Diary of a Mad Cow, Part XIV: "Happy Birthday to Moo"
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,047
Originally Posted by fini 
of longing for deeper connection, and i thought how aptly you had chosen your name here.
it takes courage to ask for this kind of stuff.
or to ask for anything, at times. it implies a lack of sorts, and that can be tough to admit to. shouldn't be so, but....and then there's the risk of nothing coming back that was hoped for.... i feel this place here is not conducive to slow, careful, thoughtful conversation. too many people and it all moves too fast and so often no real back and forth which would encourage deeper sharing.
it takes courage to ask for this kind of stuff.
or to ask for anything, at times. it implies a lack of sorts, and that can be tough to admit to. shouldn't be so, but....and then there's the risk of nothing coming back that was hoped for.... i feel this place here is not conducive to slow, careful, thoughtful conversation. too many people and it all moves too fast and so often no real back and forth which would encourage deeper sharing.
In the spirit of early recovery, here are a few things:
When I was just starting out, I had to do the whole 9 yards. After withdrawal and a couple of weeks of drying out, that meant daily AA meetings (at least daily), calling my sponsor daily, posting here in a class, just holding on through the day. A cigarette on my way to work, to take my mind off the bottle I would normally have stopped in for, and another as the lights in the city were coming up. A couple of tablespoons of rich ice cream in the evening when I really wanted to drink instead (I really hate ice cream). Replacement tactics, most of them, just to bide the time. A lot like some of you are focusing on food or books or TV. I couldn't -- still can't -- read anything except poetry, so I envy you readers that.
The next while I had to feel my way along. It was a question then of the mental obsession, and how to block it.
On the way to work, I'd only look at colors. I'd say to myself, red, red, red, green, green, gray gray gray gray. brown. blue, red red. I still often count steps so as not to think.
In the mornings, I'd visualize my day as pebbles. And discard the bad ones, just in a separate pile, where maybe they'd have a place another time. And the foundation stone, which was that I couldn't and wouldn't drink. And try to imagine a structure of some kind built for the day around the usable, the best pebbles.
It was 9 months before I could imagine hope. But I could eventually, not always but more & more often. So far, I'd say for me it's all been about immersion in beauty, which took a lot of work on removing my self.
If any of that's helpful for wherever you are in your recovery, I'm glad.
Originally Posted by fini
oops, gone off on a tangent.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Isn't life itself just one big tangent between the infinities of pre-existence and post-existence.
Thanks for sharing Bunny, I trying to find adequate routines and focuses to keep me out of trouble, mostly in the morning with wanting a stimulant. Still very, very difficult to just sit in the big blahhhhh of facing another day.
Thanks for sharing Bunny, I trying to find adequate routines and focuses to keep me out of trouble, mostly in the morning with wanting a stimulant. Still very, very difficult to just sit in the big blahhhhh of facing another day.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,047
How's this for blah -- I'd forgotten it until this morning:
In early recovery my head was such a heavy, dull oppression, I often visualized someone drilling a huge hole in the base of my neck and scooping out the sludge, just to empty the whole latrine.
I considered that a real improvement over when I was drinking and spent much of my time trying to decide how to kill myself.
In early recovery my head was such a heavy, dull oppression, I often visualized someone drilling a huge hole in the base of my neck and scooping out the sludge, just to empty the whole latrine.
I considered that a real improvement over when I was drinking and spent much of my time trying to decide how to kill myself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Courage, I think you're very aptly named. Recovery does take courage. To look at myself without the veil of alcohol/hangover/bs excuses for my bs is brave. Having to accept What Is and learn how to navigate sanely is not easy.
You know I'm not a big AA person but I did the program, begrudgingly at first and finally it made since. Then I had to accept I needed to make changes in my habits and in actions. Oy. The first year was hard. Now, it's more habit.
I still have bad days. But now I have more appropriate ways of dealing, And I can catch myself in my BS before it gets away with me. I guess I've named my AV "BS" and have learned how the Beast feels.
Love from Lenina
You know I'm not a big AA person but I did the program, begrudgingly at first and finally it made since. Then I had to accept I needed to make changes in my habits and in actions. Oy. The first year was hard. Now, it's more habit.
I still have bad days. But now I have more appropriate ways of dealing, And I can catch myself in my BS before it gets away with me. I guess I've named my AV "BS" and have learned how the Beast feels.
Love from Lenina
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
Dropsie, I have been thinking about that ever since the cockroach comments by Snark. We have:a cow, bunny/chicken, raccoon (where has she been), chipmunk, turtle, kittykat...etc.
I want to be a cockroach because they can survive anything.
I want to be a cockroach because they can survive anything.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Is okay SnarkChicken, cows is not exactly know for they courage.
I has to say, for me, it rarely has been about "battle addiction," "slay the beast," "fight the disease." I know lot, if not most, people finds strength in those mindsets, but for me is always about making peace with what has become of me, finding acceptance with suffering and loss I experiencing, and somehow get to place where I can be okay with all that and just let it the f*ck go. Is more like, hey booze, we had a good run, then, REALLY bad run, but for sure is long overdue time to say goodbye. Is like a lover you know total not good for you. ...a lover who crawl inside you head and screw up all you brain chemical and eat away at you self and you life, and you KNOW it, but it still take immense fortitude and conviction to let go. I not even mad at booze, is more like ...Hey, chin up, I really just can't see you any more, Malbec.
