CallingYouOut

Addiction is so complicated. I have a very, very, very long back story with which I won't bore everyone. I will start with the most recent months. In December, I had a bit of a family crisis, more like a major set-back. I said to myself that I needed to go on a "six month cleanse" as in a break from alcohol. My husband got totally wasted on Christmas. I also wanted to enjoy myself that night but since one of us had to drive home, I stayed "sober" (had a couple drinks early in the evening then stopped so I would be fine by the time the night was finished). So, I figured that instead I would have a nice New Year's Eve, but he and I got into a bit of an argument so I really didn't enjoy that night. I don't have any particular habit of drinking when I am angry. It's a random thing for me.

Anyway, I tried to stick to a pledge that I would start my "cleanse" as of January 1st, but family stress was so high that I resorted to drinking within a couple weeks.

Now, previously to all of this, for years and most of my entire adult life of a few decades (I'm in my late 40s) I drank rather randomly. I would get on a red wine kick where I found a new wine I really liked so had a couple glasses a couple to a few times a week. Rarely was I ever into liquor, except during college and even then it wasn't a big deal. Nothing major really in the alcohol department. Not until now.

Between mid January and the end of April, I was drinking whiskey and similar alcohol almost every other day. Maybe about 8 ounces would be the amount I would have. I would consciously feel myself drawn to it. After finishing off a 1.5 bottle of Jameson in March sometime that we had in the house, I bought one to replace it because I didn't want my husband to notice what I had been doing. That was about all the alcohol I purchased during this January to April struggle. The rest of my drinking was confined to whatever we had lying around that my husband would not notice was gone: a few old bottles of wine that were so old that were "turning," a couple of nips lying around, a large beer someone had given us, a small bottle of bourbon, and a small bottle of something our neighbor home brews.

All in all, it wasn't a ton of alcohol and I would never be the kind of person who "can't put it down." I've only been really wasted (like falling down drunk) about a dozen times total in my entire life. That's not my thing. It has never been and will never be.

I haven't had a drop in a couple of weeks and my sleep is phenomenal. One of the things that I had noticed was that I wasn't feeling "right" towards the end of this period especially when it came to feeling well rested. I had a recent bout of something like this last year but it was a struggle with wine, and more like "I need to cut back because I want to feel healthier." I wasn't feeling conscious compulsions back then, I wasn't saying to myself as I passed by the wine section of the grocery store, "Oooohhh, I think I need to go get some.....lookie lookie..." But that stuff was happening this time around and when I drive by the liquor store I have to fight myself from pulling in to the parking lot.

I have been trying to tell myself that I need to get to my birthday in the summer at the very least. I do well with self-tests like this - MOST OF THE TIME. The failure with this "six month test" upsets me and I fear I will fail this "to my birthday test."

I really don't like labels like "alcoholic" but I do wonder sometimes if I am one, given what has been going on. Of course, there is physical dependency going on, but I don't think it automatically makes someone an alcohol to have times in their lives that they have drank more than usual and their mind-bodies want them to continue to supply the GABA, etc., that it has become used to artificially receiving (as the brain produces less of it endogenously when it has been receiving an exogenous source).

I don't know.... I just needed to come tell my story because I don't have anyone to talk to about this. My husband has cancer and has enough to worry about as it is.

Dee74

Hi CallingYouOut

Its often said here that only you can decide if you're an alcoholic or not.

To my mind, the label is not as important as whether your drinking is problematic for you or not.

There's a few red flags in your post for me.

You committed to a drink free period but didn't get very far.

You drink to deal with problems and stress. (I understand your husband has cancer but drinking for stress relief and problems is how a lot of us got started))

You've been drinking more regularly, And the urge to drink seems to be growing in intensity and frequency.

You've been trying to keep the extent of your drinking secret.

You have some unease about your drinking and the general way it makes you feel.

Alcoholic or not, I think all these things are worth looking at and considering?

You could do worse than spend some time here - this is a great community

all the best to you and your husband

D

tomsteve

doesnt matter what you call it. do you feel you have a problem with alcohol?
if yes, do you want to do something about it?

Action

It never hurts to abstain from drinking and live life on life's turms.
I was a little concerned with the hiding it from your husband. But I like your questioning everything and putting it on the table so to speak.
You will find kind support and firsthand knowledge here, welcome.

