Diary of a Mad Cow, Part IX: "Moo & Improved"
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
it would make me laugh if it didn't make me cringe, knowing how obnoxious I still am and trying to imagine how much more obnoxious I must have been when I was drinking.
geeeez courage, will you EVER just accept a positive remark as the positive it is meant to convey????
OMG, you'll probably turn this into a criticism, too...which i guess it could be...if it weren't really an encouragement to just accept that wow how nice: others are noticing a lovely change you're accomplishing. yes, accomplishing. work you've done. are doing.
i'm messing this up, but you know what i'm saying.
double
geeeez courage, will you EVER just accept a positive remark as the positive it is meant to convey????
OMG, you'll probably turn this into a criticism, too...which i guess it could be...if it weren't really an encouragement to just accept that wow how nice: others are noticing a lovely change you're accomplishing. yes, accomplishing. work you've done. are doing.
i'm messing this up, but you know what i'm saying.
double
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,044
fini, thanks for the credit & yes, I do recognize the positive side -- we actually talked for a couple of minutes and I told him I was working on it & he said it showed, which was an unusually untainted interchange between us. But you have to realize that he was also very purposefully and obviously reminding me that although I've been rehabilitated in the eyes of some of the senior administration, I could blow it any time. There were a few years I was actually blacklisted from many professional activities. That kind of messaging is just how things work in my world. It's a very manipulative climate, with massive egos fighting over scraps of power and prestige. No one is wow how nice.
Thanks still. And
Cow, I suggest you don't over-plan the exchange with your old friend. Meet up with her and find out why she contacted you -- it sounds kind of out of the blue. Maybe she has something she needs to share. I think you should be honest about your own current situation, but no need to make a giant deal of it -- if she's not an addict/alcoholic, she's not likely to understand anyway. Everybody's got a sack of rocks.
Thanks still. And
Cow, I suggest you don't over-plan the exchange with your old friend. Meet up with her and find out why she contacted you -- it sounds kind of out of the blue. Maybe she has something she needs to share. I think you should be honest about your own current situation, but no need to make a giant deal of it -- if she's not an addict/alcoholic, she's not likely to understand anyway. Everybody's got a sack of rocks.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Cow, personally, I'd seriously reconsider spilling the beans like that with an old childhood friend via Facebook. I know you all might disagree, judging from the replies. But there is no way I'd reveal that sort of info about myself to a childhood friend... not sure what sort of high school experience all of you had, but mine wasn't all rosy. I haven't seen those people since college days and don't plan to. This is one perspective, and I certainly don't intend to be a negative influence, but this is what's going through my mind right now.
If you met, had coffee, yadda yadda yadda, then end up hanging out together a few times... and still have a good connection, yeah maybe then.
If you met, had coffee, yadda yadda yadda, then end up hanging out together a few times... and still have a good connection, yeah maybe then.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,044
^^^what the Sober sisters said is what I really meant. On the other hand, I don't think you need to lie -- don't tell her everything is peachy keen. If she's anything like the people I know, she won't even notice -- she'll ask a perfunctory question about how you are, push past a vague response like "ups & downs" and start to unload her own stuff.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Originally Posted by fini 
ah Cow,
be authentic with your old friend with who you are and you never have to wonder if she's hanging around because of who you're pretending to be.
it's a win-win even if you never hear from her again.
no use having someone in our life because of fakery, eh?
be authentic with your old friend with who you are and you never have to wonder if she's hanging around because of who you're pretending to be.
it's a win-win even if you never hear from her again.
no use having someone in our life because of fakery, eh?
She contacted you because she has always liked you. Your reality is very touching and likable.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
I heard this song a few months ago and it made me smile. Here ya go Courage!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHdcPlfwmkg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHdcPlfwmkg
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,044
Originally Posted by silentrun
I heard this song a few months ago and it made me smile. Here ya go Courage!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHdcPlfwmkg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHdcPlfwmkg
I can be good and I can be sober, just both at a time is hard!
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
No boys in Crones Club!
SJ, my friend live in Boise, so I not think we getting coffee any time soon. And plus also, I NOT ALLOWED TO HAS COFFEE, Jesus! (I just teasing you.) Well, I call her. We was friends in grade school, I think like 3rd - 8th grade, then she go to different high school.
