vulcan30

I know what happens if you complain about being single and feeling lonely, you usually get told to like your own company, no-one will love you unless you love yourself and all the lecturing at what to do about itand all that other ******** and never get asked what is making it painful or even related to the experiences. Here's a few of the things that's making being single excessively painful for me

• Not having a big social circle
• Never getting to meet new people my age
• Not having people to meet up with in the day
• Not Having female friends; those mixed friend groups of young people you see in cafes and bars (missing that sort of social circle, being reminded that it will NEVER be the case again is one of my triggers)*
• Not getting opportunity to meet people my age
• Not getting to mingle socially with girls my age
• Not getting to go on dates
• If THERE WAS SOMETHING THAT COULD BE DONE ABOUT IT (that profound feeling of POWERLESSNESS is the WORST)
• Not having had a relationship before (at least that would be EVIDENCE that it is POSSIBLE for people to be attracted enough to me to focus on)
• Not seeing evidence that good, non-judgemental single women exist and are not all taken
• There being NOTHING YOU CAN DO about increasing your odds of meeting them (if they even exist)
• Then being told that being socially-isolated makes you a bad, unattractive person, is a turn-off (WHAT UPSET ME)
• Having NO ONE TO TALK TO

It's one thing being single but NEVER getting to mingle.

Being chronically single and SOCIALLY ISOLATED is a factor that both originally turned me to drink and continues to drive me to it. I might as well be stuck on a boat in the middle of the ocean.

What I do not need right now is to be told that struggling with drinking makes me an even worse person, that it's weak, & all that other negative ******** (which will just make me feel worse).

I hope that it gets acknowledged, not the usual lecturing do this, do that. I hope there are people who relate to the situation.

I hope there are people who'll not jump to conclusions & who'll understand.

Dee74

If you're drinking, none of the above is likely to change.
If you're not drinking, whats stopping you from changing the situation?

you seem like an intelligent person.

If you are still drinking you're missing a step towards solving all the issues you mention.

Assuming you are sober, I'm sure you can think of some clever ways to meet new people, which is the fundamental step to making new friends and forging new relationships, without having to go out to bars (which I remember you said previously was a bad place to meet people anyway)

Meeting new people and making new social circles.

That's the same for everyone, no matter whether you're an introvert or an extrovert.

D

BackandScared

I totally agree with Dee.
Making friends is very difficult because they require time. Two things make finding time particularly difficult:
1. Having your own family: partner and children
2. Work

If you are single and there is no expectation of you being home at a certain hour, meals together, management of children/house/other tasks together, you can use your time for socialising and for hobbies and to invest time on other things in general.

it is all a question of priorities too. You must make it a priority or it will not happen. I do not socialise much because I am too busy with kids/husband/job and my gym commitment. I have started a new hobby: ice skating. It is only 30 minutes class but I have got to meet new people. If i want to get to be more engaged I would need to stay for longer as others do and to make time for it.

Meaningful things always take time and effort. That makes them worth it.

vulcan30

Thanks for the replies al. Anyway, drinking of course won't change it, heard all the usual lecturing before. If just telling myself that was enough to stop me I wouldn't have such a hard time avoiding drinking would I? Before giving advice DOES ANYONE RELATE to my situation & understand how painful it is (especially in the evenings)? Even if some of those factors reduced (such as having people my age to do things with in the day & getting to mix with girls at least more than once a year) it wouldn't be as bad. I feel powerless to change the things not because of drinking but because where I live meeting people is a) restricted to horrible bars and b) All the alternatives to bars are either non-existent or I only meet people my parent's age. It's easy to start with the easier-said-than-done advice giving. For now, I would like to simply be listened to & know that there are people in the same situation or have been in similar situations to mine and who relate to my triggers.

Dee74

Yeah, I lived it. I was not only a drunk I am disabled and I stutter.

I understand how painful it is to be alone....but I also remember thinking no one knows what it's like to be me and having to suffer the things I suffer.