MyLittleHorsie

I think at the end of the day you have to decide if you are an alcoholic. The longer I have been sober, the less I care if other people know I am one. I always thought I hid it well as a way to, in my own mind mitigate how unmanageable my disease had become. Looking back now, 80% of the time it was hidden, but there were times it was not. I too could go out and stay sober, play DD. I never missed soccer, dance, hockey practice, always 100% sober. Come 9 or 10pm I was working in my office, do not disturb, red wine and I were having a meeting. Only one kind, from one winery.
I started not drinking for a month, joined here at a month sober. Tried different things until I found a recovery method. I committed to 6 months sober, then a year, then a decade. Around a year I knew I was done for good, it took that long to accept it.
Lots of different stories around these boards, some real inspiring ones, some heartbreakers too. The fact you have joined and are testing the waters speaks volumes. Welcome to Sober Recovery. You are going to want to be sober to face what you have going on in life. You will find the tips and tools on these pages.

DriGuy

This resonates with me. I had similar questions about my drinking from time to time. Could I be an alcoholic? It bothered me a bit, but I continued on over the years reinforcing my need to drink. It was OK as long as I didn't make too big an ass out of myself. I continued to raise this question as I progressed, but didn't dwell too much on it. Finally, I went into an out of control spiral. I'm not sure why it took so many years to get to that, but such is the nature of the thing.

Even when I got so bad that I went to AA, I still questioned if I was an alcoholic or not, and the question still comes up from time to time. Here's the point: It doesn't make any difference to me if this thing that I hate about myself should be properly labeled as either alcoholic or not, doesn't make any difference whether it's atcual alcoholism or not either, but of course I know that's what it is now. It is what it is, and if it ain't good, you can reap benefits if you take care of it, no matter what you or anyone else calls it.

I do not recommend drinking until you go into a downward spiral. My God; That was a horrid experience. I don't recommend getting to the point where you have to fully realize you are an alcoholic before you realize you are not really in control. Where that point is varies from person to person, but it's not a pretty place.

I have no idea if you are an alcoholic or just a bit careless when it comes to your drinking. I hope you are not, but I remember having those self doubts early in my drinking. This doesn't mean we are on identical paths, but your concern is not wasted because the potential outcome is something worth avoiding.

I think just hanging out here from time to time will help you gain some insight into this thing. Alcoholics can be surprisingly forthcoming with some of their inner secrets, which is odd now that I think about it, because we spent so much of our lives hiding those secrets from ourselves.

ScottFromWI

Welcome to SR CallinYouOut, and thanks for sharing your thoughts. As other have said, only you can decide if you are alcoholic/addict - and the term is really not all that important either. Recognizing whether or not alcohol is a problem or not is very important though.

I think the real key is the loss of control - either in the amount, the frequency or the intentions. Once you cross that line, the overwhelming evidence suggests that you can never go back to "controlled" drinking. And unfortunately no one can tell you why that is because there is no know answer. And believe me - I tried every form of moderation there is - controlling how much I drank, what I drank, how offten I did it, where I did it, the list goes on and on. But no matter what I tried, I always ended up back at the point where drinking caused problems in my life.

And for me at least, the only possible solution was to simply accept that I cannot ever drink without also having to face the consequences. And they get worse and worse every time.

Stayingsassy

All these, and:

You’re hyper aware of what kinds and amounts of alcohol are in the home (non alcoholics don’t care)

You’re tracking time spent sober or time spent drinking.

You’re finding whiskey more appealing than wine.

These point to 1. Obsession with drinking and 2. Attempts to control your drinking and 3. Needing higher alcohol percentages to get the same effect.

Be very damned careful. I remember this point in my drinking. It didn’t get better. It got a whole lot worse. Maybe, begin to seriously consider whether sobriety would feel like freedom to you.

I’m 19 months sober. 1. I don’t know how much or what kinds of alcohol are in my house. Husband drinks. I think he’s got a bunch of coors light for his band practices, some wine (to bankrupt me, ugh wine is a jack on drinkers) maybe some bourbon and some other stuff? but I have no need to go through it and catalogue it all. It’s a non issue. 2. I don’t set drinking timelines. I don’t set drinking goals. I don’t do sober January. I don’t plan for the big drinking weekend. I don’t plan recovery days. I don’t figure out a moderation schedule. That madness is far behind me. It’s so beautiful. 3. I remember very, very well when I needed to switch it up to whiskey, decided I liked the taste of straight whiskey better than anything else, kept it by my bed in a big bottle with a shot or rocks glass beside it, and just always had my crutch. It’s a very bad sign when light beer or wine just don’t cut it, and you decide you are “drawn” to whiskey, you aren’t drawn to whiskey, there’s nothing special about it except that it will get you drunk fast when your tolerance is high and it’s palatable without a mixer. Period.

Watch yourself. You’re on that path. Most of all, don’t lie to yourself. Look at your thoughts, behaviors and actions with a critical eye, because you wouldn’t believe the ******** your addiction will convince you is “normal drinking behavior.”

