August252015

Sweet Centered -
I know you via our personal contact so I will just say.....maybe don't put yourself in such situations (I read the word 'assume' somewhere in your posts about the when/whether drinking would be the norm with this club and you said you thought (didn't know, though, as I read it) this was perhaps a one-off because pre-club). I just....wouldn't. And about buying the wine.....I wouldn't take that as a gift anywhere. That's just me- not because of fear of drinking or anxiety about the alcohol itself, but because it's just not part of what I, specifically, "do" anymore. Some good cheese and nice crackers or such would be more up my alley.

As far as how you handled it- none of us are perfect and I am sure I could re-do some of the times I've talked.....then again, I am comfortable sharing about my sobriety and choose how I do it wisely and word-specific, most of the time, when I do. You're human and did fine, it sounds like. I'd remember that most people don't care and pushy people....well, they can suck it in my opinion

As for the thinking and caring too much about others' opinions....some of us do and some don't - AS MUCH- as you can see from the above responses. If you know this is one of your liabilities (I'd call it a defect in AA terms) then perhaps limiting your triggers for this sensitivity to kick in is a good idea.

As I have written around here, I am ruthless about who gets a seat at my table, and anyone who doesn't support me in sobriety- or who aggravates the heck out of me like these women would- just don't fit into my agenda. I wouldn't go back to this book club; an analogy would be that I didn't really like the ladies lunch group I joined last year as part of Junior League. Some drank at lunch, some didn't, but they just weren't for me. I found myself hedging on RSVPs each month and finally just admitted I didn't like being there.

I am probably giving more direct "advice" and opinion because I know you in private communication, so I hope you "hear" my voice of the usual support and care I have for you.

Hugs
CN

Maudcat

I found, similar to Dee's experience, that most people don't care about my non-drinking. I was far more self-conscious about it in early sobriety than I am now. I am baffled when someone relates a story about their friends making a big deal about the fact that they don't drink. Why should anyone care? It's a personal decision, like adopting a vegan diet.
I'm a granny. I look like a granny. Sometimes, if I feel like messin' with an overcurious "why don't you drink?" Person, I just smile a little and say, "The entire biker gang went on the wagon. Can you imagine? Gotta support the patch!"
(I am also a Sons of Anarchy fan.)
Peace.

elihoping

Meet you sister - lol! I remember a couple of years ago, my boss in work asked me about a movie I'd been to see on my night off. Well because I'm slightly nervous around him and want him to like me, I started to babble uncontrollably. I told him in great detail about the movie, from start to finish, including details about what I considered to be graphic sex scenes in the film. I then wrapped it up by advising him to bring his wife to see the movie immediately. I honestly don't know what possessed me to come out with all of that. I still cringe about it to this day!

I'm getting better at the babbling although sometimes I almost have to clamp my mouth shut so as not to fill the silence. It takes work. Sometimes mentally I take a "vow of silence" in situations where I feel uncomfortable. I'll speak when I have to but I won't take on full responsibility for the conversation. It's important to remember that the other person/people have their part in the conversation too. I also find it useful to have a few phrases handy when it comes to why I don't drink. I usually just say that I'm highly allergic to it and it makes me very sick.

I know you feel embarrassed but I think you handled it perfectly!

tomsteve

Research has shown that drinking wine every day is good to prevent Alzheimer's!
my mother drank a glass of wine a day for many years and still developed dementia.

"When oh when will I be comfortable in the uncomfortability? "
you wont. you don't have to be comfortable with uncomfortability.
but you can be comfortable with being able to have the right to stand up for yourself.

"When will I stop caring about making others comfortable? "
maybe when ya accept its not your responsibility to make others feel comfortable?maybe when you accept you are allowed to stand up for yourself and have a backbone?
just like Jesus did. He said it like it was a few times with people not likin what they heard, but didn't let that stop Him.

