Hi Patcha
many of us faltered a time or two. It is difficult - as you say it's like a partof you wants to drink without consequence and continues to hope against hope thats possible.
I can save you 20 years.
It's not possible, not for drinkers like us.
Fortunately you can quit and stay quit - even is a part of you is unwilling, there's another greater part within you - the part that bought you back here to post.
Feed the right wolf
Welcome back
D