Again :)
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OK when I wrote that last post on this thread, I felt a bit like RobbyRobot, I mean my perception of him. Like "I know this *** and I am going to make it no matter what..."
I know this is far overstating but at the same time, isn't it how we are supposed to internalize in subjective ways our good carevivers, good parents, therapists, whatever? I certainly often "hear" Robby in my head despite never meeting him in person. Maybe I'm not the only one here?
Anyhow, so yeah we'll see this one about the pregnancy.
I know this is far overstating but at the same time, isn't it how we are supposed to internalize in subjective ways our good carevivers, good parents, therapists, whatever? I certainly often "hear" Robby in my head despite never meeting him in person. Maybe I'm not the only one here?
Anyhow, so yeah we'll see this one about the pregnancy.
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Another insecurity, mostly for the ladies I guess 
This was a major issue for me also during the pregnancy that ended in miscarriage...
I have had an issue since my teens, about body size/shape. I was a big kid bullied for my body, until I realized that was not out of my control at age 10, and started a drastic diet at 10... leaving to anorexia at 11-12 and bulimia by 14 at earliest.
After my whole life had been pretty much a yo-yo between various addictions. You know the latest battle at ~39 when I got sober from alcoholism.
Yet, back to the food issues... well, fact. I am a 5'8" woman, pretty much ~110-20 pounds since college, dreaded even that that mentioned 10 pounds fluctuations. I am right now afraid that I exceed that 120 pounds even pregnant even at 42 yo. My mother wanted me to become a fashion designer and my dad wanted me... well, many things, from fashion model to journalist to his gardener heritage to... the scientist I also wanted to be. But I also wanted to be an artist, and then a spiritual seeker, and yes a scientist, a psychotherapist, a mother, again an artist.... and of course a scientist... everything really
This is why I have posted many times Maslow's Pyramid and my feelings about it here... I really don't know anymore.
What I know: I am apparently pregnant. I have a good academic position in a medical school in NYC. I am married to another academic and clinical mental health professional, with a great and deep relationship so far. I have a therapist with whom we could breach... well, maybe I won't say what. The relative that truly mattered me in this life (my father) died a few months ago. I sold our home to a person that carried similar depth (his wife died after a month moving in). I am stuck at this point. RobbyRobot died. And back to all my struggles with sobriety etc....
Maybe better to move project again
This was a major issue for me also during the pregnancy that ended in miscarriage...I have had an issue since my teens, about body size/shape. I was a big kid bullied for my body, until I realized that was not out of my control at age 10, and started a drastic diet at 10... leaving to anorexia at 11-12 and bulimia by 14 at earliest.
After my whole life had been pretty much a yo-yo between various addictions. You know the latest battle at ~39 when I got sober from alcoholism.
Yet, back to the food issues... well, fact. I am a 5'8" woman, pretty much ~110-20 pounds since college, dreaded even that that mentioned 10 pounds fluctuations. I am right now afraid that I exceed that 120 pounds even pregnant even at 42 yo. My mother wanted me to become a fashion designer and my dad wanted me... well, many things, from fashion model to journalist to his gardener heritage to... the scientist I also wanted to be. But I also wanted to be an artist, and then a spiritual seeker, and yes a scientist, a psychotherapist, a mother, again an artist.... and of course a scientist... everything really
This is why I have posted many times Maslow's Pyramid and my feelings about it here... I really don't know anymore.
What I know: I am apparently pregnant. I have a good academic position in a medical school in NYC. I am married to another academic and clinical mental health professional, with a great and deep relationship so far. I have a therapist with whom we could breach... well, maybe I won't say what. The relative that truly mattered me in this life (my father) died a few months ago. I sold our home to a person that carried similar depth (his wife died after a month moving in). I am stuck at this point. RobbyRobot died. And back to all my struggles with sobriety etc....
Maybe better to move project again
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Thanks very much for all the supportive and loving responses. I would like to move at least a step, from now on. I know that generally most of us don't like our patterns/behaviors interpreted, but I would like mine to be treated that way now. Whatever insights you guys and gals can come up with, based on this post or my longer term contributions to SR. Can we do this? I would honestly love it
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There's something I'm not quite catching in your posts, Aellyce, so I'll go out on a limb, based on what I've seen of you on the forum.
I think you're very afraid of commitment. You're always ready to hop up, take a plane, change a role, change an addiction. You're obviously not flighty or you wouldn't be where you are, but you're never satisfied & you crave intensity.
If I'm right (
), motherhood may be a particularly scary prospect -- the thought of all that domesticity & breast milk & nurturing. Perhaps you don't see yourself as a very maternal, nurturing person? Not all women even want to be that way, and many of us who become mothers aren't classically motherly.
Is it all seeming scarily real to you? Do you feel a little like running away? I could be entirely wrong, I just sense something in your posts...
