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Alcoholic wife cheated on me

Old 07-29-2016, 03:29 PM
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But she wasn't completely hammered when she went to the store in the first place. It was her choice to END UP completely hammered.
You cannot protect another grown person 24/7 Especially from themselves
Especially if they are evading you.
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Old 07-29-2016, 04:13 PM
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MxDad

I understand you're venting. Many years ago, I was cheated on by a partner too but I found it hard to get past the hurt and the damage too.

I really hope your wife uses this as a turning point in her life. Going to rehab is a great start.

I hope you'll think about some healing too - AlAnon's been suggested, or maybe some counselling?

D
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Old 07-29-2016, 04:31 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
MxDad

I understand you're venting. Many years ago, I was cheated on by a partner too but I found it hard to get past the hurt and the damage too.

I really hope your wife uses this as a turning point in her life. Going to rehab is a great start.

I hope you'll think about some healing too - AlAnon's been suggested, or maybe some counselling?

D
Im taking advantage of the seperation
I made my first al anon meeting last night after my conseling session
I also joined a mens group at church

At very least i will stay sane for my 16yo daughter
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Old 07-29-2016, 04:33 PM
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I'm glad - you deserve support as well - and your daughter too

D
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Old 07-29-2016, 04:40 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
I'm glad - you deserve support as well - and your daughter too

D
We are both looking at this is a wake up call from upstairs and getting active at church
As l9ng as my wife remains sober i have hope that we will come through stronger than ever
But this will be the last time this happens-i cant do this again
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Old 07-29-2016, 07:07 PM
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It was her choice to END UP completely hammered.

that's easy to say, fripfrop, but may not be her experience.

many of us are brought here by experience of loss of choice.
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Old 07-29-2016, 07:09 PM
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Mxdad,
just to say i hope you'll consider checking out and getting connected to the "friends and family" forums farther down the forums lit.
both the secular and the 12-step ones might be of much use to you.
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Old 07-29-2016, 07:13 PM
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I think it's best if we confine ourselves here to discussions about what mx can do. That will be of most help.

If mx's wife posts here one day...then we can discuss her motivations, choices or lack thereof, etc

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Old 07-29-2016, 07:17 PM
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Originally Posted by fini View Post
Mxdad,
just to say i hope you'll consider checking out and getting connected to the "friends and family" forums farther down the forums lit.
both the secular and the 12-step ones might be of much use to you.
I think that's an excellent suggestion, fini.

Here's the link Mxdad.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 07-29-2016, 11:53 PM
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Originally Posted by fini View Post
It was her choice to END UP completely hammered.

that's easy to say, fripfrop, but may not be her experience.

many of us are brought here by experience of loss of choice.
Yes, you are right. I meant it was a choice to start in the first place, but I suppose none of us plan when we start to end up hammered,I didn't think it through.
But as Dee said, the focus should be on what mxdads options, sorry.
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Old 07-30-2016, 08:42 AM
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no problem, fripfrop.
in fact, "choice" is what i was grappling with for years for years, and still get reactionary and insert my stuff into threads in response to others when there is no need nor cause for it.
my response to you was self-centered, i later realized.

Mxdad, please excuse the excursion.
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Old 07-30-2016, 09:23 AM
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[QUOTE=fini;6069812]no problem, fripfrop.
in fact, "choice" is what i was grappling with for years for years, and still get reactionary and insert my stuff into threads in response to others when there is no need nor cause for it.
my response to you was self-centered, i later realized.

Mxdad, please excuse the excursion.

No worries
Crap im having a bad day
I dont have any family close enough to even share this with
My brother shot and killed my mom and dad 3 years ago and all i even have left are her sister and parents and this isnt a topic im comfortable talking to with them
They know shes an alcoholic and gone to rehab (they just found out in the last month-i told them after the 1st night she didn't come home)
And her sister actually was there when she agreed to go to rehab as i told my wife i was not coming home and that she needed to fix things with her family and kids which i was no longer a part of

Trying to stay busy to keep my mind busy but its not working out to good
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Old 07-30-2016, 03:42 PM
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I'm really sorry for what happened in your family mxdad. That's horrible.

I am glad you're here tho - and glad to see you started another thread in the Friends and Family section.

SR is all about support

D
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Old 08-05-2016, 03:34 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
MxDad

I understand you're venting. Many years ago, I was cheated on by a partner too but I found it hard to get past the hurt and the damage too.

I really hope your wife uses this as a turning point in her life. Going to rehab is a

I hope you'll think about some healing too - AlAnon's been suggested, or maybe some counselling?

D
Were you ever able to get over it?
Any suggestions would be appreciated
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Old 08-06-2016, 07:39 AM
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getting through it as a couple can actually make you guys stronger too. I hope it works out this way. sounds like you really love your wife a lot thats commendable.
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Old 08-06-2016, 07:54 AM
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I have read all of your posts, Mxdad. I thought about replying earlier in my reading but kept going to learn more.

Your story really strikes me because my boyfriend finally left his wife of 18 years, after three affairs (at different times) and her alcoholism. That's the super short version of his story, and the part that made me connect his story to yours is the whole idea of how you want to live, and how you both love and, probably, loathe your partner of decades. Normal. And not a fun place- definitely a confusing and sad one- to be in. His story includes nights of waiting for her to come home- he shared with me last night about the first time she drunkenly disappeared and what it felt like waiting for the door to open...it not opening...her friends' having called....etc- and he's talked to me about his thought process over the years, deciding to stay and what kind of marriage he ended up accepting, a lot of stuff.