We was serious BFF though, over each other house every day. I not think many kids has that kind of BFF anymore.
Anyway, I end up being total TMI blabber mouth. I think, I just not able to do the pretending thing anymore (excepting in any and all business/professional situation). She actual was there and witness my raging momma and "odd" pappa, but she had no clue what I going through or that I had go into cutting and alcohol and drugs. She suspect eating disorder cuz I had got so very thin in high school. She apologize for not realizing something was up. I say, listen, we was kids, and also, YOU was person I felt safe with and trusted, so even though neither of us conscious of it, you was my lifeline.
Then she share that her life in purgatory for decades also, due to her being total overwhelm by being mom of 3 girls. Plus also her sister got shot by boyfriend and almost died, then her momma get cancer, then go in remission, then her pappa die of lung disease, after which her momma cancer come back and she die. So all this go on over years and years and she stress out for so long, her adrenal crash and she in bed for month.
Doctors not really know what to do with that kind of mysterious auto-immune adrenal crap, so now for last 10 years she not working and barely function and easily exhausted and feel guilty and her husband giving her the side eye. She just now feel like new doctor maybe getting little bit of handle on it. So maybe is Renaissance coming for both of us.
Was great 3 1/2 hour conversation, and she tell me lot of story about my childhood which I never would recall myself. Apparently I lot of fun to hang out with, but never reveal my feelings back then. (shocker!) Then we talk about spirituality (and my lack there of) and death and what life all about.
I very grateful my nootropic cocktail working enough to enable me to be sober and present for this reunion. I admit to her I not present or sober or even remember few times we had talk or meet up over past few decades. She wonderful person and we gonna keep in touch lot more.
Now before you think everything coming up roses for Cow, I think I starting to have adverse reaction to my nootropic cocktail. Is manifest in nerve irritations and skin prickles. That almost always signs that lead back to whatever supplement I taking. However, I not gonna freak, I gonna maybe go to every other day regimen and see what happen. But Universe, I swears to gods, if you screw me over on this, I will lose my... oh wait, I not gonna freak, that right. Okay then. Hope you all is doing well.
SJ, my friend live in Boise, so I not think we getting coffee any time soon. And plus also, I NOT ALLOWED TO HAS COFFEE, Jesus! (I just teasing you.) Well, I call her. We was friends in grade school, I think like 3rd - 8th grade, then she go to different high school.
We was serious BFF though, over each other house every day. I not think many kids has that kind of BFF anymore.Anyway, I end up being total TMI blabber mouth. I think, I just not able to do the pretending thing anymore (excepting in any and all business/professional situation). She actual was there and witness my raging momma and "odd" pappa, but she had no clue what I going through or that I had go into cutting and alcohol and drugs. She suspect eating disorder cuz I had got so very thin in high school. She apologize for not realizing something was up. I say, listen, we was kids, and also, YOU was person I felt safe with and trusted, so even though neither of us conscious of it, you was my lifeline.
Then she share that her life in purgatory for decades also, due to her being total overwhelm by being mom of 3 girls. Plus also her sister got shot by boyfriend and almost died, then her momma get cancer, then go in remission, then her pappa die of lung disease, after which her momma cancer come back and she die. So all this go on over years and years and she stress out for so long, her adrenal crash and she in bed for month.
Doctors not really know what to do with that kind of mysterious auto-immune adrenal crap, so now for last 10 years she not working and barely function and easily exhausted and feel guilty and her husband giving her the side eye. She just now feel like new doctor maybe getting little bit of handle on it. So maybe is Renaissance coming for both of us.
Was great 3 1/2 hour conversation, and she tell me lot of story about my childhood which I never would recall myself. Apparently I lot of fun to hang out with, but never reveal my feelings back then. (shocker!) Then we talk about spirituality (and my lack there of) and death and what life all about.
I very grateful my nootropic cocktail working enough to enable me to be sober and present for this reunion. I admit to her I not present or sober or even remember few times we had talk or meet up over past few decades. She wonderful person and we gonna keep in touch lot more.
