Fired!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1,601
Fired!
My first sponsee fired me last night.
She was very difficult to work with and I could not seem to get her "on board." Anyway yesterday she was incredibly rude to me ...hung up on me, responded to my email with "That's all ya got?!" just acting like a spoiled brat. Anyway, my self esteem is pretty hurt. I did a lot for this girl.
I am trying to see where I went wrong rather than place all the blame on her. I should have been tougher from the get-go. Instead, I did sort of let her run the show and then when I tried to take hold of the reigns she fought me and then fired me.
I was livid at her but I was kind and loving and wished her all the best and I genuinely meant it. I do hope she finds recovery and has a happy, sober life.
Ugh this is hard.
She was very difficult to work with and I could not seem to get her "on board." Anyway yesterday she was incredibly rude to me ...hung up on me, responded to my email with "That's all ya got?!" just acting like a spoiled brat. Anyway, my self esteem is pretty hurt. I did a lot for this girl.
I am trying to see where I went wrong rather than place all the blame on her. I should have been tougher from the get-go. Instead, I did sort of let her run the show and then when I tried to take hold of the reigns she fought me and then fired me.
I was livid at her but I was kind and loving and wished her all the best and I genuinely meant it. I do hope she finds recovery and has a happy, sober life.
Ugh this is hard.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
hey bunny, i gotta say thanks for giving me a flashback.
1st man i sponsored, my sponsor had informed me the man had been around a long time and had many sponsors. my thought? " well, you just cant carry the message like i can!"
welp, all this man wanted to do was complain about life and other people. when ever i tried to turn to the steps or the big book, he didnt like it and changed subjects.
he ended up drinking again.
went to my sponsors. he pulled out his big book, handed it to me a d said," open up to how it works and read the 12th step to me."
so i did. he said," notice it says " TRIED to carry this message..." that is because them people that wrote the big book knew 2 things- we cant make anyone get it.
and we can only carry the message. carry the alcoholic and we only hurt oursleves."
that night i saw i had a wee bit of ego flaring thinkin i was powerful enough to make someone "get it."
sometimes it really doesnt matter how the message is given. some people just arent ready for it.
today, when someone asks me if i will sponsor them i sit down with them and tell them some about me. then ask about them. then i ask them 3 questions:
1) do you want to get sober?
2) do you want what we have?
3) are you willing to go to any lengths to get it?
usually, the answer to number 1 is yes. yes to number 2 also, but they dont really know what it is we have, which is all of the promises in the big book.
which is where i have them read the big book and look for everything positive that happens as a result of working the steps.
the 3rd question? welp, seems at first they are all YES!!!!!!
until the footwork starts- where the rubber meets the road.
a part of the of the big book i read often when working with others is page 95 and first paragraph of 96
1st man i sponsored, my sponsor had informed me the man had been around a long time and had many sponsors. my thought? " well, you just cant carry the message like i can!"
welp, all this man wanted to do was complain about life and other people. when ever i tried to turn to the steps or the big book, he didnt like it and changed subjects.
he ended up drinking again.
went to my sponsors. he pulled out his big book, handed it to me a d said," open up to how it works and read the 12th step to me."
so i did. he said," notice it says " TRIED to carry this message..." that is because them people that wrote the big book knew 2 things- we cant make anyone get it.
and we can only carry the message. carry the alcoholic and we only hurt oursleves."
that night i saw i had a wee bit of ego flaring thinkin i was powerful enough to make someone "get it."
sometimes it really doesnt matter how the message is given. some people just arent ready for it.
today, when someone asks me if i will sponsor them i sit down with them and tell them some about me. then ask about them. then i ask them 3 questions:
1) do you want to get sober?
2) do you want what we have?
3) are you willing to go to any lengths to get it?
usually, the answer to number 1 is yes. yes to number 2 also, but they dont really know what it is we have, which is all of the promises in the big book.
which is where i have them read the big book and look for everything positive that happens as a result of working the steps.
the 3rd question? welp, seems at first they are all YES!!!!!!
until the footwork starts- where the rubber meets the road.
a part of the of the big book i read often when working with others is page 95 and first paragraph of 96
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Bunny, I've followed your story. You have come a long long ways and should be very proud of yourself. Live and learn, move on. people come in all shapes and sizes and colors and, yes, temperaments. I doubt you did anything wrong, it just wasn't a good fit.