KAD

This was the overarching point on the tip of my tongue throughout the OP. I battle against forming resentments at people for their presumptuous opinions, and their seeming need for validation of their own drinking habits. I think you handled it all very well, though. Good job!

paulokes

I'll throw my hat in:
Definitely, without question, I was more self conscious about not drinking in early days than I needed to be. It's true sometimes that others don't care or notice who is drinking what. Always felt the need to explain myself or defend myself. The "problem" was me, and anxiety.

It's also true that some people can be inappropriate. They can judge, or express judgement. They can try to force a drink, or force a conversation if I say no.

Makes no difference whatsoever...if I want to be comfortable in my skin, I have to learn other people's behaviour is their concern. How I feel about it/respond to it is mine. I am certainly not going to spend the rest of my life uncomfortable with the attitude of others or feeling hard done by...gotta grow past that.

Here's the kicker...people are insensitive all the time. Conversations are awkward all the time. I always felt self-conscious at social functions because group conversations would be hard/involve a bit of conflict/ involve some controversy or insensitivity...and I was convinced it was all about ME! It was because I was there, everything would have been hunky-dory if I wasn't

I've since come to realise everyone finds group conservations messy. People interrupt. They talk over each other. They disagree. Someone says something offensive. Conversation doesnt flow. There are awkward silences. People without my level of anxiety/self-consciousness just accept that and get over it

It's a really fine line learning not to blame oneself for anxiety but accept most of these perceived problems really are mine, and within my power to overcome. "Not drinking" is a difficult subject because we are (I am) inclined to believe the root of the problem is our "defectiveness". It's not. It's not our fault. Its not theirs. Just is what it is

Thanks for raising this topic. ..interesting read.

P

BrendaChenowyth

And I am sorry you feel that I'm the kind of person you have to apologize to for having experiences that don't match mine?

That is absolutely fine with me, why would it not be?

ardy

you can do this.. jingle your keys and say I am the Driver.. and laugh.. they will all laugh too.. don't worry about someone else. stick too your guns.. yep..

Dee74

I wanted to make clear that my sharing my experience was not an exercise in making other peoples experience 'less valid'.

If you're all good, I'm all good.

All good
D

NewRomanMan

I must be the odd person out here. I've only been sober 2 years, and I have yet to run across a friend or acquaintance who gives me any grief about not drinking. Guess I've just been fortunate. But I won't have any problem telling someone who won't take "no" for an answer that weather or not I drink is no concern of theirs. =)

zjw

i think it comes down to intentions. did you intend to offend? nope. if you inadvertantly did but that was not your intention i'm not sure what you can do about it. i suppose if called out youc an say hey look I'm not trying to offend just stateing my opinoin and leave it at that. everyones entitled to there opinion right or wrong.

But i've been in the same spot as you too too many times.

just last night I mentioned to a friend of mine that he looked like a guy from a funny youtube video i'd seen with how he was dressed. After i said that i was like ugg great i hope i didnt offend him by saying that because that was not my intention at all.

My boss once called me Norm at the bar I guess becasue i was a fat guy drinking my beer kinda like Norm from the show cheers. He thought that was so funny. I'm to this day offended that he said that. Since its no the first time he made fun of me for being fat in one context or another I dont think he inadvertantly made a joke and such. I think he was making fun of me and figured i'd laugh at myself and laugh right along with him. and you know often i will. and perhaps if this very same joke was made by one of my REAL friends i probably would laugh along with it hey maybe even take Norm as a nickname. But becuase it was from this guy it offended me still does. I just leave it lie tho i guess.

BrendaChenowyth

Dee, those other two were not directed at anything you said.

soberlicious

Oh, I've definitely had people not leave it alone when I say "I don't drink".

