Family Drama
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Family Drama
Sorry in advance for the long post.. My relationship with my mom has been terrible for most of my life. It's seemed out of my power to change that because anytime I try to bring up some of the issues in hopes of resolving them.. I cannot say anything without her immediately getting defensive, crying, acting like she's the victim (and a child I should be "protecting" rather than "attacking").
So I've been in a counseling program trying to deal with some of that, and I'm still not far into the work at all.. but just by listening to other people's experiences and perspectives, I've been able to temporarily put my anger aside and re-word some things in a way she can understand. That's opened the door to her telling more about what's going on in my home state lately, and honestly it's still not good.
My heart breaks for my 13 year old half sister. My mom has gotten into one awful relationship after the next, but my ex step dad (my sister's biological dad) was arguably the worst one. If he still drinks daily the way he used to when I was in high school, I can only imagine it's progressed further and it still literally hasn’t even occurred to her that it might be a factor. It honestly amazes me how completely blind she is to it.
They have 50/50 custody but lately my sister has been saying she doesn’t want to go to his place because she’s afraid to.. I don’t know the specifics but there was something recently about him smashing his head into her bedroom door out of anger. Last time she didn’t want to go over the police were called (my mom’s idea but of course without evidence of physical abuse that accomplishes nothing other than traumatizing her further).
Here’s the thing.. his actions are inexcusable but I know he is suffering deeply. I know I can't save her or him or anyone other than myself.. but now that I've been dealing with my own sobriety my instinct is actually to reach out to him. I severed ties completely once him and my mom broke up, and I actually feel some amount of guilt about that.
Not sure what I'm looking for exactly with this post, but any input is appreciated. I've done a lot to "maintain boundaries" and still credit that as the only way I've been able to heal.. but I'm unsure what I can and/or should do in the situation with my sister, as she is my primary concern. If reaching out to him might in some way help him to treat her better.. Idk, maybe it's worth a shot.
So I've been in a counseling program trying to deal with some of that, and I'm still not far into the work at all.. but just by listening to other people's experiences and perspectives, I've been able to temporarily put my anger aside and re-word some things in a way she can understand. That's opened the door to her telling more about what's going on in my home state lately, and honestly it's still not good.
My heart breaks for my 13 year old half sister. My mom has gotten into one awful relationship after the next, but my ex step dad (my sister's biological dad) was arguably the worst one. If he still drinks daily the way he used to when I was in high school, I can only imagine it's progressed further and it still literally hasn’t even occurred to her that it might be a factor. It honestly amazes me how completely blind she is to it.
They have 50/50 custody but lately my sister has been saying she doesn’t want to go to his place because she’s afraid to.. I don’t know the specifics but there was something recently about him smashing his head into her bedroom door out of anger. Last time she didn’t want to go over the police were called (my mom’s idea but of course without evidence of physical abuse that accomplishes nothing other than traumatizing her further).
Here’s the thing.. his actions are inexcusable but I know he is suffering deeply. I know I can't save her or him or anyone other than myself.. but now that I've been dealing with my own sobriety my instinct is actually to reach out to him. I severed ties completely once him and my mom broke up, and I actually feel some amount of guilt about that.
Not sure what I'm looking for exactly with this post, but any input is appreciated. I've done a lot to "maintain boundaries" and still credit that as the only way I've been able to heal.. but I'm unsure what I can and/or should do in the situation with my sister, as she is my primary concern. If reaching out to him might in some way help him to treat her better.. Idk, maybe it's worth a shot.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Cosima,
That sounds like a terrible situation.
My personal view is that if you realisitically think you could help you should, provided you think you can do so w/o jeopardizing your current situation and state of mind. This is more than your sobriety, you seem good lately and I would not want you to lose that.
But your sister is your sister and sounds like she needs the support. BUT, my Ex is nuts, does not drink but is a sociopath and I always THINK I can help becuase I think I SHOULD be able to help but the reality is that I cannot and often my intervention makes matters worse for my 15 year old who also does 50/50.
So my thought would be to reach out directly to your sister, who may be the only sane one in that group and see how you can help her and what she wants. For my daughter, that kind of support from her sister would mean a lot. It may take time if you have been incommunicado, but if you explain I bet she will get it and it might help her understand her father's demons a bit and why you have not been around.
And keepa go with the counseling -- I think it is doing you good.
You are a good woman Cos, and a good sister.
X
That sounds like a terrible situation.
My personal view is that if you realisitically think you could help you should, provided you think you can do so w/o jeopardizing your current situation and state of mind. This is more than your sobriety, you seem good lately and I would not want you to lose that.