Now before you think everything coming up roses for Cow, I think I starting to have adverse reaction to my nootropic cocktail. Is manifest in nerve irritations and skin prickles. That almost always signs that lead back to whatever supplement I taking. However, I not gonna freak, I gonna maybe go to every other day regimen and see what happen. But Universe, I swears to gods, if you screw me over on this, I will lose my... oh wait, I not gonna freak, that right. Okay then. Hope you all is doing well.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
cougar wing? nah but a tad pole wing would work for me.
cow, I used to baby sit a lot back in my teen years. One family was very social and went out quite a bit. They had five kids, I enjoyed them but always felt something wasnt right. the baby in the family was a little girl, about six. She used to always wake up after all the kids were sleeping and cry. I thought she had nightmares. I would hold her on my lap in the rocking chair and just rock her. She would usually go back to sleep.
my sister was her age, knew her. seems her Pappa was abusing her. I only found this out a few years ago! poor, poor little girl. I never knew. I was barely 15 myself.
There have been some major solar flares the last few days. between that and the full moon, I've been extra irritable. Like I need to slap someone toothless. I've had a bad day. so maybe it's not the new supplements but cutting back to every other day might be good just in case it's not the moon.
Oh, dang, I saw an article about a real,live Crones Motel. I don't know how to copy the article. It's in Europe and the name is Babbayagqas....I may have spelled it wrong.....that means grannies in Hungarian, I think it is. Maybe we can start a chain of them here. LOL
Love from CAL
cow, I used to baby sit a lot back in my teen years. One family was very social and went out quite a bit. They had five kids, I enjoyed them but always felt something wasnt right. the baby in the family was a little girl, about six. She used to always wake up after all the kids were sleeping and cry. I thought she had nightmares. I would hold her on my lap in the rocking chair and just rock her. She would usually go back to sleep.
my sister was her age, knew her. seems her Pappa was abusing her. I only found this out a few years ago! poor, poor little girl. I never knew. I was barely 15 myself.
There have been some major solar flares the last few days. between that and the full moon, I've been extra irritable. Like I need to slap someone toothless. I've had a bad day. so maybe it's not the new supplements but cutting back to every other day might be good just in case it's not the moon.
Oh, dang, I saw an article about a real,live Crones Motel. I don't know how to copy the article. It's in Europe and the name is Babbayagqas....I may have spelled it wrong.....that means grannies in Hungarian, I think it is. Maybe we can start a chain of them here. LOL
Love from CAL
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
no, you're not going to freak!
freaking...well, for me that was always a set-up. felt out of my control, something "made me" freak, things and people and happenings , but in reality i was looking for the freaking so i could drink again and justify.
may be entirely different for you. and maybe i'm re-writing history as i'm not entirely sure if i was or could have been aware of it at the time.
i do remember one time very clearly in my many attempts to quit smoking , on my way driving home from work some jerk cut me off and something else pissed me off and i was relieved. oh yes. "oh good! i can smoke now!"
all that is an aside
Now before you think everything coming up roses for Cow...]
come on, Cow. give us some credit. highly improbable anyone here would think everything coming up roses for Cow.
sure great to hear of the genuine reconnection with your old new friend though...plenty of roses right there.
freaking...well, for me that was always a set-up. felt out of my control, something "made me" freak, things and people and happenings , but in reality i was looking for the freaking so i could drink again and justify.
may be entirely different for you. and maybe i'm re-writing history as i'm not entirely sure if i was or could have been aware of it at the time.
i do remember one time very clearly in my many attempts to quit smoking , on my way driving home from work some jerk cut me off and something else pissed me off and i was relieved. oh yes. "oh good! i can smoke now!"
all that is an aside
Now before you think everything coming up roses for Cow...]
come on, Cow. give us some credit. highly improbable anyone here would think everything coming up roses for Cow.
sure great to hear of the genuine reconnection with your old new friend though...plenty of roses right there.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,044
If there aren't any boys allowed in the Crones Club, count me out. I like to keep at least one close at hand. 
Cow, I'm glad you & your friend had a good re-bonding. You sound very energized, whether by that or by whatever you're taking, I don't know.
I don't know how long it's been since you had a drink, but I suggest just one thing -- if you feel tempted to drink or abuse any substances, please post here before you do anything.
Cow, I'm glad you & your friend had a good re-bonding. You sound very energized, whether by that or by whatever you're taking, I don't know.
I don't know how long it's been since you had a drink, but I suggest just one thing -- if you feel tempted to drink or abuse any substances, please post here before you do anything.
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