Alcoholic wife cheated on me
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Join Date: Jul 2016
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Alcoholic wife cheated on me
My wife is an slcoholic
She drinks enough to black out and cant remember anything
Last wed she went out for spagetti sauce and never came home.she came home thursday and claimed she slept in the car.she was still drunk the next day and started drinking again.well later that night i caught her texting somebody (12 beers into day 2 of her binge)needless to say i was pissed off and said **** it and went to bed.friday i wake up she sleeps until 2 or 3 and wakes up buzzed again-well im not going to let her drink again so i take her to her parents house and we hang out all day
Sat morn we get up and ask her to promise that she didnt cheat on me and she broke down and started crying.she said she was so iut of it she doesnt even know where they were-she remembered waking in the shower with him and passing out-she woke up and she was bleeding from her vagina and he was trying to have sex with her again-she told him no and left
So needless to say saturday didnt go well i am trying to forgive since we have been together for 25yrs and when shes not drinking she isnt like that at all
Well sunday was better-i was able to start getting past it(so i thought).went to bed
Monday i woke up absolutely pissed off
I told her to get out ,yelling etc
Left for woke.came home-shes gone,she comes home about 8:30 drunk as hell.So i called her out on it ,we fight and i say screw it and leave to sleep in motel.Next morning i come home-guess what? Shes gone.so i head to the bar she likes and low and behold shes passed out in the truck with another guy (not ever guy from 1st time)
She let another guy take advantage of her while black out drunk. This time a cop was there.the second the cop left the guy runs like a little bitch and my wife is still drunk. So i take her dumb ass home,drop her off get my stuff and leave.She passes out and sleeps all day and wakes up at like 4 with some serious regret and remotse.Well i tell her we are done.She apologizes and i ask who guy #2 is and she has no idea-doesnt remember his name etc.but i know something happened because she used our bank card for sleezy hourly motel.Well i headed to church to try and gather some guidence.She calls me at 9pm says how sorry she is,admits she has a problem (1st time she ever admitted it)and checked herself into rehab
So now im wondering, am I an idiot for thinking about a 2nd chance?
I hate to throw 25 yrs down the toilet.we have 2 grown kids and a 16 together,been together since i was 17 and she was15 (high school sweethearts)
She has always been faithful up until now
Any thoughts? Should i forgive (ive already told her we are done if she ever touches a drop of booze)
I used to drink with her and seen the blackouts so in my heart i believe that she was that out of it
Not to mention men that like to get women that drunk and have sex with them-IMO those guys are total losers-but i also know my wife is to blame too because she never should have been there in the 1st place.
Look forward to any advice you folks may have for you
She drinks enough to black out and cant remember anything
Last wed she went out for spagetti sauce and never came home.she came home thursday and claimed she slept in the car.she was still drunk the next day and started drinking again.well later that night i caught her texting somebody (12 beers into day 2 of her binge)needless to say i was pissed off and said **** it and went to bed.friday i wake up she sleeps until 2 or 3 and wakes up buzzed again-well im not going to let her drink again so i take her to her parents house and we hang out all day
Sat morn we get up and ask her to promise that she didnt cheat on me and she broke down and started crying.she said she was so iut of it she doesnt even know where they were-she remembered waking in the shower with him and passing out-she woke up and she was bleeding from her vagina and he was trying to have sex with her again-she told him no and left
So needless to say saturday didnt go well i am trying to forgive since we have been together for 25yrs and when shes not drinking she isnt like that at all
Well sunday was better-i was able to start getting past it(so i thought).went to bed
Monday i woke up absolutely pissed off
I told her to get out ,yelling etc
Left for woke.came home-shes gone,she comes home about 8:30 drunk as hell.So i called her out on it ,we fight and i say screw it and leave to sleep in motel.Next morning i come home-guess what? Shes gone.so i head to the bar she likes and low and behold shes passed out in the truck with another guy (not ever guy from 1st time)
She let another guy take advantage of her while black out drunk. This time a cop was there.the second the cop left the guy runs like a little bitch and my wife is still drunk. So i take her dumb ass home,drop her off get my stuff and leave.She passes out and sleeps all day and wakes up at like 4 with some serious regret and remotse.Well i tell her we are done.She apologizes and i ask who guy #2 is and she has no idea-doesnt remember his name etc.but i know something happened because she used our bank card for sleezy hourly motel.Well i headed to church to try and gather some guidence.She calls me at 9pm says how sorry she is,admits she has a problem (1st time she ever admitted it)and checked herself into rehab
So now im wondering, am I an idiot for thinking about a 2nd chance?