But your sister is your sister and sounds like she needs the support. BUT, my Ex is nuts, does not drink but is a sociopath and I always THINK I can help becuase I think I SHOULD be able to help but the reality is that I cannot and often my intervention makes matters worse for my 15 year old who also does 50/50.
So my thought would be to reach out directly to your sister, who may be the only sane one in that group and see how you can help her and what she wants. For my daughter, that kind of support from her sister would mean a lot. It may take time if you have been incommunicado, but if you explain I bet she will get it and it might help her understand her father's demons a bit and why you have not been around.
And keepa go with the counseling -- I think it is doing you good.
You are a good woman Cos, and a good sister.
X
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"They have 50/50 custody but lately my sister has been saying she doesn’t want to go to his place because she’s afraid to.. I don’t know the specifics but there was something recently about him smashing his head into her bedroom door out of anger. Last time she didn’t want to go over the police were called (my mom’s idea but of course without evidence of physical abuse that accomplishes nothing other than traumatizing her further)."
my opinion: this is the priority.
she is afraid. she does not want to go.
she will have reason to be afraid. ramming into her door?? how could she possibly feel safe?
and i think that calling the police hopefully accomplished at least letting your sister know that her safety is of concern to her mother and that she is not alone.
i really like what Dropsie says.
i understand the feelings of sympathy and understanding for him and his misery, but feel strongly that your sister's safety and well-being is first. she is a kid; a threatened kid with not any control, it sounds like, as to where she is.
and it sounds like she is not given the option to not go...i don't understand how that can be?
my opinion: this is the priority.
she is afraid. she does not want to go.
she will have reason to be afraid. ramming into her door?? how could she possibly feel safe?
and i think that calling the police hopefully accomplished at least letting your sister know that her safety is of concern to her mother and that she is not alone.
i really like what Dropsie says.
i understand the feelings of sympathy and understanding for him and his misery, but feel strongly that your sister's safety and well-being is first. she is a kid; a threatened kid with not any control, it sounds like, as to where she is.
and it sounds like she is not given the option to not go...i don't understand how that can be?
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Originally Posted by Dropsie 
Cosima,
That sounds like a terrible situation.
My personal view is that if you realisitically think you could help you should, provided you think you can do so w/o jeopardizing your current situation and state of mind. This is more than your sobriety, you seem good lately and I would not want you to lose that.
But your sister is your sister and sounds like she needs the support. BUT, my Ex is nuts, does not drink but is a sociopath and I always THINK I can help becuase I think I SHOULD be able to help but the reality is that I cannot and often my intervention makes matters worse for my 15 year old who also does 50/50.
So my thought would be to reach out directly to your sister, who may be the only sane one in that group and see how you can help her and what she wants. For my daughter, that kind of support from her sister would mean a lot. It may take time if you have been incommunicado, but if you explain I bet she will get it and it might help her understand her father's demons a bit and why you have not been around.
And keepa go with the counseling -- I think it is doing you good.
You are a good woman Cos, and a good sister.
X
That sounds like a terrible situation.
My personal view is that if you realisitically think you could help you should, provided you think you can do so w/o jeopardizing your current situation and state of mind. This is more than your sobriety, you seem good lately and I would not want you to lose that.
But your sister is your sister and sounds like she needs the support. BUT, my Ex is nuts, does not drink but is a sociopath and I always THINK I can help becuase I think I SHOULD be able to help but the reality is that I cannot and often my intervention makes matters worse for my 15 year old who also does 50/50.
So my thought would be to reach out directly to your sister, who may be the only sane one in that group and see how you can help her and what she wants. For my daughter, that kind of support from her sister would mean a lot. It may take time if you have been incommunicado, but if you explain I bet she will get it and it might help her understand her father's demons a bit and why you have not been around.
And keepa go with the counseling -- I think it is doing you good.
You are a good woman Cos, and a good sister.
X
Also whenever I’ve gone home to visit I haven’t been able to pretend everything is fine in my relationship with my mom. My anger has still been close to the surface. I think my sister has taken that personally or assumed it has something to do with her, which it definitely doesn’t. The last text I sent her basically said exactly that, and that she can always talk to me about anything if she wants. She said ok and that’s where we left things.
