Diary of a Mad Cow, Part XIV: "Happy Birthday to Moo"
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 283
Sleepier- I love dramas and documentaries.
I especially love documentaries when they look into other people's wacky lives.
Lenina- Memento was a really cool movie! I've seen Chef. I will explore the other too. I so appreciate the suggestion.
I apologize for all my typos. I have a goofy keyboard and I am too lazy to correct everything. It sometimes makes me look like I can't spell but I don't care. When you have cancer, you care very little about well the "little" things.
Puffy
I especially love documentaries when they look into other people's wacky lives.
Lenina- Memento was a really cool movie! I've seen Chef. I will explore the other too. I so appreciate the suggestion.
I apologize for all my typos. I have a goofy keyboard and I am too lazy to correct everything. It sometimes makes me look like I can't spell but I don't care. When you have cancer, you care very little about well the "little" things.
Puffy
One Day At A Time
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,054
Hi, All-
I'm stalking your thread, Cow, so thought I would out myself!
Wanted to add some Netflix ideas....since I credit it to being my best sober buddy, I feel some good press is necessary.
I'm currently on Season 5 of Damages with Glenn Close. White Collar I think was 'cute'. Both would be good for the CSI / Law and Order crowd I would guess. On a series note, I think I have likely watched everything else....the usual suspects of Breaking Bad, Sons of Anarchy etc.
Now I'm on to documentaries. I liked Ballet 422 quite a bit...and Idiot Abroad with Ricky Gervais was good for some travel laughs.
Bojack Horseman- takes a certain type of dry and off sense of humor but since I have that I think it's a fun watch.
I'm up for any recommendations
Enjoy the full moon, everyone. It's a perfectly clear night here in MI, so we do have a beautiful view of it.
I'm stalking your thread, Cow, so thought I would out myself!
Wanted to add some Netflix ideas....since I credit it to being my best sober buddy, I feel some good press is necessary.
I'm currently on Season 5 of Damages with Glenn Close. White Collar I think was 'cute'. Both would be good for the CSI / Law and Order crowd I would guess. On a series note, I think I have likely watched everything else....the usual suspects of Breaking Bad, Sons of Anarchy etc.
Now I'm on to documentaries. I liked Ballet 422 quite a bit...and Idiot Abroad with Ricky Gervais was good for some travel laughs.
Bojack Horseman- takes a certain type of dry and off sense of humor but since I have that I think it's a fun watch.
I'm up for any recommendations
Enjoy the full moon, everyone. It's a perfectly clear night here in MI, so we do have a beautiful view of it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 283
OOh "Crazy Love" sounds interesting.
Dharma- I could use a good binge series. "Damages" could be the one.
"Brother's Keeper" was an interesting doc. These brothers live in a shack. One brother is accused of killing his sibling and this small town rallies around these once outcast brothers. Even though they were outcast the town didn't like people picking on them because they were one of their own.
Dharma- I could use a good binge series. "Damages" could be the one.
"Brother's Keeper" was an interesting doc. These brothers live in a shack. One brother is accused of killing his sibling and this small town rallies around these once outcast brothers. Even though they were outcast the town didn't like people picking on them because they were one of their own.
One Day At A Time
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,054
Nice, I just added those 3 docs to my watchlist.
Damages was so good, wasn't it Sleepie? Fantastic writing and great acting, too- especially Glenn Close. Dang, I really wouldn't want to meet her in a dark alley.
It is definitely binge-able, Puffy!
Damages was so good, wasn't it Sleepie? Fantastic writing and great acting, too- especially Glenn Close. Dang, I really wouldn't want to meet her in a dark alley.
It is definitely binge-able, Puffy!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,413
[QUOTE=courage2;5574065]I apologize.
I kind of hijacked this thread. I'm looking for some thoughtful and honest conversation on these forums about the mental and for want of a better word spiritual side of recovery, and because Cow, you're a very intelligent and verbal person, I looked for it here.
