|
Diary of a Mad Cow, Part IX: "Moo & Improved" Hello Kittens, is Cow! You maybe remember me from such tediously hopeless and relentlessly bereft threads as “Diary of a Mad Cow, Part I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, and VIII.” You maybe thinking, "Sweet Jesus, I just can no take yet more postings from that sad, dreary Cow!" And who can blames you?! Hell, even I only make it through one Season of True Tori. But, I has announcement. I think maybe you sit down, yes? I SAID SIT DOWN! Okay, so recently, for first time in longer time than I remember… I chuckled. Okay. Alright. Calm the hell down! I not rolling about with laughter or anything, but I has to say, it feel really good. It has happen more than a couple time now. But Cow, you ask? How is this possible?! You has always been our belove total morose anhedonic zombie Borg! Well, first, I finally cut head off snake and let go of daily caffeine. I still using little bit, but only as medicine if a depressive state become truly catastrophic. Also, I find right combination of nootropics that starting to help shift and rebuild brain chemistry. Was lot of trial and error with these supplements, 10 year of it, but it final seem to be combination that working. I hopes to god it not like “Awakenings” and it only gonna work for month and then everything go to stone cold anhedonic hell again, but I choose to think positive. No get me wrong, Cupcakes. I still mostly existing in the turbulent and fragile extremes of anhedonia and depressions, but is now tiniest of slenderest of sliver of crack in what has seem like lifetime of unrelenting darkness, so by gods, I’ll take it! I had thought to wait ‘til I feeling more confident that this is real change before posting again, but, truth is, I missing you guys. So fair warnings: I still on trecherous recovery rollercoaster for sure, but whether I headed for true turning point or just gonna careen off rails in fiery crash again, I wish for you to be with me.* Hell, you has come this far, right? *In event of fiery crash, Cow not liable for any physical or psychological injuries, including, but no limited to, dismemberment, incontinence and post traumatic cow disorder. If you experience death lasting more than 4 hour, see you doctor immediately. [last part here - http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-value-21.html ~ D] |
Cow, nice to hear you Moo again :) Happy for you that the nootropics might be helping! That is good news! Glad you're back with us.... |
Good to see you posting again Cow. I'm not expecting to get to fine and dandy all at once, gotta get the fine thing all worked out before I start on the dandy part. |
yay Cow! It's a good sign Cow that those things are helping. Improvement seemed to take F O R E V E R when I stopped. In reality it wasn't that long considering what I had been doing so anything this positive is awesome. When you said bite the head of the snake I thought of the Honey Badger. The venom should have killed him but he just took a "nap". |
When you in true darkness, like in a cave, tiny speck of light, such as single match, can seem incredible bright and glorious. It like I living in deprivation chamber forever, and suddenly is tiny spot of light and is wonderful. Is like, OMG, am I final gonna get out?! At same time, I cautious to trust it. What if it go away and leave me in dark again? Not can go there though, cuz if I go there, then I go into whole overwhelming spiral of how big of mess I still has to clean up, and how I has to get a life, and work through grief of missing out on entire life until now. And... "They flutter behind you, the banners and flags, of your possible pasts, lie in tatters and rags." ~Pink Floyd, Final Cut |
Glad to have you back and sparking, Cow :) D |
Oooh Cow! You just reminded me of one of my favorite songs from early recovery! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PdaaGlyu7EQ I've been in a cave for 40 days...only a spark to light my way... |
Thank you, Salvador D. So how everybody else doing? I was read a lot on here. I look for you all, but you rarely make new postings, so is hard to find you. Sometime I see you in other thread, but is not place I feel I has anything to offer. I did see B2Sq1 post on ruminations, but, I still ruminating on what to offer. SR, I remembers that song! That some serious 80's Lost Boys' synth cheese. Kiefer still hot! Like INXS song from that one too. |
Cow. What can I say... ...beside's...MOOOOOooooooooooooooo.... Glad you is back. :-) |
wowcow, you miss us? that's fantastic! i remember a post of yours from long ago where you were quite clear you don't care one way or another, so this seems a step up from that...or sideways :) good to see you again and hear that the brain-chemical-soup is getting fine-tuned with some success nothing much new here. spent a week at a cabin on an island, hiked, read, knit, read more. and then read some more. interspersed with making some good meals and going to the bakery for the beverage which shall remain un-named and a cookie. perfect holiday. |
Hi Cow -- I'm good or not really in that I have an extremely intense headache brought on by sleep deprivation and a work trip to one of the armpits of the many-armed beast that is Washington DC, brought to us all by the military-industrial complex. But I made it home. I've been a little wired lately and finding it very hard to come down gently or at all, but drinking just isn't a viable option any more. So I'm instead learning what it's like to live with my brain day-in, day-out. It's exhausting, 's what it is! Glad you chuckled. :) |
Bunny, I forget what you do, is we bombing somebody new this week? At this point, you would has to pry sleepy pill from my cold dead hooves. I total go nuts on no sleep. I try lot of the herb and supplement for relax and sleep but none of those work, so I still on the benzos. But, you know, one or two dragon at a time is about all one can slay, yes? |
Originally Posted by Cow
(Post 4997142)
one or two dragon at a time is about all one can slay, yes? I'm just an academic but my discipline has been much supported by the military not for actions in the field but for training. Interesting work, really, if you can afford it. |
Uh huh. Well that vague. None of benzos help me sleep either 'til I find flurazepam. Is no high of any kind, just all of sudden you feel like you gotta sleep. And I has been at same dosage for 7 year without has to take more, so that rare success for me. Of course, I want to get off it all the same, as no way it not contribute to anhedonia. |
It's great to see you back, Cow! So very nice to hear about your recent chuckling! :) |
Glad you are back, Cow. Baby steps are good; they are where we all started (and to which we retreat when in need). |
How awesome r u?!! (((Cow))) :hug: :) :You_Rock_ :scoregood |
((((((((((((((COW)))))))))))))))))) You can't even possibly imagine how freakishly joyful this has made me. Well, you probably can, cuz you know old Gladass Happybutt over here !!! but OMG !!!!! It's happening ! Don't Stop, Don't Give Up! - YouTube :e100: |
|
Mmm, no, I not awesome, Robot. But I not aiming for awesome, I just aiming for to be average, pleasant, and just kind of normal, you know? Also, I hope to be good person someday. And no, I not very good person yet. Anhedonics is mostly apathetic and very selfish. Like when I say I miss you guys, well fini, I has to confess, that cuz I mostly miss what I get out of it. I a needy, smelly barnacle sucking up you encouragements and support. Although, I has to say, I did feel very bad that I let Trach down and he have to leave last thread cuz my addict behavior endanger him. And I secretly check up on him. Also, I have soft spot for Guinea Pig, cuz she still in the hole. And I did make sincere efforts to fully repair kerfluffles with Robot and AO ...hmm, that maybe something, yes? Hi AO, I already chuckle again this morning watching Colbert Report from last night. But I not taking my nootropics today, cuz I feeling hypomanic. I tell you, tinkering with brain is really walking the tightrope. One minute it sleepy, next minute it feeling almost balanced, then suddenly it buying 4 pair of same shoe and hitting on auto parts clerk who kindly replace brake light. I think it jacked up today cuz I had ice cream last night. Yes, it that freaking sensitive. I think it gonna has to be NO sugar for Cow! :cries3: So how is AO, Robot, Glimmer and Soberly? |
| All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:36 AM. |