CallingYouOut

Thank you, everyone, for your input. I greatly appreciate it. I have always had this presumption that an AA-based place such as this would be rife with people who think everyone who has any kind of struggle with alcohol is an "alcoholic." It was refreshing to see that people understand the nuances involved.

I don't believe that there should be a concern of a possibility of a downward spiral in the sense that I would ever become someone who can't stop drinking as in out of control drinking at a time. After I get my buzz, I am done. I don't like that drunk feeling. As I wrote about in my original post, I have not been super super drunk more than a few times for each decade of my life, about a total of a dozen. There is a reason for this. It makes me feel nauseous and there is no feeling in the world, except pain, that I dislike more than nausea.

However, I am cognizant of the possibility of a downward spiral in the sense of a tolerance and dependency building up and up and up which could damage my health. In fact, it could seriously put me in jeopardy of death within a year. It's a long story, but there is a genetic reason for this as I have an inherited blood disorder that pre-disposes me to clotting. My mother died as she was going into menopause at age 47 of a massive stroke when a blood clot dislodged from an artery into her brain. She had been a long-time cocaine addict and alcoholic.

I get my artery measured for atherosclerosis annually. I am at the cusp of being in a danger zone as of spring of last year. I am due for this year's test but I had to switch doctors so I won't know if I can get this highly specialized test done until I see him in June. If the new doctor does not know of this test and where I can get it locally, I need to go back to my old doctor.

Anyway, see.... there is this huge health concern that is driving my concern about my lifestyle. I don't eat as well as I should. I don't do cardio as much as I should. And I have been drinking more than I should. Some doctors, such as my husband's oncologist, are completely against all alcohol use because of its damaging effects. See, e.g., recent news about how "No Amount Of Alcohol Is Good For Your Health" based on a 2018 study published in the Lancet: Alcohol use and burden for 195 countries and territories, 1990–2016: a systematic analysis for the Global Burden of Disease Study 2016

It feels good to be able to vent here. By the way, I don't think keeping this from my husband is a sign of anything other than me wanting 1) to protect him because he shares my concerns about my health as I do his and 2) to keep him away from temptation as he cannot have a drop of alcohol while in treatment. He has made a number of comments about how he isn't allowed to have alcohol. I know him so well that I know he is craving it.

CallingYouOut

P.S. It is interesting to see a strange theme in the responses that suggests that this place employs opposite of the general notion that questioning one's own sanity is a good indication of sanity. Questioning one's alcohol-use is an indication of alcoholism? I don't buy that.

biminiblue

I think it's more that we've all been there. The rationalizing, justifying, looking for a dignified way to talk our way out of it all.

The point is - if you've Googled alcoholism and signed up for a Sober Recovery web forum, chances are good that you need to seriously question your drinking. No one here cares whether or not you call it alcoholism. Just don't lie to yourself, the only one who matters.

Keep reading, I think you'll find answers here on this site. Welcome.

DriGuy

You are right that it is not a precise indicator of alcoholism, as normies may also ask the question. However, most self identified alcoholics have gone through the questioning process early in the progression, and while I haven't done a survey, I think you would find this more true of alcoholics than normies. This does not mean you are an alcoholic if you raise the question. Heavens no. It's just an indicator to be considered in combination with other patterns of behavior.

There are a number of psychological tests designed to identify alcoholism. I took one of them, and that question was on the test, but it's not a stand alone identifier, and even the counselor that gave me the test was hesitant about labeling me. He just said, "The results do not guarantee that you are alcoholic, but you definitely have a problem." No single question on the test identifies alcoholism or even problem drinking.

Especially, in early stages, a diagnosis is dicey. The solution, however, is always abstinence, except by a few programs that claim to offer the key to moderation, but these programs have yet to provide convincing results, while moderation seems to be little more than an early and failed attempt each alcoholic uses to try to gain control.

There was a saying I heard once that resonated with me: "If you have to control your drinking, you don't have control over your drinking."

CallingYouOut

I'd be interested in taking one of those tests.

I have been receiving Sober Recovery "newsletter" emails for almost ten years (another long story....as I said, there is a very, very, very long back story which involves family members' addictions) and from time to time there are articles on the types of problems addicts have. I don't relate to the vast majority of them.

Yesterday, I found a post that I made on a cancer support forum that I had written in February of last year and found it eerily prophetic as my husband was diagnosed in December 2018 with recurrence (he has stage iv colon cancer):

On another front, I am just about at my wits end with my husband. He just had liver surgery, is supposed to be eating healthy for a speedy recovery and to avoid being diabetic again (as well as to prevent further cancer!), and what is he doing? Returning to his awful diet. Slowly, but surely. Yesterday, it was chocolate chip muffins, ice cream, fried chicken, etc.