I no longer feel alone. I no longer suffer. I no longer drown in self pity.

You can join the dots to work out why that is.

I could give you suggestions on where to meet people but I get the sense you'd see that as more 'lecturing' so no.

I hope you work it out. Vulcan.

D

BackandScared

I am sorry vulcan, but the 'usual lecturing' is coming from the 'usual' truth many of us had to face. We all have different circumstances, personalities and personality traits that make it more or less difficult to connect with others.

Women are socially and physically conditioned to be careful with men, especially if they are waving red flags (e.g. drinking too much). I don't know if you drink or not, but not drinking will help immensely with socialising, particularly women (unless you want to socialise with half-unconscious human beings).
Once you stop drinking for a few weeks you soon realise that not all socialising focus on alcohol. The majority of the population do not have an alcohol problem.
Apart from getting out of your chest and having others to listen (or read you, as I have done) what else do you want to happen? How?

entropy1964

I don't know how old you are but sure, I can relate. Age can make a difference because I was definitely 'yearning' for a partner when younger. And I felt I needed to 'fit in' with all the partnered and breeding people.

I think, for me, it's an internal challenge. How I view myself in relation to society. Cultural norms. Expectations that I perceive I am being measured by.

I'm a lone wolf. Always have been. That doesn't mean I haven't ever been lonely. I have. Very much so. And strangely the times I have felt most alone were when I was in relationships. Married. Whatever. Figure that one out.
Oh and when drunk. Oh my gosh. No more lonely time than that...that's like that black dark loneliness.

Now that I am 55, been married once, widowed once, I don't really feel that alone. I literally have no friends. None. No partner. Don't want one. What gets me now is I wonder what the hell is wrong with me? Why am I NOT lonely? I mean, I am sometimes, but not really. I have very low connections needs. That or I'm completely nuts. Maybe both

I don't really know what I'm trying to say. No advice from me because I have none to give beyond the stuff I believe you've already heard. If I really wanted to change my situation I would. And if I'm honest, I'm pretty broken. I mean, I'm ok, but frankly I wouldn't sick myself on anyone. Haha. That sounds terrible but truthfully, I'm not so good with relationships. My addiction has changed me. This is just me. But I'm safest on my own. At least that the status today. Who knows what the future will bring.

I guess the long and the short of it is, for me, my sense of loneliness or what's the opposite? Fullness of self, is more an inside job than anything else. No person or persons can 'fill' me or take away my kind of perpetual sense of 'it's just me in this world'. Dunno, guess I'm ok with it. I hope you find a solution...the very fact that you 'want' connection means you can find it when you are really ready.

Tetrax

Sorry to say but although I understand many of them, they still sound like excuses to use. You can mingle with people at AA or SMART, etc.

Stayingsassy

Hi,

Hey, I remember. I remember ages 20-25 being lonely because I wanted a relationship, but had trouble finding that special someone. I always met lots of men though, Parties, bars, get togethers, bbq’s. I drank but it wasn’t always drinking, a lot of them I met in classes at college.

Do you work, or are you a student? People meet people where they do what they do.

Do you exercise? Join a young persons gym. My climbing gym is packed with people ages 20-30.

My daughter is in a similar boat. She’s stunning (ok I’m biased I know); slender, beautiful, waterfall of red hair, aged 23. Not finding it so easy. She doesn’t drink so she doesn’t go to bars. I keep telling her to join my gym instead of checking out tinder. She laughs and says “I know right” except, she’s at work a lot. There are also a lot of young people at work and they are also her natural peers...but it’s hard sometimes, especially if flirting and reading signals doesn’t come naturally to a person.

I tend to feel as though when you are ready, it will happen. My husband and I have talked about this a bit when discussing people we know who “can’t find someone,” we think it’s more like they don’t want to find someone, or they are blocked somehow from accepting people.

Most people who genuinely want a relationship, can find one.

Gottalife

Just don't go there looking for a relationship because although the odds are good, the goods are odd.

