alphaomega

Oh little ole me ?

Well, I've been having to eat all sorts of humble pie. Been learning a lot, questioning my belief systems, repairing some long standing damage, studying all things metaphysical and basically just trying to "get it right". You know, just any given Tuesday for AO.

Maybe by the time they put me on a metal slab, I will have gotten it right ? Maybe ? Prolly not.

I go on shoe buying sprees like a boss. I should buy stock in Aerosoles. Seriously, its becoming a problem. My husband questions my sanity as Amazon Prime is at the house daily.

Oh, I've been researching all sorts of anti aging things too.
Cuz 45 brings with it a whole host of saggin', baggin' and draggin'.

Right now, I'm most excited about vit C powder for eye bags and the baby Quasar.

Thanks for asking.

SoberLeigh

Soberly is okay. I did some Christmas shopping for the grands yesterday (ages 5 months, 4years, 4 years (not twins, cousins) and 7 years; there's some cute stuff out there.

I'll be heading to AZ soon to spend Thanksgiving with them. So life is very good there.

I have a wonderful 20 yr. old nephew who is dealing with health issues no 20 yr. old should have to face and my friend in experimental cancer treatment has not improved. So life has its "balances", doesn't it?

Great to have you back, cow (no matter your motives!!!!).

AO, what is baby Quasar????

alphaomega

Its unbelievable Soberleigh.
And it really, REALLY does what it promises.
Baby Quasar, is light therapy for wrinkles.
It's stupid expensive but since I no longer have a car payment, why not ?

Baby Quasar

SoberLeigh

Interesting, very interesting. Hmmmm . . . .

Leshar

Hi Cow, nice to see you post and to hear that you're experiencing a glimmer of hope. May it flourish!

Personally, I don't think anhedonics are selfish people. For myself, I just feel so exhausted and sort of unfeeling most of the time that to give of myself to others is difficult.
rTMS is very painful. Session 12 today, the first day I didn't cry out in pain and beg the tech to stop. The psych says I should persist for 30 because I may be a late responder. I'm weary to my bones.

SoberLeigh

Your courage is inspirational, Leshar.

Cow

Leshar, you is other one my heart ache for. I very much hoping you treatments work out. "Selfish" is probable bad word because is not intent behind it, is just there is no ability to care, so one's actions become self-centric, which only natural. Please keep us update on you treatments.

Soberly, Christmas shopping for childrens would be last on my list, but I glad it make you happy. I also will be in AZ for Thxgiving.

AO, what this humble pie business about? You not possible gonna drop juicy bomb like that on Ms. Kavitz Cow and not explain?! Dish it!

And plus also, why is nobody just embrace being old haggard crone. When 60 year old look 40, it just make it harder on rest of us!

alphaomega

Yeah, sure. - this coming from the woman whose friends give her snark because she looks 20 because she never makes facial expressions.

I'm not getting injections or anything, just not going to go down without a fight. I actually kinda like my aging face, but I don't want to get ploopy.

Maybe it's cuz this sobriety thing has resulted in being the first time, IN MY ENTIRE LIFE that I actually "feel" good health wise and I am truly truly happy. I want my outer sense to reflect the inner peace I have worked my ever loving ass off for.

My 20's and 30's were a virtual health train wreck. Not your typical train wreck, but the kind that careens off the rails and takes down everything within a nautical mile.

I'm finally free. Yeah, it's late. But you know buddy, better late, right ?

Cow

Better late than never, of course, cuz never is long, long time.

I serious age A LOT over last 6 months. This last couple stints in the hole really takes it out of me. I think I total catch up to my 49 years. And I think I final full on menopause now which I think is speed up aged look. And plus also my genetics is to sag versus wrinkle. So I definite got some sagging.

I not gonna pretend like everyday I wake up and is some new growth on my body that I not like, really? WTF? And I total understand how hard and long you work to feel healthy and happy, but why does outside has to look "youthful" to proper reflect that. (I mean that as question in general about society and no just to you.) I just not like that beautiful equate with youthful, but I think in this country is simple no way around this. I not want to be old lady in this country. You might as well be invisible.

Having say that, total keep us up to date on how you Quasar Fetus working for you!

Soberpotamus

The sugar thing... Cow, I'm finding out that I am super sensitive to sugar... like, careening from highs to lows, acting nutty, etc. The sugar/caffeine deal can really get me going, in a really bad way. I've cut way back with good results.

So you asked what we are up to lately? My dog Lucy is nearly healed from her accident. She runs normally and is probably ready to go back on the leash for a regular walk in the neighborhood. I have been worried for her, but she seems to heal quickly so I worried for naught

I've been working a new job lately, in addition to my writing and ebay store - I've been doing some sales & service for AT&T. Oh yeah. Can't believe it but I am really doing it. Talking to actual customers every day. It's a trip. We are officially still in training, but I'll be flying solo on the 11th of this month. It's a sweet work-from-home gig. My office is setup with multiple monitors and a fancy phone system now, and it looks like I am manning some sort of spy station.

I've been meditating daily for over a month now (give or take a few days!), and am in a meditation course with my very own meditation instructor She is great so far. We email back and forth about my meditating habits and she gives suggestions.

I'm currently reading the new Sam Harris book, Waking Up. Good stuff!! I highly recommend this book to you (and to anyone on this thread). It's about spirituality for seculars or for those who aren't affiliated with a religion, and typically coming from agnostic/atheist background.

Lucy, the dog, suddenly understood all her training commands at once - it all seemed to "click" for her simultaneously one day. She now sits, stays, and comes on command. It thrilled me! She was such a hyper puppy, I'd lost hope. I really have so much to learn about dogs!