I hate to throw 25 yrs down the toilet.we have 2 grown kids and a 16 together,been together since i was 17 and she was15 (high school sweethearts)
She has always been faithful up until now
Any thoughts? Should i forgive (ive already told her we are done if she ever touches a drop of booze)
I used to drink with her and seen the blackouts so in my heart i believe that she was that out of it
Not to mention men that like to get women that drunk and have sex with them-IMO those guys are total losers-but i also know my wife is to blame too because she never should have been there in the 1st place.
Look forward to any advice you folks may have for you
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi Mxdad2003
I'm sorry for what brings you here but I know you'll find support.
I've never been in this situation (I was the alcoholic) so I have no experience to share.
I think though, if you search your heart, you'll know whether you're into giving second chances or not. I don't believe there's any one right answer there - you know your marriage and your wife better than any of us can
I think it's good to set boundaries...not to threaten your partner with, but for both of you to know the lines, when crossed, will mean you'll walk away?
D
I'm sorry for what brings you here but I know you'll find support.
I've never been in this situation (I was the alcoholic) so I have no experience to share.
I think though, if you search your heart, you'll know whether you're into giving second chances or not. I don't believe there's any one right answer there - you know your marriage and your wife better than any of us can
I think it's good to set boundaries...not to threaten your partner with, but for both of you to know the lines, when crossed, will mean you'll walk away?
D
orangutan
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 5,970
Originally Posted by Dee74 
I think it's good to set boundaries...not to threaten your partner with, but for both of you to know the lines, when crossed, will mean you'll walk away?
D
D
I think it would be very wise for your wife to get into some treatment , this is very risky behaviour .
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Join Date: Jul 2016
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She left texas for florida to go to an inpatient rehab for 20-30days
Im headed to therapy myself-this is painful.
I hope this was just rock bottom she needed to seek help
We have 3 great kids but even they dont want her around if shes gonna drink.
Shes always been a good wife
In my heart i feel like those men took advantage of her and it makes me sick to my stomach.
Another part of me feels like a chump for even considering forgiving her.....
Im headed to therapy myself-this is painful.
I hope this was just rock bottom she needed to seek help
We have 3 great kids but even they dont want her around if shes gonna drink.
Shes always been a good wife
In my heart i feel like those men took advantage of her and it makes me sick to my stomach.
Another part of me feels like a chump for even considering forgiving her.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by silentrun
I'm glad she put herself into rehab. That is so bad it very well may have been her wake up call.
Im struggling with trying to forgive her though.i tell myself it was the alcohol
I want to forgive her but the thought of her doing that makes me sick to my stomach
Just hoping it will get better with time
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
Besides the therapy, I'd suggest giving Alanon a try- lots of husbands and wives of alcoholics in there who will understand. For my part, my wife sought outpatient treatment before things got bad.. and I found Alanon helped ease the anger & frustration.. the program work gave me back an easy mind.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Mxdad,
you don't need to decide right now whether to forgive.
too much turmoil, and makes total sense you're unsure.
yes, the guys took advantage. no doubt.
your wife is in rehab and you'll be seeing a therapist. this all sounds like both of you will have some breathing space.
no, you're not an idiot for thinking of second chances.
give yourself time and space and take care of figuring out what your needs are and what your kids need and while she's in rehab i hope you can use the less-drama-days for coming to more clarity.
and you will have a much better idea how serious she is about her own recovery and can make a much saner decision when the immediate situation isn't so drastic.
you don't need to decide right now whether to forgive.
too much turmoil, and makes total sense you're unsure.
yes, the guys took advantage. no doubt.
your wife is in rehab and you'll be seeing a therapist. this all sounds like both of you will have some breathing space.
no, you're not an idiot for thinking of second chances.
give yourself time and space and take care of figuring out what your needs are and what your kids need and while she's in rehab i hope you can use the less-drama-days for coming to more clarity.
and you will have a much better idea how serious she is about her own recovery and can make a much saner decision when the immediate situation isn't so drastic.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by fini
Mxdad,
you don't need to decide right now whether to forgive.
too much turmoil, and makes total sense you're unsure.