Something along these lines came up in a meeting the other day, mainly about AA being a fellowship of men and women and how we all need to get along together. When newly sober I had not a clue how to do this. As well being lonely, 22 years old, and having not yet gone through adolescence, the prospect of ever meeting the one, looked remote.

Through the meetings I learned how to treat women respectfully. As time went on and a grew up a bit, I was able to date women, then got married, and though I lost my first wife to illness, I never had any trouble meeting women outside of AA.

My sponsor used to tell me that when I was ready, the right person would come into my life. I concentrated on making myself ready, and it turned out he was right.

entropy1964

Just don't go there looking for a relationship because although the odds are good, the goods are odd.

That's a good one! I would never seek a relationship in AA. Never. But it is good for fellowship and practice if one needs 'sober' social skills. I think 1 in a 100 stories I've heard about relationships in AA turns out with anything shy of a total cluster.

davaidavai

Oh yeah, I can relate to this. All the lecturing, just go out and meet someone! It's all in your head. The only experience of this most people let themselves countenance, is a middle of the curve one. The people who have a bunch of relationships. It's what we see on TV. It seems to jive with the idea of equality. The people having this experience think it's universal and that if you aren't having it -- if you aren't buying in -- there is something wrong with you. I think this sort of thinking is really integral to alcohol use. At least it was for me. I drank largely for this reason.

What makes me feel better is self acceptance. Recognizing in the moment, I am suffering. This is me, in an ageist society that revolves around couples and a sort of advertised experience of courtship, dating, hooking up in bars.

When I'm aware of where I stand, that my life is really spent 'alone', no matter what others try to pump me with, I am able to live it. To live the struggle to see clearly. Why is my life of struggle and my contention with loneliness any less true or in need of a lecture, than someone else who wants to blow smoke. I say nuts to those people.

Ken33xx

Yeah, I noticed men for example who hangout after the meetings are often single and/or retired.

However, many in the rooms have a myriad of responsibilities and need to take off.

Personally I enjoy the fellowship and chatting a bit after the meeting. But after 10-15 minutes I leave.

If I suddenly found myself single I'm not sure what I would do.

Probably just take care of my investments and hangout at an AA clubhouse like a lot of guys my age. (62)

Ken33xx

Unfortunately there are guys who have a difficult time meeting/dating outside of AA rooms. On the flip side there plenty of single women who enjoy the attention.

One of the most interesting speakers was a women who had been married 5 times.

Three of her ex-husbands were in AA.

Dating has always been tricky and I can only imagine how difficult it becomes later in life.

OpioPhobe

I, for one, can identify with what you are feeling. Things have gotten much better for me, but I felt almost exactly like you for probably the first couple years of recovery.

I also felt frustrated with advice that people gave me when I asked for help. It felt like I came from a different planet or something. People would throw around cliches like "learn to love yourself", which I didn't find helpful. Maybe people didn't know what to say and thoight that sounded good. If you ask ten people what it means to "love yourself" you will get ten different answers. How would I even know if I loved myself or not?

I slept with every girl that would have me in AA/NA for the first 18 months, and I sleep well at night guilt-free. Despite everyone's fire and brimstone warnings I didn't even think about drinking over it. I would point out that I told the girls upfront exactly what I was looking for. I didn't lie and manipulate them. That period helped me get some experience interacting with women sober. There were ups and down and I eventually stopped because of the emotional pain of the down periods.

The thing that has really helped me has been going to the gym. I started going because the last girl left me and I didn't want to feel that way again. I have been consistently going for 3 years now and it has done wonders for me. Before I felt invisible and now I get looks a good amount of times when I am out.

The thing is that I haven't felt that same need for a relationship at some point along the way. That definitely wasn't my goal when I started. I still have days when I feel lonely, but it isn't anywhere as painful as it was. I am kind of at the point where I don't see the point of a relationship. If I am fine by myself what would be the point of getting in a relationship anyway?