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
I liked that you mentioned you took a look at yourself to see where you may have gone wrong, but in this case, she didn't sound ready to me.
I really like tomsteve's method. I was so desperate to stop drinking, that I really was willing to go to any lengths at the time, and although I may have balked at first at some things, when it came down to drink or do as was suggested, I took the suggestion.
I really like tomsteve's method. I was so desperate to stop drinking, that I really was willing to go to any lengths at the time, and although I may have balked at first at some things, when it came down to drink or do as was suggested, I took the suggestion.
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
Well, I commend you for taking on a sponsee! You gave it your best and sounds like you've learned from it. You can only help as much as someone wants to be helped.
You're a bit further along than I am as far as that goes. I haven't sponsored anyone yet, so thanks for testing the waters.
Now, I'll know it won't always be as I hope. I kinda sorta "co-sponsored" this one guy but turns out he's paranoid schizophrenic and currently has dropped off the radar. My sponsor is encouraging me to go ahead and sponsor someone, though. Kinda nervous about it, really.
You're a bit further along than I am as far as that goes. I haven't sponsored anyone yet, so thanks for testing the waters.
Now, I'll know it won't always be as I hope. I kinda sorta "co-sponsored" this one guy but turns out he's paranoid schizophrenic and currently has dropped off the radar. My sponsor is encouraging me to go ahead and sponsor someone, though. Kinda nervous about it, really.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Remember that your sponsee is still an alcoholic, just like all of us are. You cannot "fix" everyone and while it's a noble effort to take on a sponsee, not every one of them will respond positively. Reviewing what you did certainly might help but don't try and start "blaming" anyone. It simply didn't work out.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
I think that's great you took on the role of being a sponsor, but I'm sorry to hear you had a bad experience. I know trying to find sobriety is such a struggle and a mass mix of emotions. Not wanting to have to follow a plan, ego, arrogance, depression, and a laundry list of other feelings all running through your head at once can be overwhelming. Keep going, I'm sure you will find someone who will appreciate your efforts.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Unless you were paying her a salary, she couldn't fire you.
Working with people who are new to recovery is notoriously difficult, and for a variety of reasons.
The best we can do is give support and offer what helped us to get sober as a possible way out. How any one person responds to that is completely beyond our control.
Working with people who are new to recovery is notoriously difficult, and for a variety of reasons.
The best we can do is give support and offer what helped us to get sober as a possible way out. How any one person responds to that is completely beyond our control.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
I'll preface my comments by noting I'm not an AA member.
That said, I sometimes think that we feel such a sense of camaraderie with other alcoholics/addicts -- and that we have such a desire to help -- that it can be easy to lose sight of the fact that they are still people, just like those we encounter in other aspects of our lives. Some bring maturity and integrity to their interactions with others.
But some don't. It doesn't sound like she contributed to the two-way street necessary to move forward in a sponsor-sponsee relationship. It just didn't work. Maybe she'll learn that she has some growth to accomplish; maybe she won't. You did your best, Bunny.
That said, I sometimes think that we feel such a sense of camaraderie with other alcoholics/addicts -- and that we have such a desire to help -- that it can be easy to lose sight of the fact that they are still people, just like those we encounter in other aspects of our lives. Some bring maturity and integrity to their interactions with others.
But some don't. It doesn't sound like she contributed to the two-way street necessary to move forward in a sponsor-sponsee relationship. It just didn't work. Maybe she'll learn that she has some growth to accomplish; maybe she won't. You did your best, Bunny.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Sponsors carry the message not the alcoholic. If you are still sober you did a wonderful job. Thinking you are going to save someone is all ego. We will never save anyone. God can and does but we are powerless over people places and things.
I would suggest talking this over with your sponsor for their input.