However, I recognize that was a me-thing, resulting from a loss of connection to these forums that's left a hole in my own recovery. It wasn't fair of me to try to ask you or this thread to fill it.
[QUOTE]
Hi Bunny et al. . . I get this part, as I've been pretty disconnected of late from the forum as well. . .
I've been trying to post short supporting comments to old friends and to help Newbies as I can but I am personally feeling pretty lost and detached.
I would like to get on and embrace the next stage of "recovery" even if it entailed processing deeply painful crap from the past,
but I can't seem to find a way to access emotional entry into myself.
I realize there is no "answer" for me to get out of this seemingly eternal twilight of not drinking / not feeling much except
a dull ache in my gut where my emotional center seems to be both located and blocked.
It seems almost as impenetrable as the chunk of hardened fascia tissue in front of my heart.
I would, and could, never speak for Cow, but as a fellow sufferer of Anhedonia,
I try to talk at, talk around, talk ancedotes, to get to the gist but it's as slippery as guts and slides away faster than I can track it.
Then just blank.
I'm doing a "Revolutionary Breath Workshop" to try and open the door with breath,
and she had us do an exercise where we recall a painful memory and breathe through it,
and then a happy one where we breath to that and supposedly "find" we have joy at our breath's fingertips when we choose.
It comes as no surprise to those of you who know me, that I found the pain,
and sinking into the pain, pretty effortless, but for the life of me had no luck finding a glimmer of joy or laughter.
This is the daily grind anhedonics face [that Cow articulates so well]
It "explains" our addiction in that our drinking was what linked to the emotional connection / rush of FEELING which is taken for granted by those who feel.
Booze, albeit a false friend, gave a sense of being human that sobriety has removed, at least for the Now that is all we have and it is lonely here.
I know, and choose to believe, there is some way to ascend out of this gloomy forest of self, but damned if I have found the road yet. . .
As Mr. Frost would say
the woods are lovely, dark and deep
but I have promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
and miles to go before I sleep
I kind of hijacked this thread. I'm looking for some thoughtful and honest conversation on these forums about the mental and for want of a better word spiritual side of recovery, and because Cow, you're a very intelligent and verbal person, I looked for it here.
However, I recognize that was a me-thing, resulting from a loss of connection to these forums that's left a hole in my own recovery. It wasn't fair of me to try to ask you or this thread to fill it.
[QUOTE]
Hi Bunny et al. . . I get this part, as I've been pretty disconnected of late from the forum as well. . .
I've been trying to post short supporting comments to old friends and to help Newbies as I can but I am personally feeling pretty lost and detached.
I would like to get on and embrace the next stage of "recovery" even if it entailed processing deeply painful crap from the past,
but I can't seem to find a way to access emotional entry into myself.
I realize there is no "answer" for me to get out of this seemingly eternal twilight of not drinking / not feeling much except
a dull ache in my gut where my emotional center seems to be both located and blocked.
It seems almost as impenetrable as the chunk of hardened fascia tissue in front of my heart.
I would, and could, never speak for Cow, but as a fellow sufferer of Anhedonia,
I try to talk at, talk around, talk ancedotes, to get to the gist but it's as slippery as guts and slides away faster than I can track it.
Then just blank.
I'm doing a "Revolutionary Breath Workshop" to try and open the door with breath,
and she had us do an exercise where we recall a painful memory and breathe through it,
and then a happy one where we breath to that and supposedly "find" we have joy at our breath's fingertips when we choose.
It comes as no surprise to those of you who know me, that I found the pain,
and sinking into the pain, pretty effortless, but for the life of me had no luck finding a glimmer of joy or laughter.
This is the daily grind anhedonics face [that Cow articulates so well]
It "explains" our addiction in that our drinking was what linked to the emotional connection / rush of FEELING which is taken for granted by those who feel.
Booze, albeit a false friend, gave a sense of being human that sobriety has removed, at least for the Now that is all we have and it is lonely here.
I know, and choose to believe, there is some way to ascend out of this gloomy forest of self, but damned if I have found the road yet. . .