This is all just my personal experience. I am not trying to lecture you or tell you what to do. If you honestly want a relationship you probably shouldn't follow in my footsteps anyway. But ya, you aren't alone with your feelings. I know a lot of men from the rooms that have felt that same way too a certain points, but they rarely talk about it openly. Most of the guys I know that felt that way were able to find a relationship or come to peace with the situation. Except for the ones that relapsed of course.

FeelingGreat

Vulcan I'm long term single and sometimes feel lonely but I only have myself to blame for it. There are plenty of Meetup groups, special interest groups and volunteer work I could be involved in if I just wanted to enough. Same with you.

Cosima11

I unfortunately still work in a drinking environment and sometimes (often, if I'm honest) flirting comes with the territory. I think it was actually beneficial in the beginning, learning that I could still be seen as attractive, flirtatious, etc. in that context while completely sober. It revealed and broke down a lot of my illusions surrounding that. After a while of course it just gets old, not to mention can feel pretty artificial/inauthentic. If you hit it off with someone and the chemistry isn't just based around drinking, there are plenty of other things to do and places to be.

But mostly I've passed up all opportunities to date since quitting because I've been hung up on a specific person. Still can't say whether it's been the "right" course of action, but I've had my reasons. No longer running from myself and the messes I've made or the patterns I've ignored, has been the main one.

I also can't downplay the fact that long term sobriety required significant short term sacrifices.. sometimes extreme social isolation being one of them. I could go in depth about the extent of the misery that came with that, but just know you're not the only one and it does get easier. The things I feel comfortable doing now in social settings could and would have been putting myself at serous risk earlier on.

I've found the cliches about finding yourself and your own interests/passions and how the rest will follow.. are mostly true. If I'm not healthy enough to to be with the person of my dreams, how can I expect that relationship to "manifest itself" so to speak.

BeckoningCat

Loneliness or continuing to drink alone has definitely been a factor in my drinking feeling out of control. But I think as long as we drink to deal with those feelings, the more isolated we become. I isolate, my therapist tells me that I isolate, I know that I isolate, because one of my biggest issues is continuing to drink by myself after I've come home from the restaurant or the bar, or just never bothering to leave the house in the first place, and bringing the drinks here so I can just escape from reality.

I actually have been married before, I have had more than one long-term relationship, and dated plenty when I lived in a larger city. It doesn't make it easier for me to be alone that I was married back in my 20s when I am in my early 40s now, or that I dated consistently while living in the city, but have a hard time meeting compatible people where I live now. Because I am a woman, my age does not help, even if I don't "look my age" women have that hanging over their heads that they are "old" before men are, even if we haven't reached menopause and still feel reasonably young. I am guilty of telling people IRL that I am younger than I am because I feel like being over 40 scares people even if they think I look 30 or 35.

We all have our burdens to bear. One of the reasons it's so difficult for me to date is not just leaving the city. It's because of the type of people I am attracted to or who is attracted to me. My last "boyfriend" who lasted longer than a couple of dates also had a similar drinking pattern to myself, he could go without drinking, but then also went through phases of binge drinking. Back in the city, I somehow managed to get involved with someone who did cocaine recreationally, although he was successful and didn't do it every day, I got real tired of his 4 am texts which felt objectifying and selfish. One of my friends pointed out to me in just the past year was that part of the problem was my own lifestyle, where I am going to meet men, even if they are educated or successful or look good on paper, what kind of relationship am I going to have with a 35 year old man who still acts 22 because of his substance abuse issues? And what does that say about my own?

So I just stopped even trying. It may have made things go from bad to worse with my drinking, or maybe it is the same, and I am just more conscious of it now because I've embraced the loneliness and the isolation and have to deal with myself. I don't know. The more I think about it, it seems like all the more reason I should be putting more work into staying sober for a longer period of time.

Purpleman

I very much resonate with this.
I'm completely comfortable accepting responsibility for being single. If I was of a mind to change my "relationship status" then there are certainly plenty of opportunities to do so