Alcoholic wife cheated on me
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
No. She shouldn't have been there. But she was. If she'd been there and been mugged, battered and robbed, would you feel it was her fault as well? I'm not having a go. Just trying to encourage you to see past the sex side of things, as this does blur it all. If she was incapable, of stopping them, was she capable of instigating it? It is all very sad. Sad for you, and sad for her. I suspect that even nowadays, many sex attacks go unreported because the victim was very drunk. Even more sad as it was her compulsion to drink (her active alcoholism) which led her to put herself in such a dangerous situation. I hope this proves to be her rock bottom, and that she decides to tackle her addiction now.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 709
Sounds like she has put herself in some very dangerous situations. Was she at a bar when these things happened? While her drinking was most likely the reason for her blackouts, there's also the possibility that someone put something in her drink.
If you've generally had a good marriage (before these instances), 25 years is a long time to throw in the towel. My husband filed for divorce last September and received temporary custody of our son....I went to rehab 3 weeks after he filed and have been sober since, but he still wants to go through the divorce. It's extremely difficult for the children. If she willingly went to rehab, you have a good shot. As someone said though, rehab is only the beginning. It's easy to stay sober when you have no access to alcohol. Hopefully she is learning more constructive ways of dealing with her emotions than alcohol.
If you've generally had a good marriage (before these instances), 25 years is a long time to throw in the towel. My husband filed for divorce last September and received temporary custody of our son....I went to rehab 3 weeks after he filed and have been sober since, but he still wants to go through the divorce. It's extremely difficult for the children. If she willingly went to rehab, you have a good shot. As someone said though, rehab is only the beginning. It's easy to stay sober when you have no access to alcohol. Hopefully she is learning more constructive ways of dealing with her emotions than alcohol.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 76
We arent talking now shes in rehab(one call a day)
Im trying to make sense of it is all.
Im alone with my thoughts and trying to figure out what went wrong
She has drank regularly for abt 6 years but this is next level sttuff that escalated so fast i wasnt prepared (in abt a 3-4 weeks)
She usually just drank and passed out-it was annoying but this lately was flat out dangerous
I was being more vical abt drinking as well because my daughter was having an issue with it as well-maybe i was the reason she started going out instead of being at home
Learned last night at alanon it cant be controlled and thats exactly what i was trying to do
Should have started those meeting a couple years ago but i guess i didnt want to admit she had a problem either
Im trying to make sense of it is all.
Im alone with my thoughts and trying to figure out what went wrong
She has drank regularly for abt 6 years but this is next level sttuff that escalated so fast i wasnt prepared (in abt a 3-4 weeks)
She usually just drank and passed out-it was annoying but this lately was flat out dangerous
I was being more vical abt drinking as well because my daughter was having an issue with it as well-maybe i was the reason she started going out instead of being at home
Learned last night at alanon it cant be controlled and thats exactly what i was trying to do
Should have started those meeting a couple years ago but i guess i didnt want to admit she had a problem either
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by uncorked 
Sounds like she has put herself in some very dangerous situations. Was she at a bar when these things happened? While her drinking was most likely the reason for her blackouts, there's also the possibility that someone put something in her drink.
If you've generally had a good marriage (before these instances), 25 years is a long time to throw in the towel. My husband filed for divorce last September and received temporary custody of our son....I went to rehab 3 weeks after he filed and have been sober since, but he still wants to go through the divorce. It's extremely difficult for the children. If she willingly went to rehab, you have a good shot. As someone said though, rehab is only the beginning. It's easy to stay sober when you have no access to alcohol. Hopefully she is learning more constructive ways of dealing with her emotions than alcohol.
If you've generally had a good marriage (before these instances), 25 years is a long time to throw in the towel. My husband filed for divorce last September and received temporary custody of our son....I went to rehab 3 weeks after he filed and have been sober since, but he still wants to go through the divorce. It's extremely difficult for the children. If she willingly went to rehab, you have a good shot. As someone said though, rehab is only the beginning. It's easy to stay sober when you have no access to alcohol. Hopefully she is learning more constructive ways of dealing with her emotions than alcohol.
Guess any thing is possible
Im guessing they drug test her in rehab
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Yep... You didn't Cause it. You cant cure it, and you can't control it. But hopefully the rehab will help hrs stay sober enough to break the cycle and start on her recovery. She'll need to keep up the work in the long haul, but hopefully that's what she'll want to do herself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by SoberCAH
Congrats on your own recovery.