As Mr. Frost would say
the woods are lovely, dark and deep
but I have promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
and miles to go before I sleep
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,350
Thank you Hawkeye.
I would like to get on and embrace the next stage of "recovery" even if it entailed processing deeply painful crap from the past, but I can't seem to find a way to access emotional entry into myself.
I didn't understand it was like that for some people. For me it washes over me and demands attention. Either I deal with it or remain in a state of constant anger. Accessing it wasn't the problem.
I would like to get on and embrace the next stage of "recovery" even if it entailed processing deeply painful crap from the past, but I can't seem to find a way to access emotional entry into myself.
I didn't understand it was like that for some people. For me it washes over me and demands attention. Either I deal with it or remain in a state of constant anger. Accessing it wasn't the problem.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
First of all 
Bunny
Apologies accepted, of course. Always. Thank you for that.
And thank you, Hawk. I think is understandable very, very hard for non-anhedonic to understand this state of being. Especially for humans who is emotional volatile/chaotic like perhaps SR or a certain bunny. Is so foreign from that.
I know you get it. I hate when therapist, healer or even you friends is talking bout "what was happiest time you remember" or "think of one of you favorite memory" or "that was best year of my life" or other such things. Is like, um... uh.... yeah, I got nothing. Is no joy inside me that blocked and just waiting to come out if I breathe right way or looks deeper within. I starting from scratch with that, if such thing even possible. I think is possible, at least little bit.
Last decade or so, I pretty anhedonic even when using, Hawk. But using help me not notice it as much. And once in while, I could still find just the right mad scientist magic potion combo of stimulant and booze to make me experience fake feeling that I engaged in life for brief period of time. It feel pleasant. But at very high price. Can't do that anymore, even if I wanted to, as is really end of the line with the using. It killing me.
So, thing is Bunny, you and others is maybe moving through different emotional/spiritual stages of sobriety and having conflict in relationship and wanting to process past pains and such. Whereas for me, I not really have substantial relationship, I not in any conflict with anything but own mental state, and I not a tumble of emotions, so much as is all just big never-ending blur of depression and anhedonia that now is much more in my face since I quit.
I has to find some relief for that. And then, gods willing, I has to create whole new life that something more than ...just nothing. Maybe that will be my Stage 2. Everybody here know I got a lot I can and has complain about in past and present, but now I feel to try something new, and stop focus on my conditions and complaints. Is just something to try in hopes of somehow inching toward some other kind of mental/emotional life before I gives up and succumb to misery of what I have been, and am, living.
Is that make sense?
Also, I encourage you and any one else to talk about what recovery mean to them and where they at with it. Is room here for deep and doofus conversations.
Bunny
Apologies accepted, of course. Always. Thank you for that. And thank you, Hawk. I think is understandable very, very hard for non-anhedonic to understand this state of being. Especially for humans who is emotional volatile/chaotic like perhaps SR or a certain bunny. Is so foreign from that.
I know you get it. I hate when therapist, healer or even you friends is talking bout "what was happiest time you remember" or "think of one of you favorite memory" or "that was best year of my life" or other such things. Is like, um... uh.... yeah, I got nothing. Is no joy inside me that blocked and just waiting to come out if I breathe right way or looks deeper within. I starting from scratch with that, if such thing even possible. I think is possible, at least little bit.
Last decade or so, I pretty anhedonic even when using, Hawk. But using help me not notice it as much. And once in while, I could still find just the right mad scientist magic potion combo of stimulant and booze to make me experience fake feeling that I engaged in life for brief period of time. It feel pleasant. But at very high price. Can't do that anymore, even if I wanted to, as is really end of the line with the using. It killing me.
So, thing is Bunny, you and others is maybe moving through different emotional/spiritual stages of sobriety and having conflict in relationship and wanting to process past pains and such. Whereas for me, I not really have substantial relationship, I not in any conflict with anything but own mental state, and I not a tumble of emotions, so much as is all just big never-ending blur of depression and anhedonia that now is much more in my face since I quit.