Me: "Oh, no thanks, I don't drink."
Them: "Never?"
Me: "No, never."
Them: "Like never? Like not even on New Years Eve?!"
Me : "Nope."
Them: "OMG, well what do you do for fun?"
Me: "hahahahaa"

If they are interested I tell them I I have plenty of fun...been skydiving, parasailing, oh and I've run in two naked 5ks with 300 other naked people. When I ask if they'd care to join me on the next Bare Dare, they usually say "OMG I could never do that!" I say, "Really...well, what do you do for fun?" lol I've yet to convince a heavy drinker that drinking is not really considered a hobby.

Aellyce

OMG soberlicious.... you just gave me inspiration to train for a race!

soberlicious

Aellyce...do itttt!!!

Centered3

Thank you everyone who's posted on this thread. :-) Your support has helped me greatly!

Centered3

Thanks, MariahGale. :-)

Yes, that is very true. It's awkward and uncomfortable but I guess it'll just take more practice on my part.

Same here, ThatWasTheOldMe. I think I give unwanted advice because when I was younger, I always wished I had someone(s) to give me advice. But it doesn't matter why I do it, just that I have to keep building on the self-awareness of it and try to stop. That's not me giving you unwanted advice. :-) That's me sharing my journey, lol.

Thanks for saying that. I feel less alone.  I hope it will get better because it’s so embarrassing. As my self-awareness is growing and I simultaneously use the tools I was taught to pause, etc., it’s helping.
Yeah, it’s all about balance, isn’t it.  Thanks, Fini.

Thanks Dave, true, I didn’t relapse. 
Yeah I think a lot of us alcoholics over-analyze....we tend to all think like that.
And just for those reading the thread-- we in AA don't think we're "defected". It's just the way our minds work when we're untreated alcoholics and we turned to alcohol to treat that.
I meant to post that in reply to someone else's thread somewhere recently about that. Bill W uses the word "character defects" but it's really just to describe the things in our personality that causes the alcoholism. It's hard to explain but no worries, we're not beating ourselves up over it. Hoping someone else can explain it better than I'm doing here.

Ah there it was! :-) Trust me I used to get extremely angry during AA meetings when I'd hear the words "defects of character" but it's so not what I thought it meant. Yes, we are human, and humans are not supposed to be perfect. But we can live well and healthy, with healthy thinking and reactions.
Overanalyzing my actions and words gets me into trouble and complicates my life. I do much better when I keep it simple and don't think so much.

OMG Dee I so needed to read this. That's exactly what it was like for me, too. Isn't it funny how we think everyone thought the same way about it that we did?
I'm not sure why I'm not experiencing that yet, but it could be because it's my old friends who are used to me drinking, or new friends of the said old friends.
LOL workin' on it!
I really don't need to tell anyone why or give anyone an explanation. It's really no one's business, is it. I should have just not said anything. I owe nothing to no one. Thanks Dee. :-)

I am going to work on this. It's perfect. What made things even more uncomfortable, was that everyone else there seemed to be listening and waiting for an answer as to why I was making them all uncomfortable with my not joining them for a drink.

Hi Stevie! You're right. I used to drink with her. So yes I'm not comfortable enough to say "I have stopped drinking. Period." I'm not sure why. She does push my buttons sometimes because she reminds me of a sibling. Think I need to do some inventory...
I love this!! You just made me see: why should I say "sorry"? What's to be sorry for? I think I will use "I don't drink" with new people, and "I don't drink anymore" with people who knew me when I drank. :-)
You're absolutely right. I just didn't want a zillion questions or pushiness from her.
I am going to do this. :-) Thank you.
Oh did I ever!! I'm glad I was able to stop talking when I did, lol.

I'm sorry that happened to you behindblueyes. I guess people don't want to look at their own drinking. Misery loves company. Good for you for removing that "friend" from your phone and life.

I actually was genuinely confident when I said it, but I think since it's new for G, and because this other woman and her husband are in wine business, they pushed. And because my not drinking made everyone who was drinking, uncomfortable because they didn't want to look at their own drinking. I was definitely relaxed and secure in my choice, until the wine business lady kept pushing.