This happened to me in 1999, when I had been married for 15 years and then again in 2005.
I suspect that the affair never ended.
I should have gotten divorced in 1999 when the incident first came to my attention, but I thought that divorced represented failure (it does) and my instincts cried
I was wrong.
When it came to my attention a few years later in 2005, I viewed the affair as an exit strategy and I cut her loose.
We got divorced in 1 day with good wishes and generosity toward each other in the division of our property.
If I saw her today, we would stop and talk to catch up on our respective lives.
This is my ESH, but your mileage may vary.
This happened to me in 1999, when I had been married for 15 years and then again in 2005.
I suspect that the affair never ended.
I should have gotten divorced in 1999 when the incident first came to my attention, but I thought that divorced represented failure (it does) and my instincts cried
I was wrong.
When it came to my attention a few years later in 2005, I viewed the affair as an exit strategy and I cut her loose.
We got divorced in 1 day with good wishes and generosity toward each other in the division of our property.
If I saw her today, we would stop and talk to catch up on our respective lives.
This is my ESH, but your mileage may vary.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by uncorked
Sounds like she has put herself in some very dangerous situations. Was she at a bar when these things happened? While her drinking was most likely the reason for her blackouts, there's also the possibility that someone put something in her drink.
If you've generally had a good marriage (before these instances), 25 years is a long time to throw in the towel. My husband filed for divorce last September and received temporary custody of our son....I went to rehab 3 weeks after he filed and have been sober since, but he still wants to go through the divorce. It's extremely difficult for the children. If she willingly went to rehab, you have a good shot. As someone said though, rehab is only the beginning. It's easy to stay sober when you have no access to alcohol. Hopefully she is learning more constructive ways of dealing with her emotions than alcohol.
If you've generally had a good marriage (before these instances), 25 years is a long time to throw in the towel. My husband filed for divorce last September and received temporary custody of our son....I went to rehab 3 weeks after he filed and have been sober since, but he still wants to go through the divorce. It's extremely difficult for the children. If she willingly went to rehab, you have a good shot. As someone said though, rehab is only the beginning. It's easy to stay sober when you have no access to alcohol. Hopefully she is learning more constructive ways of dealing with her emotions than alcohol.
We live in houston the sex trafficing capital
At least shes in rehab and not some rich guys sex dungeon
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by biminiblue
I think stop focusing on these stories of hers. Alcoholics are genius at making everyone else out to be the problem, when they are causing all this themselves. Of course she's innocent. Of course she wants you to feel sorry for her, it takes the heat out of her horrible behavior.
She did the stuff. Sure, alcohol lowers inhibitions and causes more uninhibited behavior across the board - but she's deflecting. Looking for sympathy.
Self-pity is huge with alcoholics. Rape (or inappropriate sex,) getting beat up. Bad things like this haven't happened to me ever when I have my faculties intact.
She did the stuff. Sure, alcohol lowers inhibitions and causes more uninhibited behavior across the board - but she's deflecting. Looking for sympathy.
Self-pity is huge with alcoholics. Rape (or inappropriate sex,) getting beat up. Bad things like this haven't happened to me ever when I have my faculties intact.
back in 1991 i was responsible for the death of another human. i was quite drunk that night- not completely backed out, but close.
i spent many,many years in self pity over it. used the excuse i was drunk and couldnt control the situation. if this,that, or the other wouldnt have done what this,that,or the other did, then someone wouldnt have died that night.
THAT was a complete lie. i was the one that got me drunk. i was the one responsable for my actions.
and i fed off of the pity people gave me for many years- until i got sober in fact.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 705
Originally Posted by tomsteve
i hope you read this and understand what bimini said.
back in 1991 i was responsible for the death of another human. i was quite drunk that night- not completely backed out, but close.
i spent many,many years in self pity over it. used the excuse i was drunk and couldnt control the situation. if this,that, or the other wouldnt have done what this,that,or the other did, then someone wouldnt have died that night.
THAT was a complete lie. i was the one that got me drunk. i was the one responsable for my actions.
and i fed off of the pity people gave me for many years- until i got sober in fact.
back in 1991 i was responsible for the death of another human. i was quite drunk that night- not completely backed out, but close.
i spent many,many years in self pity over it. used the excuse i was drunk and couldnt control the situation. if this,that, or the other wouldnt have done what this,that,or the other did, then someone wouldnt have died that night.
