

BullDog777

OK, so this might be somewhat of an uncomfortable post for me as I don't really consider myself to be very vocal in some topics. However, this post really had me thinking and I can tell you what I learned.

Here's our brain chemistry...booze...endorphins. Food...endorphins....exercise...endorphins(but not released the same way)
Things that make you feel good...endorphins...

When my endorphins weren't getting "exercised" on a regular basis because I was losing weight and my body hurt from working out and I was sick to death of starving and booze and pills weren't an option I had to replace it with something else that "rang my bell" like these things could.

So ...for me..2 things. Going fast and sex.

I was drag racing and then I had lots and lots of sex. All those days of depressive behavior, one thing was blatantly clear...I hadn't done anything for me to make myself feel good. So...when I could, I raced...and had sex.

An on nights or days when she didn't want to, no big deal. I went on many "solo" trips if you catch my drift. LOL

My moods elevated and it was a lot easier to get out of my funks. Please forgive me if I put out TMI...I wasn't trying to be inappropriate in any way...I'm just trying to express to you how primal some of our brain chemistry is.

So...that's what helped me. Maybe something else is what does it for you, but you gotta find something that isn't destructive. I think everyone needs these endorphin rushes in some aspect or we start to get bored and frustrated. At least I did if I was honest with myself.

Dave42001

Thanks for the post I hope you’re doing well and corgrats on your sobriety time..

I believe honesty is huge and recovery is Freaking HARD.. I’m an AA guy and they always say, “ It’s a simple plan but it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do!”

Wishing you the best, keep working it! You got this!!