lillyknitting

Old habits die hard. I don't know what possessed me. Getting ready to go out with friends last night, old habits die hard, my first thought was mmm get a little drinky whilst am getting ready. I always used to do this. Oh well, I thought, no drink in the house at all I will have to go without. It won't kill me, I'll be fine.

Before I got to my friend's house I stopped off at the local supermarket to buy some vodka. This I had firmly justified in my mind as perfectly acceptable; just a little one before one goes out is perfectly harmless and downright normal and , well, everyone does it. I walked through the wine section! Ugh no not wine, yuk ( this from the mind of someone who has poured an ocean of wine down her neck). Oh no, not red , red is just sooo vile😂😂 again Utterly laughable. I stood there in front of the array of different vodkas, one for £17, mmm bit expensive, a flavoured one, omg that used to be my favourite £20 no too expensive; this one? That one? I just couldn't make up my mind. Then suddenly a customer came up quite sort of youngish, sort of good lookingish, quite confidentish, chatting away to his partner/girlfriend "which one do you want raspberry or vanilla?" Almost as if I had been transported to this lovely, good looking, trendy, glamorous world totally of my imagination; there I was, pretty, beautiful, at a party where everyone was beautiful an d sipping their desired aperitif. Then suddenly he reached for the vanilla, and snap I was back in the store, still stands there, still deliberating this life-enhancing decision when that's it, yes, I'll have the vanilla.

I put the bag in the boot of my car. Drove to collect my friends and off we went. No one the wiser. Not another thought about it. Had a very nice evening. Drank sparkling water. Went home. Happy in the knowledge that I was sober, felt wonderful in fact knowing I would wake up hangover free and feeling great. Yet, what Lily are you thinking about buying the vodka?!?!?

The very first thought when I woke up this morning was: take the vodka back. Thank God I didn't have any, thank God. I don't need it. Take it back.

I did I took it back and am soooo pleased. I just bought some bits and pieces of shopping and feel so grateful that I did that.

When will this thinking ever leave me. Thank you for listening my sr friends. Xxx

soberandhonest

That is a great post! Nice job on taking the vodka back. Your description of being in the supermarket was fantastic!

Bird615

I still might get those thoughts sometimes, but I always make myself look at the reality. It's never just one drink for me. Or even 2. Or 3. It's all or nothing.

It took me a while, first to convince myself of that and then fully accept it as reality. I also work a program of recovery, but when I still have the occasional thought that a drink would be okay, I quickly recall all the other times in detail when I thought a drink would be great and exactly how that ended up. The awful hangovers, the mess, the remorse and guilt and shame.

So far that has always worked to change my mind; I don't want that anymore and it keeps me grateful for my sobriety.

RecklessEric

Good for you.
Imagine how you'd feel today if you'd drank.
You'd be so angry with yourself.

PhoenixJ

fini

lilly,
great that you didn't drink it and took it back.

now....what to do about the thinking and process that took you to the store and convinced you to buy it in the first place? with the intention of drinking it?

lillyknitting

If I knew the answer to that it would have saved me from years of misery x

Dee74

I'm really glad you did that Lillyknitting

I'll try a slightly different question - why do you think the AVs become so active again lately?

I think there must be at least some reasons you can guess at?

D

fini

i don't know you and what ways you've used so far, but looking at your info under your name, you've been working on this for a long time and here on SR, and i'm thinking it's time to get on a different path if the ones you've been on all these years still have you get this close.

don't get me wrong: it's awesome you dumped it. and real scary you spent all that time in the obsessive irrational place and acted on it through the process of deliberating which one to get, bypassing any deliberation of whether to buy or not , finding yourself firmly entrenched in the decision without seemingly makingit.
i spent a lot if time there, in that place.

lillyknitting

It obviously still holds some magic for me then? After all the negatives I have endured something deep down inside of me still either believes in its power or would like to get back some of that which was magical at some times (all totally unreal, really).
I do hold some belief that it must have something going for it as its imbibed by so many millions, albeit all the negatives! And still a legal drug, again, even though its cost to nations is catastrophic.

HTown

Yes, something must still appeal to you. That there is something magic there as you put it. That is a false belief. That is your addicted brain speaking. Your rational mind knows it is not good, but your addiction/habit is calling to you. It just is not true. Your life is endangered using alcohol, it is so bad for our bodies. It is a waste of money and time. You deserve so much more from life! Don't be a sheep and follow along wherever your habit leads you. What do you want out of life? Write it down. How acheivable are those things drunk? You can lose so many days as one folds into the next drinking.

Jojay

Don't give in to temptation.Many years ago,I remember seeing a house-keeping tip on cleaning tarnished silver jewelery and ornaments etc.It was to dip it in vodka!That stuck in my mind...If it can melt corrosive debris from silver,imagine what is doing to the human body.Gin also.My poison was cider.Thought I was safe with that.Nooo.

Ariesagain

What I admire most about this story is that you not only didn't drink the vodka, you had the courage to return it. I would have been far too shy and embarrassed to even think of that as a possibility.

If you can do that, you can kick it to the curb altogether.

I believe in you.

Jojay

Returning unwanted goods to a store isn't scary,Ariesagain.

fini

hm...i'm wondering if you've checked out AVRT?
there are lots of threads about this tool/technique farther down in the 'secular connections' forum.
it will help with deconstructing crazuy thinking.

for myself, i ended up in a place where i seemingly made choices without choosing. where rationally, there was no appeal left, yet somehow i couldn't NOT go drink after deciding not to.

the fact that it appeals to millions....so what? i did use an argument similar to this, though, in my beginning sobriety: since hundreds of thousands of a..holes can do this, so can i!!
well, there was more swearing in it than that!

Ariesagain

Maybe not to you?

Jojay

Definately not for me,regardless of whatever goods I was returning.Store workers truely do not require an explaination.Just the receipt for the unopened bottle of vodka...

lillyknitting

Thank you everyone for your replies and support, it means a lot to me. Went to a very beautiful lunch today for my husband's birthday, there were 14 of us family today at a gorgeous restaurant. I didn't drink, I didn't want to drink, I felt strong in my decision. Maybe it's to do with the company , I do feel more secure amongst family than down the pub with friends; albeit a lot of them are pretty regular boozers. Some had hangovers from the night before,😂 That definitely would have been me a few years ago. Mostly though people had a little drink with no problem but a couple were a bit squiffy. If it was back in my boozing days I w definitely have been drunk and would definitely not have remembered the whole day and would definitely have a hangover the next day with all the accompanying remorse and guilt.

As we drove home my daughter said to me, I just don't know how they drink like that and then get up for work tomorrow. I know, I've been there and this is better.

August252015

This story is scary (and in GA no store would accept alcohol returns!)....I am glad you didn't drink of course and hope you use this as motive to look at what's going on underneath the surface actions.

Good luck.

lillyknitting

They changed it without problem at all. She even asked if I wanted a straight cash back return or a credit note to spend further in the store. I opted for cash back but went on to shop & ended up spending more on shopping etc that was fine by me x