Thanks, aasharon. You sound like you're in a very serene place in your sobriety, that's great and I agree with what you say about choices.
I respect your point. Everyone's different. My former sponsor still has wine glasses in her home and will serve wine to guests, while not drinking herself. I don't think I could do that. I admire you for the level you take your sobriety to.
Thank you for sharing. :-)

Centered3

I know what you're saying. If it was a party where everyone was drinking and getting drunk, I wouldn't go. But a book club? Lol I dunno I expected something different... ;-) If they drink again at the first book club, I will probably look to not attend others. It's just not something I choose to be around.

This was interesting. I think I was going by what my former sponsor did, how she's fine serving wine. I don't want to speak for her, but I think she's still very embarrassed about being an alcoholic so she tries her best to normalize the situation. Or maybe something happened to make her feel that way. I'm not sure. But I did always find it puzzling how she wouldn't think twice serving wine to friends or family.

I would have no trouble at all having people over and saying "sorry I don't have wine". I have to think more about this. If someone brought over a bottle of wine for themselves, how would I feel about that. I like your idea of cheese and crackers. The next time someone asks me to bring over a bottle of wine, I am going to have to sit with it and find my truth. Thanks for the food for thought. :-)

Yeah, sobriety for me has been about practicing and learning how to do things differently next time. It's interesting.

I have to think about this more. I'm not sure how much I want to share with some people.

Ha! Lol yeah she's not worth it. I don't care if I "offended" her.

I've actually improved greatly on this "defect", as I learned that no one's opinion of me matters. It was a great light bulb moment I had during recovery. Her opinion didn't matter. It was more the uncomfortability I made this out to be--which is totally on me. :-)

I love this. And I think it truly is the only way to be. We don't need to be around people who don't support us--family member, friend, acquaintance, or otherwise.

They didn't drink last year. So I'm hoping it's a one time thing. I'm going to go one more time and see how I feel. Even if they don't drink, if I still don't feel right in my gut, I'm outta there! I don't need more sick phony friends, I need to continue to grow spiritually. :-)

I don't mind in the least and appreciate as always your sharing your experience, thoughts, and advice. I'm grateful for your support. :-) xoxo

Centered3

I think those who don't want to look at their own drinking are gonna have a problem with my not drinking. Anyone else is like, "Ok. Whatever." My husband's friend who usually drinks wine at dinner didn't say anything when neither of us had any. It was no big deal to him because he's fine with his own drinking. Everyone's replies here are just making me question my friendship with G, which I needed to see. [/QUOTE]

Centered3

OMG thank you for sharing this! lol. I'm not laughing at you but with you. I'm certain 20 or so years ago this was me. Don't worry I'm sure your boss has already forgotten about it.

I hate the babbling. I do it much, much less than I used to, as my self-awareness and "pause" tool have been working much better. Before, I couldn't allow myself to even have the self-awareness, because the self-awareness of the babbling would make me feel even more worse about myself, fill me with shame, embarrassment, self-loathing, self-anger, suicidal idealizations, etc.--it's no wonder I drank! lol. Once I took the emotion out of my babbling, and just stayed factual about it, and learned from it and improved next time, I was much better. Sorta like a living amends.

I love this! I'm writing this down and I'm going to practice it.

I really appreciate your sharing this. My conversation skills suck because I'm always in my head! lol Anxiety kills a conversation very quickly. I wonder how many of us drank because it made it easier to converse. I want to work on improving my conversation skills in sobriety.

That's a great idea, to have them in mind so you don't have to think on the spot. I was thinking I could say "wine gives me migraines" because G knows I get those, but I think I'm going to just keep it simple with what Stevie wrote: "I don't drink anymore" and leave it at that. It's no one's business why, and the next time someone asks, I know it's their problem. That reminds me, there's a girl in my home group who will come right out and say, "Why do you have a problem with my not drinking?"

Thank you! :-)