Sorry guys
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Sorry guys
Another thread. I don't want to be selfish.
But this sucks! I slept for an hour earlier. Then I awoke feeling weird and sweating.
So begins tonight's anxiety. I would love nothing more than to take an extra few mg's of valium and get the best night's rest ever but instead I am going to continue to exist in this sweaty, restless, weak state until I exist in another state. This is just no good.
Thank you for your steady support guys
I only hope I look back on this in a few months and it's faded like a nightmare...
But this sucks! I slept for an hour earlier. Then I awoke feeling weird and sweating.
So begins tonight's anxiety. I would love nothing more than to take an extra few mg's of valium and get the best night's rest ever but instead I am going to continue to exist in this sweaty, restless, weak state until I exist in another state. This is just no good.
Thank you for your steady support guys
I only hope I look back on this in a few months and it's faded like a nightmare...
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Thanks guys, I sure hope there's a chance I can feel normal and healthy again someday. This is almost as bad as being hungover every day. It scares me that I feel this way, like only something worse can be around the corner.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Bellingham
Posts: 513
I was reading about MnM's withdrawls from benzos. He said he was up for 2 weeks straight. Sounds very hard.
Today ended OK. I felt so pissed off and ready to drink this morning, but then I accepted the situation. No bar, no human contact, no sudden change of venues. Just the lonely day. I felt deflated. Meek, is the word. What if one can approach life from this condition and what if that is actually strength, only the week think it's reversed, that strength is bluster and self assertion. That as you withdrawal you are reaching toward the strength of origins.
I've been a bad sleeper for as long as I can remember. I have this Ikea closet at the foot of my bed and when I'm half awake, starring at it in the night with my coats draped over it, for a few moments it seems alive, takes on different animal forms. I have to sort it out, that it's not a creature but just coats. And then I fall back into dreams of chasing an invisible presence, an aspect of myself probably, through unknown rooms within the old architecture of a big house, a mansion, a building where I've never been.
Sometimes I listen to stories on tape on youtube, Poe, HP Lovecraft, Borges. This is good:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LuFBXQ0lEe4
Today ended OK. I felt so pissed off and ready to drink this morning, but then I accepted the situation. No bar, no human contact, no sudden change of venues. Just the lonely day. I felt deflated. Meek, is the word. What if one can approach life from this condition and what if that is actually strength, only the week think it's reversed, that strength is bluster and self assertion. That as you withdrawal you are reaching toward the strength of origins.
I've been a bad sleeper for as long as I can remember. I have this Ikea closet at the foot of my bed and when I'm half awake, starring at it in the night with my coats draped over it, for a few moments it seems alive, takes on different animal forms. I have to sort it out, that it's not a creature but just coats. And then I fall back into dreams of chasing an invisible presence, an aspect of myself probably, through unknown rooms within the old architecture of a big house, a mansion, a building where I've never been.
Sometimes I listen to stories on tape on youtube, Poe, HP Lovecraft, Borges. This is good:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LuFBXQ0lEe4
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
How irritating... our new neighbors, who are drama and fighting and cops at the door a number of times now, are as usual smoking pot. This began at 9 this morning and it stinks like a pair of used gym socks being burnt, oh how I wish they'd have another fight so the cops would take one away again... Supposedly they are gone at the end of the month. Landlord already knows all about it.
It's disgusting to the point of distraction. I have always detested the smell of that crap.
It's disgusting to the point of distraction. I have always detested the smell of that crap.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: OZ
Posts: 2,055
Hugs sleepie...you are doing so well, I love your mindset...
...Over 30 years ago I went through the same thing.
It took me ages to get that first total night of natural sleep but when it happened it was like heaven...I have a huge appreciation of natural sleep..
I do not know if it will help but when I would be lying there, desperately needing sleep..I would tell myself that I would only have to do it once and never again and now it was 'time to pay the piper'....I would say things like,
"I got myself in this mess and now I will get myself out."..' it helped me through the long days and nights.
It will get better, it so very important that you are eating good nutritious food...I believe the sleep deprivation puts a massive toll on our bodies and immune system..
..think green drinks and whole foods!
...Over 30 years ago I went through the same thing.
It took me ages to get that first total night of natural sleep but when it happened it was like heaven...I have a huge appreciation of natural sleep..
I do not know if it will help but when I would be lying there, desperately needing sleep..I would tell myself that I would only have to do it once and never again and now it was 'time to pay the piper'....I would say things like,
"I got myself in this mess and now I will get myself out."..' it helped me through the long days and nights.
It will get better, it so very important that you are eating good nutritious food...I believe the sleep deprivation puts a massive toll on our bodies and immune system..
..think green drinks and whole foods!
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
You equate a grilled cheese sandwich with "totally caved"?
No wonder you have insecurities. Someone has misled you.
One grilled cheese sandwich is a meal. A dozen grilled cheese sandwiches in a row is a problem. There's a difference.
No wonder you have insecurities. Someone has misled you.
One grilled cheese sandwich is a meal. A dozen grilled cheese sandwiches in a row is a problem. There's a difference.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Sigh. Well I awoke to yet another high blood sugar. Great way to start my day.
I'm just going to stop eating. That's what I get for eating a grilled cheese.
Glad I stopped everything so I could watch my health get worse and worse. Really reaping the rewards of sobriety between that and being a nervous wreck that can't sleep. Looking forward to watching myself decay, maybe a few years down the road I can go blind, which I'm already at risk for or get something amputated. Or I'll just find out I have cirrhosis anyway. That's pretty much how my life goes, just good news all the time.
I'm just going to stop eating. That's what I get for eating a grilled cheese.
Glad I stopped everything so I could watch my health get worse and worse. Really reaping the rewards of sobriety between that and being a nervous wreck that can't sleep. Looking forward to watching myself decay, maybe a few years down the road I can go blind, which I'm already at risk for or get something amputated. Or I'll just find out I have cirrhosis anyway. That's pretty much how my life goes, just good news all the time.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
No no! Don't take any benzos, don't drink!
Of course you are irritable, you haven't gotten any decent sleep. Diabetes is totally manageable - it just takes time to figure out. Nothing wrong with grilled cheese!
C'mon, girl - you're going to make it just fine.
Of course you are irritable, you haven't gotten any decent sleep. Diabetes is totally manageable - it just takes time to figure out. Nothing wrong with grilled cheese!
C'mon, girl - you're going to make it just fine.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by sleepie 
I would love nothing more than to take an extra few mg's of valium and get the best night's rest ever but instead I am going to continue to exist in this sweaty, restless, weak state until I exist in another state.
In a few months things were so much better and I was no longer married to the pills and the liquid devil.
Mountainmanbob
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