Whatever, you have the capacity to be a wonderful mother. Mostly it takes noble intentions & one day at a time, just like everything else.
I think you're very afraid of commitment. You're always ready to hop up, take a plane, change a role, change an addiction. You're obviously not flighty or you wouldn't be where you are, but you're never satisfied & you crave intensity.
If I'm right (
), motherhood may be a particularly scary prospect -- the thought of all that domesticity & breast milk & nurturing. Perhaps you don't see yourself as a very maternal, nurturing person? Not all women even want to be that way, and many of us who become mothers aren't classically motherly.Is it all seeming scarily real to you? Do you feel a little like running away? I could be entirely wrong, I just sense something in your posts...
Whatever, you have the capacity to be a wonderful mother. Mostly it takes noble intentions & one day at a time, just like everything else.
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Hi courage
"There's something I'm not quite catching in your posts, Aellyce, so I'll go out on a limb, based on what I've seen of you on the forum".
Historically, people tend to get a at least a bit confused about many aspects of me... And then intrigued to know more. One of my friends in the past expressed that as "I think there is more to this woman but it's carefully managed".
"I think you're very afraid of commitment."
You kidding? This is probably THE first feature everyone getting in touch with me will experience first hand. Plenty of that feedback here on SR, in therapy, in my jobs, wherever really. Of course I acknowledge it -how else could it be, it's so obvious- but I want to know more. What exactly repulses me when it comes to commitment? Also, same time, what attracts me? I think I have what is is generally considered in psychology, a strong dual approach-aviodance phenotype
"You're always ready to hop up, take a plane, change a role, change an addiction. You're obviously not flighty or you wouldn't be where you are, but you're never satisfied & you crave intensity."
Quite right. Not yet sure why I am not satisfied. Any idea?
"If I'm right (), motherhood may be a particularly scary prospect -- the thought of all that domesticity & breast milk & nurturing. Perhaps you don't see yourself as a very maternal, nurturing person?"
Yes, I have never seen myself as a 'conventional' mother. Never even considered motherhood seriously until recently (last ~2 years). I am sure that part of this consideration is plain biological mechanisms kicking in... like time and experience, most likely interacting with genetics. But I am currently looking into my own pro-verbal childhood experience with my mother (breast milk? how she and I interacted back then?) with my psyhoanalyst.
"Not all women even want to be that way, and many of us who become mothers aren't classically motherly."
Definitely agreed.
"Is it all seeming scarily real to you? Do you feel a little like running away? I could be entirely wrong, I just sense something in your posts..."
YES it FEELS scary both internally and externally.
"Whatever, you have the capacity to be a wonderful mother. Mostly it takes noble intentions & one day at a time, just like everything else. "
Thank you. Don't know about the capacity, but I do feel the motivation now.
Thanks a lot
"There's something I'm not quite catching in your posts, Aellyce, so I'll go out on a limb, based on what I've seen of you on the forum".
Historically, people tend to get a at least a bit confused about many aspects of me... And then intrigued to know more. One of my friends in the past expressed that as "I think there is more to this woman but it's carefully managed".
"I think you're very afraid of commitment."
You kidding?
This is probably THE first feature everyone getting in touch with me will experience first hand. Plenty of that feedback here on SR, in therapy, in my jobs, wherever really. Of course I acknowledge it -how else could it be, it's so obvious- but I want to know more. What exactly repulses me when it comes to commitment? Also, same time, what attracts me? I think I have what is is generally considered in psychology, a strong dual approach-aviodance phenotype "You're always ready to hop up, take a plane, change a role, change an addiction. You're obviously not flighty or you wouldn't be where you are, but you're never satisfied & you crave intensity."
Quite right. Not yet sure why I am not satisfied. Any idea?
"If I'm right (
), motherhood may be a particularly scary prospect -- the thought of all that domesticity & breast milk & nurturing. Perhaps you don't see yourself as a very maternal, nurturing person?"Yes, I have never seen myself as a 'conventional' mother. Never even considered motherhood seriously until recently (last ~2 years). I am sure that part of this consideration is plain biological mechanisms kicking in... like time and experience, most likely interacting with genetics. But I am currently looking into my own pro-verbal childhood experience with my mother (breast milk? how she and I interacted back then?) with my psyhoanalyst.
"Not all women even want to be that way, and many of us who become mothers aren't classically motherly."
Definitely agreed.
"Is it all seeming scarily real to you? Do you feel a little like running away? I could be entirely wrong, I just sense something in your posts..."
YES it FEELS scary both internally and externally.
"Whatever, you have the capacity to be a wonderful mother. Mostly it takes noble intentions & one day at a time, just like everything else. "
Thank you. Don't know about the capacity, but I do feel the motivation now.
Thanks a lot
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Hello Aellyce and congratulations for the baby. And now I will do that thing you asked to talk about yourself. I read most of your posts over the last 2 years and the thing that stood out the most for me was your intelligence.
