Rockbottom1964

No matter what ugliness I was accused of - other people's sins were always worse than mine. Getting defensive and/or pointing the finger at others, were way more preferable than owing up to my own flaws. A way of masking my many insecurities. A lot of SR friends reading this thread will know what I’m talking about, I think. Many of you, I dare say, have been there with me. Some, many, many times. That defensive mode us alcoholics know, embrace and utilize so well… When we get accused of anything related to our drinking – and most of it is bad, let’s be honest – we get on the backfoot. Instead of facing up, we start throwing our accuser’s faults – or their friend’s and families’ - back at them. And we can/could get really ugly with our words. I, for one, am a shining example of that: Sober, I’m just defensive; drunk, I’m a monster. Rude, crude, hurtful, hateful, just-ugly… They all fit. I can hit harder with my tongue than Mike Tyson ever could with a fist…
I think Karma has placed me where I am at the moment. (I’m living with my dad and stepmon - 78 and 63 years old, and both alcoholics in the extreme). Each day at three they start drinking and by five the old man is a garrulous, argumentative, rude old drunk who does not allow any argument from the stepmom, who, in turn, is normally a crying-drunk, glued to the TV and mumbling a lot of gibberish by then. Being here, although extremely unpleasant a lot of the time, has opened my eyes to what I was, and worse – what I was going to become. It was one of the main reasons that made me stop drinking, and for that I’m grateful. So – although unpleasant right now – perhaps there is a bigger plan in there somewhere.
My ex-wife used to tell me that when I’m drunk, I am just like my dad – which brings us back to the topic of me lashing out and hurting with my words. Perhaps someday, in a year or two from now, maybe at our daughters anniversary, I can sit with her (the ex) and look her in the eyes – something I always had a problem with when I drank – and tell her about being sober and that I’m really sorry and that she was right. Maybe that would erase some of the scars, or just make them itch less and not remind her each day of the a******-drunk I was. That I had, in fact, become a better person. I know that I will feel better.
36 Days and counting…

Obladi

Thanks, Rockbottom.

I've done a lot of "unintended learning" over the course of the past month or so myself - like your karma thing. Your hopeful projection for a year or two from now is a beautiful thing. That's a simple dream worth working toward, eh?

O

Rockbottom1964

Thanks, O. I hear you, yes. Alcohol is a real b*** of a taskmaster, though, is it not? Learning the hard way, is sort of synonym with booze. We stuff up so many things while we drink and then have to try and fix as many of them as possible once we are sober.
Fortunately, there are some things that can be fixed; the rest we just have to learn to live with. "Time heals all wounds", they say - and although I don't agree with that in full, it does get better, I'm sure.
In the meantime, we still have our dreams and at least we can do something about them...

tomls

Great post! I can relate! Best wishes for you on your journey!

Obladi

I meant that I've been learning an awful lot since becoming sober again. Hard lessons to be sure, not the ones I thought I'd signed up for in many instances. But I think that's ok. The past is gone and there's nothing I can do about it now. I do look forward in a misty distant sort of way to doing my future solidly sober amends with my kids the way you describe with your ex - it's a nice dream. But it doesn't pain me today that i can't do it yet. You know what I mean?

As long as I'm giving this thing (my sobriety, my mental health) my solid best effort every day, I'm satisfied that I'm doing all that I can possibly do right now. And after all, "now" is all any of us have. Right?

O

Dee74

Sounds like a less than ideal domestic situation RB - can you move out?

D

Rockbottom1964

Unfortunately not, Dee. I would have if I could have; my dogs are mostly what keeps me here at present. (At least there is a yard here they can play in). This is the last stand for me, but I working hard towards getting out of here in the second half of 2020. I think my dad will also be gone (passed away)by then and I'm the only one of his children who still has time for him... Things will get better, I know.