Centered3

Recently I went to a book club meeting with a friend's neighbors (I don't know any of the other woman because I don't live near them.) This friend is a very heavy drinker. I'll call her G. G has seen me drink before, and still hasn't quite caught on that I don't drink anymore. Sometimes she doesn't say anything when I just have water, and other times she says something. Then there was the birthday card of a woman holding a humongous glass of wine and it said "have a drink on your birthday" or something "funny" like that. I don't feel comfortable telling her I don't drink anymore because she's extremely opinionated/forthright and I just don't want to go there. I figured she was smart enough to catch on but she hasn't yet. And I'm sure she doesn't want my not drinking to force her to look at her own drinking.

At the book club, I brought a bottle of wine to bring for the host. I was fine buying it, fine driving with it in my car, (I never drank and drove but there's always that YET), fine giving it to the host, etc. Who knows maybe I would've been fine having it in my house but I wasn't in the mood to tempt fate yet.

All the ladies were standing around in the kitchen and the host gave everyone a wine glass. She poured wine in everyone's glass. I was happy because she seemed to genuinely like the wine I chose. When she was going to give me some, I smiled and said "no thanks" very calmly and politely. I was amazed at my lack of anxiety. Everyone just stood there staring at me. She said, "Aren't you going to have any?" And again I just smiled and calmly said, "No thanks." She looked at me like I had three heads and said, "But Centered, you brought the wine" basically pointing out that I was breaking some humongous rule of etiquette and was offending her and everyone else.

My friend G pipped in, "Oh Centered likes white wine" (well that wasn't exactly true but okay). But when offered that instead, I said, "No thanks, I'll just have water." You could hear a pin drop.

I thought everything was fine once we all sat down to discuss books. But then the woman sitting across from me, started to really push about why I wasn't drinking any wine. Didn't I know it was good for me? Not even one glass? Research has shown that drinking wine every day is good to prevent Alzheimer's! She said her husband is a health professional and that they just recently gave a talk about the health benefits of drinking wine daily.

I completely forgot that they own a wine business of some sort. I started to get anxious. All the serenity, calmness, contentedness went right out the window. Whenever I get anxious, I start to babble. My therapist explained why I do this, but I'm not sure I got it. Something to do with being uncomfortable with my feelings and wanting them to go away. And something to do about caring too much about someone else's feelings.

I started to babble about all the health effects of drinking too much, how wine is basically sugar and empty calories, how you can get the same health benefits by eating grapes, and that wine was not a health food. I also said something about how many times those "studies" are paid for by the wine industry. I went on to say that many women can't "just have 1 glass of wine". I didn't mean to insult her, but she was pretty stunned, although she smiled through it. My tone of voice was not arrogant, angry, or know-it-all, but it was very anxious and babbly --and unexpected. It was as if I had to explain myself. I don't have to explain myself to anyone.

I am extremely embarrassed to say the least. And disappointed in myself for starting out so good, and then ruining it horribly. I was very anxious the rest of the visit because I could not believe I said all of those things and basically insulted her and her husband's business.

When oh when will I be comfortable in the uncomfortability? When will I stop caring about making others comfortable?

Does anyone else have this "caring about other people's feelings too much" and "babbling due to anxiety of one's own feelings of uncomfortablity"? How do I resolve it?

Ariesagain

Actually, I really admire you not only for standing up for yourself but for refuting some of the wine industry ******** about the supposed health benefits of wine. That took guts, especially as nervous as you were. And yes, I babble too...but usually I let myself get steamrolled and then go into silent ineffective seethe mode instead. So good for you!

As for wine/Mrs. Doctor lady...so you don't drink. What exactly is her damage?
Shame on her.

You're not the one who should be ashamed right now!

paulokes

Genuinely if I go out I am not bothered by drink anymore. I can be bothered by self-consciousness...especially of the "everyone else is drinking and I'm not" variety

It's OK I think. Nobody died!

What was the book? Did you enjoy it?

P

soberlicious

I think you handled it just fine. I am very opinionated, so that woman should consider herself lucky she didn't come upon the likes of me. I wouldn't be mean or anything, but I love debate and I would have enjoyed shredding her.