THAT was a complete lie. i was the one that got me drunk. i was the one responsable for my actions.
and i fed off of the pity people gave me for many years- until i got sober in fact.
Completely different situations.
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Inglind
Posts: 610
Originally Posted by biminiblue
I think stop focusing on these stories of hers. Alcoholics are genius at making everyone else out to be the problem, when they are causing all this themselves. Of course she's innocent. Of course she wants you to feel sorry for her, it takes the heat out of her horrible behavior.
She did the stuff. Sure, alcohol lowers inhibitions and causes more uninhibited behavior across the board - but she's deflecting. Looking for sympathy.
Self-pity is huge with alcoholics. Rape (or inappropriate sex,) getting beat up. Bad things like this haven't happened to me ever when I have my faculties intact.
She did the stuff. Sure, alcohol lowers inhibitions and causes more uninhibited behavior across the board - but she's deflecting. Looking for sympathy.
Self-pity is huge with alcoholics. Rape (or inappropriate sex,) getting beat up. Bad things like this haven't happened to me ever when I have my faculties intact.
Working in a pub, for many years, I have stopped wily men, try to manoeuvre young women who are cabbaged from the drink and little more than rag dolls out of the door more than once.
When you are that drunk (not just tipsy, or a bit drunk) your cerebral cortex, the part of the brain that makes us human, the reasoning, thinking part of you, is all but disabled.
The post you wrote is very harsh. And not all alcoholics are self pitying, when not in drink. Its so dangerous to stereotype groups of people, in any context.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
I don't think you're a chump. Those are some pretty strong bonds that developed over 25 years and 3 grown children. I try to stay out of marriages, they are sacred. I would say this. You set strict boundaries and make it clear to her that this was the first AND LAST time this will ever happen if she wishes to remain a married woman.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 705
Originally Posted by fripfrop
Depends how drunk you are. Yes, drinking can lower inhibitions. But getting blackout, cabbaged drunk, you can get that you are so confused, you don't really know whats happening, and can be manhandled into situations by people who have their facilties about them more than you.
Working in a pub, for many years, I have stopped wily men, try to manoeuvre young women who are cabbaged from the drink and little more than rag dolls out of the door more than once.
When you are that drunk (not just tipsy, or a bit drunk) your cerebral cortex, the part of the brain that makes us human, the reasoning, thinking part of you, is all but disabled.
The post you wrote is very harsh. And not all alcoholics are self pitying, when not in drink. Its so dangerous to stereotype groups of people, in any context.
Working in a pub, for many years, I have stopped wily men, try to manoeuvre young women who are cabbaged from the drink and little more than rag dolls out of the door more than once.
When you are that drunk (not just tipsy, or a bit drunk) your cerebral cortex, the part of the brain that makes us human, the reasoning, thinking part of you, is all but disabled.
The post you wrote is very harsh. And not all alcoholics are self pitying, when not in drink. Its so dangerous to stereotype groups of people, in any context.
I cannot thank you enough for this post. Though it has been quite a few years for me, I was in a very similar situation. And, although I was not married, I was so crazy in love with my SO, I never even had fantasies of being with someone else. I blacked out while with someone I loved and trusted and he full on took advantage of that. I had no desire to what occurred that night. None. And I don't really remember most of it, just sort of coming to in the middle of things and saying "What the **** are you doing??!" Stop!" It ruined my life for a long time and still gives me so much guilt and anxiety that I cannot deal with even thinking about it. I was not in control that night at all. I did NOT want any part of it.
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Inglind
Posts: 610
Don't torture yourself babycat.
It makes you realise, when you stand cold sober working in a pub watching some of these predators pick out the drunkest women to take advantage of, just how vunerable drink makes women.
You have to forgive yourself, "you" weren't even there as the person you are in your right mind.
It makes you realise, when you stand cold sober working in a pub watching some of these predators pick out the drunkest women to take advantage of, just how vunerable drink makes women.
You have to forgive yourself, "you" weren't even there as the person you are in your right mind.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Australia
Posts: 109
Originally Posted by biminiblue
Self-pity is huge with alcoholics. Rape (or inappropriate sex,) getting beat up. Bad things like this haven't happened to me ever when I have my faculties intact.
Would we say something like this to the Stanford rape survivor?