SoberLeigh

Cow, one of the things we did last year while in AZ was "stand on a corner in Winslow" on Rt. 66. Have you been there? The town is a little sad but the corner itself is pretty funky.

Gilmer

Hi, Cow. I am fine! Nothing new going on except my annual countdown to Thanksgiving. I really look forward to it every year: twenty-six people converge on my mountain house for four days so I can go to my bedroom and watch back-to-back reruns of Project Runway!

I don't mind cooking--but having the whole entitled clan over tends to bug me and cause bad behavior, which everybody just ignores and continues to have a merry time. My psychiatrist and the great friends at SR really helped me cope last year and we worked out an escape plan: go up Wednesday with my dad, stay over till Thursday, eat dinner (cooked by others), then LEAVE!

Just knowing I have that escape plan in place really sets me free emotionally. I am even feeling benevolent this year: I feel like helping this year, and making the Friday leftover soup. THEN I'll leave!

So that's my news.

fini

Like when I say I miss you guys, well fini, I has to confess, that cuz I mostly miss what I get out of it. I a needy, smelly barnacle sucking up you encouragements and support.


oh good heavens, dear Cow, that sounds normal to me. not the smelly barnacle part, since i do use deodorant and am not glued to others parasitically, but missing others because i miss "what i get out of it"? of course! i don't see that near as negative as it at first glance sounds. and i don't see it as about what they give, but that i get just from being with....if that's not normal, boringly so, then...uh...

and i'm 59. no desire to go with cultural almost-imperatives for looking anything other than what i simply look like. and yes, i'm often invisible. written off. not assumed to have anything of value to say or contribute.

and sometimes i struggle with that. and sometimes i hate that it can be so, and that "we" perpetuate it.

and that's okay. i can talk with others about it who understand, share perspective, and enjoy "what i get out of it"

RobbyRobot

Yeah, that is indeed something, my friend. We're both good to go all around, yeah?

My ongoing belief in your marshalling of your talents and abilities to create a workable and livable life which goes beyond mere existence continues to be all that I could hope for you, dear Cow.

I'm doing well, thanks for asking. I've stopped working with my original medical team recently as likely expected, and have since just over the past few weeks worked closely with my new team headed by a doctor of internal medicine. He has given me a solid (buffed to a warm shine, lol) referral to an accomplished surgeon specializing in lower back challenges, such as spinal stenosis and general degenerations. I expect to hear back within several months. Additionally, yesterday I had an echocardiogram of my heart so as to chase down whatever may be happening there in my robotic tin heart, lol. And I now consult with an dietician to help me morph into a better and more healthy lifestyle. I hate diets, so I have my challenge with this, goes without saying.

My current mobility circumstances continue to slide off the edge into the abyss, and until my surgery is a done deal, there isn't much to do except exercise as much as possible to retain muscle mass while I wait things out. Unfortunately, our (my wife and I) three month winter vacation in Key West has been cancelled. Not happy about this turn of circumstances, but what is is, yeah?

I don't post as much. I'm elsewhere with myself and my introspections as I work thru my challenges. No worries here though, life is good even when it sometimes darkens and retreats giving up one thing so as to accomplish something even more meaningful.

I'm so pleased you have had a chuckle or two, dear friend Cow.
What a wild ride, eh?! Hold on girl, there are more wonderfully delicious experiences in the queue even if shadowed by whatever else. Like you said so well in as many words, when in the darkest night, the littlest of hopeful lights is as a blinding brilliance. This is my own experience too time and time again.

alphaomega

Oh yes. Growing old, especially for a woman, especially in the U.S., is frowned upon for sure. I have no qualms with aging, I wear it like a badge of honor - hell, I MADE IT ANOTHER YEAR Bichez !
And, after all, what is the alternative ?

However decades and decades of bodily abuse has resulted in that, ahem, "not so fresh" feeling. And I would prefer to not look like I've been rode hard and put away wet, you know ? Just like I've had to start to weight train because my muscles are deteriorating at a frightening pace, The collagen in our faces go south too.

I just want to be the best me I can be. You know, moo and improved.

courage2

News flash -- my Dean told me today that I'd been to charm school over the last 2 years. The Snarkbunny you all know is apparently a very noticeable improvement over the person who was hired a decade ago. I believe he knows I'm an alcoholic, though that word will never pass between us. I hope the thought of me as a charm school graduate makes you laugh, Cow -- it would make me laugh if it didn't make me cringe, knowing how obnoxious I still am and trying to imagine how much more obnoxious I must have been when I was drinking.

Cow

Robot, your positivity got some bad ass fortitiude, I tell you that.

Great to hear everybody update. Keep 'em coming. I not really have a life yet, outside of waking up from coma. Crap, I gonna has to get a life.

Bunny, you always been charming, you know, in a bitchy way.

Couple day ago my best friend from grade school contact me via the Facebook and want to catch up. She all married with kids and normal person, so I trying to decide if I give her real scoop about how my life go or to white wash it. We was very close, I think I tell her truth. Any hesitation not cuz it embarass me. It really not, but all the addict/mental health drama can be stressful and/or overwhelming to others, yes?

courage2

Aw, Cow, that was the nicest thing you've ever said to me. But you didn't know me when. Nor would you have. Nor would anyone. I wasn't available to the human race.

Leshar

Hi Cow,

I'd tell your old friend the truth, she can take you or leave you. I hope it goes well!

fini

ah Cow,
be authentic with your old friend with who you are and you never have to wonder if she's hanging around because of who you're pretending to be.
it's a win-win even if you never hear from her again.

no use having someone in our life because of fakery, eh?