I share this so you know that you, as the husband, are not alone. I think delving too far into the actual sex-and-kind-of-guys part is ... unhelpful. Macho guy stuff won't help. Processing that reaction of course, will be hard. Keep looking at how you want to proceed, be sober yourself and live a good life.

Remember: whatever YOU decide, you absolutely cannot control what SHE does. She will drink or not, she will cheat or not. You get to decide what you accept and what you don't, and when and where you reach your limit, if you do reach one that means divorce.

Good luck.
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Old 08-06-2016, 11:59 AM
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Originally Posted by August252015 View Post
I have read all of your posts, Mxdad. I thought about replying earlier in my reading but kept going to learn more.

Your story really strikes me because my boyfriend finally left his wife of 18 years, after three affairs (at different times) and her alcoholism. That's the super short version of his story, and the part that made me connect his story to yours is the whole idea of how you want to live, and how you both love and, probably, loathe your partner of decades. Normal. And not a fun place- definitely a confusing and sad one- to be in. His story includes nights of waiting for her to come home- he shared with me last night about the first time she drunkenly disappeared and what it felt like waiting for the door to open...it not opening...her friends' having called....etc- and he's talked to me about his thought process over the years, deciding to stay and what kind of marriage he ended up accepting, a lot of stuff.

I share this so you know that you, as the husband, are not alone. I think delving too far into the actual sex-and-kind-of-guys part is ... unhelpful. Macho guy stuff won't help. Processing that reaction of course, will be hard. Keep looking at how you want to proceed, be sober yourself and live a good life.

Remember: whatever YOU decide, you absolutely cannot control what SHE does. She will drink or not, she will cheat or not. You get to decide what you accept and what you don't, and when and where you reach your limit, if you do reach one that means divorce.

Good luck.
Thanks-I have had time to think on it a few weeks now.I have made up my mind and due to the fact i do live her and have since I was 17
I have established boundries for what i will and will not accept moving forward
I will no longer tolerate her drinking period.I have expressed this as she now knows what can and will happen if/when she starts again.
I have explained i will not go down this path again ever
The next path will be divorce as painful as it may be it has to be easier than what i have had to deal with the last 3 months
I believe people are not perfect-and mistakes can be forgiven-i really hope some day i can forgive hers.
I have come to realize im not a bad guy
Im successful in my work, i am not a bad looking guy (a little old at 43) but i have a lot of good years in front of me

As far as sober-i really hate alcohol currently-it totally disgusted by the thought of getting drunk
But at the same time i understand that she would never put herself in those situations with out it-hence my willingness to stay since she agreed to stop.
I also understand that its not going to be easy.some days i am at peace with my decision and some days i want to grab my daughter and take off-i certainly have the means to do so but have to make a conscious decision to stick with my heart.
Right now i am struggling with talking to her on those off days without being a dick-i know that doesnt help her situation or mine-but i am trying
I will no longer text her when im in that place and keep conversation to a minimum.
I have another week before she gets home from rehab and i dont know what next week will bring-i just have to remember in my heart that i do love this woman and keep my mind from running my mouth.
Unless she starts drinking again at which point i am just going to get my stuff and head to the attorneys office and move on with my life-i am not sticking around for the **** show if it starts again

Sorry for the novel-it was only meant to be a reply
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Old 08-06-2016, 03:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74

MxDad

I understand you're venting. Many years ago, I was cheated on by a partner too but I found it hard to get past the hurt and the damage too.

I really hope your wife uses this as a turning point in her life. Going to rehab is a

I hope you'll think about some healing too - AlAnon's been suggested, or maybe some counselling?

D
Originally Posted by Mxdad2003 View Post
Were you ever able to get over it?
Any suggestions would be appreciated
I'm afraid we couldn't get past it, no - but there were some important differences.

We were young (this was many years ago) and it was not a very long relationship...18 months maybe.

Infidelity was not the only issue we had, and alcohol was not involved (at least not on her side - I was drinking, and that was what she said 'drove her away', but that's another thread...)

With the benefit of hindsight and several more relationships, I think if it's a relationship you both want to keep you'll fight for it. I think total honesty trust and open communication in the backbone of most successful long term relationships...mine anyway.

D
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Old 08-06-2016, 07:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
I'm afraid we couldn't get past it, no - but there were some important differences.

We were young (this was many years ago) and it was not a very long relationship...18 months maybe.

Infidelity was not the only issue we had, and alcohol was not involved (at least not on her side - I was drinking, and that was what she said 'drove her away', but that's another thread...)

With the benefit of hindsight and several more relationships, I think if it's a relationship you both want to keep you'll fight for it. I think total honesty trust and open communication in the backbone of most successful long term relationships...mine anyway.

D
Thanks D
Im an idiot
I talked to her tonight and brought it up again
She apologized but i knew it hurt her feelings-she didnt get angry but asked me to quit bringing it up

I GOTTA STOP DOING THAT
Easier said than done-but its getting easier
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Old 08-06-2016, 07:38 PM
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It's going to be careful stepping on both sides for a while I think mxdad...the fact you two are still a team is probably the best sign

D
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