Patcha

I quit for nearly 4 weeks while I was faced with a huge work challenge, but as soon as the deadline was met, I drank again. I want to quit and I don't want to quit. I want to drink without any repercussions. I just don't know what to do. There is no question that I am an alcoholic. I can't moderate.

least

You've got to want sobriety for yourself, not for a 'deadline' or project. And you've got to want to be sober more than you want to drink. Take it from me, sober is better. My life is so much simpler now. No drama, waking up feeling good. You couldn't pay me to drink now.

I hope you choose sobriety before the choice is made for you by unpleasant circumstances.

Dee74

Hi Patcha

many of us faltered a time or two. It is difficult - as you say it's like a partof you wants to drink without consequence and continues to hope against hope thats possible.

I can save you 20 years.
It's not possible, not for drinkers like us.

Fortunately you can quit and stay quit - even is a part of you is unwilling, there's another greater part within you - the part that bought you back here to post.


Feed the right wolf

Welcome back

D

fini

when you say you don’t know what to do...do you mean you don’t know how to achieve ongoing sobriety, or don’t know if you want to go for that though you feel ambivalent, or if you should keep drinking or...?
knowing you’re an alcoholic and can’t moderate....how does that figure into making a decision for you?

ScottFromWI

Glad that you made the deadline Patcha, but sorry your drank.

I think you have answered your own question right in your post actually. You want to drink without repercussions, but know that you can't. And you know that you are an alcoholic. Can you honestly tell us that you don't know that quitting alcohol for good is the solution? That's a rhetorical question..you don't need to answer other than to yourself. Because that's really where the power lies - in your decisions and choices. If you want to, you could decide right now, this very moment, that you are going to quit drinking for good. And there is a community here ( and elsewhere ) that can help you reinforce that decision. But at the and of the day, you are the only one who can make the choice....are you ready? We are ready to help!

nez

This could have been tattooed on my forehead at one point. Boy can I relate. I spent at least 3 years in that viscous mental revolving door. The repercussions were hellacious on me mentally and physically. When I finally jammed a wooden block into the revolving door, I discovered that there are no repercussions to sobriety. What a concept! Sobriety has rewards. Drinking has repercussions.

Stayingsassy

Oh hey,
I’ve been sober two years and I ALSO want to drink without repercussions! We have that in common.

What’s different about you and me is, that avoiding the repercussions is more important than drinking is.

I hope you can get to that point before anything bad happens. It’s common to keep going back to drinking, that’s what makes us alcoholics. But try to stay safe, and keep those around you safe as well.

Gettingcloser

I too would like to drink without repercussions but it is not meant to be for me. I will never get back what I had when I could moderate my drinking and be responsible.
I am very glad that I have made peace with this. It is very important to realize there is life after alcohol.

Ghostlight1

I'm afraid I wouldn't want to drink without the repercussions.
After almost eleven years sober, I like the person I've become. I came to despise the person I became drunk.
I generally don't care to much for people when they're drunk.
Sobriety has become my way of life. I like it that way.

Gottalife

The subtle nature of the obsession is mind blowing. "This time I will be able to drink without consequences, this time I will just have a couple".

It was an awful realization that I could never safely drink, but then finding I still could not stop. That subtle thought, so subtle that many a time I was unaware of its existence. Yet it was so powerful as to easily crush any sane thoughts about not drinking. The insane thought always won out.

Out of desperation to stop the misery I eventually threw myself into the AA program. By following simple suggestions, it was almost immediately that the subtle insane thought stopped coming. And it has never come back. The strange thing is I never realized it had gone until my sponsor told me I had been sober for three months, an impossible thing for me, and I realized I had gone nearly all that time without serious thought of a drink.

Patcha

Isn't that the truth. I've never regretted not drinking. It's clear to me that I don't have an off switch when it comes to things that are bad for me. I've never drank an entire bottle of coke and looked for another one. I drink a lot of water but I don't obsess about when I'm going to drink water next.

Patcha

What have you done to get and stay sober, Stayingsassy? Can I call you Sassy?

Patcha

I have diagnosed work related PTSD. While I wasn't drinking for those weeks, my PTSD symptoms were very hard to manage. When I'm drinking, those symptoms stay at arms length. This is part of the trouble. I get a whole other set of symptoms, like depression and anxiety, but some specific PTSD symptoms are not there, so life is more comfortable when I am numb. This is a dilemma and I don't know what to do about that.

Dee74

Do you have a Dr, therapist or counsellor Patcha?
that has to be the best place to start.

If you have, but your current medicos aren't helping maybe it's time to get a second opinion.

It stands to reason there are good ways and bad ways to deal with PTSD.

In my laymans opinion one of the worst things we can do with a problem like PTSD is pour alcohol on it.

D

Stayingsassy

I thought I was doing it my own way, but during a decade of trying to quit I think the recovery methods were just in my head, so when I examined what I was doing, it was mostly AVRT.

“I will never drink again, no matter what” is my big plan.

The no matter what part got really dark and difficult this year, but I don’t drink any more so I just let it be dark and difficult...

The big plan is now a habit, so lately it’s more about remembering why I can’t go back, remembering the severity of my alcoholic symptoms, etc.

Also, I come here daily.

Hope that helps.

Patcha

It's really as simple and as hard as that. You're very brave. I'm a chicken that doesn't like discomfort.

Yes, it does. Thank you.

Patcha

True.

Patcha

I have a horrible virus and can't breathe because of the air pollution today. Do not want. At least I woke up clear headed and got a good night's sleep. I'm astonished at how well I sleep when I don't drink. My cat rarely sleeps on my bed but she did last night and I had to freeze like a statue so as not to disturb her. Today I am still off work but feel slightly better than yesterday. I'm eating anything that doesn't run away from me (except my cat - I'm not a monster) and chugging water and soda like it's going out of style.

Stayingsassy

I don’t like discomfort either. The way I drank meant a lot more discomfort by the end of the day/night/next morning than I had started out with before taking a drink.

The great irony is, those who are close to drinking drink to “avoid discomfort” and those who are sober a long time stay sober to “avoid discomfort.”

It’s all about what lifestyle you have gotten yourself accustomed to.

Stay sober long enough, and it just won’t occur to you to drink as you go about your daily life. It’s all about length of time.

And yes you can call me sassy. Everyone does. Except in real life of course. I have a nice respectable Puritan name in real life ��.

Patcha

I will use this thread to remind myself of things.

Bad things about drinking:

- heartburn. oh god. the heartburn
- not being able to drive in an emergency (frail, elderly parents)
- the cost. I could buy a castle if I had back all the money I've spent on booze
- the calories. There are more fun things to spend calories on
- brain fog
- high blood pressure
- liver problems
- the stress relief that turns to self hatred and depression
- waking up constantly through the night to pee, to drink water and take more headache pills
- not doing anything except racing home from work to sit on the sofa and drink
- the constant pain of wanting to drink but not wanting to drink

Good things about not drinking
- moar money!
- feeling clear headed all the time
- more time for other things because I don't drink myself to sleep by 9pm every night. i could go crazy and take a class or get some exercise.
- improved health
- better sleep
- laser sharp thinking and memory
- I'm always good at my job but when I'm not drinking, I'm amazing
- feeling fine about myself, not depressed or particularly anxious