I has to find some relief for that. And then, gods willing, I has to create whole new life that something more than ...just nothing. Maybe that will be my Stage 2. Everybody here know I got a lot I can and has complain about in past and present, but now I feel to try something new, and stop focus on my conditions and complaints. Is just something to try in hopes of somehow inching toward some other kind of mental/emotional life before I gives up and succumb to misery of what I have been, and am, living.
Is that make sense?
Also, I encourage you and any one else to talk about what recovery mean to them and where they at with it. Is room here for deep and doofus conversations.
Omnivore
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Winter Water Wonder Land
Posts: 516
I have only skimmed the surface of this thread today, but let me say, there is a fine line between being light hearted, fun, frisky and meaningless. I agree with bunny that we sometimes stray to the more meaningless side of the line. Then again I used to become drowned when the conversation moved to the deep end of the pool.
Cow though, never. Our host is always on the right sides of the lines. IMHO.
Cow though, never. Our host is always on the right sides of the lines. IMHO.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,025
Dear Cow, I'm always on your side. I have my own personal pains right now that are very different from where you're at in recovery. I reached out to this thread in a misplaced way, but in the spirit of reaching out to bring you and others here towards me, not of pushing you or anyone else away.
I'll be around as long as you and my other friends here can stand me. This is very, very hard for me though. I will try to remember your anhedonia and early stage of recovery, if you'll try to remember that my last experience crying because I feared the loss of a friend was 45 years ago, and it terrifies me.
I'll be around as long as you and my other friends here can stand me. This is very, very hard for me though. I will try to remember your anhedonia and early stage of recovery, if you'll try to remember that my last experience crying because I feared the loss of a friend was 45 years ago, and it terrifies me.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,350
:crosses arms, taps foot, sourpuss look on face:
emotional volatile/chaotic like perhaps SR
Listen here you little....OK busted. That is the problem I have mostly. How to turn down the volume.
emotional volatile/chaotic like perhaps SR
Listen here you little....OK busted. That is the problem I have mostly. How to turn down the volume.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 4,252
Here's something I learned: How to stay in the present moment. I sometimes get so wrapped up in fear that I really go off the deep end. Way off. When that happens I will do just about anything to not have to feel or even look at my fears. So I don't look at them. It helps me to consciously switch my mind to thoughts of what is happening right at the present moment. Even if I'm peeping up from an abyss. It helps me to calm down to focus on what is right it front of me. Outside of me. That yes, I have enough to eat. A clean place to sleep, a loving family. A kitten. A dog. Cute little granddaughters. A sweet husband. My life is peaceful at this moment. It helps me to think of these basic things while I am slogging through my own wretched head.
I have to say I am coming out of my depression as I heal from the Benzodiazepines. It has been a long haul. I am here to tell you there is, for me, life after alcohol, Vicodin and Valium. I am just beginning to see it. And feel it.
I have to say I am coming out of my depression as I heal from the Benzodiazepines. It has been a long haul. I am here to tell you there is, for me, life after alcohol, Vicodin and Valium. I am just beginning to see it. And feel it.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,025
Stay in the present.
Focus on what's right in front of me, outside of me. From the passenger seat. That's where I allowed myself to be in early recovery. All I had to do was not drink and let the wind hit me in the face.
Silentrun sent me a video re my avatar. Which I liked
About being in the driver's seat. Where maybe I'd like to try to be now. But it terms of allowing yourself to open up to the state of being human and sober, shotgun is where to sit:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8Qx7XmAogs
Hard dancing can give great relief.
Focus on what's right in front of me, outside of me. From the passenger seat. That's where I allowed myself to be in early recovery. All I had to do was not drink and let the wind hit me in the face.
Silentrun sent me a video re my avatar. Which I liked
About being in the driver's seat. Where maybe I'd like to try to be now. But it terms of allowing yourself to open up to the state of being human and sober, shotgun is where to sit:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8Qx7XmAogs
Hard dancing can give great relief.
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