Originally Posted by
Dee74 
what do you think pushed you to drink again, CLAS?
D
Hi Dee- I'm not 100% sure...I think these last 50 sober days have been so good for me but some of the hardest I have ever endured. I need to adjust to the fact that I cannot escape my head. Like it or not. I am stuck with myself.
I don't necessarily hate myself, and I am not suicidal but I wish I could get away from myself at times. Just shut it off. I used to sort of laugh off people when they said they wish they had never been born. But I must admit this is how I feel. I just don't want to have myself as a sidekick any more. But here I am. Stuck.
Alcohol seemed like the fix for escaping my head this weekend. But I soon realized it doesn't help. These last 50 days have been so scary and dark I think maybe I was desperate to mentally be somewhere else.
I will be sober again and start with a new day one. The truth is I won't drink even if things stay bad. I guess there is no rule that says sober needs to be this wonderful thing. I need to hang on. Thanks everybody here at SR.