Again :)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Thanks again, everyone. I really agree with all of your assessments and, yet again, this is very helpful to me. Most people in my life never gave me genuine feedback and while I've made sort of a habit of asking for it in the past decade of my life, still have gotten only half hearted responses. I understand that though, giving constructive criticism is never an easy thing to do.
I would like to share much more, but am a bit reluctant driven by this pregnancy thing... which means it's utterly confusing to me right now. I never wanted kids in pretty much during the first 40 years of my life. Now in the last 2 sober years all these motivations, and trials in response to the motivations. All this still feels unreal to me in many ways.
As for the fear of living a non-unconventional life, or being ordinary. All points brought up very valid. But right now, I still have no idea how not to be a "far out person" (thanks courage for that term from our PM!). That's all I know how to live and, the feature I have always been rewarded for as as well. I still get rewarded for that pretty much daily. In my personal life, professionally, everywhere. And so far I have always managed to carve out both private and professional niches that not only allowed this but encouraged and rewarded it.
Until this current thing of having a child....
I would like to share much more, but am a bit reluctant driven by this pregnancy thing... which means it's utterly confusing to me right now. I never wanted kids in pretty much during the first 40 years of my life. Now in the last 2 sober years all these motivations, and trials in response to the motivations. All this still feels unreal to me in many ways.
As for the fear of living a non-unconventional life, or being ordinary. All points brought up very valid. But right now, I still have no idea how not to be a "far out person" (thanks courage for that term from our PM!). That's all I know how to live and, the feature I have always been rewarded for as as well. I still get rewarded for that pretty much daily. In my personal life, professionally, everywhere. And so far I have always managed to carve out both private and professional niches that not only allowed this but encouraged and rewarded it.
Until this current thing of having a child....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Hi friends,
So I've seen a psychiatrist today. The way I went about this was a sort of "top town" approach. I started researching based on the criteria I set. Eg. my problem areas, location, their professional interests, treatment modalities, insurance... then I read the heck out of their histories and how they view the intersection of psychiatry and psychotherapy (given that therapy has been quite successful for me and important to me). Then just called or emailed a few -- I am lucky with so many professionals available in my location even with my rather strict filtering criteria.
I did not regret my choice, meaning the psychiatrist I saw today. We spent 1.5 hours with taking in what I wanted to say, medical and mental health history as much as we could within that interval. Similarly, a brief summary of my psychotherapy experiences so far. He will not charge me (and the insurance co.) for this consultation unless and until I decide to have more appointments.
He recommended treatments to me though, both medical and psychotherapy types. He said his recommendations were very rough and preliminary, but encouraged me to look into the possibilities as well, so if I decide to come back, we can make more specific plans.
I am very happy with this choice of psychiatrist! Will do my own research now, again, as always. But really good gut instincts
That's important for me, as so far I have been very reluctant about psych meds. Definitely don't want to take any during the pregnancy as muh as possible.
BTW, everything is good with the pregnancy so far
Thanks everyone!!
So I've seen a psychiatrist today. The way I went about this was a sort of "top town" approach. I started researching based on the criteria I set. Eg. my problem areas, location, their professional interests, treatment modalities, insurance... then I read the heck out of their histories and how they view the intersection of psychiatry and psychotherapy (given that therapy has been quite successful for me and important to me). Then just called or emailed a few -- I am lucky with so many professionals available in my location even with my rather strict filtering criteria.
I did not regret my choice, meaning the psychiatrist I saw today. We spent 1.5 hours with taking in what I wanted to say, medical and mental health history as much as we could within that interval. Similarly, a brief summary of my psychotherapy experiences so far. He will not charge me (and the insurance co.) for this consultation unless and until I decide to have more appointments.
He recommended treatments to me though, both medical and psychotherapy types. He said his recommendations were very rough and preliminary, but encouraged me to look into the possibilities as well, so if I decide to come back, we can make more specific plans.
I am very happy with this choice of psychiatrist! Will do my own research now, again, as always. But really good gut instincts
That's important for me, as so far I have been very reluctant about psych meds. Definitely don't want to take any during the pregnancy as muh as possible. BTW, everything is good with the pregnancy so far
Thanks everyone!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
BTW, the psychiatrist suggested that I likely underestimate the extent and seriousness of my depressive episodes, given that my personality (by default) is so success oriented. (RobbyRobot here said the same!)
