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All alone... Still sober

Old 01-17-2017, 10:44 AM
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All alone... Still sober

God has this been rough. I'm in therapy getting the help I need. My wife still won't talk to me. She's been staying at her parent's house with my children. Said she would never keep my children from me and then tells me I can't have them for the weekend. I've seen them a total of 5 minutes. The only contact I have with them is on their phones when I call to say goodnight.

I want my children in their home but she won't stay if I'm here. I proposed an idea where she gets the house with the kids on the 6 days I work and I stay at my Mom's house. Then, on my 3 days off I get the house with the kids and she stays at her parent's house. We're going to try and hash out the details this Friday. I miss her sooooo bad. I want us to be a family again. I want to go to marriage counseling, but she flat out refuses. I'm praying after 30 days, she'll at least agree to that.

For those that know me, I'm still doing my thing but I started going to meetings now too
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Old 01-17-2017, 10:46 AM
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Glad to hear you are seeking outside help Mester and meetings sound like a good idea. What you are doing now is the key to mending the fences some day - there are no guarantees of course but you are doing all the right things.
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Old 01-17-2017, 10:46 AM
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Forgive me, and you don't have to answer. What had happened that she felt the need to get away?
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Old 01-17-2017, 10:54 AM
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We got into a huge argument. I said some really mean things. I've been a huge ******* these past couple of months. It's all on me. My therapist pretty much called me out on all my BS and it dropped me to my knees. I only wish my wife was there because then she would've seen how much he opened my eyes to see how mean I've been lately
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Old 01-17-2017, 12:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Mester View Post
We got into a huge argument. I said some really mean things. I've been a huge ******* these past couple of months. It's all on me. My therapist pretty much called me out on all my BS and it dropped me to my knees. I only wish my wife was there because then she would've seen how much he opened my eyes to see how mean I've been lately
Is it fair to say that your therapist held you accountable for your actions and that's what brought you to your knees? (just curious).

I don't mettle in relationship stuff, but I'm very glad to hear you're still sober.
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Old 01-17-2017, 12:27 PM
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Well done for sticking with both your sobriety and your marriage. I really hope all this really hard work is laying a really good foundation for the future. Don't give up hope.
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Old 01-17-2017, 12:33 PM
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Mester, I was in exactly the same boat as you are now. As much as you want your wife back and your family in tact, you have to face the possibility that she may not come back. It may truly be over. But you cannot let that derail your sobriety or your recovery. There is nothing worse than having to look over the near horizon and realize that as much as we want something, sometimes it just doesn't happen. But you have kids that need you now. Focus on becoming the best man you can be (regardless of what happens with your marriage). Maybe not what you wanted to hear, but I've been thru it, too. It's hell, but you can stay sober thru this.
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Old 01-17-2017, 01:02 PM
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Originally Posted by thomas11 View Post
Is it fair to say that your therapist held you accountable for your actions and that's what brought you to your knees? (just curious).

I don't mettle in relationship stuff, but I'm very glad to hear you're still sober.
Yes and no. I've held my own actions accountable. He figured out my personality in 5 mins to a T and that dropped me to my knees
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Old 01-17-2017, 01:15 PM
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I'm sorry and prayers to you and your family
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Old 01-17-2017, 02:18 PM
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You must prove that you can be trusted and the only way to do that is to get a program and stay sober. I suggest putting your entire focus on that.
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Old 01-17-2017, 02:41 PM
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Originally Posted by Mester View Post
I want us to be a family again. I want to go to marriage counseling, but she flat out refuses. I'm praying after 30 days, she'll at least agree to that.
Can you guarantee your wife that you are finally done with the drinking? Judging from your tone on the forums, you're probably not that bad of a guy when you stay away from the drink. Your wife probably knows this.

Soberlicious asked you a similar question in your other thread -- about imposing a zero tolerance policy on yourself, much like your job does. Imagine being "on the clock" at all times.

You mentioned a PBT device for testing yourself before driving. If you don't drink, you wouldn't need to test yourself. Wouldn't it be nice not to need that PBT at all?

Zero Tolerance Policy -
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Old 01-17-2017, 03:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Algorithm View Post
Can you guarantee your wife that you are finally done with the drinking? Judging from your tone on the forums, you're probably not that bad of a guy when you stay away from the drink. Your wife probably knows this.

Soberlicious asked you a similar question in your other thread -- about imposing a zero tolerance policy on yourself, much like your job does. Imagine being "on the clock" at all times.

You mentioned a PBT device for testing yourself before driving. If you don't drink, you wouldn't need to test yourself. Wouldn't it be nice not to need that PBT at all?

Zero Tolerance Policy -
I'm a Police Officer. I use the PBT for drunk drivers. Use it on myself so I never drive if my BAC is anything over 0.0
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Old 01-17-2017, 03:29 PM
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And to answer your question, Yes! I AM DONE! I know I can't drink. I spent 4 years sober before I went back out. Started slowly. Handled it well. Thought I could do it. I was wrong. Took about 2 months before I was back into full blown alcoholism. I binged on my days off. Never drank on the days I worked
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Old 01-17-2017, 07:19 PM
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"I AM DONE", fantastic , congratulations on your decision.
The next statement isn't true though " I know I can't " , you can, I can ,anyone can. It isn't just a semantic difference to say 'I don't drink' as opposed to 'I can't drink'. The fact that the latter isn't true is what makes it ammo for the AV. The former knocks the AV out of the equation.
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Old 01-17-2017, 09:46 PM
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Even if your current wife never comes back to you, if you stay sober you'll be better equipped to start again. Don't invest too much in sunk costs like memories of this woman whose actions you can't control.
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Old 01-17-2017, 10:24 PM
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You can't rush time...

All things change.