Absolutely yes, I used to. In fact, I was plagued by this for most of my life. Other's opinions of me were so important, it was crippling for me. The worry, the self-doubt, the embarrassment...it's like a huge stifling weight that colored most of my responses/interactions with others. Being consumed by other's opinions is exhausting and created an overall sense of anxiety for me all the time.

Well, I did a lot of one/one therapy. I had to unlearn the babbling and defending myself (not easy, but doable with practice). I started to embrace quiet confidence. I started to not just believe that I didn't have to defend myself, but to act accordingly. That meant not having to defend myself entailed actually not going on to defend myself in many situations. Not to be flippant, but I stopped giving a sh*t. By that I don't mean completely, I mean I'm not a sociopath with no regard to other's feelings, but honestly I had to begin filtering whose opinions mattered to me and whose didn't deserve my time/effort/thought. I found out it was far fewer people than I once believed.

Hang in there, centered...you're doing great

BrendaChenowyth

I've been hearing too many stories like this. So when someone starts a thread asking what they should say when their friends push them to drink, and everyone chimes in with "No one's gonna push you to drink, only alcoholics care whether you drink or not"? Actually that's not true.

And everybody knows that book clubs are just excuses for women who want to drink wine with friends and don't want to go to bars.

Centered3

Aries,
I really appreciated this reply. Thank you so much.

Centered3

I didn't ask what I should say. I was merely sharing an experience I had looking for support and feedback.

Not all book clubs are like you described. I specifically searched for a book club that wasn't like that. They only had wine at this one (I'm assuming) because it was the pre-book club meeting.

Centered3

Thanks Paul. I think you're right--it was the self-consciousness of it all which was fine until that one woman started really pushing.

I like this: :-)

We were choosing books. So it was like a pre-book club meeting. I doubt there will be wine at the future meetings but that will be something I'll have to see how I feel about.

MariahGayle

You are fine centered....it should be them embarrassed for pushing the matter. Don't give it a second thought!

Centered3

Thank you. :-) I'm trying to be less opinionated as a living amends.

I didn't think other's opinions of me were important anymore, but it's more that she made me so uncomfortable. Plus I don't want all that attention of being odd-woman-out.

I really like everything you said here. I'm going to print it out and try to work on it with my therapist. Thank you.

Thank you! :-) I really appreciate that, as it helps me be more open here on SR with support like that.

BrendaChenowyth

I could see that.

My point was, that there are a lot of threads that pop up on this forum where people are asking for advice how to tell people why they aren't drinking. The person asking (NOT YOU) is often made to feel their concern isn't valid. But it is. People don't just take no for an answer and move on. These situations are difficult for a person who has just quit drinking.

ThatWasTheOldMe

I can currently completely relate to this. I need to stop worrying about others opinions of me, whether or not I've offended them in social interactions (I sometimes give unwanted advice with the best of intentions but **** people off doing so) and focus on myself and staying sober, garnering employment, and rebuilding my life around my dream - going back to school to pursue further education in physics without financial burden or stress.

fini

C3,
i've babbled, here and there
it gets better as your confidence increases. you did fine wuth a woman who was clearly OTT pushy!

as for your question re when you will stop caring about making others comfortable......never,i hope!
it can be done with grace and is something i admire in others who can do it so seemingly effortlessly. though i'm sure it takes effort.
and not to confuse caring about others' comfort with being a doormat or a pushover....quite the opposite, really.

Dave42001

You did great because you didn't drink!

I over antialize myself all the time, it's just the way I'm programmed, one of my defects..

Great job if you ask me!!

ThatWasTheOldMe

You're not defective. You're human. Over analyzing your actions and words is a sign of compassion and empathy.

Dee74

I've babbled in the past. I had great mental essays on why I didn't drink anymore.

Nearly everytime I could see my audiences eyes clouding over.

I made the mistake of thinking that everyone was obsessed with drinking as much as I was.

Outside of old drinking buddies and some family that's not been the case.

Overwhelmingly I've found people just don;t care if I drink or not.

Maybe thats because I'm older and more wilful than I presume Centrered is, and I just don't care what people think of me anymore,

Maybe it's because I'm obviously disabled, maybe news of my past precedes me, maybe I'm lucky...

or maybe it's because the only thing I ever say these days is no thanks.

It's really hard to make an issue out of that - if you can resist the urge to babble.