My take of it: yeah maybe I tend to deny it (the depression, or depressive symptoms) as there is also this intense motivation to "overcome" no matter what.
My take of it: yeah maybe I tend to deny it (the depression, or depressive symptoms) as there is also this intense motivation to "overcome" no matter what.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Thank you
What troubles me these days though: if this child will inherit my mental intensity, in combination with my husband's. We originally met years ago spending a night telling each-other about our "craziness". He was a "sane" psychologist back then and I was a crazy active alcoholic scientist. Wheels turned lots... These days we sometimes describe that I am a sober pseudo-scientist and he is a challenged psychologist.
What could come out of the merge of these? But "merging" with my fantasy and also with someone who understands me has been my dream (wish) ever since I remember. It's just how to think about THE result now and..., how to make sure he/she (the child) will have a decent life.
What troubles me these days though: if this child will inherit my mental intensity, in combination with my husband's. We originally met years ago spending a night telling each-other about our "craziness". He was a "sane" psychologist back then and I was a crazy active alcoholic scientist. Wheels turned lots... These days we sometimes describe that I am a sober pseudo-scientist and he is a challenged psychologist.
What could come out of the merge of these? But "merging" with my fantasy and also with someone who understands me has been my dream (wish) ever since I remember. It's just how to think about THE result now and..., how to make sure he/she (the child) will have a decent life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Thanks again, friends. I could not possibly and truthfully appreciate how much all these communications on SR have meant for my sobriety and for me just me in general.
Still all good with the preg, just had checks this morning
Here is another somewhat "far out" song that I like right now:
Thank you! )
Still all good with the preg, just had checks this morning
Here is another somewhat "far out" song that I like right now:
Thank you! )
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
My doctor and I also discussed this morning that I may be entering (or re-entering) that neurobiochemical state of pregnancy right now that I already knew from my first (miscarried much later) pregnancy. That wonderful bliss and apparent mental stability. It certainly feels like that, once again.
An interesting association came to mind though today... this mentally "amazing" state most likely generated by pregnancy and pregnancy hormones/chemicals -- isn't it a bit similar to a state of addiction that many of us try to achieve using external substances? Why do some people keep wanting having kids?!
To be honest with all of you, I've tried many different drugs out of curiousity throughout my life. But, for example, never an opiate. I've never had to have surgery or other conditions that would require opiate meds, and somehow they avoided my interest. Or I avoided being interest in pain meds, lol Same for benzos. I've had life-long anxiety but as far as I know I've never taken a benzodiazepine. So no idea how opiates and benzos feel even though intuitively from my experiences with alcohol, I do have an idea.
An interesting association came to mind though today... this mentally "amazing" state most likely generated by pregnancy and pregnancy hormones/chemicals -- isn't it a bit similar to a state of addiction that many of us try to achieve using external substances? Why do some people keep wanting having kids?!
To be honest with all of you, I've tried many different drugs out of curiousity throughout my life. But, for example, never an opiate. I've never had to have surgery or other conditions that would require opiate meds, and somehow they avoided my interest. Or I avoided being interest in pain meds, lol
Same for benzos. I've had life-long anxiety but as far as I know I've never taken a benzodiazepine. So no idea how opiates and benzos feel even though intuitively from my experiences with alcohol, I do have an idea.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
Originally Posted by Aellyce 
BTW, the psychiatrist suggested that I likely underestimate the extent and seriousness of my depressive episodes, given that my personality (by default) is so success oriented. (RobbyRobot here said the same!)
My take of it: yeah maybe I tend to deny it (the depression, or depressive symptoms) as there is also this intense motivation to "overcome" no matter what.
My take of it: yeah maybe I tend to deny it (the depression, or depressive symptoms) as there is also this intense motivation to "overcome" no matter what.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Originally Posted by Dropsie
Aellyce,
I loved being pregnant, but I always thought it was because it was the only time I felt my Ex really loved me. But maybe there was more to it.
I am thinking of you.
I loved being pregnant, but I always thought it was because it was the only time I felt my Ex really loved me. But maybe there was more to it.
I am thinking of you.
