BrendaChenowyth

Steve, why would letting go of the resentments you hold be admitting you were in the wrong? How do you know that?

steve-in-kville

I see what you are saying, and to a point I agree. Its almost like I'd have to train myself not to care about that situation anymore.

Make sense?

EndGameNYC

The thing that makes it work is that you DO care, but you let it go anyway. No pretending required.

BrendaChenowyth

No. In order for me to get closure on the past year of my life - the end of not only a job assignment that gave me purpose, but of multiple relationships around which my life revolved - I had to look at WHAT HAPPENED. Not who did what. Not what happened to me. Just what happened. Okay? I am abundantly clear on that. LoL.

For example, I attracted a married man. I mean I actively engaged him, over a period of a year. This relationships existed outside of my head, its continuity relied on him being open to receive my energy and my advances and he had to entertain them and give me something back. There were TWO participants, without whom, nothing would have had the potential of happening.

Who is to blame? You could say both, but does that serve to provide closure? No. We were both there, we both did wrong. Why? Because we were lonely and both alcoholics, so that meant we were self-centered to the extreme. We gave and took what we needed from each other. Our needs were valid, albeit sickly. The situation wasn't right, but I can't dwell and beat myself up. I'm human. I take lessons, I decide not to do what I did again and I move forward.

He may never move on.. He's still deeply an alcoholic. He's still deep in a troubled marriage. I'm not a factor in his life any more, but that doesn't mean he got resolution. It's none of my business if he blames me. He's free to feel that way. I know nothing of him now. So when I look objectively at the situation, at everything that happened in it, there's no blame to be assigned, there's no one to assign it to me. I'm sure not gonna assign it to myself.

Hope some of this helps, and if not, that's okay, too.

BrendaChenowyth

It's just... train yourself not to care? Well, the energy that brought that relationship to fruition doesn't just disappear, you have to turn it in to something else.... and hopefully something positive and not negative. Like turn it in to a lesson. Find out why you behaved the way you behaved and forgive yourself and move forward. You may never be able to know what was behind someone else's actions, but you can infer that if they did something loving it is because they had love and if they did something to hurt you it was because they were hurting. And forgive. People say forgive and forget, not forget and forgive. You can not simply shut down feelings or will energy away.

Dee74

I read a book called The Shack and it taught me a lot about forgiveness.

“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person's throat......Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established.........Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should they finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation.........Forgiveness does not excuse anything.........You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. And then one day you will pray for his wholeness......”
― William Paul Young, The Shack

BrendaChenowyth

I had that book years ago, got rid of it, got it again two months ago.. I should probably read it sometime. :P

Dee74

I recommend it

D

tomsteve

yup. years of living and thinking the way i did i had to retrain myself.

steve, you've mentioned church, so that means you believe in God. awesome!!

matthew 18:21-35

theres a whole lot more in the bible on forgiveness.
no God
no peace
know God
know peace
resentment is like drinking poison expecting the other person to die.

BrendaChenowyth

Funny how every we're mad at someone in our life, what do we do?

Gottalife

Would self discipline be the answer? It wasn't for me because I always ran out of puff. I was incapable of disciplining myself to not drink.

Resentment is the other important factor. There is no right or wrong about the deed, or the other person. The problem lies in our reation to whatever it is. That may be our part, choosing to hang onto somehting and relive the hurt over and over. That is what damages us, and forgiveness is the answer.

I loved what Dee posted about that and I also recommend The Shack . In my own experience I have forgivien people, but as there was no contrition on their part, I don't trust them and I would not put myself in a position where they could do the same thing again.

steve-in-kville

Our local library has it. Plan to pick it up this evening.

Berrybean

No it wouldn't. We can hand over those justified resentments to our HP and let THEM deal with it, and allow ourselves some serenity rather than punish ourselves for something THEY (whoever they are) did wrong.

I used to let my pride get in the way of my serenity in the past. Not gonna do that any more if I can ever help it. Those resentments (justified or not) are heavy on the heart when we're carrying them around.

I use a Do It Anyway prayer a lot (every day at least once) to help me with this....

God, help me to accept that people may be unreasonable and self-centred. Let me forgive them anyway.
Help me to accept that if I’m kind, people may accuse me of ulterior motives. Let me be kind anyway.
Help me to accept that if I find happiness, people may be jealous. Let me be happy anyway.
Help me to accept that the good I do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Let me do good anyway.
Help me to accept that I may give the world my best, and it may never be good enough. Let me give my best anyway.
God, help me to remember that it is between you and me. It was never between me and them anyway.

Might be worth giving that a go (along with a good old resentment prayer or ten).

God, I have a resentment towards X that I want to be free of.
So I am asking you to give X everything I want for myself.
Help me feel compassion; understanding and love for X.
I pray that X will receive everything they need.
Thankyou for your help and strength with this resentment.

No need to keep poisoning yourself with that resentment.

Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB

steve-in-kville

^^^ I like that, thanks!