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Originally Posted by fini
"They have 50/50 custody but lately my sister has been saying she doesn’t want to go to his place because she’s afraid to.. I don’t know the specifics but there was something recently about him smashing his head into her bedroom door out of anger. Last time she didn’t want to go over the police were called (my mom’s idea but of course without evidence of physical abuse that accomplishes nothing other than traumatizing her further)."
my opinion: this is the priority.
she is afraid. she does not want to go.
she will have reason to be afraid. ramming into her door?? how could she possibly feel safe?
and i think that calling the police hopefully accomplished at least letting your sister know that her safety is of concern to her mother and that she is not alone.
i really like what Dropsie says.
i understand the feelings of sympathy and understanding for him and his misery, but feel strongly that your sister's safety and well-being is first. she is a kid; a threatened kid with not any control, it sounds like, as to where she is.
and it sounds like she is not given the option to not go...i don't understand how that can be?
my opinion: this is the priority.
she is afraid. she does not want to go.
she will have reason to be afraid. ramming into her door?? how could she possibly feel safe?
and i think that calling the police hopefully accomplished at least letting your sister know that her safety is of concern to her mother and that she is not alone.
i really like what Dropsie says.
i understand the feelings of sympathy and understanding for him and his misery, but feel strongly that your sister's safety and well-being is first. she is a kid; a threatened kid with not any control, it sounds like, as to where she is.
and it sounds like she is not given the option to not go...i don't understand how that can be?
I guess he’s been “being nice” since then (this is a stage in the abuse cycle, not a real change of heart) and has agreed to sign something saying she can choose which days she goes over there, if any. Hopefully that does happen but I doubt it’ll be the end of the problems. If anything I fear it might escalate things, as he got pretty obsessive/verging on stalking when him and my mom got divorced.
I’ve sent friend requests to him and his mom (I was actually close with her at one point) and will just have to see how things go.
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Originally Posted by HeadEast
It would seem to me that the most important person here is your 13 year old sister. Can you start to take her to lunch or something regularly? 13 is a hard age.
I’m not considering reaching out to my step dad out of sympathy or as a friendly reconciliation, but rather as an attempt to address a real part of the issue (his alcoholism) and also to make him aware that other people are aware of his actions.
I appreciate the input but am sort of regretting posting this. It’s deeply personal and not something that can be adequately explained on a forum. So I’d appreciate if we could just end the conversation here.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Oh Cosima. It’s so hard to worry about family from a distance.
I think there’s nothing wrong with reaching out to all of them, and offer emotional support. Be upfront with your dad, and with your sister; ask if there’s anything you can do for her.
Leave it open ended, so if your sister wants something specific from you she can ask, and if she doesn’t? She will feel less alone, and like she doesn’t have to deal with this all by herself.
I think there’s nothing wrong with reaching out to all of them, and offer emotional support. Be upfront with your dad, and with your sister; ask if there’s anything you can do for her.
Leave it open ended, so if your sister wants something specific from you she can ask, and if she doesn’t? She will feel less alone, and like she doesn’t have to deal with this all by herself.
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Thanks for the replies. I thought I was in a good enough place to ask for more details and be more involved with family again but that simply might not be the case yet. So I guess the last thing I want to say without directly relating it to my circumstance is.. What really got me hooked from the start with this program I'm in, was them saying the addiction and abuse cycle are actually the same thing.
First there's the mental obsession (accompanied by delusional thinking), then the physical compulsion, followed by emotional remorse or a "moment of clarity". Only to repeat again and again and again. This applies to behavioral addictions too.
In abuse that looks like setting the victim up (gaslighting, creating impossible expectations, obsessing over their perceived wrongs to make it justified etc.), leading up to the act of (verbal, emotional or physical) violence, followed by the "I'm so sorry, this will never happen again" spiel.
There's also an "inverted triangle" which I'd heard about before with the roles of persecutor, rescuer, and victim. When a rescuer tries to save a victim they often end up becoming a victim as well, and then the only way out of it is to become a persecutor themselves. Alternately there's an "empowerment triangle" with the roles of coach, challenger, and creator. So I definitely don't have all the answers but I'm slowly learning at least what not to do..
First there's the mental obsession (accompanied by delusional thinking), then the physical compulsion, followed by emotional remorse or a "moment of clarity". Only to repeat again and again and again. This applies to behavioral addictions too.
In abuse that looks like setting the victim up (gaslighting, creating impossible expectations, obsessing over their perceived wrongs to make it justified etc.), leading up to the act of (verbal, emotional or physical) violence, followed by the "I'm so sorry, this will never happen again" spiel.
There's also an "inverted triangle" which I'd heard about before with the roles of persecutor, rescuer, and victim. When a rescuer tries to save a victim they often end up becoming a victim as well, and then the only way out of it is to become a persecutor themselves. Alternately there's an "empowerment triangle" with the roles of coach, challenger, and creator. So I definitely don't have all the answers but I'm slowly learning at least what not to do..
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