I think it's mostly about the physiological changes in the body, including brain chemistry, in my case. I don't see or even subjectively perceive much really different in my external reality, for example, between the turbulent state I was in a couple weeks ago when I posted about it and now. Or compared to when I was not pregnant. It is probably true though that our partners react to us differently (more caring and other things) when we are expecting a child together (given they want the child as well)... it's a biological mechanism after all in relation to wanting to reproduce
It's interesting because I can't drop the thought (or fantasy) that if this state of mind could be re-created in a stable form using medication or something... how awesome that would be... but of course this is the addict talking. I also believe I would feel "bored" with it after a year or so... but once again, this is my well-known self, the stuff we discussed above on this thread how I resist what I subjectively perceive as being ordinary and conventional. But this is exactly what I will need to change and learn how to do differently (at least in a few areas of my life) if I want to be a good mom with a decent family life. Including when the novelty of all this wears off. The good thing is that I genuinely feel this wish and it's quite strong. But I know that the time will come when I will start fantasizing about "escapes" again, so I want to keep myself aware of this and create a plan how to deal with it in the future.
Thanks for the feedback and support, everyone!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
I also think that in some deep subconscious level I have a fear that my husband will leave me with the baby and all these changes and new commitments. If I cease being the unusual and cool "object of desire". Guess I fear that he would start looking for exactly what I was earlier, why quite a few married/committed people have broken it to be with me. I have never experienced abandonment like that in my adult life, simply because I never even risked it. But I did in my childhood, and that's where, I think, the fear comes from. And now, it's about losing or letting go of the role I've played and identified with pretty much in my whole life so far.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Aellyce,
Change is inevitable once you see the little one, but its all part of the biology.
You will never be the same, but in a good way.
Its hard to imagine if you are not a parent, but your emotions and way of thinking automatically adjust upon seeing the child.
Weird but true for everyone I know. Nature's way.
So don't worry bout that.
Change is inevitable once you see the little one, but its all part of the biology.
You will never be the same, but in a good way.
Its hard to imagine if you are not a parent, but your emotions and way of thinking automatically adjust upon seeing the child.
Weird but true for everyone I know. Nature's way.
So don't worry bout that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Hi friends,
Just found out that apparently I am having a boy again (the miscarried baby was also a boy). It's interesting and I can say I'm happy about it
Unlike during the miscarried pregnancy, now I'm on weekly surveillance regarding my pregnancy and my health, with lots of suggestions and plans from my medical team. I'm trying not to get super excited, but I am excited!
Also, the new psychiatrist I wrote about earlier is now part of my medical team. I've made all these arrangements and organizations because I am in a lucky position to be able to do it, as a faculty member of the same major medical school myself. And all covered by insurance.
I have cancelled the international travel plans I had before I found out about this pregnancy. I think it's better for both myself and the baby to decrease stress for now. My own mom was also in quite strict rest regime after her many years of failures with pregnancy, when she finally had me.
I am so happy right now, guys and gals!
Just found out that apparently I am having a boy again (the miscarried baby was also a boy). It's interesting and I can say I'm happy about it
Unlike during the miscarried pregnancy, now I'm on weekly surveillance regarding my pregnancy and my health, with lots of suggestions and plans from my medical team. I'm trying not to get super excited, but I am excited!
Also, the new psychiatrist I wrote about earlier is now part of my medical team. I've made all these arrangements and organizations because I am in a lucky position to be able to do it, as a faculty member of the same major medical school myself. And all covered by insurance.
I have cancelled the international travel plans I had before I found out about this pregnancy. I think it's better for both myself and the baby to decrease stress for now. My own mom was also in quite strict rest regime after her many years of failures with pregnancy, when she finally had me.
I am so happy right now, guys and gals!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Thanks, Leigh
I also want to express my apologies for the community that I don't participate like I did before for a couple years. It's related to what is often said on SR as well: the suggestion to focus on our own recovery first before anything else. I feel I've done a good job with that, and now there are all these new endeavors and issues in my recovery that I want to focus on. But to be honest, I often feel guilty about my not posting much about addiction recovery and about my not working with newcomers that much anymore.
Today I just had this old song on my mind, nothing about addiction, maybe just something about our emotional nature
I also want to express my apologies for the community that I don't participate like I did before for a couple years. It's related to what is often said on SR as well: the suggestion to focus on our own recovery first before anything else. I feel I've done a good job with that, and now there are all these new endeavors and issues in my recovery that I want to focus on. But to be honest, I often feel guilty about my not posting much about addiction recovery and about my not working with newcomers that much anymore.
Today I just had this old song on my mind, nothing about addiction, maybe just something about our emotional nature
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