Hang in there. You are building the foundation for the castle. That's a really big job...
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Old 01-18-2017, 01:25 PM
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Originally Posted by SnazzyDresser View Post
Even if your current wife never comes back to you, if you stay sober you'll be better equipped to start again. Don't invest too much in sunk costs like memories of this woman whose actions you can't control.
Easier said than done. 18 years and 3 kids. I miss her so much. I have to stay sober for them. I will stay sober for them.
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Old 01-18-2017, 02:13 PM
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I appreciate your posts, Mester. You've helped me see the other side of the coin a little clearer. When I left my long term marriage with the kids to go to my parents after my XAH said terribly hurtful things (not the for the first time) while drunk and his actions had been beyond intolerable for any form of a constructive family life for far too long, I did not want to see or speak to him. I used a family member for his visitations with the kids. I not only wanted him to get and stay sober but work on his emotional well being. Our relationship had become so distorted with the drinking, bad behavior and lies, it was no longer healthy ..... for either one of us. I was asking for time to sort out my own feelings and I felt a lot of pressure from him to just come home. Which, ultimately pushed me further, maybe self preservation, I still don't know. We had been down the same road one too many times. The way you describe it I can see you are hurting, love your family and truly miss them. The feeling is mutual. My silence, for me, was a result of the pain, horrible actions, in-actions, and broken promises. I had tried every way to communicate how bad I was hurting while he was drinking, when I felt like I had nothing left. I needed the time and to be told that he understood and respected me enough to give me that time. I also deserved to be shown in actions that our lives would be improved for the better before I would have been willing to move forward. Words and promises fell on deaf ears after I had taken the steps to leave. He was unable and/or unwilling to do any of those for me. Just thought a part of my story may help you know what questions to ask yourself and your wife in order to open some line of communication based on both of your needs going forward and setting some boundaries.

My .02 would be at this stage maybe communicating that you acknowledge that you've hurt her and "our" children deeply. You are working on yourself and respect that she may need time for you to show her that you are willing to show her your changed behavior with positive actions that put your family unit first and foremost. Until then, the ball is in her court.

Peace to you, Mester.
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Old 01-18-2017, 04:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Gm0824 View Post
I appreciate your posts, Mester. You've helped me see the other side of the coin a little clearer. When I left my long term marriage with the kids to go to my parents after my XAH said terribly hurtful things (not the for the first time) while drunk and his actions had been beyond intolerable for any form of a constructive family life for far too long, I did not want to see or speak to him. I used a family member for his visitations with the kids. I not only wanted him to get and stay sober but work on his emotional well being. Our relationship had become so distorted with the drinking, bad behavior and lies, it was no longer healthy ..... for either one of us. I was asking for time to sort out my own feelings and I felt a lot of pressure from him to just come home. Which, ultimately pushed me further, maybe self preservation, I still don't know. We had been down the same road one too many times. The way you describe it I can see you are hurting, love your family and truly miss them. The feeling is mutual. My silence, for me, was a result of the pain, horrible actions, in-actions, and broken promises. I had tried every way to communicate how bad I was hurting while he was drinking, when I felt like I had nothing left. I needed the time and to be told that he understood and respected me enough to give me that time. I also deserved to be shown in actions that our lives would be improved for the better before I would have been willing to move forward. Words and promises fell on deaf ears after I had taken the steps to leave. He was unable and/or unwilling to do any of those for me. Just thought a part of my story may help you know what questions to ask yourself and your wife in order to open some line of communication based on both of your needs going forward and setting some boundaries.

My .02 would be at this stage maybe communicating that you acknowledge that you've hurt her and "our" children deeply. You are working on yourself and respect that she may need time for you to show her that you are willing to show her your changed behavior with positive actions that put your family unit first and foremost. Until then, the ball is in her court.

Peace to you, Mester.
My story almost to the T. Though I realize my bad behavior and how bad I treated her and I am getting the help. I just pray it's not too late. Thank you so much
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Old 01-18-2017, 05:10 PM
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Hello Mester,

I am really glad you have decided to pursue a sober life. That is great news!

I am 'from the other side', if you will. Addiction runs in my family like a thread through the generations. How I am not an addict is beyond my ability to explain.

I know that you are in pain right now over the break up of your family, but I wanted to share a bit about how it may have been from your wife's perspective. This may be painful to you, and for that I am sorry--truly.

Of your 18 years of marriage, you were sober for only 4, is that correct? Your wife has experienced it all and still stayed in the marriage the whole time. Even if you were never angry or violent or verbally abusive, your wife and children did not have a present husband and father, and probably lived with a great deal of chaos.

Then, she finally had a sober husband for 4 years!

Lately, however, she has been watching you return to the drink, slowly but surely, over what you describe as a few months. How many is a few? 10 or 36? It is hard to put into words how much anguish it is for us to watch our loved ones relapse after a period, any period of time, sober.

Then you try sobriety again, only this time--you are angry. Have you been angry before? Have you been demeaning, critical, verbally abusive?

And you are a trained police officer. An angry trained police officer. There is a gun in the house, and you do know how to use it. She was probably more afraid than she has ever been.

She made the decision to protect her children--that is her first priority. She does not want them to have to live with angry, hateful words or threats and fear of violence. She does not want them to grow up in chaos any longer.

At this point, I would harbor a guess that she does not trust your words--at all. She is exhausted, stressed, afraid, and she needs some space and time on her own to make her own decision about what will be best for her and your children.

I hope and pray that you will continue on this road of recovery. I hope that you will allow your wife the time and space she needs without pressuring her. She gave you 18 years--surely you can give her this time.

You and your wife and your children will be in my prayers. I really do wish you the best of luck. You deserve a happy, peaceful, and sober life. We all do...

Peace to you,
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