yes, the guys took advantage. no doubt.
your wife is in rehab and you'll be seeing a therapist. this all sounds like both of you will have some breathing space.
no, you're not an idiot for thinking of second chances.
give yourself time and space and take care of figuring out what your needs are and what your kids need and while she's in rehab i hope you can use the less-drama-days for coming to more clarity.
and you will have a much better idea how serious she is about her own recovery and can make a much saner decision when the immediate situation isn't so drastic.
you don't need to decide right now whether to forgive.
too much turmoil, and makes total sense you're unsure.
yes, the guys took advantage. no doubt.
your wife is in rehab and you'll be seeing a therapist. this all sounds like both of you will have some breathing space.
no, you're not an idiot for thinking of second chances.
give yourself time and space and take care of figuring out what your needs are and what your kids need and while she's in rehab i hope you can use the less-drama-days for coming to more clarity.
and you will have a much better idea how serious she is about her own recovery and can make a much saner decision when the immediate situation isn't so drastic.
Im going all in the next 20-30 days
Going to men group at church (maximize maness)to work on myself.(started this a while back)
Going to conseling once a week and went to an alanon meeting tonight to help with the drinking side of it(great meeting-should have went to this 3-4 years ago)
Our marriage wasnt bad outside the drinking-not perfect but i was happy when she was sober
Guess alot of it has to do with im 43 and been with her since 17 and she stuck with me when i was doing dumb stuff (big time pot head-2yrs sober) and binge drinking-she was always the voice of sanity telling me to knock my **** off
Im a very loyal person and am praying she doesn't start drinking again-because it wouldnt take much next time-I have aquired a zero tolerance for alcohol
Makes me wonder how its legal to have this crap around-its not any better than any other hard drug (ive tried them all at one point)and you cant go any where hardly that doesnt sell it
Guess the positive side is this has made me and my kids closer than ever(especially my daughters)
I hated to have to tell her mom and dad and sister but didnt want to tell them she was in prison or worse and at that point my wife ws convinced i was the bad guy turning every one against her
What is everybody experience with inpatient rehab centers?
Are they usually successful? Any statistics?
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
The thing is, the rehab can help her GET sober, but that's just the start of it. Hopefully when she comes out, she will have found the willingness to continue the work she has started, and locate local AA meetings, get a sponsor, and keep working on maintaining her sobriety and building on new strategies for dealing with life and feelings. She will likely have a lot of remourse, guilt and shame to work through, which hopefully they'll be working on with her in rehab.
Praying for you both.
Praying for you both.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
Congrats on your own recovery.
This happened to me in 1999, when I had been married for 15 years and then again in 2005.
I suspect that the affair never ended.
I should have gotten divorced in 1999 when the incident first came to my attention, but I thought that divorced represented failure (it does) and my instincts cried out against failure.
I was wrong.
When it came to my attention a few years later in 2005, I viewed the affair as an exit strategy and I cut her loose.
We got divorced in 1 day with good wishes and generosity toward each other in the division of our property.
If I saw her today, we would stop and talk to catch up on our respective lives.
This is my ESH, but your mileage may vary.
This happened to me in 1999, when I had been married for 15 years and then again in 2005.
I suspect that the affair never ended.
I should have gotten divorced in 1999 when the incident first came to my attention, but I thought that divorced represented failure (it does) and my instincts cried out against failure.
I was wrong.
When it came to my attention a few years later in 2005, I viewed the affair as an exit strategy and I cut her loose.
We got divorced in 1 day with good wishes and generosity toward each other in the division of our property.
If I saw her today, we would stop and talk to catch up on our respective lives.
This is my ESH, but your mileage may vary.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
I don't see a need to make a decision right now.
Your feelings may change as you process things.
You may also gain a new perspective throughout your own recovery.
My advice would be to sit with your feelings for a while and not to make any hasty decisions.
Your feelings may change as you process things.
You may also gain a new perspective throughout your own recovery.
My advice would be to sit with your feelings for a while and not to make any hasty decisions.
Catch 22
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: South Africa
Posts: 327
I was that drunk who slept with people while in blackout and remembered nothing the next day. Looking at how you describe your wifes drinking I think there is a pretty good chance that she really did not mean it and probably did not want it. 25 years. I hope you give it a chance.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
More will be revealed in time.
