Again :)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Well, friends... bad news. I am in the hospital again, with most likely signs of miscarriage, again. Heavy bleeding starting just after getting home, pretty much after my post above. Docs also did cancer-related tests - negative.
I am waiting to be seen... but if this child is gone, again, I think I am also really done trying.
I am waiting to be seen... but if this child is gone, again, I think I am also really done trying.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Well, this was something that should be in a novel or a movie or something... Just found out the sex of my baby and lost him, few hours apart. So, yes I did miscarry, again. Apparently the surgery I had did not not resolve it, but I don't even know if the reason for the miscarriage was the same in both cases.
I just feel terrible for my husband... he married a recovering alcoholic in the first place, after his first wife died of a drug overdose many years ago. Then all this with trying to have a child, in a short sequence. And all my psychological and psychiatric issues. It's very hard not wanting to check out of all this. Maybe it's good that I am still in the hospital, and my husband is still here, we both did not sleep for ~24 hours. But I can't help the feeling that I just want out of all this, especially given how I pulled someone else into it. Again. It's a repetitive pattern of my life, I very effectively pull people (often intimate partners) into my *** world, and then they can't or never wan to quit, and even if they do, our relationship will drive them into similar choices and experiences for years, decades. I subjectively feel it's very unfair to my husband. When I first met him several years ago, I was an active alcoholic. We had an immediate attraction, but I kept him at arms lengths because all I wanted was drink, and also because I thought a relationship with me would only hurt him (as it did a few other people earlier in my life). I deeply hurt many of my most intimate partners. But then often they also learn from it and go back to their older relationships, dropping the need for "something different".
This pattern actually keeps coming back in my psychotherapy relationships as well, and it sometimes eludes me why the therapists don't throw me out given the reactions and feelings they experience working with me even just in the mental domain, talking. But I guess, in part, that's what makes work interesting for therapists, the dynamic, lots of changes and challenges, and lots of triggers for them as well to look into themselves. Questioning me, themselves, us, challenging beliefs. My husband is not a psychotherapist per se but a research psychologist, so I guess these experiences are interesting to him even beyond all the pain. Well, I don't don't guess, I know. We talk about these things all the time.
Anyhow, I have these destructive impulses now that I won't get into, and I refused the calming medication offered a few hours ago. The psychiatrist I saw for the first time a few days ago also came in to see me in the hospital. That was totally unexpected to me, after 8 pm, only after one appointment! He said we could perhaps start the med regimen he envisioned for me next week given that I am no longer pregnant and seem very sane and determined in saying I won't try for pregnancy again.
Funny in a way..., because it turns out my husband and the psychiatrist know each other from some old conference. Small world of mental health professionals. Husband came to me after talking with the psychiatrist, saying that they both think there is probably a good reason why they both are so interested in me, in spite of the complications, stuff deeply in themselves. The psychiatrist asked my husband to tell me this tonight... I mean this morning, both of them thinking that I will understand their reactions and perhaps thinking about them might distract me from the pain of the miscarriage. I think they were so right! I was thinking about these conceptual ideas and experiences of transference and countertransference that I am so interested in all night. I refused sedating meds, and thinking about all this theoretical stuff and experiences in my life that manifest it, was a good thing for last night. I think I am applying my good old intellectualizing defense, but I feel it did really defend me last night. The very vivid emotional consequences of the miscarriages and my relationships will of course follow soon. But like my psychiatrist and my psychologist (and obviously personally very involved) husband think, I will survive and probably lead all of us to a higher level of understanding in some ways, as I usually do
I just feel terrible for my husband... he married a recovering alcoholic in the first place, after his first wife died of a drug overdose many years ago. Then all this with trying to have a child, in a short sequence. And all my psychological and psychiatric issues. It's very hard not wanting to check out of all this. Maybe it's good that I am still in the hospital, and my husband is still here, we both did not sleep for ~24 hours. But I can't help the feeling that I just want out of all this, especially given how I pulled someone else into it. Again. It's a repetitive pattern of my life, I very effectively pull people (often intimate partners) into my *** world, and then they can't or never wan to quit, and even if they do, our relationship will drive them into similar choices and experiences for years, decades. I subjectively feel it's very unfair to my husband. When I first met him several years ago, I was an active alcoholic. We had an immediate attraction, but I kept him at arms lengths because all I wanted was drink, and also because I thought a relationship with me would only hurt him (as it did a few other people earlier in my life). I deeply hurt many of my most intimate partners. But then often they also learn from it and go back to their older relationships, dropping the need for "something different".
This pattern actually keeps coming back in my psychotherapy relationships as well, and it sometimes eludes me why the therapists don't throw me out given the reactions and feelings they experience working with me even just in the mental domain, talking. But I guess, in part, that's what makes work interesting for therapists, the dynamic, lots of changes and challenges, and lots of triggers for them as well to look into themselves. Questioning me, themselves, us, challenging beliefs. My husband is not a psychotherapist per se but a research psychologist, so I guess these experiences are interesting to him even beyond all the pain. Well, I don't don't guess, I know. We talk about these things all the time.