I has to say, for me, it rarely has been about "battle addiction," "slay the beast," "fight the disease." I know lot, if not most, people finds strength in those mindsets, but for me is always about making peace with what has become of me, finding acceptance with suffering and loss I experiencing, and somehow get to place where I can be okay with all that and just let it the f*ck go. Is more like, hey booze, we had a good run, then, REALLY bad run, but for sure is long overdue time to say goodbye. Is like a lover you know total not good for you. ...a lover who crawl inside you head and screw up all you brain chemical and eat away at you self and you life, and you KNOW it, but it still take immense fortitude and conviction to let go. I not even mad at booze, is more like ...Hey, chin up, I really just can't see you any more, Malbec.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Cow, it is about making peace. I don't know that forgiving is the same as making peace. I don't think I can forgive some things but I can make peace. I can at least move past it.
I still get flare ups of rage from time to time. Most of the time though I figure the Universe will take care of that which I could not. My side of the street is clean and that's the best I can do. I refuse to remain psychically deformed because of someone else's jackassery.
Love from Lenina
I still get flare ups of rage from time to time. Most of the time though I figure the Universe will take care of that which I could not. My side of the street is clean and that's the best I can do. I refuse to remain psychically deformed because of someone else's jackassery.
Love from Lenina
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
Beloved Bovine, you always comment on my anti-verbosity but provoke me to speak. I may be about to spoil the positive thread vibe.
"...making peace with what has become of me..."
That was the hardest part of...well, one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. Divorcing two wives wasn't hard. They were both nutcases, chosen in delirium. Breaks with "friends" the same. The occasional rifts with parents and sisters could be chalked up to the same delirium.
The hard thing was admitting that my "delirium" was self inflicted. I don't have any thing to blame my condition on other than my own choices. Heredity be damned, I did this to myself, to my life and to the people I care about... by my choice.
By Choice.
Try that on for size. "I did all this myself." We aren't talking about a business built or artworks created or a family lovingly nurtured. We're talking about a drug-addled but willful destruction. "I did all this myself."
When I wake up in the morning, I know that my current state of existence is all my making. As my grandfather used to say, "That's a hard row to hoe".
"...making peace with what has become of me..."
That was the hardest part of...well, one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. Divorcing two wives wasn't hard. They were both nutcases, chosen in delirium. Breaks with "friends" the same. The occasional rifts with parents and sisters could be chalked up to the same delirium.
The hard thing was admitting that my "delirium" was self inflicted. I don't have any thing to blame my condition on other than my own choices. Heredity be damned, I did this to myself, to my life and to the people I care about... by my choice.
By Choice.
Try that on for size. "I did all this myself." We aren't talking about a business built or artworks created or a family lovingly nurtured. We're talking about a drug-addled but willful destruction. "I did all this myself."
When I wake up in the morning, I know that my current state of existence is all my making. As my grandfather used to say, "That's a hard row to hoe".
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Cow,
I am with you in trying to find peace with the extremely destructive relationship I had with alcohol, hell I am even trying to find peace in the completely dysfunctional relationship I had with my emotionally abusive sociopath Ex-husband, who still spends most of his time trying to destroy me -- actually now I think about it, there really are some parallels between my Ex and booze.
Back to the point, I know it sounds like fluff, but since its the positive thread, I am trying to be kinder to all my imperfections, of which there are many, but booze was a big one. But I don't agree with my friend turtle that its all my fault and that I choose freely to become a misfit drunk -- there was a lot at play here, and some was free will of course, but some was luck of the draw and the cards I drew, like we all did.
Good night everyone.
I am with you in trying to find peace with the extremely destructive relationship I had with alcohol, hell I am even trying to find peace in the completely dysfunctional relationship I had with my emotionally abusive sociopath Ex-husband, who still spends most of his time trying to destroy me -- actually now I think about it, there really are some parallels between my Ex and booze.
Back to the point, I know it sounds like fluff, but since its the positive thread, I am trying to be kinder to all my imperfections, of which there are many, but booze was a big one. But I don't agree with my friend turtle that its all my fault and that I choose freely to become a misfit drunk -- there was a lot at play here, and some was free will of course, but some was luck of the draw and the cards I drew, like we all did.
Good night everyone.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
Turtle, I remember that moment. It actually got brought up in another thread today. I can honestly say that's as bad as it has gotten on the recovery pain scale for me. It was one of those "catch a glimpse of it...afraid to look it head on" things.
I had that turning point too ***. It was actually right at 6 months. If I wasn't plugged in here and knew about PAWS who knows if I would have progressed. That realization that I was the mastermind of my own pain was overwhelming, I cried for days. We should all be so lucky to be the troublemaker in our own lives, don't you think? At least that we have control over.
I highly suggest the Butter Pecan.
I had that turning point too ***. It was actually right at 6 months. If I wasn't plugged in here and knew about PAWS who knows if I would have progressed. That realization that I was the mastermind of my own pain was overwhelming, I cried for days. We should all be so lucky to be the troublemaker in our own lives, don't you think? At least that we have control over.
I highly suggest the Butter Pecan.
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
Della, don't cry.
Instead, live. Live sober. Know that what we do going forward doesn't depend on our past. We have to let go of our mistakes at some point and focus on what we will do going forward.
Instead, live. Live sober. Know that what we do going forward doesn't depend on our past. We have to let go of our mistakes at some point and focus on what we will do going forward.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 4,252
I have to agree with our Kitty. Lots of love here tonight. These posts really got me thinking. I have had some "blame" going on in my mind. But if I really think about it, I can sure see how my choices played a big part in making me what I am. Yes, some bad things have happened to me but the choices I made didn't help much. I have to say, though, that I did try to do the best thing at the time. I'm having to face some hard facts right now and I'm hoping I have a little more insight into myself than I have had in the past.
Thanks for the thoughtful posts!
Thanks for the thoughtful posts!
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