I am going to say something gently. You should make a doctors appointment and get checked for STD's if you have had sex with her. I know it's demeaning and hard to do, but well worth it.
Hugs.
I am going to say something gently. You should make a doctors appointment and get checked for STD's if you have had sex with her. I know it's demeaning and hard to do, but well worth it.
Hugs.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 705
I am sure she hates herself right now. Many are commenting on how she was taken advantage of and I agree. However it is more than that. At blackout drunk, she cannot actually legally consent. The word I am getting at here is "rape."
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She already went to be checked for STD's
She has to go back in a month for another check since there is a window before they show up.it was hard but she did it
I consider it rape as well the more i think about it.-but she put herself there-perhaps thats where my williness to forgive comes in,my wife has been devoted wife and mother and not the type to have sex with someone she doesnt know-and shes always complaining about germs etc.
I wish i could find those guys-i found the one guys number and i did call him and even through the rape word out there but he was like "it wasnt like that" not that he would own up to it anyway-piece of ****
The second guy ran when i showed up and she didnt remember anything
All i know is she was with him and they went to a sleazy by the hour motel (she used my bank card)
It was more important to get her home safe than chase that moron down
Plus after consideration and talking i figure going to prison is not going to do any body any good
She has to go back in a month for another check since there is a window before they show up.it was hard but she did it
I consider it rape as well the more i think about it.-but she put herself there-perhaps thats where my williness to forgive comes in,my wife has been devoted wife and mother and not the type to have sex with someone she doesnt know-and shes always complaining about germs etc.
I wish i could find those guys-i found the one guys number and i did call him and even through the rape word out there but he was like "it wasnt like that" not that he would own up to it anyway-piece of ****
The second guy ran when i showed up and she didnt remember anything
All i know is she was with him and they went to a sleazy by the hour motel (she used my bank card)
It was more important to get her home safe than chase that moron down
Plus after consideration and talking i figure going to prison is not going to do any body any good
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by hopeful4
More will be revealed in time.
I am going to say something gently. You should make a doctors appointment and get checked for STD's if you have had sex with her. I know it's demeaning and hard to do, but well worth it.
Hugs.
I am going to say something gently. You should make a doctors appointment and get checked for STD's if you have had sex with her. I know it's demeaning and hard to do, but well worth it.
Hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 76
Something else is concerning as well
3 weeks ago she was out with the girls and some guy was getting handsy with her friends and she stepped in-this ******* punched her so hard she had a black eye and her whole side of her face was bruised (she had other bruises on her arms and stuff as well)but since then she really stepped up her game in the drinking dept
I asked why they didnt call the police or nobody in the bar said anything (texas is pretty conservative state)she said they just left
Story doesnt make sense to me
If i saw a man punch a women in a public place i would say something
I like to believe most people would???
3 weeks ago she was out with the girls and some guy was getting handsy with her friends and she stepped in-this ******* punched her so hard she had a black eye and her whole side of her face was bruised (she had other bruises on her arms and stuff as well)but since then she really stepped up her game in the drinking dept
I asked why they didnt call the police or nobody in the bar said anything (texas is pretty conservative state)she said they just left
Story doesnt make sense to me
If i saw a man punch a women in a public place i would say something
I like to believe most people would???
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Originally Posted by Darwinia
I was that drunk who slept with people while in blackout and remembered nothing the next day. Looking at how you describe your wifes drinking I think there is a pretty good chance that she really did not mean it and probably did not want it. 25 years. I hope you give it a chance.
Makes me thing that she does deserve a send (technically 3rd)chance
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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I think stop focusing on these stories of hers. Alcoholics are genius at making everyone else out to be the problem, when they are causing all this themselves. Of course she's innocent. Of course she wants you to feel sorry for her, it takes the heat out of her horrible behavior.
She did the stuff. Sure, alcohol lowers inhibitions and causes more uninhibited behavior across the board - but she's deflecting. Looking for sympathy.
Self-pity is huge with alcoholics. Rape (or inappropriate sex,) getting beat up. Bad things like this haven't happened to me ever when I have my faculties intact.
She did the stuff. Sure, alcohol lowers inhibitions and causes more uninhibited behavior across the board - but she's deflecting. Looking for sympathy.
Self-pity is huge with alcoholics. Rape (or inappropriate sex,) getting beat up. Bad things like this haven't happened to me ever when I have my faculties intact.
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