And I mean all kinds of it, emotional, spiritual, logical and psychological intelligence, the way you can put your perspective when you write here is something truly amazing . I always remember your views about psychedelic drug use and how I reasoned with them.
The bad part is when I read on you complaining about something or talking about a problem you use that same intelligence to over analyze or over complicate things. I remember a post when you said you were suffering from a mixed state episode and I had to google that, and I'm no doctor myself, but I find very difficult that someone can diagnose himself correctly when they're not in a healthy state of mind. It just seems insane to me, you know?
Sorry if that last part sounded rude, and again, congratulations for your baby
And I mean all kinds of it, emotional, spiritual, logical and psychological intelligence, the way you can put your perspective when you write here is something truly amazing
. I always remember your views about psychedelic drug use and how I reasoned with them.The bad part is when I read on you complaining about something or talking about a problem you use that same intelligence to over analyze or over complicate things. I remember a post when you said you were suffering from a mixed state episode and I had to google that, and I'm no doctor myself, but I find very difficult that someone can diagnose himself correctly when they're not in a healthy state of mind. It just seems insane to me, you know?
Sorry if that last part sounded rude, and again, congratulations for your baby
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I think it's cool you can channel the Robot. I have reread threads myself. Are you saying that one of your fears is gaining weight and going over 120? We are the same height and I am tripping you weigh under 120, unless you have a really small frame. I look my best at around 145. Pregnancy weight isn't always hard to take off. One of my friends was back in her jeans within a week. As long as you are eating healthy foods I can't see you overdoing it.
The rest of your post is over my head.
The rest of your post is over my head.
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Originally Posted by silentrun 
I think it's cool you can channel the Robot. I have reread threads myself. Are you saying that one of your fears is gaining weight and going over 120? We are the same height and I am tripping you weigh under 120, unless you have a really small frame. I look my best at around 145. Pregnancy weight isn't always hard to take off. One of my friends was back in her jeans within a week. As long as you are eating healthy foods I can't see you overdoing it.
The rest of your post is over my head.
The rest of your post is over my head.
Also, thanks for pointing out that "The rest of your post is over my head."
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I have also been thinking about how to know, or sense, when we are "aligned" with our mission in life. For me, the so-called mission changes all the time, also in terms of its complexity or simplicity. For example, prioritizing work in a moment or few months, then, family suddenly because a groundbreaking encounter or emotional thing occurs, or even practical. And on and on, back and forth.
p***enger
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I wasn't sure that's the kind of conversation you wanted here, Aellyce, - but since you do...- Most of the people I know reasonably well are women in academia, like you but older. And we've all dealt with this one way or another. I think it's rooted in fear of failure, which motivates us but can undermine us too, in lots of shapes and forms. The most powerful woman I know well is always chasing around looking for the next triumph to convince herself her life has meaning -- we've talked about this explicitly - - but the counter to that is that she can find no gratification in staying still, ever. Another woman I know well reviles herself for wanting to pursue her own ambitions and desires, because she thinks that they're not good enough for her -- like the old Woody Allen joke about not wanting to be in a club that would have you as a member.
Commitment is horrible because it's so mundane, so non-glamorous, so stick-in-the-mud.
Committing means trying over the long haul. You & I know, successes come our way sometimes with no effort. But that's just luck or talent. Are you always asking yourself, Have I just been lucky so far? And, When will my luck run out? The attraction to me of commitment is that it's the real test -- can I succeed without luck?
LOL I'd guess you're not satisfied because life isn't very satisfactory. I'm not sure that question's very important -- is anybody really satisfied? We all itch somewhere. It's what we do about it that matters.
I would put one's child in a whole different category from "commitment." For me, when my child was born, I thought, 100% of his flesh was made in me -- I didn't & don't consider I had a choice about commitment w/him, any more than you commit to your own arms & legs. Although to be ruthlessly honest, it was my partner who first wanted to keep the child when I found out I was pregnant.
Originally Posted by Aellyce
What exactly repulses me when it comes to commitment? Also, same time, what attracts me?
Commitment is horrible because it's so mundane, so non-glamorous, so stick-in-the-mud.
Committing means trying over the long haul. You & I know, successes come our way sometimes with no effort. But that's just luck or talent. Are you always asking yourself, Have I just been lucky so far? And, When will my luck run out? The attraction to me of commitment is that it's the real test -- can I succeed without luck?
Originally Posted by Aellyce
Not yet sure why I am not satisfied. Any idea?
I would put one's child in a whole different category from "commitment." For me, when my child was born, I thought, 100% of his flesh was made in me -- I didn't & don't consider I had a choice about commitment w/him, any more than you commit to your own arms & legs. Although to be ruthlessly honest, it was my partner who first wanted to keep the child when I found out I was pregnant.
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