If I was ever pressed like Centered was, I'd probably say something like 'nah just a coke will be fine...now whaddya say we get down to the book?'

I'm sorry if it doesn't match your experience Brenda - I hope others responses may be useful to you....but it's my experience and it's the only experience I have to share

D

stevieg46

Hi C 3 .

Being comfortable and feeling comfortable in any given situation takes time , you do not come over as comfortable with G as yet, she pushes your buttons , you were offered a drink of wine and no thanks was not enough cos G butted in

''I DON'T DRINK '' is much easier , simpler , not ''sorry but I don't drink '' or I used to drink > no ''full stop '' >>>> I do not drink so be comfortable with that .

Think its time to just tell your friend G I have stopped drinking end of story .

If you go to book club again ? take a bottle of water and if asked again ''no thanks I don't drink '' no explanations are due to anyone .

You probably made yourself feel uncomfortable going on and on about the wine trade ! so learn from it .

Regards Stevie
Recovered 12 03 2006

behindblueyes

This is me lately. I get so much grief for not drinking. I just posted last week that 2 of my friends criticized me for not just coming and sitting at a bar and "not drinking" and made me feel horrible because I said no thanks just like you. I had to embarrass myself and tell one I am a newly-sober alcoholic and can't just sit by people with bottles all around me. This was after she pushed 3 times and i politely said no. That friend got upset by my reaction and has been removed from my phone and life.

Aellyce

If anything, I tend to have the opposite issue... caring too little what others think about me and what I do. I do appreciate criticism though, especially if it is presented in a constructive, helpful way. In any case, my journey with this over time has been more in the opposite direction: learning to care about others' feelings and input more. Learning to make decisions considering external factors and opinions. For me it's led to better, more satisfying choices and less isolation and I'm fine with where I am with it now. The one area where it's always been a bit different for me is my education and professional life, but even there I care about and seek out more input mostly because I want to feel aligned with my own standards. But the thing is to choose wisely whose opinions and influence we listen and respond to, in every area of life, I think. Choose positive influences and try not to let the negative ones get to us very much. Be selective.

As for the not drinking, my experience has been pretty much like Dee's. Yes, sometimes people do push or are curious, but I don't really have an issue with a simple no or saying I don't drink without further explanation. I am sure the fact that I'm not usually pestered more boils down to an outwardly generally confident demeanor to some extent. I believe, for me, this attitude goes back to my early childhood when I was bullied by other kids a lot and learned to detach myself from it and not to allow attacks. Bullies tend to target those that seem vulnerable, insecure etc. I would imagine that those who try to persuade others to drink or inquire too much about why someone does not drink would also mostly avoid bothering someone who comes across relaxed and secure in their choices.

aasharon90

For a good while now, I choose not to do
things in my life that make me more anxious,
more the center of attention, more worried,
stressed or ruffle my serenity feathers.

Learning to remain sober, happy, content,
honest etc, learning new healthier ways today,
avoiding situations that would put my resolve
to remain sober know matter what, is a huge
task in itself to achieve on a daily bases.

Today my life is simple, fun with less of
those stressors that would normally keep
me unhealthy. I don't necessary stay isolated
from the world because I do have to get out
to shop for food, looking for that perfect
lovely plant and flowers for my backyard
gardens and take care of my backyard feathered
friends which does put me smack dab in the
middle of folks.

However, I choose what time to shop,
which is a better, quieter time to not be
bumping into carts, having all those eyes
that maybe admiring my tattoos or not.

What I'm trying to say is, I don't have to
do anything that would put my sobriety
in jeopardy. That would get me to thinking,
man I wish I had that drink now. I can choose
my battles in life. Chose folks I want to be
around. Choices are extremely important
to make if one is to achieve success in recovery
and life.

Today, I am not called to attend wine parties,
go to clubs where folks are under the influence
of a toxin, family gatherings or work where
gossip is easily started, etc.

I will not and choose not to go buy a bottle
of poison that is only temptation in my hands
no matter how strong of a foundation I live
my life upon, choose not to drive with it in
my car, handle it in any kind of way.

Poison, alcohol has no business being
in my life any longer which includes people,
places or thinks linked to it.

Of course this is my own experiences,
strength and hopes I share.