I think avoiding further metastasis will take a miracle. I won't be surprised if he has future mets [metastasis]. I don't know if I can bear to stick around for it. I am at my breaking point.

I posted my original post because I have no other outlet and needed to vent. I don’t feel comfortable “nagging” my husband about his lifestyle while mine isn’t perfect. We had a bit of an argument about this on Monday at his most recent oncologist appointment as the control I am trying to exert over his sugar/food addiction can become unbearable to him at times. His steadfast "I would rather die than eat healthily," a verbatim quote from him, stubbornness can be unbearable to me at times. I can't even speak with a therapist or local clergy. There are good reasons for this that I cannot get into.

tomsteve

alcoholism itself isnt about how much a person drinks. its about what we don when we drink and the underlying issues alcohol is a symptom of.
one symptom of a problem i wad replacing bottles so my fiance wouldnt notice i had been drinking. if i didnt have a problem with drinking i wouldnt have been concerned with her seeing i had been drinking.

ScottFromWI

Whether you buy that or not doesn't really matter to be honest. You'll find a very wide ranging spectrum of opinions on the subject of sobriety here, but at the end of the day the only one that really matters is yours - in relation to your drinking that is. And it really doesn't need to be that complicated, sometimes it can be as simple as writing down a list of pros and cons to drinking. For me personally, there are no pro's at all anymore, but even when I was actively drinking I couldn't find many .

Addiction is a master of deception and denial too- so the other thing that's important to remember is that you'll never really be able to find a logical answer to the "why" question. I searched for it for years- decades reallly. But in the end the only true solution that gave me peace was acceptance. And by that i mean accepting that if I drink, there will be negative consequences - every time. No matter how long I stay abstinent for, every time I choose to pick up one drink bad things will eventually happen. And there's nothing I can do to change that fact.

NYCDoglvr

It's not quantity or why you drink. It's what happens when you drink. An alcoholic can't stop with a drink or two.

Dropsie

CYO,

Reading your posts and the replies, I would stress that this is not an AA based place, but I guess it is a stop drinking place, as opposed to moderation.

The one difference I have with what my friends have posted is that everyone I know who drinks would have a hard time stopping and they tell me so. Not because they are addicted but it is a part of our society and the fabric of their lives.

This is not to say that if they had to stop for a reason they couldn't, but rather that stopping completely is not easy for anyone.

That said, while there are moments when a drink does still sound tempting, what I would stress is that not drinking in fact is just better in all ways, but you need to do it to realize that, and then stick to it even when the little voice tells you a glass of wine would be good.

I love not drinking -- the feeling of being there, in control, on top of my game, the best I can be. I feel like a MC ad, but it really is priceless.

So that is why I would stop -- you are going to have some tough days ahead with your husband, taking booze off the table let you be there for him fully and for yourself. And from reading your posts, I don't even think it would be that hard for you -- its just a shift in mind set -- I get to be sober, not I have to stop drinking. And the sleep, amazing.

Other than having my girls, best thing I ever did.

dwtbd

The hardest part of any addiction ending endeavor is letting the desire for a good buzz go unindulged.

sortofhomecomin

Callingmeout,

While you are right to say that someone drinking excessively at certain periods in their lives doesn't necessarily mean they are alcoholic, you do exhibit some behaviours which I view associate with alcoholism - particularly during your period when you found it necessary to polish off every last drop of booze in your house, even drinks you probably wouldn't ordinarily touch. Normal drinkers, as a rule, don't do that.

Stayingsassy

I think everyone should question their alcohol use, and it does not make them alcoholics to question it, it makes them alcoholics when they are not able to control their intake.

I have a friend who used to get hammered with me regularly, on her houseboat, her home, my home, wine bars, etc. She did “sober January.” She got through it without much trouble. After sober January she incorporated some wine into her life, maybe 2-4 glasses a week, when I saw her at events, she’d have one glass and switch to water. She started running a lot, preparing for marathons, and her drinking stayed at that low amount. She said she doesn’t like mixed drinks anymore, and prefers to have her wine sometimes, but not all the time. Even though she used to get so drunk she was often out of control, when she finally did make the effort to control her intake, she could.

This friend is not who I would consider an alcoholic. Her steps: “Whoah I am drinking too much, I will cut back.” Then she successfully cut back. End of story, no need to quit.

I attempted to cut back for ten years, I only made it 30 days when I decided I was quitting forever, I could never keep my promises, my intake worsened, I continued to use alcohol excessively in times of stress, my goals suffered (there was no marathon training), and my embarrassing episodes got worse and more frequent, still I denied I had a problem. Over and over again I denied it, attempted to cut back, failed to cut back, problem worse even still. I am an alcoholic. I have not had a drink in nearly 2 years.