I would suggest talking this over with your sponsor for their input.
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
Bunny, I was at a meeting tonight and the speaker made me think of your thread here. She is a member of my home group and has around 6 - 7 years of sobriety. She spoke of her first sponsor, said she was trying to teach her the program and tell her what to do. She didn't like what she heard, so she fired her. She came back, though, and is now sponsoring others herself. So, even if you're rejected, many times those people come back around. Life has a way of making people change their minds.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Originally Posted by Venecia 
I'll preface my comments by noting I'm not an AA member.
That said, I sometimes think that we feel such a sense of camaraderie with other alcoholics/addicts -- and that we have such a desire to help -- that it can be easy to lose sight of the fact that they are still people, just like those we encounter in other aspects of our lives. Some bring maturity and integrity to their interactions with others.
But some don't. It doesn't sound like she contributed to the two-way street necessary to move forward in a sponsor-sponsee relationship. It just didn't work. Maybe she'll learn that she has some growth to accomplish; maybe she won't. You did your best, Bunny.
That said, I sometimes think that we feel such a sense of camaraderie with other alcoholics/addicts -- and that we have such a desire to help -- that it can be easy to lose sight of the fact that they are still people, just like those we encounter in other aspects of our lives. Some bring maturity and integrity to their interactions with others.
But some don't. It doesn't sound like she contributed to the two-way street necessary to move forward in a sponsor-sponsee relationship. It just didn't work. Maybe she'll learn that she has some growth to accomplish; maybe she won't. You did your best, Bunny.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by Bunny211
...She was very difficult to work with and I could not seem to get her "on board." Anyway yesterday she was incredibly rude to me ...hung up on me, responded to my email with "That's all ya got?!" just acting like a spoiled brat. Anyway, my self esteem is pretty hurt. I did a lot for this girl.
Would you put up with such rude behavior outside of AA?
Don't take it personally.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
"That's all ya got?!" just acting like a spoiled brat. Anyway, my self esteem is pretty hurt. I did a lot for this girl.
I am trying to see where I went wrong rather than place all the blame on her."
Bunny, you did a lot for her and you were 100% successful. You are still sober. A wise man I met recently in my travels says "we are in the effort business, not the result business, God handles the latter."
I sometimes go to great lengths to help someone to no avail, except that I am still sober. Sometimes I try to remember what the book says about how far we should go in helping others.
"It is not the matter of giving that is in question, but when and how to give. That often makes the difference between failure and success. The minute we put our work on a service plane, the alcoholic commences to rely upon our assistance rather than upon God. He clamors for this or that, claiming he cannot master alcohol until his material needs are cared for. Nonsense. Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job - wife or no wife - we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God."
In doing too much, we may do the newcomer a dis service. If they are beyond human aid, we could never do enough to fix them.
I am trying to see where I went wrong rather than place all the blame on her."
Bunny, you did a lot for her and you were 100% successful. You are still sober. A wise man I met recently in my travels says "we are in the effort business, not the result business, God handles the latter."
I sometimes go to great lengths to help someone to no avail, except that I am still sober. Sometimes I try to remember what the book says about how far we should go in helping others.
"It is not the matter of giving that is in question, but when and how to give. That often makes the difference between failure and success. The minute we put our work on a service plane, the alcoholic commences to rely upon our assistance rather than upon God. He clamors for this or that, claiming he cannot master alcohol until his material needs are cared for. Nonsense. Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job - wife or no wife - we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God."
In doing too much, we may do the newcomer a dis service. If they are beyond human aid, we could never do enough to fix them.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by Bunny211
Anyway yesterday she was incredibly rude to me ...hung up on me, responded to my email with "That's all ya got?!"
I did a lot for this girl.
I was livid at her but I was kind and loving and wished her all the best and I genuinely meant it.
Actually around 9 years ago I had relapsed and dropped off a letter in my sponsors mailbox. Don't remember much regarding what I said but, my sponsor still brings it up occasionally and tells me that he kept the letter. I do know that I was holding some resentment towards him.
A nice sober day wished for all,
M-Bob
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