CLAS

You would think writing this anonymously would be so easy. But this is tough. I drank yesterday and today. And as bad as it feels, I think something good came of it...I am reminded that I don't like alcohol anymore.

I didn't get drunk. I'm not wasted. I'm flat. The alcohol gave me no payoff. I'd be more concerned if I liked it. I'd be worried if it got me high. It didn't.

I don't like what I did. Feels a bit dirty. But there's this other side that I'm excited about. I don't need this! I'm better off sober!

Back to day one tomorrow. Thanks for all the support. This SR family is important. I am going to work on not doing this again. I think a better plan is to post here before a drink.

As bad as I feel, I feel really good. Thanks SR family.

Dee74

what do you think pushed you to drink again, CLAS?

D

doggonecarl

You don't like alcohol anymore...in hindsight. You drank twice. Seeking something. You may try again. Bolster your recovery plan. Nothing good comes from drinking.

CLAS

Hi Dee- I'm not 100% sure...I think these last 50 sober days have been so good for me but some of the hardest I have ever endured. I need to adjust to the fact that I cannot escape my head. Like it or not. I am stuck with myself.

I don't necessarily hate myself, and I am not suicidal but I wish I could get away from myself at times. Just shut it off. I used to sort of laugh off people when they said they wish they had never been born. But I must admit this is how I feel. I just don't want to have myself as a sidekick any more. But here I am. Stuck.

Alcohol seemed like the fix for escaping my head this weekend. But I soon realized it doesn't help. These last 50 days have been so scary and dark I think maybe I was desperate to mentally be somewhere else.

I will be sober again and start with a new day one. The truth is I won't drink even if things stay bad. I guess there is no rule that says sober needs to be this wonderful thing. I need to hang on. Thanks everybody here at SR.

CLAS

You are 100% right Carl. I need to get my act together and stop this. It's childish.

Dee74

Getting away from the jabber in your head is something a lot of us have to do.

I find being active helps - even something as mundane as cleaning up, or exercising. spots, a good jigsaw puzzle, music - anything that takes you out of your self for a little while.

Even Urge Surfing can help,
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-surfing.html

or conscious breathing

or simply a quiet place and a chanting mantra...
Om still works pretty well for me

If it feeds on itself...stop it feeding

Thought Stopping: A Technique to Quiet the Negative Voice in Your Head

There's a lot of things you can look up and try

D

CLAS

Thank you Dee. Just reading your posts is so comforting. I do have some healthy habits, but I need to really focus on doing something other than drinking as soon as the thought is even considered. I like the sober life, even though I only knew it for 50 days. It's my destiny. I am not supposed to be a drinker any more.

Algorithm

You are falling for that old classic, the "it didn't feel good" ruse. This one can be insidious by nature of its subtlety.

What if the alcohol did give you a payoff?

What if you did like it?

What then?

Grungehead

I found that after getting some sober time under my belt it really screwed with my drinking. But that didn't stop me, I just seemed to go into a darker place when I drank. But yeah, the whole idea about recovery is to find a way to become comfortable in our own skin so we don't feel the need to escape. Find a plan that helps you get to that point and life can be reasonably good without alcohol. For me that was working the 12 steps. It allowed me a way to clear away the wreckage of the past (which lifted a huge burden off of my mind) and gain a whole new perspective on my life.

Done4today

Try to volunteer and help others. That seems to stop the thinking for me. Takes me out of myself.

ScottFromWI

Addiction is a very selfish affliction, and it does seem childish at times.

I'm glad you recognize that and hope you can strengthen your recovery plan to help realize that before you drink. Because honestly no one needs to drink to be "reminded" that they don't like alcohol. You ( and all of us ) have been reminded many times over, that's why we are here in the first place, right?

fini

I guess there is no rule that says sober needs to be this wonderful thing.

no, there's no such rule. but when your experience is this:

These last 50 days have been so scary and dark I think maybe I was desperate to mentally be somewhere else.
it's time to check out other ways of 'doing sober' than the one that just leaves you in a dark and scary place for weeks.
there are options for that.

MsCooterBrown

You made me laugh Clas. I have heard the saying Everywhere I go...There I am. HA! I think that is what brings us to sobriety no matter how long it takes...we get there by being SICK of ourselves and our behavior. But then you go for days...and perhaps it is your birthday. OR it could be a good friend that blows back into town. And your head tells you ...Just for tonight. I can handle one or two. Hell I have been sober for days! THEN BOOM....off you go on another roll. Could be a few days bender. Could be a month. My theory is if you are still finding your way back...still have that desire for sobriety. You will make it. NEVER give up.

MsCooterBrown

"You are 100% right Carl. I need to get my act together and stop this. It's childish."

I have to disagree here. Childish?? HECK NO! It is called addiction. And you were picked for some reason to join in. It is real. It is a struggle. It is NOT a tantrum.

Glad I got that off my chest....

thomas11

In my opinion, it is helpful to find methods or techniques to help you "get out of your head" without drinking alcohol. Its not an easy thing to do, but it will help you in the long run.

bluedog97

I think I'll add that I wouldn't count on your sudden "ambivalence" towards alcohol to keep you sober. I've thought that before after a bout of drinking, only still to return to it later. I'm no expert on staying sober, but I think a key is accepting you won't drink whether you want to or not.

I'm an alcoholic. I think to expect that there won't be any times when I want to drink a bit unrealistic. That's the battle.