Blankspace87

I was intruigued by someone's comment in my earlier thread which challenged "friends or drinking buddies"?. It's made me think, and wonder.

I do feel like there are some friends who contribute more to my drinking. Specifically, I have been having an affair for several years. I am starting to realise my drinking began to escalate at the time this affair started. The individual concerned is the individual I consume the most alcohol with. They are also the reason I drink to forget. I am very ashamed of my behaviour, and I'm starting to realise I need to quit BOTH, not just either/or. If you want to judge me, then fine. There is nothing hurtful you can say that I haven't already applied to myself.

Does anyone else have similar experiences or found their friendship groups significantly alter when they cut down or stopped drinking? How did you manage through this transition.

tomls

That is something I had to do for sure. People, places and things.

ScottFromWI

True friends will support your decision to quit drinking. Drinking Buddies will most likely not. It's pretty easy to figure out the difference between the two, but difficult decisions must be made if you plan on quitting for good. I had to change my environment and also end relationships with some of the folks I knew.

Dropsie

Sounds like both would do you good -- guilt is big load.

Will be hard, but sounds worth it.

August252015

Very relatable.

I would not have had the affair I did if I had not been drinking and in complete alcoholic mindset. My role in the whole thing is definitely something I addressed in my step 4.

I associated with the "wrong" people, places and practices for a long time. Not reprobates and dregs but folks who enabled, encouraged, justifies etc my alcoholism. Most were (are) other alcoholics.

Now I have a ruthlessly cultivated group of friends- and a boyfriend also in recovery- with whom I surround myself. Every single one is a positive participant in my life and their own and supports my sobriety. Luckily my family is more than supportive- they are wildly grateful.

Everything and everyone comes after my sobriety, period. And my life is full of great people.

cejay

Hey OP,

I had an emotional affaire in my marriage. When mine ended, it was pretty weird and I ended up telling my wife. I felt pretty relieved not to have to sneak around anymore. Though we had to clean that up.

We divorced later after she paid me back with a physical affaire, unrelated, circumstances.

I kept drinking for a while and I moved countries after the separation so I lost friends that way.

After a some post divorce, failed relationships I decided I'd hit bottom and quit drinking. My old friends still drink/drank the way I did and I parted ways with most of them. I travel alot so it wasn't just distance, I just didn't have much in common with them.

I have no regrets about it all. I have new friends, and acquaintances and plenty of them. We have shared interests that aren't drinking related (though several are in a program but not all of them).

It was pretty automatic, there wasn't much to "manage." I seem to attract sober people. I have zero regrets about quitting drinking. I can drink any time I want to, I just don't want to.

Be careful with that ass kicking machine. Some ass kicking is likely justified, but we tend to be pretty hard on ourselves and then justify continuing to use/numb/whatever. Its a vicious cycle.

There are tons of resources available to help you with the affair and drinking if you want them.

Hope that helps a bit.

CJ.

BrendaChenowyth

I was having an emotional affair with an older married man, also an alcoholic.. When my drinking ceased, and the haze cleared, the situation looked completely different to me, the absurd impropriety of it made me so disgusted that I couldn't physically tolerate being around him, it was making me sick.. And no longer being an active addict, his classic behavior really rubbed me the wrong way, cause I could now see so clearly what I had been!

When I did get sober, at first I didn't know how to relate to people, but gradually I have learned that I need female friends to confide in and have fun with. I used to think I got along with men better, but that was because we would drink and be intimate and then drift apart, that was easier, I thought.

gaffo

After 5 years of sobriety I have lost a whole social world. Without the bong and the fridge full of beer there just isn't that much reason for many of my old friends to come and visit me anymore. Maybe I'm just being naive but I don't think that all of them made a conscious decision to do this, it just organically happened. It wasn't that fun to hang out with drunk people when I wasn't a drinker. I suppose the feeling was mutual.

Splash29

I've lost relations with close cousins who don't want to hang out with me sober. I guess it makes sense. Alcohol runs in families.

paulokes

My friendships have definitely changed since I stopped drinking. I find I am less concerned with some surface relationships I used to try to maintain, I am drawn to different types of friendship and I am far less inclined to maintain friendships that have an element of drama or 'hard work'. That's probably the opposite of how things used to be...FOR ME, looking back the friendships I was most drawn to probably had the highest degree of emotional drama.

As for the other specific question, I became involved in an affair when I was 26 or so. The other person was involved, I was not. The drank heavily so did I. I was adamant for some time that, though there was some chemistry I would not go there. One night I got very drunk and instigated something that became very messy.

There were children involved (hers) and it eventually became the catalyst for the breakdown of her marriage...when we were caught.

This was something I promised myself I would never do. It was very important to me...partly because of my family and what happened in my own early years. So when I drunkenly crossed that line I had to do a little. ..Moral rearrangement I my head.

Without doubt this was a catalyst in my own drinking, things took a turn for the worse and I dined out on the guilt for some time. Though drink itself was one of the primary causes too.

I have more of a conscience now I'm sober. No saint me, but I find I am able to get away with less when I am not drinking to stuff down the emotional consequences. And that's what matters...if I'm sober I can make rational decisions about what kind of life I want to lead...if I make a mistake I can deal with it and I don't make things worse.

Not sure what your own circumstances are but for sure you can make better choices about your friendships if you know for certain that drink is not a factor.

P

Berrybean

I don't suppose it's much of a surprise that when members of AA do their step 4, one of the 4 lists they need to write is one about relationships / the Sex inventory. There won't be judgement on here. Too many of us have walked similar paths. And when we're active in our alcoholism we tend to be pretty adept at manipulating the truth (or just bare faced lying) so alcohokics are pretty good at making affairs possible. Plus, we are constantly seeking escape from things: Responsibility; Life on life's terms; Ourselves; Boredom . Often affairs offer a kind of exciting fantasy life to escape to, where we can act as the person we wish we were - for a while anyway, til our own and the other persons cracks begin to show. Not to mention the physical highs from sex which in itself can be addictive.

Thing is, often just getting sober isn't enough. If we want to challenge our established alcoholic perspective (where we seek comfort from external stuff, and this tends to end up being counterproductive in many ways, as we, as being short term and temporary relief) then we need a plan of recovery. Luckily there's lots of options available for this. Dee's thread has some great links and information about making your plan... http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-plans-1.html

Why settle for sobriety when we can have recovery and learn to love ourselves (and others) again, and deal with life on life's terms with no crutches necessary?

Dee74

The farther I get away from it the easier it is so see who was who.

My real friends are those who supported me, even tho they might not have fully understood why I was changing.

My drinking buddies and I shared a lot over twenty years sure - mostly drunken 'love you man' s - but my real friends have more in common with me than just a shared drive for self destruction.

D