And just a reminder, bad things like this happen to women all the time, whether they're drunk or not.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I think the way I moved past my experiences was to deal with my (justified ) resentment, by looking at my part in it. This wasn't to say that what happened was okay or justified, but to accept that it did happen, and would probably not have happened if I hadn't put myself where in did and been able to look after myself. You may be saying (or yelling) at this point, 'but it was still wrong that it happened'. And yes. It was. And i spent many years carrying that same thought, with rage and torment and tears and anguish, and a fat lot of good that did me. But now I can finally move on from my experience (after many many years of carrying that rock), because I am willing and able to take responsibility for myself and feel less scared and fearful in future, because I was finally willing to look at the situation and learn from it, and in doing so reduce to risk of it happening again. Sure, it can happen any time, and to anyone, male or female. But I DID place myself in a very vulnerable position and I crease the likelihood of one of those predatory creeps that Fripfrop alluded to, and there ARE vile and nasty people out there. Many of them also off their faces on whatever. And if I can reduce the risks, then I should do so. And that is what I am going to do in future. It's part of treating myself with the kind of love and respect and concern that I did not credit myself with deserving for all those years. Now though I believe that everyone, including me, deserves to be kept safe. And it is a loving act that I am prepared to do for myself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 76
I know she was well beyond tipsy
She was so plowed she slept and woke up still drunk.I have known her long enough to tell.She likes to argue and woke up both times ready to fight-she was fun and loving after 2 glasses but after the second bottle of wine not so much.but still part of me wonders if i am not being manipulated.
I used to drink with her and i have seen her blackout drunk before and have to explain what happened the next day.i quit drinking 3 years ago and quit smoking weed last year(seriously been considering starting again with all this going on) in an attempt to help her if she quit drinking.
Almost makes me want to call the bar and see if they have video-i doubt they would do it but id like to get a look at the guys-prob best for my sake to let it go but dam it makes me mad.
Guess we will see how it goes when she gets home.....
She was so plowed she slept and woke up still drunk.I have known her long enough to tell.She likes to argue and woke up both times ready to fight-she was fun and loving after 2 glasses but after the second bottle of wine not so much.but still part of me wonders if i am not being manipulated.
I used to drink with her and i have seen her blackout drunk before and have to explain what happened the next day.i quit drinking 3 years ago and quit smoking weed last year(seriously been considering starting again with all this going on) in an attempt to help her if she quit drinking.
Almost makes me want to call the bar and see if they have video-i doubt they would do it but id like to get a look at the guys-prob best for my sake to let it go but dam it makes me mad.
Guess we will see how it goes when she gets home.....
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Inglind
Posts: 610
Well, if she now knows she can get in these fixes when she is drunk Mxdad, and continues to drink when she comes out of rehab, you will know, she has no respect for you, your feelings or herself. And you will know that she isn't truly willing to save your marriage.
And if she started drinking again and you stayed with the marriage, you would have to accept that she is willing to take the chance, that when she goes out and drinks, she may end up in another mans bed. Which, as it's already happened twice, is wilful adultery, as she knows before she starts drinking that this could happen again.
And if she started drinking again and you stayed with the marriage, you would have to accept that she is willing to take the chance, that when she goes out and drinks, she may end up in another mans bed. Which, as it's already happened twice, is wilful adultery, as she knows before she starts drinking that this could happen again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by Venecia
Pixus has an excellent observation.
My feedback for you, similar to that others have offered, is to stop focusing on the sex part and put your energies toward your wife's recovery.
My feedback for you, similar to that others have offered, is to stop focusing on the sex part and put your energies toward your wife's recovery.
I think back to the 1st time when she said she was going to the store for dinner stuff-in my mind i knew she would get beer as well but she just didnt come home until next day-we drove around looking for her but didnt find her-until next morning
Saturday i asked her to promise she didnt sleep with anybody and she broke down crying and told me
I could have went with to the store but choose to stay home while my kids were home-i never expected her to go to a bar.Sunday i kept emotions in check.Monday i woke up completely pissed off and told her to get out
Came home and she had been drinking and wanted to argue but i wasnt having it so i left-as did all the kids and left her home alone-she went out and the same thing happened-just a different guy
When i found her the next day she was still completely hammered
Part of me thinks i should have not left but i was afraid if i stayed i would have ended up hurting her (i have never hit her before and didnt want to be a first as i myself was not in a good place mentally after the first guy
I realize im repeating my story and apologize in advance
Im just trying to vent and its easier to type here than say all this stuff in person
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