Anyhow, I have these destructive impulses now that I won't get into, and I refused the calming medication offered a few hours ago. The psychiatrist I saw for the first time a few days ago also came in to see me in the hospital. That was totally unexpected to me, after 8 pm, only after one appointment! He said we could perhaps start the med regimen he envisioned for me next week given that I am no longer pregnant and seem very sane and determined in saying I won't try for pregnancy again.
Funny in a way..., because it turns out my husband and the psychiatrist know each other from some old conference. Small world of mental health professionals. Husband came to me after talking with the psychiatrist, saying that they both think there is probably a good reason why they both are so interested in me, in spite of the complications, stuff deeply in themselves. The psychiatrist asked my husband to tell me this tonight... I mean this morning, both of them thinking that I will understand their reactions and perhaps thinking about them might distract me from the pain of the miscarriage. I think they were so right! I was thinking about these conceptual ideas and experiences of transference and countertransference that I am so interested in all night. I refused sedating meds, and thinking about all this theoretical stuff and experiences in my life that manifest it, was a good thing for last night. I think I am applying my good old intellectualizing defense, but I feel it did really defend me last night. The very vivid emotional consequences of the miscarriages and my relationships will of course follow soon. But like my psychiatrist and my psychologist (and obviously personally very involved) husband think, I will survive and probably lead all of us to a higher level of understanding in some ways, as I usually do
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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Please do not blame yourself Aellyce.
This is not karma or some punishment or some causal relationship with who you are or who you used to be.
Sometimes, despite us doing everything right, bad stuff happens.
Whatever addictions you once had, whatever happened in the past, that's done. You've struck out on a new course, for change.
People like us - we are not defined by our past or our addictions.
You're a unique and wonderful human being and I'm sure your husband loves you very much. Love - the real stuff - can and will survive tragedies like this.
Others will bring more comfort than I can with better words - but ...Be gentle with yourself - you deserve it
This is not karma or some punishment or some causal relationship with who you are or who you used to be.
Sometimes, despite us doing everything right, bad stuff happens.
Whatever addictions you once had, whatever happened in the past, that's done. You've struck out on a new course, for change.
People like us - we are not defined by our past or our addictions.
You're a unique and wonderful human being and I'm sure your husband loves you very much. Love - the real stuff - can and will survive tragedies like this.
Others will bring more comfort than I can with better words - but ...Be gentle with yourself - you deserve it
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,042
Dear Aellyce, I'm saddened to hear of your second miscarriage. I'm not around quite as much as earlier and for some reason thought you had stopped posting, so I only learned of it today.
I hope you continue to work with the psychiatrist and others. This incredibly stressful time for you can be the starting point of new growth for you -- you have more potential than you know. Stability and support will help you realize it.
(( Aellyce))
I hope you continue to work with the psychiatrist and others. This incredibly stressful time for you can be the starting point of new growth for you -- you have more potential than you know. Stability and support will help you realize it.
(( Aellyce))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Thanks a lot, everyone!
I am alive, just did not have the motivation to check in since I made the last post. Or the motivation to do much of anything apart from basics at work. My husband is wonderful as always, we try to really share this *** experience as much as we can. I think I'll not push myself much and will allow a bit more of "downtime". Thanks again!
I am alive, just did not have the motivation to check in since I made the last post. Or the motivation to do much of anything apart from basics at work. My husband is wonderful as always, we try to really share this *** experience as much as we can. I think I'll not push myself much and will allow a bit more of "downtime". Thanks again!
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Oh I'm so sorry to read this news. I haven't anything clever and profound to say, but when I miscarried many years ago, I remember a friend giving me some advice. She told me to write a letter to the baby I had lost, to include everything I would have told him had he survived and been born to me...all my thoughts and emotions were poured into that letter, and I saved in in a special place where I keep my most treasured possessions.
I don't know why but it helped me.
Love and hugs to you ❤️
I don't know why but it helped me.
Love and hugs to you ❤️
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Originally Posted by Jeni26 
Oh I'm so sorry to read this news. I haven't anything clever and profound to say, but when I miscarried many years ago, I remember a friend giving me some advice. She told me to write a letter to the baby I had lost, to include everything I would have told him had he survived and been born to me...all my thoughts and emotions were poured into that letter, and I saved in in a special place where I keep my most treasured possessions.
I don't know why but it helped me.
Love and hugs to you ❤️
I don't know why but it helped me.
Love and hugs to you ❤️
I still can't help but feel bad about my role in all this... I mean an alcoholic in recovery getting married to someone whose first wife died of addiction... and then all these infertility issues and pains of loss. No one blames me for this (husband, therapist, psychiatrist, my colleagues, my friends...), but it is still hard. Because I initiated this relationship in the first place. The remaining guilt and shame is built around the fact that I have no clear idea why I have failed to have a child: is it inheritance? my lifestyle? addictions, self-destructive behaviors? age? I will never find out now and, well... I guess I've made peace with that already.
Again, thanks for all the love and support
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